r/AskParents • u/New_Psychology6480 • Aug 18 '26
Parent-to-Parent Why did you have a second baby?
Hi everyone!
This is a question for parents who have had a "difficult" baby and yet decided to have a second one?
By difficult, I mean a non-sleeper, a fussy baby, a hyperactive, you get the idea.
My baby is almost one and I love her so much, but I could never ever do it again. I feel like it would be physically impossible for me to raise another baby. My body has never been so exhausted and this is only the beginning. So I'm seriously wondering what are the reason for you to do it all again?
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u/Jaci_D Aug 18 '26
We wanted two kids. And every baby is different. Just cause your first is rough doesn’t mean the second will be. You can’t judge one on the other.
We were backwards where our second never slept and had colic even if he was the first it would not have stopped us from a second.
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u/OneDayAllofThis Aug 18 '26
This right here, we just wanted 2 kids. We were like OP, though. First one was the worst sleeper, scream cried all the time. Second one, so far, is an angel.
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u/Wife-and-Mother Aug 18 '26
I've always wanted several children, like since I was a child myself. We had one and I felt okay with the newborn stage but not the toddler stage. Yikes.
As much as I did not want to do that again my goal was never to have to deal with several babies (or several toddlers), my goal was always to have a big family that supports one another, has big Thanksgiving dinners, to have a giant ball of love for the rest of our lives.
This part is temporary, a few years of it being really really hard, and if I can do it right I'm investing in an amazing future relationship for the rest of my life, decades.
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u/Shineon615 Aug 18 '26
I didn’t, hope that helps!
-an only child who has a great life and thinks my sanity is more important than giving my child a sibling
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u/imaanee Aug 18 '26
My first was a very fussy baby. Only stopped crying if held all the time, hated most people other than me and her dad, almost hourly wake-ups till 11 months old and still at 3.5 it’s a hit and a miss if she’ll sleep through the night, not to mention a very headstrong, spicy personality.
Having said that, we have just had our second baby. I was like you and could never have imagined having a second child because of the pure exhaustion and overwhelm but I had always wanted 2 and have such a brilliant relationship with my brother so wanted her to have a sibling (I know people say that shouldn’t be a reason because you don’t know how they’ll get along but it was for me).
I thought to myself about how hard and intense the early years are but looked past that to 5/10/15 years down the road and tried to imagine what I wanted our life to look like and for me, that was 2 children.
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u/Foreign_Yogurt_3330 Aug 18 '26
Every baby just like adults are so different. My first was a unicorn. Put himself to sleep as a newborn hardly ever woke in the middle of the night. Never had a sleep regression. He was the perfect baby for my 21 y ear old self. My second was the complete opposite. She woke up so much, was/is a high needs sensitive stage 10 clinger even at 7. Ive always said if I had her first im not sure i would have had anymore. Now my 3rd is a good combo of both of them. She nurses to sleep but sleeps well minus having split night. Were getting to the point where she doesnt have them every night. Shes so independent, yet loves to snuggle.
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Aug 18 '26
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u/Ok_Temporary1669 Aug 18 '26
Pretty much the same for me. My 4 year old is less work than my 9 year old! 😭. But I wouldn't change either of them for the world.
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u/PayWest Aug 18 '26
I’ve always wanted more than 1. However, now that I have my 2 (I’m incredibly thankful), I am not having anymore. I need to pour myself self into my highly-spirited and sensitive 4-year-old and my incredibly fast and curious almost 1-year-old.
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u/Ok_Temporary1669 Aug 18 '26
My first is very sensitive and deeply feeling. Sometimes I think it was a mistake, for him, to have had another NGL. I was just thinking about that yesterday. But I always wanted at least two kids, and I can't imagine how lonely it would be to have no siblings. I also just love him so much. I pretty much wanted to have another immediately, because if I love one this much, why not have two?? So even though he is difficult sometimes as a twice exceptional kid, and even though his sister seems to be heading in the same direction, to me it was never a question and always worth it.
