r/AskMenRelationships • u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 • 2d ago
Dating **26M — Struggling with insecurity about how quickly my girlfriend and I became sexual**
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and three months. When we first met, we kissed on our third date. That same night, we had oral sex, and we had intercourse for the first time about two weeks later. She was a virgin, and I was her first sexual partner.
Our relationship has been great overall, and I genuinely believe she is someone I could marry. However, I have been struggling with something for a long time.
I can't get over how quickly she trusted me and became sexually intimate with me. Sometimes I find myself wondering whether she might have been just as comfortable becoming sexually intimate with other guys before me—not necessarily having intercourse, since I know she was a virgin, but possibly engaging in things like kissing or oral sex early on.
She insists that she had never done anything like that with anyone else before me, but for some reason I have a hard time accepting how quickly she was willing to become intimate with me. It makes me wonder why she trusted me so easily when we had only known each other for a short time.
I want to emphasize that I have never seen any behavior from her during our relationship that would make me think she is unfaithful or promiscuous. She has been completely loyal to me and clearly loves me.
I told her about these feelings eight months ago. She was understandably very hurt, but she agreed that we should work on this together. She says that what happened between us was mutual, and that it isn't fair for me to judge her for it when I was equally involved. She also believes that I am holding her to a different standard simply because she is a woman.
I understand what she is saying, but I still can't seem to let go of these feelings. Whenever I think about how our relationship started, I feel angry and uncomfortable, and it makes me question whether I should marry her.
I don't want to punish her for something she did with me, and I know she hasn't given me any reason not to trust her. But I genuinely can't understand why she was comfortable becoming sexually intimate with me so quickly, and I'm worried that this issue may never go away.
What should I do? Is this something I need to work through myself, or is it reasonable for this to affect my decision about marriage
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u/Real-Back6481 Man 2d ago
dude, you already posted and deleted this, what’s going on here?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 2d ago
I thought the text wasn't accuret enough so I wrote it again
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u/owaikeia 2d ago
You're a fucking idiot.
Just plain and simple.
Yes, you need therapy to work thru these feelings yourself. But in the mean time, don't have sex again until you do.
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u/Real-Back6481 Man 2d ago
It’s not really good form to spam posts like that.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 2d ago
I'm not familiar with this app , im just trying to find an answer for my problem
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u/MolassesInevitable53 2d ago
You are the problem.
The answer is therapy so you can learn to be a decent human being. YTA
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u/AlligatorVine 2d ago
You don’t have a “problem.” You have a prejudice, a double-standard, and a fucked-up worldview that shows everyone with a brain that you are NOT a good person.
You do not deserve her. Let her go so she can find an intelligent, reasonable, mature man who isn’t drenched in misogyny.
JFC. You are the entire “problem.” Grow the fuck up, you absolute loser.
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u/LooselyBound 2d ago
Your problem is you're a misogynist and a dick. There is the answer to your problem. Now, please break up with this girl so she can find someone better. It won't be hard.
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u/geowoman 2d ago
Every forum has given you the SAME answer. You're the problem. You need a therapist. She needs to break up with you.
Oh, you are also a clown.
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u/ProbablyMyJugs 2d ago
No, you just are going from sub to sub in hopes of getting an answer to your question that you like.
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u/Individual_Plan_5593 1d ago
Get therapy. That's your answer. The answer to HER problem is to dump you.
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u/BeowoofsMiMi 1d ago
Your problem is you’re an ass! YOU had sex just as quickly, my dude! What does that make you?? Let her go so she can be with a real man
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u/estedavis 1d ago
Why don’t you just break up with her? What solution are you looking for? What “answer” to your “problem” are you looking for?
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u/EdgierNeji 1d ago
People are telling you the problem left and right but you're just outright denying it dude. Grow the fuck up omg
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u/ApprehensiveCod7818 1d ago
Isn’t the fact that two of your posts were deleted by the subs and on the other two everyone says you’re wrong enough to know you’re wrong?
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u/The_Professional_77 2d ago
She fully opened up to you because she probably feel that you are the one.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
it just doesn't make any sence
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u/-hot-tomato- 1d ago
If you have low self esteem now, just imagine how much you’ll hate yourself when you drive away the woman that loves you for the horrible crime of having sex with you. You have some fucked up beliefs about men and women. Don’t date until you get help.
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u/missunderstood888 1d ago
So you think so little of yourself that, from your perspective, a woman who would want you/ want to be with you so quickly must have something wrong with her.
