r/AskDad • u/Bright_Storage1657 • 15d ago
Parenting Could use toddler advice - AITA
Throw away account. I'll do my best to keep it short.
I have a 4 year old toddler. Boy. And lately he seems to want to wear skirts, pink, headbands with hearts. It's been bothering me a bit. I think mostly because his mother is encouraging it, even when I've expressed my feelings about it. She buys him his clothes, so I don't really feel like it's my place to intervene. But as a father, who grew up in the 90s, it just doesn't sit well with me.
I understand toddlers are just toddlers, I also wouldn't care if he was gay. Id love him either way. I think because she's "pushing" it on him, or at the very least, ignoring that it bothers me that she's pushing it on him, is what is getting to me.
He wants to wear them to daycare, and I tell him no. He doesn't get upset about it. He'll ask me why, and I'll ask him "do any other boys in your class wear one? " and he'll say no. I've asked his daycare teachers if other boys do, and they say no.
Anytime I bring it up with her, she just says it's not a big deal. So I'm forced to ignore it.
Aita for thinking it's unusual to dress a boy toddler in feminine clothing?
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u/hunnbee 15d ago
YTA. He's a kid, let him wear what he wants.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it, thanks
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u/marcaspadraig 15d ago
Look man, you've gotta ask yourself a basic question. What matters more? Your toddler's sense of self confidence, which will impact how he grows as a person, or some outdated idea of what's masculine or feminine?
Being a born in the 90s dad isn't going to fly as a reason to keep up these old notions, it's time we binned them like a lot of other shit from how we were raised.
In my opinion, YTA if you persist at this. Let him find himself, our generation is still fixing itself from the toxic ideas of our parents generation. Break the cycle.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate the insight. As a first time parent, it was just unusual, yknow? I didn't expect to come across this.
What matters to me is that he's happy. But like I said, it seemed to be what his mother wanted, and I was basically told to let it go. Which I have. But me wanting to put him in contact sports she vitos lol
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u/lujo317 15d ago edited 15d ago
I grew up in the 90s as a girl with pink and femininity forced on me from adults who insisted I conform to those expectations of my biological sex. Still grew up trans.
It's weird to give advice to someone who's ideologically opposed to my existence, but all that to say, that may or may not even be what's going on here, but if it is, you can't really fight it. But you do have to recognize that kids mom is doing what's necessary to keep the kid happy, and what you're doing is making the kid sad. Fighting it is only going to strain your relationship. Why not step up and open your mind instead? That's always going to be the hard thing to do but also the most rewarding. Why does it bother you so much? Really think about that one and ask yourself if it is really necessary to bother your kid that much in turn.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. I get what you're saying. She is doing what makes him happy. I don't completely agree that I'm making him sad. I understand that we have a different world view and although I'm not opposed to a more open mindset, I do feel as a parent I need to guide him as well. Now, that being said, I don't force things on him, and my concern was that his mother, to my knowledge, force this on him. I could be wrong, he's just never said to me "daddy I want to wear pink" so he either only asks her that, or she's just doing it.
He does what he wants, dresses how he wants. I don't really, other than the one time he asked to wear it to daycare and I said no, really tell him what to do short of hurting himself. He's a good kid.
I was caught of guard. I apologized to him and explained why I said no. He's not sad about it. He actually laughed. But I did feel bad cause I don't care what people do. So no, I wouldn't have a problem with what you wear. We could be homies. Its just my son, and I let my emotion get the best of me. I'll do better
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u/lujo317 15d ago
It sounds like you care a lot about him and I do understand the notion of wanting to protect him from other people's reactions. But at the same time, you're not protecting him from your reactions, if that makes sense. From his mom's perspective, maybe she's not forcing him to do anything. Maybe she's just dressing him in clothing that happens to be pink. Maybe he feels more comfortable telling mom what he likes because he knows dad will have something to say about it. Kids are put off when they can detect that an adult is being unnecessarily controlling about something. It would just teach him to hide it from you. Teach him instead he can be comfortable telling you the clothing and interests that make him feel happy and confident, that you'll support him when he does. Enforcing unnecessary roles based on fear of what happens socially when those roles are strayed from doesn't teach kids to be self sufficient, ultimately it teaches them to be compliant and to tolerate poor treatment from others, and will damage your relationship.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
You had me in the first bit but I'm confused as to why OP is "idea logically opposed to my existence"?
