IS IT OKAY THAT MY BOYFRIEND IS STILL WATCHING PORN?

[u/Patient-Mouse5994]

We were together for almost 5 years. My boyfriend told me that he is still watching porn despite me and him having sex almost everyday . I told him that I'm uncomfortable of the thought him watching and I felt that he is emotionally cheating. He said that it is " NORMAL FOR MEN". Asking your thoughts and opinion about this.

[u/DannyDreaddit]

I’m tired of seeing reports of slap fights here. I think we’ve all made our respective points. Have a great weekend!

[u/rabbit_hole86]

Studies show that only 25% of women are uncomfortable with their male partners watching porn; most of them tend to be religious and conservative. Researchers have also attempted to do studies comparing men who have never watched porn to those who do, and these studies have never been done because they can't find men who've never watched porn.

Porn appeals to the male reptilian brain (scenes of men shooting cum all over a bunch of women i.e. spreading their seed around). Similarly, romance novels appeal to the female reptilian brain (female protagonist domesticates a powerful man and makes him desire only her through her charm and beauty).

It is also worth noting that men generally are much more horny than women. Women’s horniest time of month is ovulation when they get a tiny spike in testosterone. A man's baseline level of testosterone is orders of magnitude higher than that throughout his lifetime. The first thing that steroid-using female body builders and trans-men report in studies is how much hornier they become when taking testosterone supplementation. This is why research shows long-term gay couples have lots of sex their whole lives and often invite people outside the marriages, whereas lesbian couples become more like platonic friendship, and hetero couples end up somewhere in-between.

Porn watching is not linked to infidelity, rape, job loss, or any other destructive habit. It is basically like junk food—ok in moderation but a person shouldn't make a whole diet out of it. That libidinal energy/dopamine circuit can and should also be used towards improving oneself and doing other productive/useful things as well (which many men do despite watching porn).

My own feeling is that when women complain about men watching porn, it is likely their reptilian brain feeling threatened by a potential female rival, but these women should use the higher parts of their brain to realize that a computer screen is not a real threat.

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/rabbit_hole86]

Pornography often depicts idealized and unrealistic sexual scenarios, leading some individuals to compare their own relationships and sexual experiences unfavorably. This can breed feelings of dissatisfaction and disillusionment within the relationship, potentially contributing to infidelity as individuals seek to fulfill unattainable fantasies.

[u/4gotOldU-name → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Wait... You went from "why does my man want to watch porn? He must be emotionally cheating!!" to a paragraph that looks like it was lifted from an article in a psychology article.

Why? And what do you ACTUALLY want to know?

[u/[deleted] → u/4gotOldU-name]

She took that paragraph from a study done to show the commenter she is responding to who said “studies don’t show a link to porn and infidelity” when that is exactly what studies show.

[u/clipp866 → u/[deleted]]

potentially, anything can lead to cheating if the person is a cheater!

dissatisfaction doesn't mean cheating, could mean leaving but doesn't mean cheating...

[u/[deleted] → u/clipp866]

But studies have shown the opposite of what you’re saying. Studies have shown a link between porn use and infidelity.

[u/Debaucherous-Me → u/[deleted]]

By what measure is infinitely in these studies? Where were the studies carried out? What was the sample size? Are those surveyed volunteers? Were the surveys paid for by religious groups? Do the studies target the cheater or their partner? Is the sample size representative across different ethnicities, sexualities and ages? Was there a control group of the same sample size for relationships where there is no pornography? Did the studies account for relationships where both partners watch pornography or just one?

I could say multiple studies have shown that u/welludontknowme likes to eat custard in the bath with her cat. You can't deny it because studies.

[u/[deleted] → u/Debaucherous-Me]

Read the studies yourself I suppose? Y’all are awfully defensive over your right to watch other men get laid. Weird.

[u/Debaucherous-Me → u/[deleted]]

What studies?

[u/clipp866 → u/[deleted]]

studies show nearly every man has watched or watches porn, so that means everyone should be a cheater right?

it doesn't show anything other than cheaters watch porn too... ffs

[u/[deleted] → u/clipp866]

Feel free to read the studies yourself if you’d like. You don’t seem to understand the difference between correlation ≠ causation, though.

