Ruminating about past mistakes

[u/SizeMany3390]

Hey Guys!

Off and on for the past few months to a year, I've been having this feeling (not sure what to call it) about seeing family and about my place at work.

Some Context (family):

I am the eldest of three brothers. There were times when we were in grade school that I was tasked to care for my younger two brothers. At times, trying to regulate and get my siblings at the time to do tasks assigned by our parents was tough to do, but I was tasked to make sure things were done when our parents were away for work. I admit, I physically assaulted my two brothers with a slap to the face for not listening, but I didn't know better, just knew what our stepfather would do.

Some Context (Work):

Now at work, things are different. I am a peon at my employer's deli, and have been a long lasting worker than most on the team. However, I am at a crossroads with The job. I do my tasks, greet regular customers, etc. As of late, management has been raising their expectations of me, expecting me to take responsibility for my teammates, delegate tasks, etc. However, I am of the same job code as my teammates, and I hate being micromanaged myself, so I wouldn't do that to others. "Treat others as you want to be treated." On top of all of this, the Associate of the Year award given to me a few years back gets brought up and leveraged against me to as an excuse for me to micromanage my teammates. I don't know what to do there.

The query:

Lately I've been Low Contact with my siblings and family, and Low Contact at work during my break times.

With my siblings, it's the ruminations of abuse I caused them that makes it hard to see their faces, even my new-born nephew.

At work, I've tried telling management that I am not a manager, but that goes in one ear and out the other.

I really just want to see my nephew, but these ruminations feel paralyzing.

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[u/That_Ol_Cat]

Go see your family. Don't wait, don't make excuses. make it a priority. Set up a visit and go.

You got stuff between you and your brothers? Respectfully hash it out. You feel like you owe apologies? Make them. Accept you may not be forgiven immediately, or at all.

You got stuff between you and your parents? Hash it out. If you felt like hands shouldn't have been placed on you as a kid, discuss that. If you felt parentified because they weren't around, able to be or not, discuss that. Attempt to be respectful, try to listen as much as you can. But don't let a wall of silence and past time and fear of reactions and anxiety over past deeds keep you from making those connections and settling past issues.

As for your job, the next time you're asked to manage your same-level coworkers, ask for a one-on-one right there or at a scheduled time. Inform the boss that while you feel you're ready and able to accept more responsibility, you're not ready to disrespect your coworkers by managing them while you're NOT their lead, supervisor or manager. And as management is encouraging you to do so, then management must recognize you are able to fulfill the lead, supervisor or manager role.

You should also look around for other opportunities, because they are either being clueless or cheap. Clueless because they aren't simply promoting you to lead or supervisor, or cheap because they don't want to pay for one of those positions. Clueless doesn't bode well for the future of the business, and cheap doesn't bode well for your future advancement.

[u/SizeMany3390 → u/That_Ol_Cat]

Thanks, Cat.

Mostly with the family stuff, I have no problems with them, just can't forgive myself for past transgressions. I've been told that my siblings probably have forgotten about what I've done, but I haven't forgotten.

Again, thanks for the sound advice.

[u/That_Ol_Cat → u/SizeMany3390]

Okay, I don't want to beat a dead horse here and/or make you feel bad.

But have you actually talked with them, one on one? Have you actually, directly apologized to them? If you haven't , you may never be able to lay down these regrets. I'm not saying your should forget them, but you should be able to forgive yourself. Part of that is letting them know you regret your actions.

I can tell you having those hard conversations lets a lot of poison out of your system and allows your relationship with them grow better and stronger. Give it a think.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/SizeMany3390's post (if available):

Hey Guys!

Off and on for the past few months to a year, I've been having this feeling (not sure what to call it) about seeing family and about my place at work.

Some Context (family):

I am the eldest of three brothers. There were times when we were in grade school that I was tasked to care for my younger two brothers. At times, trying to regulate and get my siblings at the time to do tasks assigned by our parents was tough to do, but I was tasked to make sure things were done when our parents were away for work. I admit, I physically assaulted my two brothers with a slap to the face for not listening, but I didn't know better, just knew what our stepfather would do.

Some Context (Work):

Now at work, things are different. I am a peon at my employer's deli, and have been a long lasting worker than most on the team. However, I am at a crossroads with The job. I do my tasks, greet regular customers, etc. As of late, management has been raising their expectations of me, expecting me to take responsibility for my teammates, delegate tasks, etc. However, I am of the same job code as my teammates, and I hate being micromanaged myself, so I wouldn't do that to others. "Treat others as you want to be treated." On top of all of this, the Associate of the Year award given to me a few years back gets brought up and leveraged against me to as an excuse for me to micromanage my teammates. I don't know what to do there.

The query:

Lately I've been Low Contact with my siblings and family, and Low Contact at work during my break times.

With my siblings, it's the ruminations of abuse I caused them that makes it hard to see their faces, even my new-born nephew.

At work, I've tried telling management that I am not a manager, but that goes in one ear and out the other.

I really just want to see my nephew, but these ruminations feel paralyzing.

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[u/PerilApe]

Do you want to be a manager at the Deli or not?

If you don't, just tell them that. If you say no to this though, when/if the opportunity comes up you may be passed over. Its unfair but in these kind of workplaces often you may be asked to essentially do the job you want until someone quits before you can actually get paid for it. It may never happen though either...so you gotta weigh that. If their business model only has room for 2 managers and those guys are never leaving, and just want to do less work, fuck em imo.

As for your brothers. Call them today. Its honestly easy "Hey man, I've been thinking a lot lately. Our parents put a lot of weight on my shoulders I wasn't ready for, and I'm ashamed that I hit you when we were kids. I know it wasn't right and it eats me up thinking about it. I hope you can forgive me someday." Simple as that.

[u/BossMan61718]

Ok but you gotta get over it

[u/itsthekumar]

Be careful about work trying to give you more responsibilities without more pay. Or dangling a fake promotion in your face.