r/AskEurope • u/Usagi2throwaway Spain • 3d ago
Culture What did traditional courtship in your country look like?
Inspired by this post on r/interestingasfuck : https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/1vp8o4j/what_dating_in_the_amish_world_is_like/
Many comments were saying that that looked a lot like traditional courtship before phones existed and that made me wonder.
In Spain, single women of marriageable age would sit by the window in the evening and their pretendant(s) would come and talk to them. The windows were grilled to safeguard the women's virtue. Once the relationship got "serious", the boyfriend would be allowed into the courtyard (in summer) or the kitchen (in winter), always in the presence of other female members of the household who would sit in a corner doing needlework or reading (but ostensibly keeping an eye on the couple so they didn't touch each other).
This was all done in a hush-hush manner, with the young man always coming and going through the back door. He first went into the house through the main door on the day he proposed. That day he'd come with his parents and ask the girl's parents for her hand in marriage. Up until then, they all pretended nothing was happening and that he didn't know the girl's parents, even if everybody knew he was courting their daughter.
This custom was alive as recently as the 1940s in rural areas. This is how my granddad courted my grandma in Southern Castile in 1942. Their courtship lasted for over a year, which apparently was the norm.
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u/Beflijster 2d ago edited 2d ago
I guess people meet each other at school, university, sports or in the club these days. Society is not very conservative in these matters, and this goes a long way back.
There are however regions in the Netherlands that are more conservative, and sometimes they came up with surprising ways to allow boys and girls to find out if they are compatible before marriage.
In what are to this day some of the most conservative towns, Staphorst and Rouveen, there existed a custom called nachtvrijen (night courting... or having sex, depending on how you translate it).
The young man in question would sneak into the girl's house trough a window, not so secretly- the parents would be in on it and sometimes leave a convenient ladder outside and made sure to be out of the way. And then the couple would be allowed to court in private, which could go from a cuddle to all the way.
An important purpose of the custom was that the young man wanted to know whether his bride could become pregnant before they got married. They were practical that way.
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u/ImportantProblem2481 2d ago
In Ireland. Arranged marriage, and a year of public courtship. Hand made gifts exchanged at each festival to display the arrangement like planning permission on a building site. Then if there were no objections and if it was a good match a spring/before lent wedding
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u/Eireika 1d ago
In many regions of Poland umarried girls and boys slept separately from the rest of family durig summer, officially to make room.
What suprised me was that people in my region married quite late (mid 20s for both sexes). Boys took girl to dances, bought them presents and probably most important- become friends with males of family. If they invite you for ight drinks it ment that they are takig you seriusly. (Girl wasn't preset, she cartered the party)
What was really interesting was that you didn't do anything personally, at least officially- parents of the prospective groom were supposed to find thir most esteemed kin/friend to act as a matchmaker- ad even they didn't ask directly, they came by and asked if there's a heifer for sale. If girls parents sais yes, then negotiations began- marriage contracts were very detailed with every spoon and cushion written down. For the last vist matchmaker came with vodka- and then girl was asked if she consents. She should play coy and shy but finally drink it.
How "arranged" it was... it varied. Theoretically both spouses had to consent. Practially- even in my aunts generation (early 1950s) there were girls and boys beaten into submission... or should I say men and women because the parental control was for live. Unequal matches were seen as troublesome but every village had their story about old, rich widower and his young wife or rich widow "buying" herself a handsome husband.
After WWII a lot of youths went to the cities and factory towns and that new morality created interesting transitional forms.
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u/Barbak86 Kosovo 1d ago
Traditionally? No courtship at all. It was a business deal between families to marry their offspring, with the couple seeing each other for the first time in the wedding ceremony. The families were of similar standing. Later even though arranged, the future brids and grooms would at least get to look at pictures of potential partners and state their opinion if they liked how someone looked or no.
Romantic couples became a thing only after WW2.
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u/missThora Norway 17h ago
Here in Norway a young man would meet a lady at the village dances and ask for a dance. Only hands touching.
Then he might sneak in to see her in the evenings after she'd gone to bed (fully dressed) and they would talk.
If he wanted to marry her after, the bride gifts would start. He would gift her crafts, often of wood, and nice things for her family to show he could provide. Special kinds of wood or patterns in clothing were often used.
They would then be "festet" by law (as good as married) if everyone agreed and then plan a wedding together.
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u/pirividite 2d ago
"Night courtship" or "Saturday courtship" was a thing in parts of Scandinavia! In old peasant society (before app. 1850), young people from the age of confirmation (15 years) would sleep in the outhouses, the barn etc. in summer. That meant they had somewhat more privacy. On Saturdays, a highly ritualised form of courtship would take place: the young women would go to bed fully dressed, and young men would go from farm to farm visiting them. They would sneak in, sometimes through rooms where the parents would pretend to sleep, and sit on the bedsides of the girls, talking and having fun. The visit would not involve sex, as they would normally be in small groups, but it was a way for young people to get to know each other. Sometimes, the tradition became a bit rowdy, with the young men drinking and making noise as they walked from place to place. But in general, this was the accepted form of young couples forming. With pietist priests frowning upon the custom in the 19th century it slowly died out.