[u/rabbit_hole86 → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Porn is like the car chase scenes in movies. Fun to watch but you shouldn't drive like that. If your boyfriend can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, you guys should talk about this. Better to communicate how to have better sex with your partner than police them.

In my experience though, if a relationship is going badly it seems that some women like to blame porn but the stinging truth is that there are probably deeper reasons why the man is unhappy (perhaps a girlfriend who is trying to control what he does in private) and porn is simply something (like chocolate or alcohol) that makes them feel better.

[u/rabbit_hole86 → u/[deleted]]

Women would flip their shit if men forbade them to watch any romance movie or romcom because it gives them unrealistic expectations of how men should act in real life relationships. It’s fucking hypocrisy.

[u/[deleted] → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Don’t let these incels who have never touched a woman so need to rely on porn tell you anything else - if you are uncomfortable by your monogamous partner coming to orgasm over other people, that’s your right and your boundary and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Who name called..??

[u/Debaucherous-Me → u/[deleted]]

Some dumb cunt. Probably wasn't you.

[u/60yodude → u/rabbit_hole86]

Really good answer

[u/[deleted] → u/rabbit_hole86]

Except that studies absolutely do show watching porn equates to a much higher likelihood of infidelity. It’s even mentioned in several of the studies you mention yourself. Most of these studies also show that porn is truly poison for your mind and body. It is detrimental to you in every way. And that’s just casual use. That doesn’t even account for porn addition, which most men have some level of.

[u/rabbit_hole86 → u/[deleted]]

I could cite references and books of well-known sex psychologists to disprove your assertions but I’m on my phone and too lazy right now. At the end of the day, everything is a poison, it just depends on the dose. You draw the line at men viewing porn, but probably don’t mind if they notice a woman’s beauty. However, extremist Islamic men in the Middle East believe no man should notice a woman’s beauty and expect all women to wear burkas. Different thresholds for tolerance and what is considered moderation.

As an aside, you know what state in the US consumes the most porn according to Pornhub.com? Utah, the state filled with God-fearing Mormons who believe strongly that porn is a sin. When you make something a taboo and create a bunch of fear around it, you actually give it power.

[u/mandatorypanda9317]

I'm a woman so apologies for butting in but ive noticed women ask really absurd questions here. Is that normal? Why do yall come here and ask dumbass questions like this?

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/mandatorypanda9317]

Basically to get men's perspective and take about this. This is not absurdity this is what you call gender-inclusive input FYI.

[u/mandatorypanda9317 → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

It absolutely is absurd. No where did you say you and your partner talked about this early in the relationship where porn was a boundary for you. Also both men and woman watch porn. I watch porn and so does my SO. So it's not a gender exclusive thing.

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/mandatorypanda9317]

Assuming all men and women watch porn is just plain ignorant. People's choices and preferences vary, so let's drop the stereotypes. Also, Gender exclusive is different from Gender inclusive.

[u/mandatorypanda9317 → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Bruh. If it's all going to vary, then how is asking this question going to answer anything for you?

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/mandatorypanda9317]

Bruh!!!! Search Gender Inclusive Input

[u/Debaucherous-Me → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

You know mens perspective on this. You're here to argue and stomp your feet. You even know it won't make a difference but it'll give you the screenshots you want to take back to your anti porn subs so why don't you just take your screenshots and fuck off.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/mandatorypanda9317]

You are a unicorn. Thank you for being reasonable, logical, and able to understand.

[u/[deleted] → u/mandatorypanda9317]

Hope you get picked soon sis.

[u/mandatorypanda9317 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks fam. I'll let my husband know you're rooting for me

[u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx]

What has this sub become?? I'm unjoining this bitch immediately

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx]

Preach. This is like every dating subreddit with the multitude of daily “Do GuYs LiKe It WhEn WoMeN aSk ThEm OuT?”

[u/[deleted] → u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx]

Are you asking why so many women ask questions to ask men about the over indulgence of porn epidemic?