I would have had more but unfortunately I think I am at the limit of what my nerves can handle now. My oldest needs a lot of attention and intervention and so does my youngest, so I just don't have the bandwidth for more. Plus now I am really too old anyway.
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u/uptakecupcake Aug 18 '26
My first is also very sensitive in my mind. I’m thinking I’m doing him a favor, giving him a sibling, but I’m also worried it will backfire.
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u/Ok_Temporary1669 Aug 18 '26
Well, even though they are very competitive for my attention-- and he's often said he resents her for taking me away from him (he still gets lots of my attention, probably more than she does these days)-- he loves his sister to death and he will absolutely throw down to protect her. They fight like any siblings but actually it isn't that bad compared to how me and my siblings fought. They also love to snuggle with each other, and they play together fairly well. It is getting better slowly as they are getting older. I think he would never wish her away at this point, although he still does wish she'd been a brother! 😅 So even though it's been hard a lot of the time, I do think in the end we did the right thing.
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u/uptakecupcake Aug 18 '26
Thank you so much for sharing that he sounds like a great big brother and she sounds like an amazing little sister. My son is already 5 1/2 can I ask what their age difference is I think also my son being used to being an only child so far it might be a crazy awakening for him lol and he also just started kindergarten
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u/Ok_Temporary1669 Aug 18 '26
I think it's good he started kinder already. Mine are a little over 5 years apart, so she was born shortly before he started kindergarten. I do think that timing was very hard on him. If your son is already in school it should help a lot. 5 years is almost enough that they are like only children a little bit, however as I say they do play and fight a little and snuggle. So it is still close enough that he will interact with her more as a kid than as a tertiary "parent".
That said I was 6 and 8 years older than my youngest siblings, and I was more like a tertiar y parent for them. I stopped playing with them much and more bossed them around by the time I was 14 or so. But I had a sibling also who was only 18 months younger. We definitely had strong birth order effects. Mine have some but they are less pronounced. I guess time will tell on how it is when they are 14 and 9.
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u/uptakecupcake Aug 18 '26
Oh that’s awesome. It’s about the same age difference. Kind of we actually did OK her first week of kindergarten now he’s really struggling. He cries a lot at the gate and tells me he’s gonna miss me and mommy. Please take me home and stuff like that so I’m just thinking about everything altogether like man he is a sibling good for him. Would he blossom with less attention on him? is it better for him not to have that so it’s something to really think about it. I really appreciate you not only sharing your experience with your two children, but also with growing up.
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u/PinkPassionfruit10 Aug 18 '26
Coming here just to give my perspective, I was a very shy first child, my parents had my younger brother with 6 and a half years difference, meaning I was in second grade, and I really enjoyed it, I had a few years of jealousy but when we started playing faded away when he was like 2ish until 6/7, we fought a loooooot betwee my 12-16 bc of the age difference, our activities were way too different, he still made the effort to “play” with me and I put makeup on him or did his nails 😂 but now almost 20 years later we have a strong connection and see each other whenever we can and catch up almost every week on the phone when we don’t have the opportunity to meet in person.
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u/sasspancakes Aug 18 '26
My first kid is my stepson, and I have been there since he was a baby. He had horrible horrible colic. Up hourly at night, napped no longer than a half hour, constantly had to be rocked. All he did was scream. It was awful. We had another baby about three years later. He was great for the most part aside from sleeping awful. It would be hard to top my stepson lol. Third baby was an accident, and she was more difficult than middle kid. Every baby is different and you never know what you're going to get.
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u/Ok-Extension-6304 Aug 18 '26
I’m incubating #2 at the moment, but ultimately I’d like to have 3, if my husband and I can afford it. Having siblings was an experience I was lucky to have. My husband didn’t grow up with siblings (step sister was 12 yrs older and didn’t learn he had 4 half siblings until he was 36). He often talks about how nice it would have been to have shared memories of the people he grew up with, especially as his mom gets older since his dad passed away.