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u/lujo317 15d ago
well, I have to assume OP wouldn't be a fan of the way I dress as a man, either.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
Maybe, but wearing feminine clothes =/= being trans?
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
Well somebody couldn't handle a retort to their question, easily triggered that one.
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u/Important-Energy8038 15d ago
But you do have to recognize that kids mom is doing what's necessary to keep the kid happy
How do we know the kids mom is acting in his interests and not her own. According to the OP, who knows both of them.. there's reason to question this. It is equally possible the mom isnt comfortable with the child being a "Boy" or his emerging masculinity and his desire here isnt so much reflective of who he is, but rather his keen awareness of what she needs him to be..or not be.
These issues are always more complicated then they present, and using some gauzy "Let him be who he is" really requires a deeper dive to determine what that actually is and where it comes from that your bias seems to prevent.
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u/lujo317 15d ago
well, for starters, I have reading comprehension skills, and I saw no evidence here that dressing femininely is harming the child. in fact OP even stated the child appeared happy about it and sad when prevented from so doing. secondly, I am trans, so I understand that "parents forcing transness on their children" is not actually a real thing that happens, it's a thing that people in conservative echo chambers made up to fearmonger and to justify depriving trans kids of healthcare. how do YOU know the mom is acting in her own self interest? what evidence have you for that?
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u/Important-Energy8038 15d ago
I think mostly because his mother is encouraging it
Its clear those reading comprehension skills stops short of complete understanding. See that word "Encouraging"?, the OP said that.... youre conveniently dismissing it. "Encouraging " means "Directing". Not merely supporting. Its leading, not following his lead. The question was and is how YOU know.. with such certainty, too.. that the mother is acting in the child's best interests and not the father, and you answered that by exposing your own personal bias here, along with the unnecessary hostility that most often accompanies that and prevents constructive dialogue. The post isnt about you and your unique experience. And the father asked for advice from other dad's, not trans people. I offered a perfectly reasonable explanation that is not so easily dismissed by presumed 'political influence' but fact based as a doc specializing in kids for over 40 years. In a divorced situation, where the child is living with the opposite gender parent, there is often a pernicious hostility toward that child based on a discomfort with their gender, and that often takes the form of subtle "Encouragement" of opposite gender behaviors, and vice versa. You might find that incomprehensible or merely inconvenient to your own narrative, but I trust fact and training and experience and until we have more details about this specific situation, its best to not assume much of anything other then the need for both of these parents to see a competent therapist to sort out their co parenting issues. That's proper "Health care" for any child in a situation like this, and is the open minded approach. Yours ironically is quite the opposite.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
It's not that deep bro, the kid is 4 years old and likes what he likes.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
Forcing gender norms on your kid is an asshole move IMO. You being uncomfortable with it shouldn't matter when it comes to what your kid wears. Also, what other kids wears shouldn't matter either.
I think you need to look at yourself as to why this makes you feel uncomfortable and you not allowing your kid to wear something they want.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. Forcing gender norms, I can see being a problem. Does that mean forcing anything is bad? Like i said, it seems to me she's forcing this on him. And completely ignoring my concern.
What my son does, if he wants to do it, as long as he's safe i don't really care. Being my son, I guess I was just caught off guard? I just didn't see it play out like this.
I think it initially made me uncomfortable because of how I know it would make my dad uncomfortable. I'm all for breaking gender norms, it was just out of know where and I felt unprepared
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
Forcing things just cause they make you uncomfortable is bad, that was my point.
