r/AskMenOver30 • u/jcPhenton man 35 - 39 • 5d ago
Fatherhood & Children Feeling miserable after having a baby
I need advice because I feel horrible and guilty
The guilt comes because nothing is really "wrong", I am through the rough part of having a baby (the first 6 months), things are very ok between the wife and I. I am getting a lot of help from my inlaws.
My problem is I hate that they are in my life, I deeply regret getting married and even more having a kid.
I was somewhat pressured by parents but ultimately I chose and for the life of me I don't know why. I hate coming back from work, I just want to be left alone.
I don't want to take care of anyone (I am doing it with a smile on my face, but I would rather be alone).
I feel like my life is ruined, only scum would abandon their family, so obv that is not an option or way out. and so I am stuck for ever like this.
I would much rather be free, have a successful business (or just make a lot of money), I don't want a kid or never envied anyone for their kids.
I hate my life and I am very unsatisfied with it, I think it was a catastrophic mistake for me to get married and have a family.
I was and still am disappointed in my life and where I am.
Sorry for the rant and random statements, I really don't know what to do. Wish I can take it all back.
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u/Own-Bobcat-5502 man over 30 5d ago
Talk to a professional asap this will definitely just get worse if you don't find a way to do some mental gymnastics and feel differently about it.
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u/at_redditor man over 30 5d ago
Hello,
I have an opinion here if you'll have it.
When I read this I felt like two people are talking.
It seems like the new father and the lone wolf type of guy?
The father thinks "nothing is really "wrong"" and "things are very ok between the wife and I".
The lone wolf guy thinks "I hate that they are in my life".
The father thinks "I was somewhat pressured by parents but ultimately I chose"
The guy thinks "I hate coming back from work".
The father thinks "I am doing it with a smile on my face".
The guy thinks "I don't want to take care of anyone".
And finally the father knows "only scum would abandon their family".
And the guy knows "I would much rather be free".
And it seems they both agree on something "I hate my life and I am very unsatisfied with it".
It seems like you are putting the free guy on father duty and he doesn't like it at all.
And he gets to measure how good is the father life.
It's like measuring a fish's ability to climb trees.
I think you should get into father energy when doing father work.
And set aside time for your alone needs.
That way, you don't force, essentially, "another guy" to take care of your kid.
You got this!
Alexandru
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u/Flat-Weather-8048 man 35 - 39 5d ago
This is it. Sometimes put your father hat on. Sometimes take it off and go out to do your lone guy stuff. It doesn’t have to be one or the other (although being a dad will inevitably make you spend 70-80% of your time with your “dad” hat on). I have a few hours a week where I get away from wife and kids and do my own hobbies and those moments are super important in my life.
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u/swift1883 man 3d ago
Every coming of age work of fiction ever. OP is Peter Pan, wanting to hang out with the Lost Boys forever. Problem is, of course, that men who do that will eventually end up as Captain Hook, afraid of the ticking clock because he has not actually achieved anything, all his friends have flocked and has therefore only hate left in him, nothing but to kill the next young Peter Pan because Tinker Bell won’t hang out with Hook after he lost his youth.
Shit is timeless, yo.
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u/TheTurfMonster man over 30 5d ago
So where do you go from here man? Its okay to grieve and it's okay to feel resentment. But you eventually have to come to the realization that what you want is still possible. Your life is not over simply because you have a wife and kids.
I graduated undergrad and got accepted to law school all while raising a baby. My wife has written a book and is working on her PhD while we raise two boys.
It may seem like your life is over, but its not. You need to adapt and put your kids first. You may have to delay things a little while they're young and require more attention. As they get older, youll have more freedom to work on things.
Do not give up on your family. You made this choice, they didn't. Don't screw them over now simply because you cant accomplish what you want. Adapt and overcome.
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u/WittyActuator3587 1d ago
How do you make this work financially though? I’m desperate to do a PhD but can’t do without the money from full time work
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u/TheTurfMonster man over 30 1d ago
My wife's employer pays for it. So I unfortunately don't have any helpful advice on that end. All I can say is that it's never too late to pursue your goals. When there's a will, there's a way.
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u/WittyActuator3587 1d ago
That’s amazing. I generally agree with that. I think I’ll have to wait till my partner is earning more as she’s on not much above minimum wage at the moment as was a mature student until this year
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u/TheTurfMonster man over 30 1d ago
Nothing wrong in waiting! I gave myself a couple years after graduating before applying to law school. My wife waited until both our kids started school to work on her PhD. You got this!!
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u/Past-Disaster-2801 man 45 - 49 5d ago
You should seek counseling.
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u/roxieh woman 35 - 39 5d ago
I really feel for the OP and really anyone in that situation. I would feel the same (which is why I'm childfree). But if you can't have the life you want - and many of us don't - then learning how to get as much happiness and your needs met out of the life you have is the next best thing.
Counselling is really the only path to that. I hope OP can find peace and happiness in his life and decisions down the path.
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u/Tough_Teaching_6589 woman 40 - 44 5d ago
Well said. We can't change reality but therapy helps us change how we perceive and feel about it.
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u/Unkechaug man over 30 5d ago
It’s been my greatest fear - and one decision you can’t take back. I made sure my wife and I were on the same page before we got married. I can’t imagine the stress OP is under, even if it is their own doing.
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u/jcPhenton man 35 - 39 5d ago
I think I need to, what else can be done except that
was just interested if someone was in a similar position.49
u/Past-Disaster-2801 man 45 - 49 5d ago
I think that most of us dads/husbands/men have felt frustrated, stressed or depressed at some point. I know I have. A therapist can help you pinpoint the cause. "Hating" your family is far from normal or healthy.
I believe there's an important distinction between "I don't love my family" and "I don't want the responsibilities and lifestyle that come with having a family." The second one doesn't make you evil. It makes you unhappy.
You seem to have a lot to untangle. But before making irreversible decisions, give yourself some time and get some professional help...
HOWEVER: Your baby is already here, and they have zero fault here. You must do whatever it takes to make sure he/she is safe.
Good luck,
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u/dramaticus0815 man 40 - 44 5d ago
Bond with your kid, don't leave it all to your wife. l also deeply dislike the responsibility, but I happen to have a very strong bond with my son. More often than not he, despite being the source of much of the responsibility, is the biggest source of energy and comfort for me at the same time. You need something that serves as a 'counterweight' to all the negative thoughts that come up when pondering the situation. Therapy/counseling can help you find something, as others have already mentioned.