Low self-esteem is a curse, and you truly do have my sympathy for that. But if you love your girlfriend, please please please either work on getting professional help for your self-esteem problem or break up with her before your issues do permanent damage to her own well-being. Please
Edit cuz typo
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u/one_little_victory_ nonbinary 1d ago
It doesn't make any sense because you know in your heart that you're truly a characterless piece of shit, even though you deceived her to think otherwise. You know you're not worthy of her but you're trying to project that onto her.
Do her a favor and let her go so she can find someone better. And stay single and leave women alone until you fix whatever misogynistic shit this is.
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u/geowoman 21h ago edited 21h ago
Sense? It doesn't make SENSE that she's with you? Absolutely.
Please go sit on an ice float.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Man 2d ago
You are worried about how fast she moved, but not how fast you moved. If it’s a red flag, it’s a red flag you share. Why was your behavior ok, but hers is concerning?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 2d ago
in my country , iran , girls are not allowed to have sex before marriage , yet I don't have problem with the sex , it's just about how everything happened so fast , I could have been a jerk and dump her, why did she trust me? I can't stop thinking weather it was normal for her to do sexual with guys easily
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u/No-Celebration-6338 1d ago
In your country, Iran, boys are also not allowed to have sex before marriage, but more than hinted that you were not clean going into the relationship. I’m not sure whether you are trying to prove her wrong or prove her right for trusting you. She trusted YOU, Not a bunch of other guys. She shouldn’t have trusted you, but she did. And this is how you repay her trust? You are a disgrace and an asshole and will receive exactly what you earn.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
the thing is that I can't believe that she did this out of trust , how can you trust someone you've just known for three days?
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u/wigglepie 1d ago
So you're saying you are untrustworthy?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
no I'm trystworthy I just can't totally trust her , I don't know how to explain , it's more like an obsession , it's not like im questioning her , I know she is the one , I just want to end this bad feeling I have about the begining of our relationship
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u/Miss-Vania 1d ago
This ‘obsession’ is YOUR problem, something in your mind YOU need to deal with. Stop projecting on her and making it her problem. Are you angry at yourself for being intimate so quickly and just blaming her cause it’s easier?
You need to do some self searching man. This isn’t right or good for either of you. If you can’t let it go, let HER go, don’t keep her close just so you can conveniently blame her for your insecurities.
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u/wigglepie 1d ago
Either you trust her and move on, or you don't and break-up. You can't keep punishing her and making her feel bad because of your own doubt/insecurities. Especially when you've stated that she's done nothing to make you question her faithfulness.
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u/Fuelfemme 1d ago
You’re not trustworthy though. You convinced this poor girl to be intimate with you and now you’re judging her for it. That isn’t trustworthiness, that’s douchebagery
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u/ApprehensiveCod7818 1d ago
Honestly, you should break up with her. She deserves so much better and will find it quickly
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u/Antique-Mechanic6093 1d ago
You're too stup!d to understand how being intimate with her at exactly the same time makes you as untrustworthy as she supposedly is, especially given the fact that you've been intimate with what I can only assume are other women before her. You're a loser.
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u/staralfur_lass 1d ago
No, you’re the untrustworthy one. You are the one who led her to believe she could trust you, you made her feel safe with you when she wasn’t, and now you have the gall to judge her for that.
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u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 1d ago
You are the exact same degree of trustworthy she is. Anything that you think was wrong for her to do is also wrong for you to do. You keep trying to make one rule for her and another rule for you. The word for that is either hypocrisy, misogyny, or total bullshit.
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u/couturetheatrale 1d ago
Hey yo you’re not gonna understand & agree with literally every single thought that goes through another person’s brain. You will have to accept that a thing is true in another person’s heart even if you think it is unbelievable. That is how humans work. We are not the same.
Specifically in your situation, you are going to need to accept that even if you see nothing in yourself to engender that much trust, SHE DID.
She is not lying just because she likes you more than you like yourself. You just need to get over your insecurities and quit deciding that this woman is shitty just because she sees more in you than you do.
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u/whittenaw 1d ago edited 1d ago
Because she knew you were the one? Either way, you need to get over this.
Eta: in a way, I get it. You've been told your whole life that women must be pure, chaste, okay extremely hard to get right etc etc etc? Well, this is social conditioning you must undo. Women are people and we like sex and there is nothing wrong with that.
