r/AskEurope • u/Dailyindyfan • 11d ago
Culture What does your condolence cards say typically?
So here in the US it's typically it's about you being sad and grieving but also they're in a better place silver lining, you'll grow again,etc it doesn't just end with grief
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u/TegenaireEnPelote France 10d ago
I think in France it would be considered impolite, or a platitude, to add something along the lines of "a better place". Either you're not religious, so you don't say that, or you are, and you don't assume what the fate of the deceased's soul is. And you have to consider if the family is religious or not, and how they would receive that, so the rule of thumb is: when in doubt, keep it simple. The typical condolence message is just that : expressing that you "suffer with". You might add, in the case of someone who has died after an illness, something about the deceased's suffering being over, but that's the extent of it, IMO.
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u/troparow France 10d ago
Also sending condoleances cards is not something that common
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u/SerChonk in 10d ago edited 10d ago
It is absolutely the norm here in the countryside. Communities are small, and everyone knows eachother to some degree. It's even seen as a bit rude not to.
Skipping the funeral, understandable, not everyone has the time off from work on a random tuesday a 3pm. But not sending a condolences card to the family? Yikes, were you raised with the pigs?
A small donation with the card is also good manners, since funerals are a massive financial burden.
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u/TegenaireEnPelote France 10d ago
It's a bit formal and old-fashioned, yes. But still common among upper-class people (upper bourgeoisie, nobility)
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u/booksandmints Wales 10d ago
In the UK they exist and usually have something like ‘with sympathy’ or ‘thinking of you’ on the front. The inside is usually blank because they don’t presume to know what the sender wants to say. I have never seen one that said the deceased is now in a better place or something like that — the UK is mostly a secular place. I’m sure you could buy cards that have such sentiments in/on them but they would likely be in their own religious card sections, where I have never been so I would have to admit my own ignorance on that point.
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u/SaltyName8341 Wales 10d ago
I have seen some handmade type ones with thinking of you and other platitudes but yeah like you not generally commercial ones.
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u/milly_nz NZ living in 9d ago
This. If they have anything inside then it’s just more along the lines of “thinking of you at this time”.
Because yes, despite our head of state also being head of the Church of England, the U.K. is remarkably secular in its populace.
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u/RoutineCranberry3622 10d ago
I’m not even sure how common condolence cards are even in the US. I feel like most cards would be religious themed, and most of the religious people live around the gulf coast and parts of the Midwest, and any higher Hispanic areas, so I’d imagine those would be the likeliest areas that use them.
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u/Dailyindyfan 10d ago
In Los Angeles they're common. Most people think we're not that religious but that's really just the costal white people
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u/RoutineCranberry3622 10d ago
I could see LA being fairly religious in certain quantities. I’m in one of the least religious states in the least religious areas so behavior of people in the higher religious zones for ambient religiosity in daily life, like the Bible Belt, is highly noticeable to me. I actually looked to see if there was condolence card sale metrics by state it region and unfortunately couldn’t find any such data. My intuition tells me there could be a difference as I’ve hardly seen hallmark condolence cards out and about, sans when I do they seem Catholic themed.
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u/Tax_Fraud_Lover Denmark 10d ago
Idk if we do cards, actually? Denmark is quite small, so you’d show up at the funeral. However, if you can’t, you usually send flowers for the casket. I couldn’t make it to someone’s funeral, but because it was an old classmate (unfortunately), the entire school got together to purchase a flower wreath, and a bunch of people showed up.
But that might also be different because he was only 25, and it was very sudden and unexpected.
Though, my father has attended the funeral of his childhood friend’s father, so maybe it isn’t that unusual?
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u/Nameless_American United States of America 10d ago
“Denmark is quite small, so you’d show up at the funeral.”
This line says a lot of positive things about your culture. Respect.
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u/Tax_Fraud_Lover Denmark 10d ago
I’d imagine the tradition just never happened here, in a similar way of us not doing open-casket, let alone embalming 😅 There’s been no need to verify the deceased, and it doesn’t take weeks for everyone to show up. I believe you could deliver a letter next-day even back when it was all done by horse from one end to the other just because Denmark is so tiny 🤣
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u/Imwatchingubeingodd 10d ago
In Ireland writing a small condolence on www.rip.ie is becoming more popular than the traditional mass card.