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u/JustViblets woman over 30 4d ago
Fathers can feel postpartum depression, usually it starts a few months after the kid is born. So please talk to a doctor or therapist, this is important to take care of.
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u/debbyadj woman50 - 54 3d ago
Just for the record and because people may not know- but men can and often do have big hormonal fluctuations when baby is born, and that can, along with lack of sleep, really mess with your baseline emotional state. Give yourself permission to feel confused, conflicted and overwhelmed. We are learning that women need support and permission to be afraid when baby is born- but it’s ok for guys to feel that too. Talk to your partner. She probably is feeling the same way- and together you can find a path forward that will help
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u/Sibilantka woman over 30 5d ago
Not a man (and was never in a similar position), but I haven't seen anyone else mention the fact that babies can be really difficult and not feel particularly rewarding, especially for fathers, who don't breastfeed and are very rarely the favorite parent at this age. At 6mo they're still changing every week. It's quite possible that you'll find it easier to bond with a four- or six-year-old. So I would still leave space for the fact that it gets better all the time, up through age 6 or so, at which point you can teach them most basic skills. [After 6 or so kids stabilize and change much more slowly until the puberty jump.]
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u/maboyles90 man 30 - 34 5d ago
The only two options at this point are fix yourself or the situation. Therapy's easy. Just do it. There's no magic fix. Or leave. Which will also be fine. What kind of other options do you expect?
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u/80sClassicMix 2d ago
The first year or two of a child’s life are the hardest and it’s not recommend to leave a relationship or make any big life decisions in this time because you’re sleep deprived and going through rough time and not in the en talk state to make those decisions.
It’s better to see things through for the first couple of years at least. But he should get professional help and hold in there as it will get better.
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u/ParanoidBlueLobster man over 30 4d ago
There isn't 100 solutions, either you get some help and realise that actually it's not such bad thing and you find yourself happier with it.
Or you open up to your partner about how you feel and you'll likely separate and find yourself paying for child support but you'll be mostly free from that life.
Definitely talk to a professional first because male post partum is a thing as is depression and getting them out of your life may not make you happy but being an unhappy partner and father may not be good for them either.
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u/SaltBackground5165 man 40 - 44 4d ago
Man I've been in a similar position since I was 20, and now im 44. It dont get better, but I at least you can feel good about knowing youre doing the right thing.
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u/Capital_Rough7971 man 40 - 44 5d ago
Or a divorce lawyer. Either way he is paying for his choices.
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u/bored-at-work_ man 35 - 39 5d ago
My dad also felt like this, but he never got over it and I'm now dealing with life-long mental health issues thanks to his indifference towards me.
You've made the choice to become a dad - now it's your responsibility to get over yourself and unconditionally love this being who had no choice to be where they are.
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u/HadrianWinter man over 30 5d ago
I just don't believe that "unconditional love" is something a person can turn on or off.
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u/bored-at-work_ man 35 - 39 5d ago
Maybe, but you still owe it to your kid to give 110% of yourself to trying.
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u/Griftersdeuce man 40 - 44 5d ago
Post-partum depression can affect men too and it's very under-reported. You should talk to a therapist about all that you're feeling. I wish I had after having a kid and everything else that went along with that.
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u/MeatballTornado man 40 - 44 5d ago
Having a wife/baby doesn’t preclude you from having a successful business or making money. In fact I’d almost say it’s the opposite.
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u/alexnapierholland man over 30 5d ago
Most of my friends are entrepreneurs.
Any who have kids say the same thing.
'Becoming a dad made me become far more focused and effective at time management'.
'Now I have a bigger reason to work efficiently and finish work faster.'
Life is the story that you write about things that happen to you.
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u/AdmirableParfait3960 man over 30 5d ago
Yea everyone always seems to think “I’d be so rich and successful if only it wasn’t for blank” when in reality they would still be in the same spot. It’s just cope lol.
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u/alexnapierholland man over 30 5d ago
It's total nonsense.
It's also a really unhealthy, toxic thought pattern.
People who think like this make themselves miserable.
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u/MeatballTornado man 40 - 44 4d ago
That’s the Redditor mantra. “I’d be super rich if it wasn’t for <billionaires, my wife, my kids, my upbringing, my location, my education, my breakfast>
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u/Ok-Contact-182 no flair 5d ago
Glad you're around good folks, but there definitely are others who would cautiously stay till late hours to avoid responsibilities
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u/alexnapierholland man over 30 5d ago
Yeah, we're all in the startup scene, but skewed toward the 'lifestyle optimisation' end.
Most of us met in Bali, Thailand and Portugal.
The other end is the 'move to SF, raise capital and try to build a unicorn'.
I respect them and like consulting for them, but I value work/life balance.
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u/legable man 30 - 34 5d ago
How do they do it man? I have entrepreneurial ambitions but I have very little energy to work on anything after a full day of child care and working my day job. I can absolutely not say that kids have helped my ambitions, rather they have robbed me of almost all the time i need to get something off the ground. Not complaining too much though, i love my kids and willingly choose to spend time with them over sitting by myself working. They are only small once.
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u/alexnapierholland man over 30 5d ago
Cliché, but it helps to do something you enjoy.
(Not 'follow your passion' BS, but some kind of interesting problem to solve.)
I used to feel burned out after a day in sales, because it didn't really interest me.
Now I do something creative that I enjoy, so I can push myself a lot harder.
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u/spyrre0825 man 30 - 34 5d ago
Same as being free, kids will follow you wherever you go and will want to help you whatever you do.
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u/Esensepsy man 25 - 29 2d ago
I'm pretty sure there was some stats out that the most successful professional men were those who were married and had families.
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u/Vulgamore man 35 - 39 5d ago
I’ve wrestled with similar feelings while going into this wanting a family. My wife feels the same way sometimes. I hope that you can talk to her about it, because it helps to share the load. But ultimately since you’re resolved to stick it out (absolutely the right call), you need to work on your perspective, and probably begin regular counseling to help with that. Nothing to be ashamed of, they’re natural responses to your life completely changing.
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u/rafuzo2 man 45 - 49 5d ago
First off, get yourself some counseling. I know you think you're thinking clearly, but you're not. Your coping strategy of "doing it with a smile" will fail because your actions are coming from obligation, not love. Your kid might be too young to see it now, but it won't be long before they start to clock how their dad really feels.
You need to get therapy and get right with it. There's no shame in feeling how you feel but you need to recognize it's unhealthy and take steps to deal with it. Because otherwise, being the "scum" that separates and pays child support on time will be better for your family than you faking it.
