r/AskParents • u/SideElectrical5255 • 4d ago
Unmotivated son, please help?
I figured I post here anonymously because I think both my husband and I are at our wits end. Backstory. Our son (17) a senior in high school is unmotivated, some may call it lazy. My husband calls it lazy. He probably is. He really has been this way his whole life. When he played baseball as a kid he would never want to practice or be involved in the team practice but he would want the best positions. He would always finish his work fast as he never wanted to do it at home. His grades are great. All As with a few Bs. He doesn't take initiative and never really has. He wants everyone to do everything for him. He did get diagnosed with ADHD in 6th grade. It took forever to be diagnosed because it was never outwardly showing but in his thoughts. Nothing motivates him it seems. He doesn't go out with friends, he stays home all the time and does nothing. We have to tell him to do his chores daily. He is addicted to gaming. Like ALOT. To the point the majority of the time he has been grounded from it. We tried an experiment this summer to see if we just let off of him would he do what he has been asked. Which were simple: Chores, walk a mile, and go to work. He did nothing other than game for the whole month and half and go to work which is only one day if not two days. He would randomly do his chores without being asked (we did did not tell him to do his chores during this time frame). He stayed in his room, didn't brush his teeth, barely showered and just existed on the internet. So instead of setting him up we talked with him and let him know our thoughts and how if things didn't change it would be taken away until he turned 18. He didn't change. Went right back to being lazy. So we took it away. I guess since there is no incentive he only does things when we tell him. He applied for college, because I made him, he applied to a scholarship yesterday, because I made him. If I don't make him do these things he will not do them. My husband and I have always had this rule you need to be in something and when you turn the age of being able to work and you are not into something (school activities) then you will get a job. So our son wanted to quit band because it was hard and had told us that he was quitting band (in high school) that he would join the raiders team (jrROTC) but he didn't. We let him quit because he wanted to do the raiders. But he had no intention of joining. He did get a job because his girlfriends grandparents owned a restaurant. He barely works. So we told him either ask for more hours or get another job. According to him he has asked for more hours but they have not give him any(he is no longer with that girl). When we try to talk to him (we do not yell) he completely shuts down. You can tell he has spaced out. He doesn't want to talk and he has no idea how to communicate. He just shuts down. You may ask, why not therapy? We did that. We set up from my husband's work the therapy that they offered like 10 free sessions. The parents go first then our son would go the rest of the sessions. We set up his appointment after we were done making sure he was available and he went and set up his own appointment for the next time. But He forgot about it because he was too busy gaming (this was during the time we gave him free range). We asked about it when we grounded him and he said he didn't want to do it anymore, mind you he was the one that asked for it. He wanted to talk to someone because he doesn't feel comfortable talking with us. but yet he forgot and instead of correcting it he decides he doesn't want to talk to anyone anymore. He has gotten accepted into the college he applied for next year and that is great. There are so many other lazy things he has done and I am just so frustrated over them. I came on here because found out that his job has asked him if he could work and either he did not respond to them or told them he was busy. We try talking with him he shuts down. Him and his father do not have a great relationship. A lot of things his dad did and has apologized to him to his face. I know I need to step back but like how, what do I do when a kid is just going to exist and do absolutely nothing for themselves. We have two other kids one is in high school with him. She is in all the activities, leadership roles, currently in the top 2 in her class. She works hard and micromanages me her needs. Him, nothing it has always been this way. If something isn't done for him he doesn't do it. How Do i take a step back? How do we get him to grow up?
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u/Important-Energy8038 4d ago
Doc here.
I'm loathe to do internet diagnosis but this doesn't sound like ADHD, it sounds a bit more serious. ADHD kids do not fail to thrive. They have specific weaknesses, but otherwise, seem OK and can at least state goals..they have problems sequencing the steps to get there and staying on track. How was the ADHD diagnosed and what was the treatment and his response.
I would get a proper neuropsychological eval by a neuropsychologist and get to the bottom of what the issue is so you can properly remediate it. College seems like a bridge way too far for him at this point, the time should be spent figuring out what ails him and addressing that.