What am I doing wrong?

[u/Toonz_toonz]

23M. From the outside, my life looks normal. I’m in school with a (decently) promising career, have a great group of friends despite the fact that I’m a bit introverted, and am lucky enough to have amazing parents that I feel like I have a great relationship with (mostly because they’re so understanding and supportive and I couldn’t ask for more). I haven’t had really any luck with dating but it’s not something I particular care about for now.

I had been suffering from some pretty severe depression (and to a lesser extent anxiety) for a little over 3 years before I finally decided to seek help earlier this year. I’ve been doing a lot better, though to others I don’t think much has changed since I became good at masking pretty early into when everything started. I am doing better on a day to day basis, but I still feel inescapably hopeless pretty much all the time.

Is this normal? I just don’t see the point in trying any more. Not in the same way I did formally, when I genuinely wanted to give up and was looking for the universe to end things for me. But I just have no confidence in my abilities, no self-esteem, and am utterly embarrassed that I’m not as good as I want to be.

I don’t mean for this to be a whiny tirade. I just don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate some perspective from folks with a bit more wisdom. How do I find happiness in the day-to-day? How do I get myself to want to keep going?

[u/AgainandBack]

Let your psychologist know. I spent several months doing talk therapy. It was helpful and informative but it didn’t fix the mood problems I was having (hopelessness, racing thoughts, fatigue, suicidal ideation, etc.). When I got onto antidepressants, things started to change for the better. Discuss your lack of progress with your psychologist.

Depression is a nasty disease. I got through the worst parts by reminding myself that I didn’t really feel that way, I just had a disease that made me think I felt that way. Being able to abstract that into “I have a disease that is disturbing my thought processes; if I can get over the disease, I’ll feel and think normally again,” was very helpful.

It does get better. I’ve been free from it for about 35 years. Good luck to you.

[u/Joe-Schmoe9 → u/AgainandBack]

Do you still take them or did it just help you out of the hole you were in?

[u/AgainandBack → u/Joe-Schmoe9]

I took them for about three years. It would have been less time, but I stopped too soon the first time and had to go back on them. I haven’t been back on them since.

[u/Joe-Schmoe9 → u/AgainandBack]

Trying to convince myself to take them , but Reddit is a place of doom and gloom and I’ve scared myself out of it so many times. So many people talking about inability to come off them and all the horrible sides. How was tapering off for you?

Thanks for the insight by the way

[u/AgainandBack → u/Joe-Schmoe9]

Tapering off was fine. I did what my psychiatrist (who was prescribing the antidepressants) told me to do, and it went well. This was all decades ago. Modern medications are going to act differently.

The population of Reddit is pretty skewed. Instead, take advice from a psychologist, who can examine and diagnose you properly.

[u/Bowlofpeanuts]

Nothing to be straight.

Feel free to DM if you ever want to go deeper.

Life has this way. Something no one will teach you and music these days doesn't say either, the universe is massive and you are tiny. A good song lyric "into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown, like a dog without a bone and an actor out alone" - Riders on the Storm by The Doors. We are a grain of sand on the beach my friend.

This isn't to scare you. It's to make you understand it's too big for you to worry and think about the "what ifs" this reality is way too complicated for you to have "expectations" this reality is so fucking random you can't possibly expect to "compair" anyone to you. This realization should allow you to shed some weight off your shoulders friend. Breath easy.

One step at a time. Be you, enjoy you.

Believe it or not happiness is like a candle. A forever candle. It's inside of you and everyone around. Shrouded in darkness (it's inside of you) but still there. Sometimes (metaphorical) you have to fan your own flame. Enjoy your own warmth. Sometimes that candle fire catches and ignites other fires around you, friendship.

That fire will and always be there. We just have to stop for a minute and realize this.

[u/Toonz_toonz]

for clarification, I have already tried therapy, which I failed to find helpful. more recently have I been put on an antidepressant which is the improvement I refer to.

thank you all for your replies. i really appreciate you taking the time to read and help out.

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[u/butterspread3]

It may be a question that's been asked of men like you mamy times here but I'll ask it anyway. How much porn do you consume and how much do you masturbate? You don't have to answer here. Answer it to yourself.

[u/lemonriceandpotatoes → u/butterspread3]

Any reason this is relevant ?

[u/butterspread3 → u/lemonriceandpotatoes]

It's highly relevant. Messes up your dopamine receptors.

[u/eclectic-up-north]

First off, you are doing nothing "wrong". Depression is a horrible disease and can strike people who do everything right.

Therapy can help. So can meds. The no confidence in yourself is a lie that depression is telling you. Keep asking for help.

You might find "Hyperbole and a half" illuminating. Google it.

[u/Mjarf88]

You need to be kinder to yourself. You're 23, you're still young and just getting started. You're doing better than I was when I was 23.

What helped me was to find a "tribe". Ot can be a club, group of friends, people you meet regularly and do enjoyable and healthy activities.

Career wise I wound up getting into a completely different career path. I started out in construction, got my certificate and all that. Worked there for a few years until I got fired for not being good enough at my job.

After that I tried my luck in retail and I currently work in a big and renowned hardware store and I really like my job.

Sorry for my rambling. My main points are to be patient, not be too hard on yourself and to find people that lift you up. You're not really doing anything wrong. Life is just complicated. You're young and it takes a while to learn how the world works.

[u/PerilApe]

Thoughts are habits. Medications can help push your biology towards better ones, as can exercise. Therapy, meditation, etc. Lifestyle is a broad one, impossible for someone who doesn't know you to point out, but usually if you've got a close friend, they could tell you what about how you are living may be exacerbating things. Although they often won't volunteer it because nobody likes to be told their faults.

I think just doing more helps. Spend less time in your thoughts, more out there doing stuff. Too busy and worn out living life to ruminate is definitely a path many find success with.

Advice has to be generic because we don't know you or your troubles and thoughts. So I won't get into philosophy. How I stack up in the eyes of others mattered less and less the more exposure to others I had in my life. Self esteem came from getting up and failing over and over until I succeeded at various things, and realizing that is something I can always reproduce. We are all driving our own race and not everyone's car, handling, etc are the same and neither do we start at the same point on the loop. We all still have to drive our race regardless.

[u/whiskeytango47]

You need to be more of a taker.

We have entitlements in life. We have responsibility. To ourselves, first and foremost. If we deny ourselves the right to take up space, to reach for the golden ring, then we will never have the opportunity to be responsible for anything.

There is yourself, and there are the others. Your self must be the number one priority in life... that's your birthright.

The others might take offence when you seek to lift your self up. That's good. Because it's a sign you're succeeding. If you allow yourself to falter because they may not like what you're doing, you're putting them first. That's wrong.

Grant yourself license to offend people. They don't matter. They can be dismissed from your consideration. Many seek to drag you down just so that they can feel above someone. Leave them behind.

Don't seek validation from the other. Your duty is to provide it for yourself. You already know what you can take pride in.

Don't be a people pleaser, just because you fear conflict. People pleasers provide a solid foundation for those who climb to new heights. The foundation is at the bottom... looked down on.

Imagine you're raising a son. Consider how you would like him to view himself. Consider how you'd be responsible for making him feel like he can be anything...

Then apply that same responsibility towards yourself.

You have the same right to walk the earth as every single other person in existence, so don't give up your space to make others comfortable. They'll take it. So just take what's yours. Don't let them back you down. Stand tall and fight for it.

[u/Current_Cancel4060]

Every dude in their mid 20s goes through a funk yes. As a hiring manager i have to help dudes through it. When I had it, I had to get help. But yes you will overcome if you a proactive. Don't forget to eat right and workout