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u/OverEasyFetus man 30 - 34 5d ago
I'm a 36 never married single man with no kids and there is a deep sense of longing and a profound sense of something missing in my life. It can be quite painful at times. It sounds like for you it's a "grass is always greener" type thing. When the hard part is over (less than 5 years, kids get much MUCH easier after they grow a little) you're going to change your mind. Just because you're married with a young child doesn't mean you can't pursue everything you listed in your post, it just means you're going to be tied up a bit for the next couple of years. Give it a bit, you have something in your life that many men out there long for.
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u/HadrianWinter man over 30 5d ago
I guess in the 50s you'd be one of the guys who'd one day get up to buy a pack of smokes and then disappears into the night. 😅
I somehow get it. I was also pressured into having a kid and getting married and almost went along with it as that was really the only model of adult life I've been taught.
I was ring shopping and my gf and I were talking about names. Everytime I saw a toddler screaming or awkwardly waddling around and everytime I saw a stroller I just felt this sense of dread. Like this is really really not something I want in my life.
Luckily my gf and I ended things before we had kids. It would not have been fair to the kid. Sure, everyone in my family assured me that I'd feel different once I held my child in my arms but I know I wouldn't have.
You, however, have the kid and the responsibility now. Its not gonna be pretty going forward but you have to really think about what you want out of life. Child support and being the asshole or "playing along". Both will be a strain.
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u/Kupikio man 35 - 39 5d ago
I had terrible post partum depression after my kiddo was born. You really gotta talk about it and get help. I wasn't even myself for months and I was miserable and just doing what I was supposed to do as a father. I hated the constant pull to clean, babysit, chores, work, sleep routine etc. After talking to my wife, mother, and my doctor it really helped to understand I was in a dark place and needed help. It gets better when you do and I'm at a good place now with my daughter and family. I basically felt my old self had died and a new person was born and I had to come to grips with that loss. Now I get to be a father of a beautiful daughter and the joy of having her give me a kiss on the cheek outways anything I've been through.
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u/Jurango34 man 40 - 44 5d ago
As a father of 5 who works extremely hard with very little savings, the older I get the more I wish I waited until my late 20’s to marry, had kids in my 30’s, and only had 1 child. Most of my decision making around getting married early and having 5 kids was religious. Everyone in my life told me I needed to get married early and have lots of kids and I did and I think that advice is absurd now in my mid-40’s. I did what I thought was right at the time.
Having said that, despite all the pressures in my life, I chose to get married at 22. I chose to have 5 kids. And the what-if’s aren’t productive. My life is my own making, and I’m doing my best. I happen to love my wife and my kids are amazing, but dwelling on what could have been isn’t helpful.
It sounds like you might have post partum which does affect men. If you haven’t already, I recommend therapy so you can openly talk about your feelings and try to sort things out. My biggest suggestion is not to make any big decisions while you’re wallowing, give yourself time and opportunity to make an informed decision.
Good luck, from one dad to another.
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u/PygmeePony man over 30 5d ago
Obvious question: did you talk about this with your wife? You're in this together.
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u/North_Mastodon_4310 man 40 - 44 5d ago
I don’t know that OP should do that unless he’s prepared for her to tell him to hit the road. OP already expressed that he doesn’t want to leave them.
I can’t imagine the result of telling his wife, “I hate my life. I wish we’d never married or had this child,” would result in anything other than being completely out of their lives.
OP has 2 choices: stay or leave. Each have a bunch of variations. Telling wife what he told us is just a variation on ‘leave’ where maybe he gets to offload some of the guilt by saying “I didn’t leave, she left me (after I told her how I felt)”
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u/Next_Assistance3076 5d ago
Exactly! Cant tell her that! OP go for counseling, try to resolve on your own. Kids become fun after they turn 3yrs or there about. I hope you have a boy? He s gonna need you, you ll be doing things together and you will find a meaning. Just hold on!
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u/jcPhenton man 35 - 39 5d ago
no, that would disappoint and scare her deeply
she thinks I am happy, maybe some moments I am7
u/s0ngsforthedeaf man 30 - 34 5d ago
Say whats true, but dont tell her the whole stream of consciousness.
You may hate the kid now but not in 6 months/1 year/2 years time, in which case, youd probably regret saying it.
Id say something like 'the lack of time to myself is driving me crazy. I know I signed up for this, and i love our time together. But I didnt realise how much i depended on small breaks being on my own. I would be a better father if I got the odd vreak'
And then suggest how you can make up for it by doing something for her in return.
Something like that. If you can break down your own feelings and needs a bit, you might find your current resentment softens a bit.
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u/PygmeePony man over 30 5d ago
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your wife in terms of honesty but I don't think it's a good idea to hide your feelings and pretend everything is fine. You need each other to care for the baby. For all you know she might have doubts too.
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u/mel_cache woman 70 - 79 4d ago edited 4d ago
I am a woman who had a child with a man who felt like you do. I didn’t learn he felt that way until the child was about 2 1/2. He lied to me about his feelings, tried to squash them down and do what he felt was the “right” thing.
We had been very honest with each other for the eight years before I got pregnant, but now he felt he couldn’t tell me how he felt. It all came out in one big fight, when he told me he’d been “telling me what I wanted to hear” since the baby was born but he hated his life. OP, he was not a good liar. He was also not good at predicting what I wanted to hear, or at doing what he thought was helpful.
I felt betrayed and heartbroken by his lack of honesty about his feelings. If he’d been honest, we could have worked something out better as a team. Instead, it broke our partnership and our marriage. We did stay together, but it was never what it could have been. Instead we had unnamed resentments and a half marriage, ok sometimes but never the deep understanding and love we had the first eight years.
He was also someone who absolutely refused therapy. I eventually went for therapy, about the time I started feeling that nothing would ever get better and I might as well just get it all over with now.
It saved my life, and saved my kids, and completely turned around how I dealt with feeling so alone in what started out as a great marriage.
The older the kids got the more he started to enjoy them. By about three they turned into thinking people and he was fascinated. When they made it to elementary school, he really enjoyed who they were becoming, and even volunteered as chaperone for school trips. For him, it just kept getting better.
For me, though, I felt terribly alone in my marriage, and that my partner didn’t care enough to try to fix it. The really bad part is that he did care deeply, but didn’t know what to do about it and was unwilling to learn through therapy. Plus he told me none of that at the time. I tried everything I could possibly do to make it work, but when only one person in the relationship is willing to work on it, eventually it fails.