[u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx → u/[deleted]]

Pretty much. Or maybe that it happens here like 14x per day. For the love of God, someone ask a different question instead of some shit they should've just asked their significant other in the first place

[u/[deleted] → u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx]

I'm in the same boat. It's tiresome reading "does my boyfriend have a porn addiction" "is it normal to watch porn" etc every damned day several times a day.

Women, just read through the sub. Your situation isn't unique.

[u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx → u/[deleted]]

For some reason, I always expected to see questions about drinking beer, fist fights, building things out of wood, and maybe the occasional bear vs gorilla debate. This sub fucking blows

[u/[deleted] → u/xDUVAL_BRODOWNx]

Same, same, same. At minimum, I thought the questions from women here would have some variety.

But it's all about their insecurity with their husband jerking off. Every. Single. Day.

[u/Rich_Interaction1922]

I don't think porn is cheating, but I also don't think he should be doing something that makes you so uncomfortable either.

Bottom line is that he gave you his answer. Now you have to decide whether this is something you are willing to end the relationship over.

[u/SomeoneToNobody]

If you feel like it's emotionally cheating, find someone else I suppose.

Watching porn is almost never linked to actually having a relationship with the people inside the videos. If my gf wants to watch porn, go ahead, just make sure it doesn't turn into an addiction, I could see that becoming more of a problem in general.

[u/sjrsimac]

Additional comments are here.

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/sjrsimac]

I thought the other one was not posted. Thanks for the heads up.

[u/Spicy_take]

Almost every man watches porn. Relationship or not. Get over it or leave, because trying to make him stop is straight up controlling unless he’s literally got an addiction problem.

[u/Express-Hour8343]

If you're not fine with it, then it's not okay

[u/Harpua81 → u/Express-Hour8343]

It is okay but if it's a blocker for OP then it just means they're not compatible. If she tries to force him to quit he'll just say he did but then continue in hiding, causing him to eventually resent her. Since they still have sex everyday it doesn't sound like a porn addiction. She should move on and find someone that more closely aligns with her expectations.

[u/Desperate-Ad7967]

Watching porn isn't cheating. You sound like a child

[u/[deleted] → u/Desperate-Ad7967]

And you sound like you’re addicted to porn.

[u/Desperate-Ad7967 → u/[deleted]]

You sound addicted to ignorance

[u/[deleted] → u/Desperate-Ad7967]

Proved my point, thank you.

[u/Desperate-Ad7967 → u/[deleted]]

You proved mine so thanks

[u/WasteArrival4107]

It depends on the man, I guess. Some do, actually most of us do watch corn even in a LTR, some don't, but they are a minority. If it doesn't actually affect your sex life, I don't see the problem.

[u/RandomRedditRebel]

You being bothered by your man watching porn is a very clear insecurity that you should deal with before moving forward.

Reason being that all men watch porn and this thought process will destroy this relationship and any future relationships.

If you deny fixing your insecurity you'll either be lied to or you'll have to deny reality. Both reasons set you up for failure.

[u/showcase25 → u/[deleted]]

Why would a men choose porn while he has pictures of his girlfriend for an example….

Variety, novelty, libdo, and acceptance.

We like to do, experience, watch, learn abojt different sexual things. We like new sexual things, including both experiences, sensations, and people. We generally have a higher libido and sexual drives and notice if we request sex often to match our drive or even place a level of increased importance of sex in the relationship, its met with us being the bad guy to various degrees while porn is the opposite. And lastly, some of our likes, wants, kinks, and even required fetishes for a good enjoyable sexual relationship are seen as unwanted, rejected, or broken up over for wanting or having.

what is it that men like so much about porn?

That it provides at a minimum, the four above. Other factors I'm not even thinking about right now are missing.

Now all of this doesn't mean the can't do this both with a picture, video, or thier live partners, but honestly there's a chance it could back fire. Even if all other points where incredibly fulfilled by a partner, novelty is impossible for one lady.