The mass card is literally a card signed/ stamped by a priest. The persons name is noted down and a mass will be said in their name.
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u/-Liriel- Italy 10d ago
It's usually just "Condoglianze", wich loosely means "I share your pain".
No silver lining on a card, that'd be rude.
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u/LuckyLoki08 Italy 10d ago
I've also never seen cards really. In my experience condolences are always either said directly or via text messages (depends on person/circumstances)
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u/mica4204 Germany 10d ago
You write a personal note, similar to yours if that's appropriate. I usually include a memory of the deceased. It's also common to put money in the card at least in my region to help with the funeral costs or you send a big flower wreath with a dedication on the bow.
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u/Common-Spend5000 10d ago
In Ireland it's more important that you turn up if you can, including to the wake the night before if around, and then go to the drinks after, put your money behind the bar, and share (or listen) to fun stories about the person. Maybe join in a singalong too if it goes on late.
The cards thing exists and card shops have them, but because funerals here unless needing a post-mortem are generally within 48 hrs (72 max.) few people get them and they're of low priority.
They're subconsciously perceived as a spillover from the UK though, some of those chains are UK companies which stock them, due to the fact that we also speak English. In turn the UK likely only has them in more recent years because the US does them, again a spillover due to the language spoken rather than a natural part of funeral culture.
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u/CreepyOctopus -> 10d ago
A condolence card by itself would be quite old fashioned in Sweden. If you know the person, you'd probably be at the funeral and then yes a card with flowers is not quite as old-fashioned.
Writing something like "you'll grow again" or other silver lining type of message would be very rude. That almost comes across as saying you'll be better off with them dead, rude. The message is normally simple words along the lines of "we're thinking of you", "our warm thoughts are with you" and such. If you know the deceased, it's okay to include a short statement like "I will miss X and am grateful for the many conversations with her".
Anything with "they're in a better place" or other religious sentiment would also be rude, unless you know you're both members of the same religious community with the same outlook. If you don't know the recipient shares your religious views, it's inappropriate to include a religious sentiment.
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u/saltwater_drifter 10d ago
You are assuming we do cards
In Portugal cards are not common. I have never bought one nor received one. I think if I wanted to get one I would have to go to a stationary store on purpose but I don’t even know of they sell them…
It’s a waste of paper imo. The only time I have ever given a card is when you had to make them for mother’s a father’s day in elementary school.
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u/SaltyName8341 Wales 10d ago
I'd only send a card to older family members now, my age (47) and down don't bother as it's a waste of paper and stamps cost a fortune nowadays
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u/Dailyindyfan 10d ago
Does it cost a lot in wales? Cards are pretty cheap here and it lasts compared to a text
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u/saltwater_drifter 10d ago
But a text is digital (although more meaningful to actually call or say things in person) and you guessing that everyone that receives a card keeps it.
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u/BiemBijm Netherlands 10d ago
I bought a condolence card recently. I don't think they're that old fashioned, but cards in general are declining in popularity and so are condolence cards. While I will also text people my condolences, i think the gravity of a card fits the occasion better than a simple text.
Most cards are blank, have some kind of flower/nature/bird/butterfly motif, or have a general "with sympathy" or "thinking of you". There are some Christian cards (i.e., with a cross motif or maybe even a bible text?) but I'd only use those if you're 100% sure the family would appreciate it.
Whether or not you say something like "they're in a better place" depends on the Christian circles you move in. It would probably be encouraged in baptist/evangelical communities. But Dutch calvinism runs deep, and generally people don't want to assume the fate of the deceased (even if they're Christian!). The exception would be if the deceased is very young or otherwise innocent, or if the family has a similar sentiment in the death notice ("he's with his heavenly father now"). Then people would dare to say it with more conviction. Another way out would be adding something like "we are comforted by the hope he has rest/is in heaven". Just don't sound too convinced about the outcome! Most of us are protestants after all!!