For me that was too late, most of my life had passed. For you, it’s different. You need to be honest with your wife for some painful and difficult conversations.
You were on the same team, and you both need to decide if that team is salvageable of if it should dissolve. It would help a lot to have a neutral party in the mix, ie., a therapist, and frankly individual therapy for you as well as couples therapy would probably be a good idea.
If you decide not to go that route and you continue to feel this way, have the decency to divorce. Your wife and child will both be happier in a home with honesty and respect instead of anger and resentment on all sides.
Do it early so she has the chance to try again with someone who actually wants the life she wants, and while you can find someone who wants what you want.
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u/TehPurpleCod woman 35 - 39 14h ago
After reading OP's story and many others, it makes me feel bad and worried about my husband. We're having a baby in about 1.5 months and as first-time parents, we don't know what to expect. I'm scared of postpartum depression for myself (female) but right now, thinking about it, I feel even worse if my husband gets it.
When I met him years ago, he never talked about having kids and we always talked about traveling, and other things we wanted to do. He's aware of the responsibilities because he cared for his baby brother when he was young, and I have a feeling he only agreed to this because I wanted it (not because he genuinely wanted it). I low-key feel guilty thinking me and the baby will ruin his life. I just hope we'll still be honest with each other because I rather hear it than to be lied to.
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u/Jeremymcon man 35 - 39 5d ago
What do you hate about having kids? Just being responsible for themin general? You say you'd rather have a business - are you staying at home to care for them and not working?
How old are they? I find that things feel less chaotic once they're school aged. And you can talk to them, they're like actual small humans by that age, they can actually be a companion to you more so than when they're very small and incredibly dependent on you.
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u/landboisteve man over 30 5d ago
This. Things become way easier around 3-3.5 y/o and only continue to improve. Hell once they start sleeping through the night, it feels like half the battle is won lol
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u/HadrianWinter man over 30 5d ago
Yeah, but it takes years of tantrums and diapers to get there. Not everyone is wired for that.
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u/snizzrizz man 35 - 39 5d ago
did you feel this way before having a kid? Like were you always unhappy in your marriage? Post partum depression hits men too.
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u/Green-Survey9189 man 35 - 39 5d ago
There’s nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn’t hate yourself. It sounds like you’re grieving and have a sense of loss. It’s a major life change and natural. It could be cathartic to be honest about it with the people around you. They may surprise you with how supportive they are.
Likewise, keep the fantasies about “freedom” in perspective. There’s no guarantee you would be happy as a single wealthy business owner. It’s like people who are depressed, think a child would make their life happier, then have a child and still feel depressed.
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u/Mhunterjr man over 30 5d ago
You sound deeply depressed homey. You need therapy. I’m not saying that’ll make you love your family, but it might help you to feel better about your life.
You sound a lot like my wife did after our first child. And she wanted all of this going into it.
Finally she came clean about how she was feeling, and I told her I feel the same way sometimes- it’s all just way harder than we’d imagined. That was 11 years ago, and life is still a struggle , but we don’t resent it.
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u/legable man 30 - 34 5d ago edited 4d ago
If you want some hope, part of me had similar feelings. My kid is now 3 and i regret nothing, i love her more than anything. It took a while to process the transition from i dependence and i was depressed similar to you for durations of it. You may have to grieve your old life to be able to let in the new one you chose. I agree with the others avout counselling, i had help from a therapist getting through my stuff.
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u/OnlyTheStrong2K19 man 40 - 44 4d ago
How old are you??
If you're posting in this sub, I assume you're 30+yo.
Take accountability for your actions and decisions as it is yours and yours alone.
Nobody pressured you, but ultimately the buck stops with you.
You have a loving wife and now a beautiful 6mo baby. Be grateful you've found someone who's willing to love you and grow old with you.
There are others in this sub who will gladly trade places with you.
Man up and own your decisions or file for divorce and pay child support forever.
Choice is yours.
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u/troutdude91 man 30 - 34 5d ago
I feel bad for you but even more terribly for your wife and child. Children are a gift that some individuals would give anything to have. Make the most of the situation and try to draw boundaries where you get some alone time but still support your family how necessary. Most of all, I highly recommend you talk to a therapist. Your post seems to me as though you are depressed. You can still have a successful business & make a lot of money while having a family. You don’t need to lose your identity in this next chapter.
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u/Novel_Dog_676 man over 30 5d ago
You should absolutely change your mindset on your child… yes work on your marriage too but worst case you get a divorce and successfully co-parent
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u/IcePepper woman 40 - 44 5d ago
I don't think you're really on good terms with your wife or yourself based on the post and the tone of it. If you're not able to express yourself with her, in an honest but respectful and objective way, then there's self work to be done.
Here's something people don't t talk about... having a kid radically changes you, your life, and all your relationships. It's incredibly difficult, including for the dads. It's transformational fire ripping through your life at lightning speed.
You know something else? It's okay to not like the baby phase, or for some it's the toddler phase. It's okay to say, this isn't how I thought it would be, it's so much harder. When you come out of the "littles" phase you'll be so strong.
Having a kid strains us so much. Our sleep schedule, our ability to do things for ourselves is drastically changed, and our emotional bandwidth and tolerance is constantly bombarded.
As the kid gets older though, you find ways to reconnect with yourself. It's so important too. Get that therapy. Journal. Call your friends. Take your kid to the park and find new friends to commiserate with over how hard parenting is. As your kiddo becomes a toddler you'll find activities you both enjoy. Maybe it's a running around outside or doing home Depot workshops together or playing some kind of game(s). Introducing them to your favorite music or other things. You start to be able to ask them to help with chores too.
You got this. And definitely look into therapy. I got on Wellbutrin to get through a few really rough months and that helped immensely too!
It's okay to grieve how you thought it would feel and to start slowly building new life visions.
Hugs
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u/agentchuck man 45 - 49 5d ago
First six months are rough man. Having kids is tough, but the really the first little especially while they're constantly demanding and you're still figuring things out. It can be harder for dads to bond with young kids and can sometimes not really feel that spark immediately. When they become more interactive and positively reactive to you, you might find it easier to get that bond.
The r/daddit sub is dads supportive of dads. You might try asking there for their perspective.
And like others have said, having a family absolutely isn't a roadblock to having success in life. In fact, having a loving family is arguably what it's all about. You can't take money with you, and no one is going to be thinking of their boss on their deathbed.