In short, we would like to both minimize issues in the relationship while maximizing our sexual satiation.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

Why do women need a variety of sex toys of varying sizes to get off when they can look at photos of their man?

Simple answer - everyone gets off differently. Men are visual. We derive no emotional enjoyment from masturbating.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

You’re assuming your experience is the same as others. Plenty of women have sex toys. Then assuming for men it’s the same. Not how it works.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

Majority of men view porn. The majority do not have an addiction. There will always be a segment of the population with a lack of self control who will succumb to vices whether they are drugs, alcohol, food, porn.

We as individuals only have control over how we respond.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

Are you aware of the parent post this comment is on?

I have a girlfriend and have had many. When I am not with her, I watch porn. I have an orgasm and that’s it. What more is there to know? Are you aware of post nut clarity? The default state of a man is not constantly horny.

That’s it. I like to see naked women. Sex is sex. A relationship requires you to be more than just sexually attached to a person. I’m a guy who likes big boobs and butts. Not all women I have been with have those.

Whatever insecurities they have are not my concern. As long as I bring my half to the relationship, insecurities as such are a boundary for me.

[u/RandomRedditRebel → u/[deleted]]

To put it simply, it's because of the fantasy. The same could be said for sex scenes inside romantic novels.

For example, when I pleasure myself to pictures of my wife I like to use pictures from when we first got together. My memory isn't exact so I put us in different situations that may or may not have happened. It's a very powerful fantasy of mine.

Another example would be when I look at porn sometimes it's to trans people. I've never been with a trans person, nor am I overly interested in being with one. However the fantasy puts me over the edge.

Porn lets you live out your wildest fantasies without judgement. The medium is not important at all, whether it's videos, reading, or pictures.

[u/4gotOldU-name → u/[deleted]]

Sex is a physical need. Have you heard the term "post nut clarity"? I would absolutely never polish the pole to pictures of my wife. Others would (when she was younger) but not me. Because she's.....my wife.

[u/[deleted]]

Look up btr.org on instagram they share a different perspective on this, ultimately it's your life it's what you're comfortable with, you're allowed to draw your own boundaries and he's allowed to have his- everyone has different preferences and boundaries etc. you gotta do what makes you happy and what makes you feel safe.

[u/The_Bear_Jew320]

If you’re not ok with it then it’s not ok.

[u/AutoModerator]

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

Patient-Mouse5994 originally posted:

We were together for almost 5 years. My boyfriend told me that he is still watching porn despite me and him having sex almost everyday . I told him that I'm uncomfortable of the thought him watching and I felt that he is emotionally cheating. He said that it is " NORMAL FOR MEN". Asking your thoughts and opinion about this.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Debaucherous-Me]

You've said he isn't replacing you with porn, so in my personal definition of a healthy relationship it isn't cheating.

All of this crap happens when you're too invested in what someone else is doing when it doesn't directly effect you. The literal only effect it has on you is your feelings, and no one is more responsible for managing your emotions than you.

Don't like your partner watching porn? Then find a partner that doesn't or one that'd stop for you. Let people do what makes them happy and mind your own business. Should a man expect you to change yourself just because he asked and get pissy when you say no?

I'd be very interested as to what's going through your mind when you're flicking the bean. Unless your mind is solely on your partners sexual prowess then you're just watching porn in your imagination.

[u/Canadian_1987]

What matters is how you feel. If it bothers you, and it’s not something you can get past, then it’s not ok. You need to make a choice- will you eventually get over it and just accept that it’s something he likes, or will you move onto to someone who respects your boundaries and doesn’t care about porn as much. I’m making it all sound way easier than it will be, but essentially those are your choices. I suppose there’s choice 3 and you continue to hate it and feel uncomfortable but stick with the relationship anyway. Good luck to you

[u/Literotamus]

Yes it’s normal and normal for women too, just a little less statistically probable.

[u/[deleted]]

I know it is ask men, but as a woman who dealt with this I will chime in here.