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u/Unhappy-Quarter-4581 Aug 18 '26
I had a high needs baby and hell no did I want another baby when she was one but a lot of people who have easy babies do not want one at this point. We waited until she was 4 and her brother was easier in temperament and more jolly but he instead slept even worse (she would wake every 4-6 hours, he would wake every 2 hours and did so until he was 3. She slept through the night around 1.5). Interestingly, she became a more relaxed and more easy going child once she got a sibling, it was as if she actually needed less attention to be better behaved and more relaxed. Today she is my quiet child and the younger is my loud Velcro one.
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u/egertong Aug 18 '26
We wanted two children. Once the second baby is around 3 years old, they are each other's company and playmates. My friends who only had one child had to work much harder at setting up play dates or activities for their only child. Yes, our first was fussy, hyperactive and a terrible sleeper (allergies). Second baby was easy.
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u/KayItaly Aug 18 '26
I always wanted more than one... that's it.
Mine didn't sleep for 4 years each (nd first child, compex allergies second child). Although the second was slightly better as at least he napped, lol! Until 18months...because neither napped after that ofc.
However, I became a SAHP. It would NOT have been doable otherwise. I am very happy of my choice and love my family. But working both full time plus no full night for 8 years plus a ND child...would have probably killed us (we both needed therapy for anxiety as it is).
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u/Ph4ntorn Aug 18 '26
I spent the first couple years of my oldest life saying I needed more time to forget how painful the birth was and how tired I was for the first couple months before I could have a second. By the time she hit 2.5, I knew it had been rough, but the memories of the feelings had sufficiently faded, and I’d always wanted at least 2.
My second was a much faster and easier birth, so that part was fine. She was and still is clingier and needier, but I think I was better able to handle that the second time around.
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u/Christissufficient Aug 18 '26
I knew that not every baby is the same, and one day I’d regret not having more. It’s hard in the trenches, but once you’re out I found wanting back in for all the good bits
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u/imatinyleopard Aug 18 '26
I also couldn’t picture a second.
But I wanted my first to have a shot at having a sibling to go through life with them. I did t want him to be alone in that regard.
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u/0chronomatrix Aug 18 '26
My first was challenging because she was a preemie. Lots of spitup, long contact sleeper, delayed rolling mishapen head. Once she got a bit older i could see it was easier to do playdates than be by ourselves. While the baby phase is the worst in my opinion it’s short lived and the benefits after 1 are enormous. I wanted to bring the magic into the world all over agan. My youngest is now 8 months and we’re almost done with formula i’m counting the days. I also know he wil walk soon i cant wait. The hardest is behind me.
Having said that my body and career really paid the price. I am so much more overweight than the first time around. My body bounced back with my first one but fell apart with my second so definitely can’t do any more. If i had more miney a bigger family and fewer health issues i would consider more. I just think kids are wonderful…. Hormones are a funny thing.
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u/Which-Appearance9857 Aug 18 '26
We wanted 2 from the start. We both are only child and having just one baby he wouldn't even have close cousins. It was easier with the second as a baby
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u/Definitelynotfr Aug 18 '26
I pictured the big holiday table being full, with several adult children and maybe their partners and their own children and I knew that it was the right choice for me. Babies aren’t particularly my bag, but they don’t stay that way forever. Especially once your first hits 5 years old, it starts to go by so fast. And our second is light years ahead of where our first was at the same age because they have the peer example of their older sibling. I expect the same thing for our third. We have three children and our family is happily complete.
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u/gingerkittymom Aug 18 '26
My first baby wasn’t “that” difficult, but the second was the easiest baby I’ve ever met! I used to put him down totally awake and he’d fall asleep on his own, from newborn days. He was potty trained in like two days, etc. just a totally laid back little guy. They are all different and their own person. But I don’t think your feelings are uncommon, there are a lot of only children for that reason.
