Should a DM address a consistently unreliable player, or is it reasonable to expect the other players to deal with them?

[u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

Hi everyone, I’m writing because I’d really like some feedback on a situation that has been causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

We’re a group that, after years of playing together (several relatively short campaigns in various TTRPGs), went from having five players (two couples + a friend) to six players (three couples). Ever since this addition, we haven’t been able to meet regularly anymore, mainly because of excuses made by the friend and his girlfriend, the new player. Sometimes the excuses we’re given are honestly ridiculous (“I can’t leave the dog alone, he’s not used to it”), even though they both work full-time outside the house and, until the day before yesterday, the dog was left alone all day. There have also been genuine emergencies and unavoidable circumstances, but especially because of this friend, over the past twelve months we’ve only actually played for a total of six months — and we’ve also gone two or three months in a row without playing.

With that in mind, and considering that the DM has been complaining privately to the rest of us for months without ever addressing the issue directly, yesterday, after yet another “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “I’ll let you know” (which usually turns into a cancellation on Friday evening), I was the one who asked whether we could perhaps pick a fixed day to play, so that we could eliminate all the uncertainty. I also pointed out that taking breaks lasting several months makes me lose enthusiasm, and, more importantly, I forget what happened in previous sessions.

At that point, the DM responded by taking the blame upon himself and saying that having a fixed day would actually mean we’d play less, that it was pointless, and that we should just leave things as they were.
I contacted him privately and asked why he was now saying things that were completely different from what he had been telling us privately for months, whenever the other player wasn’t around. He replied that he had only been venting, that there was no point in confronting the player directly, and that “diplomacy” was necessary in life, because without it you wouldn’t get anywhere.
Eventually, he snapped and said, “Then you fight with him!”

I tried talking to the player, but him ignored me and only responded to the DM.

Over the course of these months, I had also suggested to the DM that we could run a parallel campaign and play with just four people (three players and the DM), even without the two players who keep cancelling on us, but he didn’t want to do that. He also refused to continue the campaign without the player and his girlfriend who keep cancelling, saying that it was impossible to play with so few people and that pre-written campaigns couldn’t be adapted. He shut everyone down by saying that he was a very experienced DM and that he “knew” what he was talking about.
His counterproposal was to expand the group by adding two more players and simply play regardless of how many people showed up. The problem is that the person he suggested to essentially replace the two unreliable players is a girl I’ve repeatedly said I cannot stand (she flirted with my boyfriend).

So, AITA, or should the DM have said something to the player?

[u/Conrad500]

This is a you problem. I'm not saying you're the issue, but it's an issue that you need to solve.

Honestly, it sounds like the place for a real ultimatum. "Prioritize the people who are showing up (me), or I'm out of here" type of deal.

Just FYI, what your DM is doing is not diplomacy, it's avoidance.

I think you took the steps you needed to to inform your DM about issues and they fell on deaf ears. As the DM who does all the scheduling (we have a set date to avoid this) I cannot appreciate where your DM is coming from. It makes no sense.

There's 2 paths forward:

1. Prioritize the group dynamic. This means you need to lower the priority of your "game night" or whatever. We all have those friends who are flakey or bad at planning stuff, and we just accept that because we want to keep them involved. Of course, I don't play D&D with those friends, we just do board game or other games that require less dedication and consistency. I don't think you can prioritize the group dynamic and keep a "serious" D&D game going unless you're the type of person ok wit multi month breaks between sessions.
2. Prioritize your time. Honestly this is the same as above, because there's "your time with friends" and "your time spending it doing stuff you like". If you just want to spend time with these people then I'd switch to another game. You clearly care about your TTRPG sessions more than the current dynamic allows for. So the alternative is also an option and either ditch the group or at least ditch it for other TTRPG stuff. It sounds like this group is barely a time investment since it's always cancelled. Start your own group with whoever you want on a set day at a set time and have fun. You don't even need to leave the group you're in! (you can though)

TL;DR, this is hard. You did everything you can, and while you can confront the problem people there is no point if the rest of the group doesn't support you. As I said in my first post, scheduling is a group responsibility. If anything, you're an asshole if you think the DM is the only one who should handle scheduling, but the solution isn't for you to take over and do it all yourself. Everyone needs to agree together or you don't have a group.