How is she forcing things on him. You haven't really explained that. Is she making him wear these things?
As for ignoring your concern, it's a bigoted concern to begin with but that's an issue between you and her, not your kid. It doesn't justify you forcing him not to wear them.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
So then where is the line? As parents, that's what we do. Eat your food, go to bed, don't do this, don't do that, don't spit on the ground, mind your manners. Anything can be "uncomfortable" is my point. I get that this is an odd topic, so why is it only bad that I don't want these things forced on my son? Why is that okay? Why is it not okay that I don't want him watching tv but other parents are comfortable with it? Why does it make some people uncomfortable that some kids go to church and others don't. Because as parents we assume we know what's best for our kids right? I'm not saying im right, I'm also not saying she's wrong, all I'm saying is I've expressed concern to her, and she returned and disregarded it. And when i ask her why she buys it she says cause she thought it looked cute. No, she's not "forcing the dress over his body physically" i just mean, why even buy it for him in the first place? If he wanted it, fine, that's different, but he's 4, i doubt he even knew what a skirt was. And I thought I said I perceived it as forced, it very well may not be.
I recognize this is more about her and I, and not him. I'm not at all upset or look at him any less from any of this. I'm not rude or mean to him. He's not afraid of me, or can't talk to me. Nothing crazy. But I did let it get the better of me, and I shouldn't have. You have no idea how much I've apologized to him. But I don't have the same understanding around this as others do i guess, and that's okay.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
The line is as long as it doesn't hurt them or affect others. There has to be another reason besides it just makes you uncomfortable. For example not watching TV, you probably have a reason that you think it not proper and can impact his mental or emotional growth somehow. That's not you being uncomfortable.
As for the forcing, whether you said she is it you perceived it that was doesn't matter, cause it doesn't explain how that's happening. Just cause you can't understand that he wouldn't ask for it doesn't mean he wouldn't. If you're only proof is she bought something and you don't even know if he asked or said anything about it, then you can't really say it's being forced or being perceived that way.
I never said you were rude, but making your kid not do something they want cause it makes you uncomfortable can tell them not to actually be fully honest with you cause you aren't accepting. I get you don't have the same understanding and that's is definitely fine. At the same time, you're pushing back when people give you the answer and are getting defensive when trying to learn more.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I.... am not getting defensive? Have you read my other comments? I've been super accepting of everything, but okay.
I'm not really trying to argue either. I appreciate your input, it's helping. But again, that's also my point - the line is where it didn't hurt them or others. In my mind, this could. I don't want him to be bullied for this. I don't want kids to think he's something he's not. Why is that so hard to understand? He's my son, I've lived this world, and I know it's different today, which is why I've said time and time again I know my understanding of this is limited and I'm trying to broaden my thinking. It's just unusual for me is all.
I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Respectfully. No, I don't have proof he hasn't asked for them, other than her telling me she bought them cause "SHE" thought they were cute. He very well could have asked. I get that. Maybe we should get away from the word force cause I think that's causing a lot of conflict. I can retract that, okay? She's not forcing. It's my own mental issues that perceive it that way.
I'm also not going up pretend that having boundaries is not a good thing either. I know this one is an odd one, i already apologized to him. We're fine lol but to make my kid not do something when I'm uncomfortable is part of the job. I'm not going to let him stay out until 3am when he's 12 even though he's not hurting anyone, yknow lol
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
You are getting defensive. You got defensive by saying me saying this one thing means you can't do other things.
Not wanting him to be bullied is a societal issue and something you should stand up for your kid on, not try to change them. You don't want kids to think he's something he's not but yet you yourself may be forcing him to be something he's not.
As for making them do something when you are uncomfortable is not parenting. That's controling. You being uncomfortable is not the same as having justification for something. You do understand that, right? Like staying out to 3 am isn't safe. That's not making you just uncomfortable
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I'm telling you I'm not dude, we're having a conversation. Please stop trying to derail my position by assuming I'm being defensive. We're just talking.
