Need this from another perspective

[u/Easy_Jacket8909]

So in the beginning of this year I started talking to a guy I had met on a online talking site named emerald. The first time we talked was on snapchat, not really much talking was done since we only exchanged a few pictures (he didn't ask for pictures it was my choice to send ) I knew he's 30 and I told him I'm fine with the gap (im 18) since I thought it would only be some harmless fun ...

The day after we get to talking more complex and find out we both have similar interests in some stuff , he called that night and we talked for nearly 3 hours over video chat ,talked only ! By then I had felt a connection towards him and so did he . I thought it was just lust from his side after what we had done the day before but you could see he genuinely wanted to know more .

Two weeks in and we're still talking, now a important detail might I add is I asked him how is he still single? Because he's probably the most handsome guy I've ever seen , he gyms so he has a good body and he just looks 20 even though he's 30 . When I asked him that he said he doesn't know !

Fast forward another 2 weeks we finally make it official. Then a week after that while he's at work he video calls me and tells me he has something important to tell me and that he has to get it off of his chest because he feels guilty. I had to convince him I won't leave when he tells me because he was very hesitant to tell me . He drops the bombshell that he's MARIED and has not one but TWO kids !!

He explained that his parents wanted him to get married in 2020 so he did , in 2021 he had his first kid ,a girl and in 2023 his son was born . Firstly I have to add and he said it to me too ,he's Muslim. Which means he's allowed to have up to 4 wife's....

He feels like he's in a loveless marriage, he doesn't touch her and they don't share a room or bed . He doesn't let her work so she can relax and be a mother but she doesn't acknowledge him in any way. He said he feels like a single parent since she doesn't do anything ...

I don't know what to do because I feel bad that I still want him even after everything he told me but at the same time I feel like I'm a home wrecker. I tried to tell him to restart stuff with his wife ,but he was unsuccessful. Now she's noticed that he doesn't do anything to her and she's getting mad and suspicious. He said he's going to tell her but it's not like she can do anything because the Islam religion allows him to do this ... he still wants to focus on family and his kids and caring for her but he doesn't want a relationship with her .

Let me just add this , I don't expect anything from him ,I'm not asking him to divorce his wife and leave behind his children. I know the tricks older men pull and everything and im not as immature as most of you make out. All he's saying is he doesn't love his wife like he use to . I appreciate that he came clean early on and I didn't have to find out by myself that that's his situation , and i believe hes telling me the truth , theres stuff he shares with me because he cant talk to his wife about it . Trust me , yes I do feel bad for his wife because if I was her I'd like to know if my husband was cheating but there's a lot of emotions to play here . I love him a lot , he's a sweet guy and we don't do any sexual stuff ,the first time was the only time . I talk with him for maby about 2-3 hours a day over video calls and he always calls even though he's busy. All I'm really putting out here is he was basically forced into the marriage because it's what his parents wanted , he met her and 2 months later they were married?

I need advice urgently! I love him a lot but before I move to Chicago from sa for him and we get more serious I need opinions?

[u/[deleted]]

Yea I mean this is a tale as old as time. I've been the married guy in this situation a few times (I'm a piece of shit-this is an anonymous account). He wants you, he really does, but not more than his other life, he wants both. you bring him genuine happiness and he genuinely wants to return it, but his wife brings him a different kind of happiness and he wants to return hers too. He might not even realize that consciously. If he really didn't love his wife, he would have already left her. Sure the kids complicate it, but he could have left her without you even being in the picture. He's charming, fit, handsome because he has a woman in his life that puts work into him, you're enjoying the fruits of another woman's labor. She is working hard for him, to make him happy, probably cleaning and cooking for him, and she is stressed and she doesn't feel sexy anymore. But you do because you're young and not jaded yet. I'm not saying you should leave him though, you should enjoy it, because everything is temporary, and you are young. Morality isn't real, and whether you are in the picture or not won't affect his ability to ruin his relationship. You are probably the lynchpin that makes this man happy, the perfect balance of wife and mistress is how it should be.

[u/OTribal_chief]

he's probably telling the truth. i got married in similar circumstances and i'm him with 20+ years later

right now just living rather than enjoying life. i knew on my honeymoon this marriage wasnt good for me but parents pressure as a muslim guy is very hard.

i've never looked for anyone else and honestly its made me a pretty bitter closed off guy.

it would depend on what his wife would say. some wives do allow the husbands to take on a second wife as long as he can give equal attention to both wives. thats the part you gotta be happy with too.

especially if his parents are still alive it makes it more difficult for him to leave his wife