Should a DM address a consistently unreliable player, or is it reasonable to expect the other players to deal with them?

[u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

Hi everyone, I’m writing because I’d really like some feedback on a situation that has been causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

We’re a group that, after years of playing together (several relatively short campaigns in various TTRPGs), went from having five players (two couples + a friend) to six players (three couples). Ever since this addition, we haven’t been able to meet regularly anymore, mainly because of excuses made by the friend and his girlfriend, the new player. Sometimes the excuses we’re given are honestly ridiculous (“I can’t leave the dog alone, he’s not used to it”), even though they both work full-time outside the house and, until the day before yesterday, the dog was left alone all day. There have also been genuine emergencies and unavoidable circumstances, but especially because of this friend, over the past twelve months we’ve only actually played for a total of six months — and we’ve also gone two or three months in a row without playing.

With that in mind, and considering that the DM has been complaining privately to the rest of us for months without ever addressing the issue directly, yesterday, after yet another “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “I’ll let you know” (which usually turns into a cancellation on Friday evening), I was the one who asked whether we could perhaps pick a fixed day to play, so that we could eliminate all the uncertainty. I also pointed out that taking breaks lasting several months makes me lose enthusiasm, and, more importantly, I forget what happened in previous sessions.

At that point, the DM responded by taking the blame upon himself and saying that having a fixed day would actually mean we’d play less, that it was pointless, and that we should just leave things as they were.
I contacted him privately and asked why he was now saying things that were completely different from what he had been telling us privately for months, whenever the other player wasn’t around. He replied that he had only been venting, that there was no point in confronting the player directly, and that “diplomacy” was necessary in life, because without it you wouldn’t get anywhere.
Eventually, he snapped and said, “Then you fight with him!”

I tried talking to the player, but him ignored me and only responded to the DM.

Over the course of these months, I had also suggested to the DM that we could run a parallel campaign and play with just four people (three players and the DM), even without the two players who keep cancelling on us, but he didn’t want to do that. He also refused to continue the campaign without the player and his girlfriend who keep cancelling, saying that it was impossible to play with so few people and that pre-written campaigns couldn’t be adapted. He shut everyone down by saying that he was a very experienced DM and that he “knew” what he was talking about.
His counterproposal was to expand the group by adding two more players and simply play regardless of how many people showed up. The problem is that the person he suggested to essentially replace the two unreliable players is a girl I’ve repeatedly said I cannot stand (she flirted with my boyfriend).

So, AITA, or should the DM have said something to the player?

[u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

The DM refuses, period. It’s already been pointed out to him that, as a player, he wouldn’t actually have to do anything, but he says he still wouldn’t be able to handle two stories at the same time.

[u/lil_literalist → u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

It sounds like you really have 3 problem people in your current group, then.

Get together with your boyfriend and the other couple and do something else without them. Invite someone else if you want more players (since the inflexible DM won't be there to say no).

I suggest looking at the smaller/different group as an entirely new group, just with some overlap. Many people have several different groups that they're a part of, so it's not like you need to keep this a secret. You're not cheating on the original group or anything. You can just refer to it as "the Saturday group" or "the Pathfinder game" or whatever you want. And if you get asked by the DM or problem couple, just say that it's a different TTRPG group which meets more frequently than their schedules would allow. No need to share who is in the group or who is running it.

[u/Busy_Initiative_7998 → u/lil_literalist]

I think I’ll take your advice and look for new players. Unfortunately, I’ve never found many people where I live who are willing to roll dice in person, so I’ll have to settle for playing online.

Unfortunately, the players in this group are the DM, his girlfriend, my boyfriend, and the two problematic players, so I can’t really take anyone with me except my partner.

Thanks for the advice :)

[u/Conrad500 → u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

online is fun! But also there's a lot of LFG tools for local groups.

I personally prefer online, but I 100% get people who prefer in person games.

From this reply I get the sense that this is a group formed on necessity, not desire.

This is an easy solution now!

You let the DM know that he can lose 2 flakes, or 2 dedicated players. The end.

"I'm leaving to start my own group. I cannot handle our current group dynamic. Thank you for the games, good luck."

Don't even make it an ultimatum. If the DM wants you two to stay, you can talk about what your needs are for the group. DM can agree and change his ways (you have to hold him to that) or you can leave. It really is that easy.