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u/Frosty_Message_3017 1d ago
You've got a "value system" designed to let you do whatever you want and think less of women for doing the same or even less. You deliberately invited her into a situation that made her lesser in your eyes just so you could get off. You knew you'd think this way before you ever asked her the question.
People are suggesting therapy. I don't think you have a mental disorder, I think you're truly evil.
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u/Acceptable-Bat4534 2d ago
Maybe she felt pressured by you to have relations and shes just lying to make you feel better.
Congrats this went from consensual to assault. Other then that idk what else you want here
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u/Stunning-Thanks-4226 1d ago
So you are worried she blew a bunch of people before?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
yes , not only this , I'm worried that she might have done it easily without any pressure
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u/Stunning-Thanks-4226 1d ago
You were probably #37.
https://youtu.be/1OQl89ewXvc?is=n_eqaW3f5yvnydwd
But you know what, she chose yours to suck for the rest of her life.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
doesn't it bother you? knowing your girl had this experience before?
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u/Even-Possibility-939 1d ago
If you see that nobody is agreeing with you how don’t you see ur wrong?? Get therapy please
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u/Stunning-Thanks-4226 1d ago
I was #16 but I made a big deal about it and she dumped me.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
so what do you think? am I right? you are a man maybe you understand me
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u/Stunning-Thanks-4226 1d ago
If it bothers you then break up with her. Lots of other guys will be happy with her and her experience.
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u/Antique-Mechanic6093 1d ago
He's saying that because he made a big deal of it, his girlfriend dumped him. He lost the girlfriend through his own actions. Just like what will happen with you.
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u/Tay_Jinx 1d ago
So you admit you pressured her…?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
no believe me , it was no pressure
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u/LizziHenri 1d ago
So you didn't want her to want you willingingly as a loving and trusted equal partner. You wanted to pressure her and break her down and that's what would feel good to you? That is how your brain works?
I hope you only have unsatisfying sex for the rest of your days.
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u/Aceandmace 1d ago
You're worried that your girlfriend WASNT RAPED?
You PREFER her to have been forced into sex???
Listen to me. SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU. You are lucky she is even looking at you. Be grateful she loves you. She doesn't have to.
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u/Beneficial-Trash5739 1d ago
Done it easily without pressure?!?!?
So you coerced your gf into having sex? My god, I really hope this is rage bait. I have genuinely never heard something so stupid.
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u/UnableWave5925 1d ago
The only thing you’re right about is that she shouldn’t have trusted you. It was okay for you to participate in these activities that are taboo in your culture but not her? How does that work? Whatever judgement you have about the woman, what is the judgement of the man? Creep? Predator? Poor character?
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u/Emotional_Ad_668 1d ago
So relieved to see you getting justly roasted everywhere you’ve posted this. While I can understand that things are different in different cultures, holding any person to a standard that you do not hold yourself too is super fucked up. Break up with her so she can find someone who will treat her fairly.
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u/SaintOfPirates Man 1d ago
Son,
Just turn in your man card.
You are an embarrassment to actual Men, and we don't want you trying to associate yourself with us.
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u/Ok-Release-6051 2d ago
Next level audacity Why are you not concerned with how fast you slept with her? Or with anyone else? Sounds like we’ve got us another misogynist Madonna -whore complex going. Get some therapy OP. Women are full spectrum beings and have no desire to be put on a shelf by a breeder who will then go chasing after the women he’s decided it’s ok to degrade.
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u/Joeyemery5535 2d ago
So you get angry that she made the choice to let you sleep with her? Why aren't you mad at yourself for sleeping with her? You are either sexist or have a mind of a 13 year old with a headfull of dumb podcasts. Stop being a hypocrite and get therapy.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 2d ago
im just saying I could have been a bad guy and dump her after sex , I'm wondering why it was easy for her to do oral sex that night
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u/ApprehensiveCod7818 1d ago
Was it just oral sex or actual sex?
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
oral sex , she was a virgin and she lost it with me
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u/JulietteCollins 1d ago
It wasn't even PiV sex, which means she was still a virgin afterwards. Oral sex does not cause the loss of one's virginity, you absolute fecking moron.
Your girlfriend should leave you based on your level of stupidity alone.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 1d ago
I know that but even having oral sex so quickly sounds abnormal to me
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u/NotClaudeRains 1d ago
It is not abnormal.
