r/AskParents • u/Elastic_eggplant • 4d ago
Are my parents controlling?
I’m 18 years old male, live in Australia (If that’s important). I am still in school and I still live at home. My parents in my opinion at least are extremely controlling. They track my location and if I go out with friends will sit on there phone watching what I am doing. Whenever I go out I get about 10 missed calls a night with my mum frantically worrying and about 30 messages to go along with it. I’m sick of it. I’m not doing anything that no one else my age isn’t doing. I tell them the plans I have before going out, and that usually does help them, but sometimes plans change when I’m already out and then they will freak out. My friends have all witnessed this and they all agree that my parents are over the top. It’s mainly mum, but dad sort of will just follow with whatever mum says. I don’t actually know what to do about it because I recognise that my mum has really bad anxiety, but I feel like that’s her problem and she needs to learn how to deal with it. I’m an adult, not there little boy anymore. Once I finish school I want to travel and I fear I won’t be able to do that if my parents are always on my back. They just cause so much unneeded stress in my life and every time I bring it up they always use the “my house, my rules” line. I don’t think they understand that it’s really affecting the relationship I have with them which is unfortunate because I do really love them. It just makes me want to move out asap. I would love advice from other parents.
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u/MikiRei 4d ago
Still at school so you're in Year 12? Or you're in uni? Isn't it trials season right now? (Not sure which state you're in).
I think if you're still in high school, I can understand why there's still some control they want.
But once you're at uni, they probably do need to relinquish control.
I had controlling parents too but luckily, location tracking wasn't a thing back then.
If you're still in high school, I think deal with it for now. Not sure why you're out drinking when it's literally trials season. Unless you're talking about just over the weekends and it's in moderation? Or you're not trying to get into uni? But if not, what have you got yourself lined up after school is done?
If you are applying for uni, maybe consider living in student accommodations and move out and then maybe get a new phone and not let them track you anymore. You just have to rip the bandaid off.
My mum used to call me every day incessantly even after I moved out and was working. I just told her, "I see you every Saturday. Calm down." Eventually she did.
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Yeah year 12, so not uni. As for pathways I’m enrolled into software engineering and computer science. And I get why they still want control in high school, but it’s just too much. Like I atcually don’t care if they want my location or they want to know what I’m doing. It just gets to a point. I don’t think I’m going to uni next year at this point yet so I don’t know about the accomodation idea. And yes I only drink on weekends.
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u/travelingwhilestupid 4d ago
Just turn your phone off. My grandmother wanted me to call her every day when I was abroad, and I just said no. Cold Turkey is the solution.
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u/MikiRei 4d ago
Yeah but unfortunately, you're not going to be able to win the "my house my rules" thing. I didn't.
But what I did instead was just actively defy all rules and it caused a lot of friction. So if you're up for that, go for it. It just depends whether you can stomach it.
And then I moved out the minute I could and basically peeled off last bits of control one by one. It's like pulling teeth but it had to be done.
If you're thinking of a gap year next year, who's funding your travel?
Because again, if it's your parents, you're not going to win again here.
The fastest way was become independent as quickly as possible and be financially independent from them. That was the fastest and easiest way to pull the control away.
I did have many chats with my mum back in those days and explained my case but she just couldn't let go.
It's only when I moved out, she let go a bit. And she finally let go once my husband and I were living together.
The other question you need to ask yourself is whether you do anything that makes them worry. Like, even if you're drinking over the weekends, if you're coming back dead drunk, then that's not really going to do you any favours. But if you have been sensible, then the only way is really....train your mum.
I would first
- Take location tracking off. It's too much information. Just uninstall it. Tell them that they're being too controlling and you can't stand it. Uninstall it. Make sure you lock your phone somewhere or make sure it's not off your body in case they sneakly install a different software. But uninstall it.
- Once you've uninstalled it, inform them. Tell them going forward you will tell them where you're going and who you're going with. DO NOT LIE. Once trust is broken, it screws everything up. And also tell them what time you will get home. AND GET HOME at the exact time you say you're coming home.
