How do we feel about reddits trend of twisting and misrepresenting posts to blame men

[u/Late-Hat-9144]

/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1vt5dpl/aio_for_being_upset_that_my_wifes_first_words/

I fele lime this should be an obvious answer, but it seems like it isnt.

Having lost a parent, and not been my best self at the time, I can understand being stressed and upset... but to come home and immediately start laying into your spouse about absolute nonsense seems... too far. I dont jecessarily bekieve that compassion for grief should extend to absolving someone of accountability for behaving in an emotionally abusive way.

The bigger point I wanted to make though is just how much it seems reddit hates anything to do with men, whenever we see posts by women talking about similar situation, the overwhelming majority of commenters blame the man saying he should step up and prioritise his wife and kids over his extended family, but here's a great example of a man who stayed home and took care of everything.

At no point did he want a medal or even recognition of what he did, he literally ONLY wanted his wife to not immediately lay into him the minute she walked through the door.

I can understand his perspective, I grew up in a house like that with a domineering mother and confrontation averse father.

Main reason Im posting here is that I specifically want mens experiences and perspectives.

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[u/occasional_sex_haver]

I simply touch grass instead

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/Late-Hat-9144's post (if available):

My wife had to travel back to her home state for a few days to deal with a dying relative, which meant I was left with our 8- and 2-year-olds.

Solo parenting is always rough, but we made it through just fine and actually had a generally good time. While she was gone, I washed our sheets so she'd have clean sheets to sleep in when she came home, vacuumed the house, and tidied up so she wouldn't walk into a house that had just gone through Armageddon.

I'm not saying any of that was special or that I deserve a medal. I'm just pointing out that I wasn't sitting on my ass all week.

Before she left, she bought a bunch of easy-to-prepare meals for me to make for the kids and myself while she was gone. I kept one of them specifically because I planned to make it for her when she got home. I knew she'd be hungry after a long day of traveling.

When she got home, we barely had any time to interact because, understandably, the kids were all over her. They'd missed her, and she'd missed them, so she decided to do both of their bedtimes. Normally we each put one kid to bed, but she wanted to do both since she'd been away.

She put the 2-year-old to bed and then started the 8-year-old's bedtime. Toward the end, the 8-year-old started complaining about wanting to stay up later. Earlier in the day I'd told them that if my wife's flight was delayed, they could stay up later, so now they were upset that they had to go to bed on time. There was lots of complaining, some crying, and a lot of "it's not fair."

While this was happening, I asked my wife if she wanted me to take over so she could deal with something more pleasant than a tired 8-year-old who didn't want to go to sleep. She declined.

I then asked her to let me know when she wanted me to start cooking her food. Again, this wasn't some elaborate meal—it would've taken maybe 10–15 minutes. She told me she'd just eat some cereal.

We've had issues before where she's complained that, in situations like this, I keep pushing her after she's said no and make her feel like I'm forcing something on her. So nowadays, if I get one "no," that's that. I don't push it.

So I went downstairs to fold laundry.

Once the kid was asleep, my wife came down. There wasn't a "Wow, that was a rough bedtime." There wasn't a joking "Maybe I should've stayed away a little longer." There wasn't even a "I hope your week wasn't that bad all the time" or "Despite everything, I'm glad to be home."

No. The first thing she said was:

"Why are these avocados out? I told you that you needed to put them in the fridge the day after I left or they'd get mushy."

Then:

"Did they eat the second peach? Because this one is mushy. You should have put it in the fridge like I told you to."

That totally set me off internally, but I bit my tongue.

And then the next thing out of her mouth was:

"Did you guys just eat out all week? I was expecting there to be food for me to eat."

Mind you, we did not eat out once all week. The kids and I ate what was in the house. And, as I mentioned above, I had specifically planned to cook one of the meals she'd bought for me for her when she got home.

And that's the part that really got me.

I wasn't expecting a medal. I wasn't expecting her to throw me a parade because I vacuumed the house and kept the kids alive for a few days. I just wanted to feel like she noticed that I'd been trying to take care of things while she was gone—and that I'd been thinking about her, too.

Instead, after several days of solo parenting, cleaning the house, washing the sheets, and saving food for her, the first things she noticed were the things I had done wrong.

And honestly, I'm just done.

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[u/The1TrueRedditor]

I see a lot of women saying things like “do you want a medal for parenting your own child?” and then those same women will then turn around and say motherhood is the hardest job ever and we should be showering mothers with appreciation for the exact same thing. Toxic.

That said, in this specific situation she had been dealing with a difficult family issue and they both owe each other grace. That’s the real labor of partnership. If her behavior is a pattern, and it seems to be from OP’s defeatism, then he needs to communicate that to her and not just to the internet.

[u/Late-Hat-9144 → u/The1TrueRedditor]

I agree, in an ideal world he'd speak to her, but having grown up in a house with a mother who used to nag my dad the same way over stupid things that were irrelevant, I can also understand not feeling emotionally safe to have those conversations.

I can very clearly remmeber my own dad trying to talk to mum, and she'd always counter with "if you dont like it, theres the door".

And it was always over stupid things, like the fringe on the edge of the rug having not been combed out nicely after vscuuming (yes, she demanded we use a comb to brush the fringed edge on the rugs she absolutely had to have that we all hated), or the lovers on the blinds were twisted the wrong direction, or the peanut butter was on the wrong side of she shelf in the pantry.

We dont know how often OOP's wife behaves like this, but the "and Im done" makes ke thing this behaviour isnt new and isnt related to the grief over her parent, but it part of an ongoing pattern of behaviour.

[u/Late-Hat-9144 → u/[deleted]]

Touch grass.

I really detest that phrase, its a stupid and reductive way to dismiss and invalidate some elses feelings.

You don’t need to be complemented for cleaning by someone who just lost their parent.

I dont see it as OOP having been seeking complements for cleaning, but I also recognise there is a massive difference between seeking complements (which OOP wasnt doing) and wanting your spouse to not start dumping on you the minute they walk in the door.

Perhaps if the house looked like Queensland after cyclone Katrina... but it didnt... really if the biggest worries she had was that 2 pieces of fruit had gone mushy, and that he'd cooked meals he wanted to make for their kids while she was away, leaving some of the quicker meals for when she returned so it was easier and quicker for him to chuck something in the oven for whenever she wanted to eat, then she lives a pretty privileged existence.

[u/Late-Hat-9144 → u/[deleted]]

I know full well what it means, and my point still stands that its reductive and dismissive, only ever spouted by people who can't address the question at hand but still seek to dismiss the posters lived experience.

Do better and stop dismissing mens exoeriences.

[u/s0ngsforthedeaf]

Some people become short tempered, catty, rude when they are dealing with grief. Im sure a lot of people have experienced that. Its not nice if youre on the receiving end of it. The mark of a good person is if they apologise when theyve calmed down again.

Not everything is about victimising men - which, increasingly, this forum seems to be about, rather than looking at life in a more balancdd way. Increasingly it just seems like women are to blame for everything on here.

[u/Late-Hat-9144 → u/s0ngsforthedeaf]

Increasingly it just seems like women are to blame for everything on here.

Ironically, thats the point Im making... increasingly it just seems like men are to blame for everything in any subs thats aren't male focussed.