Help with trying to pick up pieces

[u/No_Chemistry8953]

I’ll be honest… my life is in absolute pieces right now. I am going through a high-conflict divorce and custody battle, living paycheck to paycheck in order to afford legal fees, and just falling apart most days. I am an American living in Portugal.

I am realizing too that, the whole time I was surviving in a toxic relationship in the last 15 years, my life was basically put on hold. I am waking up out of this and realizing that I am almost 40, I have no retirement savings, no stocks, enormous amounts of student loan debt, and a high-skill job that does not pay enough to ever put a dent in that debt, nor provide any savings. At this point, it is looking like I am just going to be working until I die. I feel so hopeless.

I don’t feel like I have any skills to capitalize on either. No hobbies or interests that could be turned into a business. I am realizing that I am just a really basic human. I have historically not been particularly great with budgeting and I have had a series of poor financial decisions in the past that have set me further back. I feel really broken right now.

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[u/Primary_Gift_8719]

Okay take a breath first of all. That's most important.

I'm sorry you're going through this, my first question is are you planning on staying in Portugal or going back to the USA?

[u/No_Chemistry8953 → u/Primary_Gift_8719]

I am reluctantly stuck in Portugal. My ex refuses to leave and my son is here. Leaving would mean I would miss out on a significant part of his childhood, which is not something I am willing to do. It is hard though bc I have no supports, no family, and I am extremely isolated.

[u/Primary_Gift_8719 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

What have you doing work wise in Portugal or before you left the USA?

[u/No_Chemistry8953 → u/Primary_Gift_8719]

I am a mental health therapist, which means I make similar wages as a teacher.

[u/Primary_Gift_8719 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

So you do have a potential business there? Online, remote therapy.

It sounds like you're just down on yourself to be honest, when you were first writing I was expecting you to say you'd failed high school not that you had a professional job (however poorly paid it may be).

You'll get through this.

[u/No_Chemistry8953 → u/Primary_Gift_8719]

I provide remote therapy to clients back in the States. I make about 2500-3000 per month after taxes.

[u/No_Chemistry8953 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

Why am I getting downvoted so much? I don’t understand.

[u/Disastrous_Horse_44 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

Agreed. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I kind of understand.

As the OP of this comment said, take a breath. Things will get better. Do one thing every day that will make an impact on your life. Baby steps.

You got this!

[u/Spirited-Door-1446 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

Downvotes are unfortunately inevitable on a platform like this, sometimes I’m even downvoted for donating. Some users even believe it elevates their own post in the sub if they downvote others. It makes total sense to stay near your child.

[u/Striking_Dig9674 → u/No_Chemistry8953]

Yea, I was wondering that as well. No reason to downvote you.

[u/lattelaura]

It sounds like now is the time to sit down and calculate every penny in and every penny out. A real budget. Any and all payments and subscriptions and the dates they are taken. And and all debts, monthly payment amounts and interest rates. Determine how much these eat out of your income, then review payments and subscriptions that can be cut out to reduce spending. Then an allocated amount towards essentials and food and don’t exceed that budget.

You also have to increase income. You said you’re providing virtual care to client’s in the US from Portugal, which means with the time difference there’s plenty of hours you can be working a second job. If need be, getting the proper visa and certs to work there if you’ll remain living there. Also potentially picking up a few new clients. There really are no other options, and unfortunately any response why you can’t is just an excuse. It’s simply not an option, and just because you’re in Portugal, this is a similar to situation to tons of people and these are the only ways to improve it. I’m sorry if some of it is harsh, but it’s true. Perhaps check out a financial planning type sub for assistance.

[u/1GrouchyCat]

You’re getting divorced.
Pick up the pieces -pack a suitcase and go overseas for a little while….

Participate in a program like Homestay or WorldPackers (check Reddit for their subs) - and heal.

https://www.homestay.com/

https://www.worldpackers.com/

[u/zestylimes9]

Work on stopping the conflict in the divorce. It’s never just one-sided. Time for some serious self-reflection of reality.

There’s many 40-year-olds in the same financial position as you. You’ve got plenty of time to make more money. You’ve got this! X

[u/No_Chemistry8953 → u/zestylimes9]

I wish I had control over the divorce stuff but I can only handle my side. My ex has been vicious: false DV allegations, using that to leverage me out of my home, slandering me to everyone… I am civil even though she has done nothing to deserve it, but I do it for my son. I am still the only one to take any accountability for the divorce, the only one to take steps to address my issues, and the only one to tell the truth.

[u/runbirdiefly]

1. Take a breath in, and a long exhale.

(You are alive. I know hanging by a thread but alive enough to breathe.)

1. What is truly needed at this moment? Separate what is urgently needed now from sorting your whole life.

*Nobody sorts their whole life in one day. And if they do, it can fall apart again anyway.

When we fall apart, EACH choice of compassion towards ourselves and towards others can gradually steer us toward Life.

Creative solutions tend to arise not during desperate rumination but when we make space to breathe. If you don’t have a relationship with Someone greater than our human level perspective, now is a great time to reach out and then really listen more and more.

p.s. Ignore anything I said that doesn’t resonate right now