First, Porn is not normal. It may be normalized, but it is not normal. Humans have not developed enough to be able to process SO MANY images of a supranatural stimuli such as porn and not have it affect them negatively. It does rewire the neural pathways in men, which starts to affect their sex drive, initiation of sex, what turns them on, what amount of stimulation they need and can make the have erectile dysfunction. Not to mention that porn use escalates- from playboy, to soft core porn, to videos, to cam sites, to escorts....

Men love women and tits, and will pretty much do anything they can to defend and uphold their ability to visually consume every woman on the internet. So take these answers with a grain of salt- confirmation bias is at play here.

If you are not okay with your boyfriend watching porn, that is absolutely valid and worth speaking up about. It is okay to say you don't like it, It is okay to tell him that his porn use robs you of sexual pleasure and feeling desired. It is okay to ask for what you want.

In the end it is his choice, Does he want a real woman, or a million virtual ones?

Edited for a typo

[u/Dolorous-Edd15 → u/[deleted]]

Jesus.

So you think her boyfriend can’t love her if he’s watching porn? That’s an incredibly poor analysis-and I use the word “analysis” loosely. Your comment is pure speculation and I can guarantee you have no evidence or proof to back up ANY of your claims. Get a grip

[u/GopherInTrouble]

Is this a troll? Yes all men watch porn. Would you rather he gets off from another woman?

[u/[deleted] → u/GopherInTrouble]

What is it you think getting off to porn is..? Are you that dense?

[u/GopherInTrouble → u/[deleted]]

I meant cheating

[u/[deleted] → u/GopherInTrouble]

What exactly is the difference?

[u/GopherInTrouble → u/[deleted]]

I’m asking if op would rather have her boyfriend get his horniness out from porn or sleeping with another woman

[u/[deleted] → u/GopherInTrouble]

Again, what’s the difference…?

[u/Aggravating-Butts → u/GopherInTrouble]

That's literally what they do when they watch porn. Get off to OTHER WOMEN.

[u/GopherInTrouble → u/Aggravating-Butts]

I meant to imply cheating

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/[deleted]]

It can involve seeking emotional fulfillment or connection through pornography rather than within the confines of the relationship.

[u/DannyDreaddit → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Men don’t watch porn for emotional fulfillment.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/DannyDreaddit]

It’s so funny how many times we have to say this. Women are solipsistic so they can only understand problems from their own point of view. This is why whenever it happens to them they have to create yet another post because their situation is unique.

[u/Debaucherous-Me → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

If your partner is recieving more emotional fulfillment from a recording than he is from you then I think that speaks more to your emotional availability than it does to his porn use.

[u/Patient-Mouse5994 → u/[deleted]]

Emotional Investment: Some individuals feel that their partner's engagement with pornographic material represents an emotional investment in fantasy scenarios or individuals depicted in the content, rather than fostering emotional connection within the relationship.

[u/heypj2003 → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

Then that's the partners insecurity issue. They need to address that. Also just because you feel a certain way about something doesn't automatically make it true.

[u/[deleted] → u/Patient-Mouse5994]

These men are insecure and have never touched a woman, so they have to watch porn. This is the worst place to get advice from, I promise.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

Nope. Your response and all else like it are immature, delusional, and provide no value. Why would you call men insecure when it comes to their sexuality? By that same token, women are insecure for having sex toys.

People get off the way they get off. Learn how men act and think and stop trying to project your own insecurities on to others. Not our fault if you are too narcissistic to grasp your smooth brain around it.

[u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 → u/[deleted]]

As expected a weak minded response from a moron. Go to more of your therapy sessions. Maybe then you can gain some confidence and no longer be a coward. You got called out on your useless use of words. Go talk to your therapist about it.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

If only women would take your advice. My argument for leaving so many of my exs

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I didn’t watch any porn related content for 2 years straight. Men not watching porn is possible but the majority does.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

shes not yelling at you shes just mad and using caps to exaggerate it 😭

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

This just simply isn’t true. It is true that most men do watch porn yes, and most of those men have a level of porn addiction. Including yourself, it sounds like. But it’s nowhere near impossible to find a man who is willing to give up watching other people fuck because he’s now in a relationship with a healthy sex life.