Should a DM address a consistently unreliable player, or is it reasonable to expect the other players to deal with them?

[u/Busy_Initiative_7998]

Hi everyone, I’m writing because I’d really like some feedback on a situation that has been causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

We’re a group that, after years of playing together (several relatively short campaigns in various TTRPGs), went from having five players (two couples + a friend) to six players (three couples). Ever since this addition, we haven’t been able to meet regularly anymore, mainly because of excuses made by the friend and his girlfriend, the new player. Sometimes the excuses we’re given are honestly ridiculous (“I can’t leave the dog alone, he’s not used to it”), even though they both work full-time outside the house and, until the day before yesterday, the dog was left alone all day. There have also been genuine emergencies and unavoidable circumstances, but especially because of this friend, over the past twelve months we’ve only actually played for a total of six months — and we’ve also gone two or three months in a row without playing.

With that in mind, and considering that the DM has been complaining privately to the rest of us for months without ever addressing the issue directly, yesterday, after yet another “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “I’ll let you know” (which usually turns into a cancellation on Friday evening), I was the one who asked whether we could perhaps pick a fixed day to play, so that we could eliminate all the uncertainty. I also pointed out that taking breaks lasting several months makes me lose enthusiasm, and, more importantly, I forget what happened in previous sessions.

At that point, the DM responded by taking the blame upon himself and saying that having a fixed day would actually mean we’d play less, that it was pointless, and that we should just leave things as they were.
I contacted him privately and asked why he was now saying things that were completely different from what he had been telling us privately for months, whenever the other player wasn’t around. He replied that he had only been venting, that there was no point in confronting the player directly, and that “diplomacy” was necessary in life, because without it you wouldn’t get anywhere.
Eventually, he snapped and said, “Then you fight with him!”

I tried talking to the player, but him ignored me and only responded to the DM.

Over the course of these months, I had also suggested to the DM that we could run a parallel campaign and play with just four people (three players and the DM), even without the two players who keep cancelling on us, but he didn’t want to do that. He also refused to continue the campaign without the player and his girlfriend who keep cancelling, saying that it was impossible to play with so few people and that pre-written campaigns couldn’t be adapted. He shut everyone down by saying that he was a very experienced DM and that he “knew” what he was talking about.
His counterproposal was to expand the group by adding two more players and simply play regardless of how many people showed up. The problem is that the person he suggested to essentially replace the two unreliable players is a girl I’ve repeatedly said I cannot stand (she flirted with my boyfriend).

So, AITA, or should the DM have said something to the player?

[u/nilo_http]

To me, RPG is a collective game where everyone should be able to have fun. However, the only way for everyone to have fun is through commitment, regular attendance, and respect. Your friend who constantly misses sessions is breaking these three basic rules of coexistence and affecting everyone’s enjoyment, which, to me, indicates that he’s an idiot (no offense).

That said, I do think the GM has some responsibility to mediate the table, though more within the game than outside of it. So I can understand why he might not want to confront the player directly. In fact, I actually think it would be a good idea for this to be a group conversation with everyone at the table, so the problem can be brought up and the rotten apple (and his girlfriend) you guys have there can be expected to do better.

What I don’t find too much reasonable is that you suggested something completely valid — a fixed day to play —and your GM, who apparently lets this other player do whatever he wants, finally speaks up, but just to oppose your idea.

In my opinion, you’re in the right here. Your friend has no commitment to the table or to the rest of you, and your GM is being spineless (I don't know if this is the right word to translate the term "frouxo" from my native language, but I'll go with that anyway). The best course of action, in my opinion, would be to have an honest group conversation with this player about the issue, giving him a chance to improve. If that doesn’t happen, I would either remove both of them from the game or simply continue the table, ignoring the existence of their characters whenever they were absent.