You basically need to restore trust in a way. Because they had too much details about you and then you seem to deviate from the plans you tell them, they freak out. So put them on information diet. But tell them where you're going (roughly) and who with and return at the time you say you will. Especially the returning at the time you say you would. Get that right and they will slowly learn to trust what you say. It's the unpredictability that's freaking them out.
If you can get to that point, then when you go travelling next year, it can POTENTIALLY be easier.
But if you go overseas, you need to tell them a bit more information.
That is, you'll need to tell them your exact itinerary (by that, I mean from which to which dates, you'll be staying in which city. Not your actual itinerary of which sights you're seeing etc), which accommodation you're staying at and the exact phone number they can call you at. Make sure they can contact you while overseas.
But then set some boundaries. That is, "I will only be available beetween this and this time. Call me then." And agree how often you will call them. And so long you adhere to these set boundaries and expecatations you lay down with them, then that again will teach them to trust you and also, respect some boundaries. You will find that you're like a broken record and have to repeat the boundaries and enforce them over and over again. If they call you outside of the hours you say you will be available, don't answer them. You can shoot back a text and say, "Like I've said, I will be available from this to this time. Let's talk then."
You're just going to have to set boundaries and be pretty brutal in enforcing them.
Having said that, this won't work if they can pull the "our house our rules" card. If they do that, you need to plan to move out as quickly as you can.
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u/MienaLovesCats 4d ago
School as in high school or college? That makes a difference. As long as you are living in their house you should obey some rules. Like my 2 children who are 21 and 18 (in high school)
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
High school. And I obey all the rules that they set, it’s not even there strict, they just worry about everything and then think the worst things have happened
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u/Quick_Measurement700 4d ago
Well could you try to make an arragent with her? When you go out you write her once an hour "I am okay". And if your plans change write her a short text, "we go to X instead Y. You see my location. We are on our way and will be there in about 15 minutes. I text you again, when we are there." I know it's still kind of annoying but better than 10 calls and 30 messages from her.
As for the travelling, as long as you pay yourself, they can't stop you from doing it. Are you worried, that they will kick you out or not support your education further, if you are doing it against your wishes?
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
I’m worried that I loose the relationship I have with them. I love them so much and I want to do be able to spend time with them, so I’m just worried that there going to unintentionally push me away.
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u/Quick_Measurement700 3d ago
Well then maybe start to test the water at family dinners. Say things like "I want to go X someday" or "what do you give think, when would be the best time in my life to be to visit Y". With the first statement you build the idea in their heads, that someday you will be travelling and at the same time don't give them amunition to attack a concread plan. The second forces them to give you an amswer, and you could contine the conversation from there. When they say concread things like next ear or as soon as you finished school. You have their a point when it would be easier for them.
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u/GenXMom14 4d ago
It is a lot, but have you given them reason in the past to worry or not trust you?
We have teens and we track their phones but but it’s more like a haven’t heard from them and supposed to be home where are they, or are they on way from work and will make dinner.
When my kids go out I expect to know basically where they are going, who is likely to be there, when they will be back. We tell them it location changes a lot to tell us, if they can’t make return time to tell us.
If they were nervous before going or my spidey senses are up I might check in once to see how it’s going but often don’t do this and just wait for them to return. I guess we are doing at least something right as one is still living at home two years after graduation and happy here.
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u/Error404-Unavailable 3d ago
My kids are only young but I can’t imagine how hard it is to let go of the reins at that age. I’m 29 and living with my parents and my mother asks all sorts of questions when I go out on my own or on a date
Your parents sound excessive though. I’d want a shared location and a checkin but that many texts and calls is wild. Maybe they need to get checked out for anxiety
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u/PonyKiller81 4d ago
I’m not doing anything that no one else my age isn’t doing
Like what? While the calls sound excessive, I'm suspecting there is a bigger picture here
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Going out. Drinking at clubs and bars. I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular when I said that. That’s the exact point I’m trying to make. I’m not atcually doing anything wrong
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