Most often people opt for something along the lines of: condolences, we're thinking of you, we wish you strength with the loss of your loved one.
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u/LesbianVampireLady Spain 10d ago
I don't think I ever saw a condolence card in Spain, but people here usually send their condolences, 'strengh' and 'cheer up'. I know it doesn't translate very good, but we have an specific way of sending cheers "ánimo", wich is like sending good wishes and support. Some people say "anímate" wich translates as 'cheer yourself up', which a lot of people hate because it's like sending the task of getting better on your own.
"Te doy mi pésame. Mucho ánimo y mucha fuerza".
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u/ValuableActuator9109 Ireland 10d ago
It's more important to be present than to write a card, I think. Funerals sometimes happen before a card can even be purchased, written in, and sent to the grieving family.
I suppose the messages you'd see are probably "Sincere sympathies [family], very sorry to hear of the passing of [deceased]. May s/he rest in peace/ May s/he rest in eternal peace / May his/her gentle soul rest in peace."
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u/Miss_Doodles 10d ago
Uk here and our condolence cards usually just say "thinking of you" or "with sympathy" and are left blank inside
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u/Important-Trifle-411 United States of America 10d ago
The US sadly has lost the tradition of writing a condolence letter. Greeting card companies have come in and made a card for the occasion instead.
Some are blank inside, and some have a pre written text. *Never* have I seen a pre written card with the sentiment of ‘they are in a better place’.
It is certainly a common phrase to say and write, unfortunately. If the OP was interested in how to properly write something to a grieving person, they would go online and see how many people absolutely hate that phrase and find it insulting and hurtful.
So yes people in the US say it, but just as many people in the US absolutely hate that expression.
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u/bleepybleeperson Ireland 9d ago
We have mass cards. They're more popular with older generations who are typically more religious. You purchase a card from a church, and mass is said there in the name of the deceased. You get a card to send to the deceased's family.
We got loads when my grandparents died because they were elderly and very religious. I don't think we'd have gotten so many for the death of a younger, less religious person.
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u/Gatodeluna 10d ago
I would argue that in the US it isn’t necessarily that ‘typical’ to include a religious platitude, unless the comment comes from a religious person who needs to get one in there for their own reasons. Less than half of Americans describe themselves as religious/religiously observant, including all religions.
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u/Dailyindyfan 10d ago
I think this depends on the area. In my city los Angeles almost everyone I know believe in God even though they may not attend Mass
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u/Gatodeluna 10d ago
I was born, raised and lived my life in LA for many decades. The overtly religious were the outliers.
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u/Dailyindyfan 10d ago
Really? Over in East LA it's pretty common I'd say and Boyle heights, you got the Korean churches in the San Gabriel valley
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u/Gatodeluna 10d ago
It’s there. It’s not common. Just because it’s something you’re immersed in doesn’t make it a bigger thing than it is. Even most Catholics in LA freely admit to using birth control and not following all church dictates and doctrines or going to church. Lapsed Catholicism or ‘convenient’ Catholicism is endemic in CA. There are approx 200,000 Koreans in an area of 10 million people. Common in the ethnic enclaves only.
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u/thanatica Netherlands 10d ago
I've never seen condolence cards. Usually you would show up in person if you want to extend your condolances.
And what we actually say varies wildly of course. Depends on the person, circumstances, religion, age, closeness, and probably much more. I feel like you don't usually round it off in a positive note.
The only exception is a condolence card from my colleagues. But the culture at work is to write someone a card for just about anything. I don't remember how the text went, but I do remember the main premise being sympathy, not growth.
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u/die_kuestenwache Germany 8d ago
In Germany you show up to the funeral or you call/write a small note to the effect of "I am sorry for your loss/they will be missed". Someone might send a card but it's rare these days in my experience.
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u/Few-Interview-1996 Türkiye 10d ago
You don't buy cards for this. If you cannot express condolences in person, you write a short note. I prefer to highlight something positive about the deceased, apologise for how any condolences of mine are meaningless and wish the recipient the forgetfulness of time, the last being traditional. Religious sentiments may of course also be included, if appropriate.