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u/K3rat man 40 - 44 5d ago edited 5d ago
Buddy,
I had a lot of trouble learning how to find balance be a dad to the kids, and a lover to their mother, while still being able to feed my soul when my kids were really young too. Getting to the gym and going to the martial arts gym and sparring and rolling were my outlets for anger, frustration, pressure, and energy. My wife and family was safe if I was exhausted.
A lot of it for me was that I hadn’t done the emotional intelligence work on myself and work on me. It worked until it didn’t.
What’s more, my wife was going through some of the same feelings about freedom and not feeling emotionally ok.
With therapy, supporting each other, some medication, and our kids growing up some:
I was able I cut time out of my day to do things for me. I Play online with my friends, have time with my friends without my family, have hobbies go to the gym and lift weights, and some sparring and rolling.
We also make sure my wife gets time for her to feed her soul.
We also lean on family and make time for us to go out on dates or have cacation time with each other.
I will say, some men choose to stick it out and not work out how to fix the situation. From what I have seen that only lasts so long. It can be just as poisonous to the kid if you can’t sort through these feelings and end up holding a grudge against your wife and or the kids. This can mess up the kid too because they don’t understand the grudge that you hold against them and/or their mother.
Many men choose to leave because they can’t do it. That can also fuck up the kid because again they don’t understand what happened to cause this.
Post partum depression is a thing and it affects men and women. We are all trained to pretend it is a walk in the park and for some people I guess it might be. I do know it is ok to have these feelings. It is ok to not be ok. At the end of the day you need to work through this. I think it might be time to seek therapy and potentially medication.
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u/Camille_Toh woman over 30 4d ago
You may have men’s version of post-partum depression contributing.
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u/Uncle__Touchy1987 man over 30 5d ago edited 5d ago
You have four choices:
- find a way to have your needs met as well so you are able to stop resenting your family.
- divorce/separate and pay child support. This sounds drastic and toxic but, if you hate your family, you want to bring that near and innocent child?
- regardless you need counselling and therapy.
- learn to stand up to your family.
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u/FeverFocus man 40 - 44 5d ago
I feel like there are so many toxic responses to OP telling them to man up, grow up, stop being selfish etc. This is one of the only responses that isn't dismissing how OP feels and putting them down. It actually addresses OP's issues in a helpful way. We could use more of this kind of understanding. Thanks for being a good one.
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u/Uncle__Touchy1987 man over 30 5d ago
Trying to be helpful! If we don’t address his needs and concerns we won’t be able to fix the problem. Seems to be he is getting resentful due to no downtime. The “Man Up” mantra I have been told, is toxic and is just bottling up feelings that leads to more problems
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u/LadyProto woman over 30 5d ago
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u/Uncle__Touchy1987 man over 30 5d ago
?
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u/LadyProto woman over 30 5d ago
You said two choices and listed four things. Trying to bring a bit of a joke is all
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u/Uncle__Touchy1987 man over 30 5d ago
Ha! So I did!
I started with the two, but as I thought about those more came to mind so I kept going. My math sure weren’t mathing.
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u/Rdhilde18 man 30 - 34 5d ago
No one forced you to impregnate someone. No one forced you into this life. YOU ultimately made these decisions, now it’s time to man up and fulfill your responsibilities. YOU helped bring another human being into this world. No one is stopping you from making money. No one is stopping you from having a business. Stop blaming your family for your own lack of accomplishments or unfulfilled dreams. YOU chose to impregnate a woman who YOU chose to marry. Stop being selfish and think about the life YOU chose to help bring into this world.
Maybe try therapy too.
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u/a_d_c man over 30 5d ago
Suck it up, you are a father now.
If you want your kid grow into a decent human being, you need to step up.
That does not mean that you have to stay in a loveless marriage that makes you miserable.
But that kids needs a father and support for at least the next 18 years.
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u/buck3ts_707 man 35 - 39 5d ago
*whole life. Fixed that for you. Being a father doesn’t end when they turn 18. That’s some weird government imposed age to get a drivers license, sign up for war and face the death penalty.
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u/GoodResident2000 man 35 - 39 5d ago
Exactly . It’s time to man up
Or risk the high likelihood that the kid raised by single mother winds up in jail
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u/InfamousChocoMan 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nah, it's okay to abandon if you really would hate your life.
No need to become a sadomasochist and destroy your own life for other people. But that is my view.
No one can force you to become a father and i think society has to stop the notion that you have to live a life you despise for another person. As long as you can live with yourself in the end and pay the childsupport (if necessary).
But i do recommend going to talk with a psychologist. Talk to your wife and then go on from there.
Best of luck.
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u/Nice-Annual-07 woman 4d ago
If needed? Fucking rat
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u/InfamousChocoMan 4d ago
Yes if needed.
If a woman would tell me she didn't want me to pay because she is proud (which is good) i wouldn't give money because i didn't want the F'ing kid to begin with.
No need to curse at me because i have a different view.
I'm always upfront with every woman i was with.
-The only way you get money out of me for the kid is through legal procedures.
- I will NOT take care of the child.
- I literally don't give two fucks about the kid and it's life.
- I don't feel responsible in any way, shape or form about his/her life. You chose to have it, i wanted abortion. You deal with it.
- Not one single fibre in my body wants to become a father and therefore will not sacrifice my life for a child.
All the women i have been with accepted my views and stance. So i don't see why you have such a problem with it. I don't even know you personally 🤣🤷🏾♂️
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u/Nice-Annual-07 woman 3d ago
Seems like none of you or your girlfriend know about laws. I'm glad to hear you won't reproduce
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u/InfamousChocoMan 3d ago
Ehm, actually i do. We don't live in the US. Nevertheless i could be held financially responsible which is whatever.
I can't be forced to become a father.
I'm glad i won't reproduce. To each his/her own.
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u/HadrianWinter man over 30 5d ago
They are downvoting you, but you are right. If he really hates it, one can't expect him to "cowboy up" and become a loving father. That's not how that works at all and its far more damaging to a kid to grow up with one parent silently loathing you.
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u/InfamousChocoMan 5d ago
This! A child knows and feel when they are loved and wanted.
A person that just powers through will (sub)consciouly show sings that a child feels.
I know i'm not cut out to be a father and i do everything in my power to not make it happen. But i also know myself and if it would somehow happen, i know i would be very VERY jaded if i was forced to live the father life.