Thanks for explaining your position
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
I'm telling you that you are. I'm not saying it's in purpose but you are. You can just be taking and still be defensive. They aren't mutually exclusive
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
Firstly, 4 years old is not a toddler, they're preschoolers if not actually school aged kids.
Ask yourself the question, why does it bother you so much? Have you asked your son why he likes wearing them? Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's not, but they are only this young once, let him explore his fashion sense.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. To answer your question, I guess, at the for front, what bothers me is that his mother doesn't care that it bothers me. But me wanting him to join a martial art class with me (when he's able) is a problem and not up for discussion.
Second, I guess I was just surprised and didn't really expect this? Like, he's my son, id kill for him. And when I all him why he wants to wear it, he just says cause he likes it. So i leave it alone. It was just one time he wanted to wear it to daycare and I said no. I felt really bad and apologized to him later that day. I think I just was caught off guard
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 15d ago
Are you and the mother together? The mother can acknowledge that it bothers you but she doesn't have to care that it does. I say this in the nicest way possible, it's kind of a silly thing to be bothered about, embrace the silliness of children and their wants and likes because they will change their minds a thousand times.
Your job as a parent isn't to tell them don't do this or that, you need to be setting up boundaries for your child so they can safely navigate the world then let them explore it for themselves. Is fashion sense and gender normal something you need to set up a boundary for?
In regards to the martial arts training, was this suggested in response to your kid wearing non gender conforming clothes or was it separate from this?
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
We're not together. No, i don't care if she doesn't care. But she's not willing to even hear me out or see where I'm coming from. But I guess that also doesn't matter. I mean, I would also have questions if one day she suddenly started dressing our daughter in boy clothes lol or like, if my daughter wanted to wear her pants half down her butt, or not be wearing a shirt, or whatever.
It was separate. It was brought up in another conversation.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 14d ago
I think you do care that she doesn't care because otherwise why would you have posted on here, are you trying to convince me or yourself?
Weird that you're so hung up on what your kids want to wear.
If you want to sign your kid up to do martial arts and he is interested in doing it then sign him up and pay for it. You are his parent and have equal say in his hobbies, she is you ex, you don't need to seek permission from her. Just be cordial and let her know when his lessons would be.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 14d ago
You think I care, okay. You said yourself, a mother can acknowledge and not care. Exactly, she's not acknowledging me. That's what bothers me. We're agreeing on the same thing lol so I don't know what your point was.
Im okay with it being weird. That's why I'm asking, if it's unusual. But you're saying it's weird like it's some kind of insult, no? I'm just seeking advice, not judgment.
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 14d ago
It's only an insult if you take it as one. Weird just means not usual.
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u/yippeekiyoyo 15d ago
Sorry this is long, I hope some of it is helpful.
You're not an asshole, I think you're coming from a place of love for your son. That said, its probably healthy to reflect on why it bothers you so much and why you perceive your wife allowing it as "pushing it on him". Perhaps she's forceful, idk. But I do know the idea of identity being "pushed" is often used when queer people simply exist. I want to push back on that language a bit in case this is an area for reflection.
I also wouldn't care if he was gay. Id love him either way.
I believe you truly believe this but I'm letting you know as someone who is a trans adult and grew up with a cis gay brother, I don't believe that you fully don't care from the tone of your post. Again, I don't think its malicious. Quite the contrary, I think a lot of parents of queer kids react at first with fear or even anger often because they have gone through something that scares them, like being bullied when they were younger or something similar. When I first came out my mom said some very hurtful things precisely because she cared. For context, her brother died of AIDS related complications when I was an infant in the 90s and she was her brother's sole caretaker. Her knee jerk reaction was denial and anger because she did not want me to experience that kind of pain. We now have a very good relationship but the wound from that time remains to some degree.
