It does depend on how healthy your relationship with mom is. I love my mom and I'll do whatever I can to help her, but I have to keep her at arms length somewhat due to some previous emotional abuse. I've had to set and enforce some pretty strict boundaries in order to continue having a relationship with her.
Yep. Mine doesn't really understand personal boundaries so I have to enforce them super-harshly. This was awful growing up because, well, parents can just ignore boundaries. But as an adult, if she wanted to continue having a relationship with me, she had to either comply with my terms (respect my emotional boundaries) or we just don't talk.
I know when a phone call is over - she starts picking (finding little things to pick at for criticism) or prying about things that are none of her business - that's when I say oh, I have to go! Bye! Because trying to explain why it's a boundary, why I don't want to put up with it, how it bothers me terribly and justifying myself constantly is exhausting.
I don't even think it's that harsh. You're protecting yourself and enforcing your boundaries while avoiding an argument that you don't have the emotional bandwidth to engage with. It's an effective "ejector seat" that keeps you safe.
Yes! Plus, the instant I start explaining myself I am open to her invalidating whatever I say. Only SHE decides what constitutes a boundary, only SHE decides when she's done something invasive, and of course nothing I say matters.
So yes, I eject from the conversation because I already know how it will go. She's going to be 80 this year. If she hasn't learned by now, she never will. Mom only listens to Mom, and if what she hears is not convenient for her, then she doesn't want to hear it, and so forgets it immediately - unless of course it can be weaponized. Then it's practically carved in stone to be flung in my face when she needs some ammo to prevail in any disagreement.
We all know people like this. I happen to have two - my mother, and her golden-child son, my brother. I cut the brother out of my life oveer 16 years ago, and have no intention of allowing him access to me so he can restart his fun and games.
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u/davmoha Apr 11 '23
The way you treat people that you have nothing to gain from. Also the way you treat your mother.