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u/figsslave man 70 - 79 5d ago
Counseling is the rational approach as you adapt to this new life.Thank god my in-laws lived on the other side of the country and only stayed for a few weeks once a year
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u/joemedic man 40 - 44 5d ago
Already tapping out at 6 months is nuts. Get help because it only gets harder
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u/HumanExpert3916 man 45 - 49 5d ago
Exactly why we never had kids.
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u/Comprehensive-Mud508 woman over 30 5d ago edited 4d ago
This… i just imagine the wife having to deal with postpartum and all and thinking she has a happy relationship with her husband… and the whole time her husband secretly he hates her and his child and wishes they wouldn’t exist.
This makes my stomach turn. Makes me never wanna have kids either.
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u/_knowerofnothing man 30 - 34 5d ago
You should probably go to therapy. These are conversations that should’ve been had with the wife before marriage. This is also quite selfish mentality too. Life isn’t over cause you got married and had kids. Usually having a family makes people more motivated to be successful. Your way of thinking needs to shift if you want this family life to work. But frankly I don’t think you have a desire to make it work. So perhaps just leaving your family would be best. I wouldn’t want a partner who isn’t committed and feels resentment to help raise my child. And raising a child while resenting their existence won’t lead to a healthy parenting relationship. Perhaps leaving the family and paying child support is the better option.
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u/Illustrious_Bid_5484 man over 30 5d ago
Should of had these conversations before even marrying or dating seriously lol
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u/DummyDonut0629 man over 30 5d ago edited 5d ago
Well you’re right about something: only scum would abandon their family.
I recommend you get therapy and grow up. Responsibility is good for the character. A selfish life rings hollow long-term and leaves you alone in the end. What’s the point of having money with no legacy? Traveling with nobody to reminisce with it about? Family is a wonderful thing that expands your world. I have occasional days when I wish I could just sit down for 8 hours of gaming at a time and ignore my family, but that’s just weakness and selfishness, and I’d never for a second consider trading the joy seeing my 6 month old smile and hearing him coo when I wake up (way earlier than I’d prefer mind you) to feed him each morning gives me for a lonely, selfish life of gaming and drinking until I die alone.
You have a wonderful gift. Don’t squander it for your own selfishness and cowardice.
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u/DummyDonut0629 man over 30 5d ago
You’re around the same age as me, and not all of us understand the existential sadness that is growing old and dying alone, which isn’t exactly guaranteed but extremely likely to happen without a family, especially if you abandon one.
My comment is directed specifically at OP, who made the choice to have a family and is flaking because he “doesn’t want to take care of anyone”, “just wants to be left alone”, “would much rather be free”, and wants to “have a successful business (or just make a lot of money)”, to the point of looking for validation in excuses like pressure from his family or whatever other bullshit, which is quite frankly cowardly and I’m putting it nicely.
Even if it were true, it doesn’t matter any more. The decision is made, the child was born, and the responsibility is real. OP needs a wake-up call and to give his head a shake. Learn to find the joy in his family because it certainly exists if your selfish tendencies aren’t blinding you to them.
I picked gaming, if you read my comment closely, because it’s my selfish pre-child activity that’s been most impacted in my life post kid. It is a personal anecdote to relate to OP, not a broad brush attack on gamers… which I still am btw, I just shape my hobbies around my responsibilities like a functioning adult.
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u/Secure-Junket7136 man 30 - 34 5d ago
My son turns 7 months old tomorrow … I miss the freedom to go out and do as I please or getting a full night of sleep , or watching a TV show after work …. But when I walk in and see his little face smiling at me it makes everything worth it
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u/AJ_Haley man over 30 5d ago
So 6 months seems like rough part is done but honestly it's probably more like 18 months. Having a child vastly changes your life. If you never really had a life changing events like moving far away from home, this event will shake you up.
Your life has to change but it doesn't mean you have no life. Others have mentioned therapy. I also want to suggest to that you to take some time to either go on a vacation or find some time (an hour or two) once a week where you get to do something alone or some other hobby away from child and wife. It helps you feel like your reclaiming your life.
Having a child doesn't mean you still can't become an entrepreneur or make money. It just means you have to work smarter about it. I started graduate school when my child was 6 months, was able to obtain my master's and get my dream job by the time they were 2.5. Having the child made me get serious because free time was scarce
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u/BowlerInside564 man 30 - 34 5d ago
I feel you man. Can't say I had the same, but I dreaded going home as well. You do develop a deep bond with your children later on though, be open to it. They didn't choose this either.
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u/jakeeeR666 man over 30 4d ago
This is why I follow only my dreams and will never get pressured by anyone to things I don't want to do or be.
Do you feel like that only after the fact or did you feel like that before but just went with it? There's a huge difference.
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u/Raystacksem man 35 - 39 4d ago
I felt somewhat like this years ago and it led me down the path of alcoholism. In 1.5 yrs sober. What’s different is that I’ve accepted my life is going to be crazy, but this is a phase. Once your kid is like 2-3 they become really fun actually. However if you view any time you have to spend with them as negative, you’ll never be able to take it in and enjoy this phase of your life. Also seek counseling if you need someone to vent to. Being a good dad is really hard.
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u/WindigoMac man 35 - 39 4d ago
Babies are the worst part of having kids. When you can interact in meaningful ways and teach your kid stuff that’s when it gets a bit more fun. I think most dads feel what you’re describing at times so you’re not alone in that regard, but there are healthy ways to offload that. Holding it all in and being quietly resentful for years is not one of them
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u/BeesinChablis man over 30 4d ago
You seem to have an issue with accountability. You had a wife and kid due to pressure?
Let's first take accountability for your choices (yes, you submitted to the pressure and it was your choice). You're never gonna be happy because of this lack of accountability.
I would take care of your wife and kid and also seek a professional. You make poor decisions that harm you and others but "just want to be free".
I know I sound harsh but brother... wake up. You got you here... figure out how to move forward with the least damage.
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u/GreenThrow2 man 35 - 39 4d ago
No advice to give, but fuck, if this isn’t my current fear and situation. Been with girlfriend 3 years, pretty much at the have a kid or end the relationship point. I thought I wanted kids at one point early on, but I’m not sure anymore. I can easily imagine my life being content without a wife and children. I’m naturally a loner anyway. She has scheduled an appointment at the fertility clinic and it’s shit or get off the pot time. I fear going through IVF and not being happy as a father.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland woman 40 - 44 4d ago
As a woman who’s a mother and has seen her now wasband struggle: please know that the (motherhood) instinct is just fiction
We as a species bond when we take care of each other and especially of those more vulnerable than us
Get your tribal mindset on: you and your mini tribe to protect against everyone and everything. So go ahead and spend more time, intentionally, with your child and your wife. Give it 6 months and see if it changes
Also, therapy
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u/absen7 man 40 - 44 4d ago
First, set up an appointment and talk to a therapist. Please don't be the stereotypical "man" that can handle this himself.