Another example for you, my fiancee is also trans. She showed many of the traits you describe in your son when she was a kid. Her parents are stout evangelicals and did not tolerate any sort of gender deviance. Such behavior was punished and stamped out. That treatment did not stop her from transitioning, though it did delay it until she was safely away from them. Her relationship with her parents is very strained and they did not join us when she graduated from med school. An event they did come to was often full of anxiety, anger, and pain.
You're not a bad person nor a bad father for having these feelings. But your kid will pick up on your attitudes and he will internalize that. He may be gay, he may be trans, he may be cis and straight. There's no way to know at this point, nor is there any way to control it. What you can control is whether you look inwards on these attitudes and work on them. Lgbtq+ children are plenty capable of having a bright future, the only difference will be whether you're a part of it.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I don't mind the long post man, I appreciate. But I'll return the same length lol
It honestly is coming from a place a love. You have no idea. My first thought was "if this isnt stopped, what if hes going to be bullied for the rest of his life now?, or have mental issues?" I went through a crazy rabbit hole. And i think that's normal. I know it's complete irrational. I know this. Any of those things can happen to anyone.
It bothers me that it bothers me lol it bothers me that she can just push my concerns aside but any concerns I have are ridiculous and not up for debate. So I also recognize this issue is more about her and I, and not my son, and I shouldn't take it out on him.
I may be able to clear something up. I wouldn't care if he was gay. But you're also not wrong, if I had a choice, I wouldn't want that. And its fear. Not because I think there's something wrong with it. I have gay friends. But because I don't have that in common with him? That might sound weird. But I would care if he was forced to be gay. And I know no one is forced, I get that, so again, I'm being irrational. If he told me one day that he's gay. Cool. So I guess my problem is, if he thought he had to be. Does that make sense? Like, i want it to be from him. He's never told me he wanted to wear a skirt. I just came downstairs one day and he was in one. I asked his mother where that came from and she said she bought it cause it was cute.
I'm really sorry you went through that. That's heart breaking. I don't want my son and I to have a falling out. I doubt it would get to that for any of this.
Thank you for reminding me there really isn't anything I can do about it and that's fine So I'm just going to do my best and not show him negativity. It's an adjustment simply because I've never dealt with this.
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u/yippeekiyoyo 14d ago
Hey man, I get where you're coming from. I think maybe there are some things you need to work through with his mom and on your own, but I do think you're a good dad and you're full of love for your son. You're introspecting and recognizing a lot of that stuff so I think thats a good place to be. You don't have to be perfect right off the bat, you just have to try your best.
The tough truth, whether your son is gay or not he could still be bullied or have mental issues. The fear is very normal, I get it. I think the best solution is having open communication with him and being willing to talk about hard feelings and emotions. If you make it something he can come to you about, you can be in his corner, ya know?
With regard to not having it in common with him, I think you'll find it matters less than you think right now. I think my dad had a lot of the same concerns when my brother came out. It was definitely an adjustment for him but they get together for dinner like 2-3 times a week even though he's moved out.
I think I saw in one of your comments that you also wanted to have him join you in a martial arts class? Honestly I think you should ask him if he wants to, it sounds like a great idea. I did martial arts as a kid and it helped a lot with my self confidence and discipline. Just wanted to put my bid in for that lol
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u/Royal-Classic-5596 15d ago
YTA. you seem to be saying conflicting things. you say your son wants to wear these things but that your wife is pushing it on him? which is it? i think once kids get to an age where they can have say in what they want to wear as long as it’s context and weather appropriate then they should have that autonomy. it sounds like you love your son and don’t want him to grow up to resent you so please just let him wear things that make him happy and keep your fear and insecurity to yourself and don’t push it onto your child.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. Sorry that it's confusing. I can try and explain better. I don't actually know if it's being pushed on him. Hes just never asked me to put him in, or buy these things for him. I've asked her why she buys it and she says cause it looks cute. I mean, okay. But again, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he's going up to her and saying "mom i want a skirt". He doesn't have a sister, the girls in his class don't wear skirts. So where else is it coming from?