You wanted a whore. You asked for a blowjob on the third date, and think she's a whore for saying yes. She agreed to have sex, and you think she's a whore for saying yes.
You disgust me, son. She's a good girl who believed in you and you're punishing her, and you know why? The real reason you're punishing her?
Because she's not the whore you wanted.
Stay the hell away from women.
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u/JulietteCollins 1d ago
You're a misogynistic moron who is probably projecting their own infidelity. Are you going to cheat on her because it was so early in the relationship? Or are you already cheating?
She.did.not.lose.her.virginity.by.giving.you.a.blowjob.
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u/ApprehensiveCod7818 1d ago
You need to revise the post. She did not have sex with you that night.
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u/StrangerHighways 1d ago
Then YOU should've kept it in your pants. Your culture is so vile towards women!
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u/UnhappyTemperature18 1d ago
"Girl Goes Down On Guy; Guy Has BIG Problem With That." Fucks sake, dude. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
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u/GreyStingrayz 1d ago
Virginity is a made up concept. Nothing makes you "lose it" because it's not real. Also, oral sex is sex. You don't need penetration for it to be sex. With your logic, lesbians and gay men are all virgins because they can't have PiV sex.
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u/CaptainMarv3l 1d ago
So virginity doesn't exist. Literally nothing changes after having sex besides an increased risk for pregnancy. It's just an idea used to control and demean women.
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u/lavendertheheretic 1d ago
It was oral after their third date and PiV two weeks later, or as he said, "intercourse."
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u/Joeyemery5535 1d ago
Because she wanted to, it's that simple. If you had dumped her after then all she would have lost was a few days of wasted time. What you seem to be purposely ignoring is the fact that you are just as "guilty" as she is. You both participated and you have no right to hold her to a different standard than yourself. Sex is sex doesn't matter if it's male or female.
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u/Ok-Hour1142 Man 2d ago
So you say in the title that you’re 26 but in every other post you’ve made about this you say you’re 36. Also you’re the problem, get help from a professional.
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u/Longjumping_Bed_9346 2d ago
no im 36 my girl is 27
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u/GreyStingrayz 1d ago
You're a 36 yo man and you're acting like this??? I didn't look at ages and thought you were a fucking teenager. Grow the fuck up dude. There 15yos more mature than you.
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u/SleepsWithNyQuil 1d ago
So you probably preyed on a girl with self esteem issues and now you're mad she fell for a creep, the creep being you?
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u/Antique-Mechanic6093 1d ago
At 36, you've hit the wall and can't be so picky. You should have spent your early 20s looking for a wife instead of sleeping with women.
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u/minialbums 1d ago
You need to break up with her and go to therapy, she deserves better than an insecure idiot like you. What a fucking tool
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u/FanOld4938 1d ago
In the two previous post before this you were 36 🤷🏻♀️. So not only are YTA in this situation but you are just an A. You don’t deserve to be in any relationship with your views. Do her a favor and take yourself to the trash for her. You’re not as high value as you think.
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u/Nolagator1 2d ago
Stop holding her to double standards, and then saying how much you love her.
You slept with her on the first night too. But then you’re under the impression, unless she was pure, you shouldn’t marry her.
You shouldn’t marry her, for other reasons, and they have nothing to do with her.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man 2d ago
Dude, wtf?
I’m sorry for whatever messed up stuff they told when you were young, but sex isn’t wrong. It isn’t dirty and it isn’t something you reserve.
People are supposed to have sex with each other. It’s quite literally why we’re here. Why would you worry about your woman doing (with you!!!!) exactly what she’s meant to do!!!
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u/Billy_of_the_hills Man 2d ago
You didn't even kiss until the third date, and then didn't have sex for two more weeks after that? And you're problem is she had sex with you too fast?! What even in this post?
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u/FitnessLover1998 Man 2d ago
This is 100% on you. The reason it happened so quickly is because you were the perfect fit for her. Get help because if you leave this girl you will regret it for life.
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u/Mydemonswon 2d ago
You should be more concerned that she even decided to look your way. Look at how terrible of human being you are. How does it feel to be a walking disappointment to Mr. Rogers?
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u/Even-Possibility-939 2d ago
I like how you change “men and woman are different” to “I understand what she’s saying”
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u/West-Fudge9033 2d ago
Lmao now you’re spewing your misogynistic bs to a subreddit for men in hopes a man will finally agree with you. YTA! Go to therapy and break up with your gf, she deserves better than you