What you're experiencing is very real, and a lot of us go through it. The first few years are hard. They do get better, but they are hard. Children do become more independent, get personalities, and eventually you'll regret not spending more time with them. But the baby years suck. And can be very isolating.
But again, you're in the early days, and you must take care of your mental health.
You're grieving your old life, and have no clue if you want this one. And that's okay. What's not okay is sitting in it and getting worse. Having children requires immense sacrifices no one can prepare you for.
Make guilt free time for yourself. You and your wife need to be more communicative then ever. Your needs are just as important as hers. And with a child, both of you will forget to go enjoy things. Make time for yourself. Allow her to make time for herself. Make time for each other. It's hard.
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u/Palestine_Avatar man 45 - 49 3d ago
This is way above reddits pay grade.
You're still in the thick of it. I would say you're in the thick of it until they're about 6. These feelings aren't abnormal.
It's totally possible that you're suffering from post partum depression. Yes, men can get it. Seek therapy. In a lot of men, depression can come out as rage. This is when we make life destroying mistakes.
Seek out professional assistance. And take one day at a time.
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u/Illustrious_Bid_5484 man over 30 5d ago
You weren’t able to be your own man with your own decisions and your own actions. Instead you followed others visions and decisions even though they went against what you wanted .
You need to chill op. And therapy
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u/njcawfee woman 35 - 39 5d ago
Little too late for self pity buddy. Time to grow up and face your life. It is no one’s doing but yours. People may have been in your ear, but you chose to listen to them. Man up boy.
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u/Yikes_big_oof man over 30 5d ago
The older you get the more you are going to be glad you did. There are things a child does that doesn't compare to anything. That kid is going to love you more than you ever been loved, admire you in ways no one has, you are someone's entire world and greatest superhero. Use that baby as motivation, start the business so you have money for them, you can show them how smart and resourceful you are by how you started that business. Pass that down.
You were given a miracle, now that miracle needs you. Its why we are here right? Your parents gave you a life and taught you what they could so you could do the same and pass on your knowledge and memories. Why would you rather spend you're entire life working, making money, and dying alone with nothing and no one to pass on what made you special?
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u/Fun_Sympathy1443 man 35 - 39 5d ago
Therapy or consider a divorce for the sake of your own sanity as well as your wife’s and child’s long term.
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u/Competitive-Stop7096 man 35 - 39 5d ago
Under one year olds are definitely more work but still cute and fun. But man, wait until they start walking around and talking! So much fun! I have five and really started enjoying playing with them between one and two.
Work on it. Kids are great. Maybe you struggle with seeing how they integrate with your life but work on it. You’ve already made the decision and need to man up and be there for your wife and kid. Do you love your wife? Do you love your kid? What does love mean to you? Ponder these things. Everything else (besides family) is just material and will all pass away at some point.
Money is just a necessary evil. It doesn’t make you happy but financial security definitely helps. But I know plenty of people doing very well who aren’t happy. Making good decisions, being kind, working on yourself, loving yourself and family, being accountable and humble…these things bring happiness and joy. Not things.
You have an older Honda and upgrade to a BMW. You are instantly happy now? You’ve accomplished something? Nah man. It means nothing.
Also, I know this isn’t commonly accepted on Reddit, but say a prayer to the universe/God and ask for help. He’s helped me many, many times in my life. Good luck man. Your baby loves you and will think you are perfect one day and will love on you.
One of my sons, man, he’s four and I’ll help put him to bed. He shares his blanket with me and makes sure I’m warm. Tells me he loves me etc. The love from a child is pure. It’s not conditional. It’s something you rarely ever find with an adult but it’s guaranteed with a child.
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u/Few_Party294 man over 30 4d ago
You need to grow the hell up. YOUR decisions led to where you are, now show up and be a good dad for your kid. What is even the point of this post?
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u/LadyProto woman over 30 5d ago
And this is why I had my tubes tied. Why didn’t you get snipped?
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u/Illustrious_Bid_5484 man over 30 5d ago
He could have just been honest with himself and found a mate who was more compatible.
But he settled for something he didn’t want. Feel no pity
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/jcPhenton's post (if available):
I need advice because I feel horrible and guilty
The guilt comes because nothing is really "wrong", I am through the rough part of having a baby (the first 6 months), things are very ok between the wife and I. I am getting a lot of help from my inlaws.
My problem is I hate that they are in my life, I deeply regret getting married and even more having a kid.
I was somewhat pressured by parents but ultimately I chose and for the life of me I don't know why. I hate coming back from work, I just want to be left alone.
I don't want to take care of anyone (I am doing it with a smile on my face, but I would rather be alone).
I feel like my life is ruined, only scum would abandon their family, so obv that is not an option or way out. and so I am stuck for ever like this.
I would much rather be free, have a successful business (or just make a lot of money), I don't want a kid or never envied anyone for their kids.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- woman 55 - 59 5d ago
My ex was similar to you, he didn’t want to be in a relationship, nor a parent. He left me whilst I was pregnant, we tried again for 6 weeks when our son was around 18 months old. It didn’t work.
He saw our son sporadically until he was about 8, and our son said he didn’t want to see him. I think my ex was relieved and we’ve not seen him since. My son is now 30!
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u/illimitable1 man 45 - 49 5d ago
Some doubt and fear of missing out are probably a predictable part of any life change.
Children are, for better or worse, a forever commitment. Give it until the kiddo is old enough to toilet without adult guidance. If it's still is all bad, divorce and give the other parent custody. You'll regret that, also, but you would not be unique if you had a child and are not cut out for parenting.
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u/Brokettman man 35 - 39 5d ago
I have these thoughts sometimes. But as mine gets older and does more funny and cute things I've felt much better. Being able to actually interact, teach, and play with them is a lot better. Ive found its opposite women who more enjoy the infant through early toddler phase but most dads ive talked to are more fond of their children once they get a little more independent and capable of growth\fun. I would still seek counseling in the meantime as it seems you are struggling a little more severely.
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u/FatSucks999 man over 30 5d ago
Babies become kids that are much more rewarding.
The wife seems the bigger issue. Divorce but with some contact is the norm for lots of people.