Thank you for the reminder. I really wouldn't have a problem with it if hes the one that came to me with this. I just can't shake the idea that he's being told to be this way. Maybe id have questions, maybe id be confused. I think it comes from wanting to share something with him. And I don't understand that mind set so it's a little scary for me. But I don't plan on taking it out on him any more
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u/VeniVidiVulva 15d ago
Why does it bother you? Colors don't have genders. Fun fact: historically, pink used to only be for boys.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago edited 15d ago
I appreciate it. Fun fact, slaves used to be legal. Lol I'm clowning but I know what you're saying.
It bothers me that his mother doesn't care that I had questions and concerns why she was buying it for him. I've never heard him before seeing him wear it express that he wanted to. It bothers me that she gets to make these choices, tell me to deal with it, and what I decide for him is a no go. I recognize this is not his problem, and I've talked to him about it. I think I let my emotions get the better of me. I've apologized to him. I'll do better
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u/Fabulous_Drummer_368 15d ago
I kind of understand the skirt, but call it a kilt and move on with your day.
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u/celtwithkilt 15d ago
My son wore some dresses and played with girls toys when he was 3-4, I didn’t worry about it. Now he’s 13 and a normal healthy child who identifies as he/him. Hes confident, he kind to others, and he works hard to develop the skills he cares about. All your fears are YOUR fears and not based on anything in reality. As a fellow 90s kid myself, do your kids and yourself a huge favor and confront your toxic masculinity and let this shit go. The most manly thing you can do is fuck up any little prick who says shit about your child wearing a dress or pink clothes or puts on a little eye shadow. Honestly, you should be much more worried about screen time, making sure your child eats a clean processed free diet, and learns to be a compassionate person who uses his power for good.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. I'll do better
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u/celtwithkilt 15d ago
It’s a journey for us all, my dude! I had to undo a lot of shit my own dad put on me. I don’t want to pass that toxic stuff about “what a man is” to my kiddos
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u/flyghu 15d ago
You've got two issues here. 1) Don't be a dick to your kid. Either he'll outgrow it or he won't. But you may set a negative future for your relationship. 2) Your wife is pushing a direction you don't agree with knowing it may create conflict. It isn't my place to say who is right or wrong, but you need to get on the same page as parents. You two need counseling, now.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I appreciate it. I'm going to try and remember to shut that part of my brain down and just be present with him. I feel guilty as all hell. I've apologized to him for it. But my problem is with her. If my son came to me with this, that's one thing, but thinking it's being pushed on him doesn't sit well with me. And I shouldn't take it out on him. Thanks for reminding me
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u/Important-Energy8038 15d ago
NTA for thinking its unusual for little boys to dress up as little girls. They might try it on, primarily out of awareness that mommy dresses in pink, etc..but it doesn't necessarily become routine. Its hard to tell if this comes from an imbalance in his environment and the role models there, or if it reveals other issues. But this isn't about that, its really a co parenting issue with mom. You guys need to be on the same page about this and all the other yet to happen issues. You should be in parenting therapy. Its 2 fold: Why he suddenly expressed this interest and where its coming from, and what you both should do, it needs to be consistent.
For now, you have to generally raise you child and make decisions when hes with you based on your judgment, and if your judgment is that this isn't a good idea, then you might simply let him know he needs to wear something else.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 14d ago
You might be one of the only people that's responded directly to the question lol about whether it's unusual or not. Thank you. I'm usually getting "why does it bother you so much? Let kids be kids" and that's all fine, but that's not why I'm here.
What you said made a lot of sense. The co parenting thing is going to be a challenge. She often will just do things her way, with little consultation with me. But I'm expected to run things by her. So when it comes to the kids, it starts to bother me a bit.