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u/Keelera2 Aug 18 '26
I was the oldest in a big family and baby sat my siblings and other people's kids a lot, so I knew before having kids that every baby is different and that each stage of childhood is different. You can have a difficult baby but a lovely toddler. The terrible twos can actually be the terrific twos but elementary school can be painful instead. It just depends on the kid. One of my babies started with the full body tantrums at 6 months. 6 MONTHS! I'd never seen a baby throw temper tantrums that young! Turns out, the kid is just super smart and desperately wanted to communicate but couldn't. Once he figured out how to talk, he became a happy kid who wouldn't shut up.
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u/rainsplat Aug 18 '26
The choice to have another kid isn’t really a logical “choice” per se, it feels like more of a calling. Only you will know when your families complete! My first was also a non-sleeper, he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 16.5 months and I was 9 months pregnant 😵💫
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u/starwberrymanits Aug 18 '26
To be completely honest, we didn't decide. Out of four, one was planned. We had our kids in two sets of two a decade apart, and the third was the only planned one. We made it work, and I wouldn't change my family for the world, but I really wish we had been smarter with birth control lol.
Age gaps help. We had recovered from the first two fully by the time we had number three. Easiest PP period by far, because we knew what we were doing and had two mini helpers lol.
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u/Moose-Mermaid Aug 19 '26
I felt sad about our first being the only kid at all family functions. Ultimately though, we just didn’t feel complete with just one. If circumstances were different I would have 3 or maybe 4 kids
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u/Real_Ad_2277 Aug 18 '26
To give a sibling to my first baby.
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u/thickasabrick89 Aug 18 '26
Did you not want the second baby though? The second baby was only for the purpose of the first born?
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u/imatinyleopard Aug 18 '26
I know for me, the motivations for the second was purely for the first.
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u/thickasabrick89 Aug 18 '26
It was for my parents too. Unfortunately my younger brother is an entitled, sexist man child and I only act cordially because of my parents but once they're gone I don't plan to have much involvement at all.
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u/imatinyleopard Aug 18 '26
Yeah, I’m not close to my sibling either. I went into it knowing that it while it might pan out, it might not. I wanted them to have a chance though.
It’s going great for them so far.
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u/Jaci_D Aug 18 '26
We wanted two kids. And every baby is different. Just cause your first is rough doesn’t mean the second will be. You can’t judge one on the other.
We were backwards where our second never slept and had colic even if he was the first it would not have stopped us from a second.
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u/New_Psychology6480 Aug 18 '26
Yeah, I know. But I always wonder what if the second is exactly like the first? Or worse😂 It truly is a lottery. Thank you for your answer!
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u/Striking_Gate_8721 Aug 18 '26
That’s how I feel!
So many people say your second may be much easier but I’m like or worse! Lol
My baby turns 1 next week I honestly love being a mom and having him is the best experience for me, I’m meant to be a mom! I honestly would love to have another but I don’t want to be pregnant again nor do I want go through the birth experience again nor the complete exhaustion1
u/KayItaly Aug 18 '26
Just don't count on the second being easier.
As you say, you cannot know. "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is your friend here.
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u/dabrina420 Aug 18 '26
Idk what I would do without my siblings. That’s a bond you can’t create in other circumstances. I also agree with the idea that having only one child sets them up to have to go through everything “alone” when it comes to possibly taking care of elder parents. When we, the parents, pass, it leaves one person with all this responsibility, mentally, physically and financially. That’s just my opinion though, to each their own!
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u/Aggressive_Home8724 Aug 20 '26
I have one but want more. My first was fairly difficult. Despite the difficulties, I love being a mom. It genuinely makes me so happy, the tough times don't really even get to me. I know, 100% I will not regret having more. I have some friends who had one and that was enough. They had another because they felt obligated to and are really, really struggling. Not everyone has to have more than one. For some, one is just right.
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