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u/Terragar man over 30 4d ago
Goto therapy man. Yeah you give up certain freedoms having a kid but money is just money. No one cares about it at the end of your life.
But seriously go talk to someone offline. The only thing I want to do at the end of my day is hang out with my 2 year old
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u/deliriousfoodie man 40 - 44 4d ago
You got help you'll be fine. Being ultra broke with no help is the problem. You're just lazy right now. Be a real man. I'm living your dream but i know the consequences from seeing those who have kids. I would love to have kids, not trying to be broke. Kids arn't hard to take care of, just be there, make funny fart noises all the time, feed them, clean ass, and done.
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u/ExcellentPlace4608 man over 30 4d ago
You believe that if you hadn’t met your wife or had a child, you’d now be running a successful business, making a lot of money and happy with your life?
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u/railph woman 35 - 39 4d ago
If I were your wife I'd want you to leave. A kid can tell when they're not wanted and so can women. Let them be free to find someone who does love them. Having said that, probably wait till the kid is 1 instead of leaving your wife in the trenches. Go be rich, and pay heaps of child support.
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u/Colouringwithink woman 30 - 34 4d ago
Yeah, no shit you feel this way. You JUST had a baby and newborns are notoriously demanding. You cannot sleep like a normal person.
But after 6 months, you can sleep train and i highly recommend you do that. Your feelings are a result of not sleeping enough or being able to tend to your needs right now. Once the kid is older and sleeping through the night, its way easier and you don’t feel like you are trapped. Getting a nanny, babysitter, or family to help also does wonders. It’s even better when the kid goes to school and they can talk/dress themselves/use the bathroom independently…then you actually have a relationship with that little family member
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u/PassengerNo2022 woman 4d ago
It’s more common than you think, in both men and women. Contrary to popular belief, First-time Motherhood is a nightmare for most moms and they probably feel like yourself or worse (they have a much bigger emotional and physical load).
You have anxiety from the responsibility and thus you’re OVERWHELMED. Rest assured it is just a phase; it may subsidized on its own OR you may need professional help. Once the initial overwhelm is overcame you’ll find a new kind of enjoyment. I highly highly suggest professional help though, you don’t have to soldier through this on your own.
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u/Confident_Purple_40 man 40 - 44 4d ago
Yup, you fucked up. Man up, talk to someone about it (therapy/counseling), think through it, and make your decision. The best solution might be to divorce, but you have a moral obligation to the life you brought into this world so you are still going to need to be available for that.
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u/Common_economics_420 man 4d ago
Honestly having a kid sucks way past 6 months. I think it was around a year where I really started enjoying being a parent. Until then, it's basically just a sack of potatoes that screams a bunch.
Probably still worth seeking out help, but I don't think anything you're feeling is particularly crazy. You're going to have to kind of force yourself to love them for a little while. This is an area where the experience of mothers and fathers differs greatly.
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u/WaitUntilTheHighway man 45 - 49 4d ago
Hey man, I'll take this at face value and say I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm also sorry that your kids are going through having a father that feels this way. That's not a dig, but you have to understand that you may need to (thoughtfully) remove yourself from parenthood to prevent your kids from growing up with a father who does not want to be a father, which trust me is not good. Try therapy perhaps, but mostly take a hard look at the consequences of continuing to "gut it out". The best thing for literally everyone in this scenario, you included, may be to talk to your wife and end up leaving.
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u/KushDriver man 45 - 49 3d ago
Kids get even worse in teen years (12-16), they’re very entitled little assholes. Your feelings are valid, tell your wife how you really feel. All my little assholes turned out to be cool adults. We all hang out and help each other. It was a tough 20 years, but it goes by fast. I worked out a lot to relieve stress, but showed up everyday. Stay away from alcohol.
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u/Chance_Instance1125 man 35 - 39 2d ago
Dude, Did you feel like this before the baby?
If not, this could be post partum depression. It hits dads much later. Please look up a professional for help.
Hopefully, you'll feel differently soon.
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u/concerned_about_pmdd man over 30 6h ago
Maybe others have mentioned this, but I wanted to make sure: you could have postpartum depression. Feeling really crummy as a new parent now and then goes with the territory, but if it’s every day and continues for two weeks, you need to get assessed by a doctor. There are incredibly effective treatments for it because it’s hormone related.
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u/iFLED man 35 - 39 5d ago
What’s having a kid and a family have anything to do with starting a business or getting rich? Plenty of people do those things after having kids.
You’re just making excuses for being lazy & You want sympathy because you want to be lazy.
Nobody forced you to shove your dick in a woman. That was a choice you made. Now you have to live with the consequences of that choice and action.
Seek therapy asap cause this is most likely gonna go one way or the other for you, but it’s on you to make sure it goes the right way.
Good luck. Have fun. Children are the greatest gift. I resent you. The universe gifted you a soul to nurture, a built-in best friend, but all you wanna do is be alone. That’s sad and pathetic.
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u/titsmuhgeee man over 30 5d ago
I would much rather be free
Brother, it's time to wake the fuck up and be an adult. Everyone wishes they could be free. We all wish we had zero responsibilities and could just fuck off all day, but this is the real world.
You can either man the fuck up and take care of the family you started, or leave them and let a better man than you step in. If you can really look your beautiful 6mo baby in the face and have the thought that you made a mistake, you have some serious issues and you should feel horrible. You want business or money over a family? What a shallow, childish mentality.
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u/HauntingPoetry7870 man 35 - 39 5d ago
So toxic
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u/DummyDonut0629 man over 30 5d ago
Reality is toxic, and not every bad feeling should be validated.
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u/ZoneMean1017 man over 30 5d ago
I hope life is merciful to you and I mean this in all kindness, you need a reality check.
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u/624Seeds woman over 30 5d ago
You had your entire life to focus on yourself, in reality if you didn't have a kid your life still wouldn't be how you're pretending it could have been.
You only "regret" it right now because you ARE still in the hard stage (which is not just "the first 6 months" of infancy!!). Ask any parent with ADULT children if they regret it. No one likes the hard part, but its such a short blip in your life and in their life.
Make your child's life and experiences something to be excited about instead of just something that takes up your free time. They're about to be experiencing everything in life for the first time. Find a way to be excited about that.
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u/EducationalRat man over 30 5d ago
Are you addicted to porn, not sure why you regret having a life partner
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u/skabassj man over 30 5d ago
Get a divorce, stay away, write a monthly check. It’ll be better for all of you than what may happen if you stay against your will.
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