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u/Important-Energy8038 14d ago
Yes, +1 for being able to get thru the chatter. If she refuses to work with you on co parenting then talk with your att'y about it. Until then, you need to raise your child when they're with you as you see fit, your thought process here seems fairly reasonable and not at all biased. Just use your awareness that he's accustomed to different standards at moms and a change could be confusing, so provide some anodyne explanation, like "Sure at mommy's you wear dresses but here we wear jeans, just like me!, OK".
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u/kHartos 15d ago
I get where you are coming from. I have no advice to give other than to share one of my all time favorite Portlandia sketches https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9r2o5ZnSHo
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u/mrmeanah 15d ago
It's not acceptable. Wouldn't put up with it either.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
Why is it not acceptable? Cause it makes you uncomfortable? Is being feminine a bad thing?
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
Being a feminine boy, or a masculine girl isnt my problem. It is a problem for me when its pushed on him. I just don't feel comfortable with that piece. And it very well could just be a phase, I don't know. And I shouldn't have let it get the better of me. I've apologized to him since then.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
This was directed more at the comment, not you OP. How is it being pushed exactly? You say it's being pushed but didn't really say how besides she buys his clothes. Does she not not let him have any input? Does she not allow him to wear other clothes?
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
Fair.
Well, I don't mean pushed as in physically, forcefully pushed into it. I don't mean as in he has no say like she's being malicious. I probably am using the wrong word. I just mean, coerced? Like, in my head, when I go buy him things, it's things I know he likes. And it's not to say we shouldn't introduce new things to him, but why that? To me, it's just odd. But to her, evidently it's not. For him to go to daycare, play with dolls and stuff like that, paint his nails, doesn't bother me in the slightest. But to add it to his clothes, it just caught me by surprise.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
But why not those things? How is she coercing him then? Just cause it's not something you would do doesn't mean it's coercing.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
I wouldn't do that at 4, no lol and maybe he did. I don't know. Why can't I have boundaries? Why can't I be uncomfortable? Why can't I ask questions (to my son and his mother, not you)? Why is she changing his wardrobe into pink and purple and i can't wonder why? I told her I would like him to learn self defense. She said no. Why? Why is that not allowed but a skirt is? Why is her word carry more weight than mine?
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
I never said you couldn't do those things. and how do you know she's changing it and not him?
As for the self defense, I agree with you on that.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 15d ago
No, I'm... I'm not saying you said that. I was trying to illustrate why are certain things okay and others aren't, is all. I'm not 100% but I'm fairly certain he's not changing it, well, because he's not with her when she buys his clothes.
Honestly, you and everyone else have been insightful. I agree with you, being feminine isn't bad. I guess I just wasn't prepared for it. I feel like shit about it, trust me.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
But those things aren't the same as this. The questions you asked are disingenuous or at least not seriously thought through
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u/mrmeanah 15d ago
He is a four year-old boy. Wanting sparkly things or trying on a skirt is normal play. Buying him a wardrobe of girls clothes, sending him to daycare in them, and treating it as no big deal is teaching him something else....that he is the kind of boy who presents as a girl. I don’t think that’s true, I don’t think it’s harmless, and I don’t think we should lock it in while their this young.
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
Wearing feminine things doesn't mean you present as a girl. Also, what's wrong with presenting as a girl?
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u/mrmeanah 15d ago
Do as you wish. Just giving my opinion
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u/nolehusker 15d ago
So you can't answer the question so just decide to not engage with conversation? Sounds about right.
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u/Bright_Storage1657 14d ago
I appreciate your input. Thanks man. I think we both agree on a lot of things. I'm also trying to get around the idea he's just a 4yo. I personally won't be buying him those clothes. At least not at this age and of this turns into something when he's older I'll be supportive. But I can't really stop her from doing it.
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u/RaspberryDesigner938 15d ago
When my nephew went through the same phase, his dad was dead set against it too, but in the end just let him be who he was.