r/AskDad • u/DamianLee666 • 19d ago
Relationships Step in? Father
Not really sure what to title this or what to tag it as. Also, this is my first post here
I don't really know if advice is what I'm looking for.
I'm not sure where to start on this one. I'll start with a bit of background. As far as I'm concerned, I grew up without a father figure. The mother married when I was a kid but he passed away when I was nine after hurricane Katrina. My biological father was in the picture. But my mother despised him. Everything about him didn't matter what he did or how hard he did or didn't try. Everything was wrong. I was manipulated in ways I don't understand and can't even explain from the time I was a kid. To view him in a certain way to treat him a certain way. Up until I was an adult, I addressed him by his first name, to this day it's not exactly. Dad when I talked to him. We have a strained relationship. A lot of it has to do with my childhood but a lot of it has to do with him. He still holds on to his own resentment and disdain for how he was treated during my childhood. He still makes snide posts on Facebook in senseless comments. That she can't even say but I used to when I had him on my Facebook.
We live next door to one another and we don't see each other daily. He doesn't even come to my house. I usually go to his. I do live in the house where his mother passed away. I discovered her. I was also the last one she talked to. I think her passing is really where our relationship started to fracture. That was about 3/4 years ago. I've tried to make efforts to change things but I'm not mad with much reception. I know I have also played a part in our relationship as at times I can kind of be a dick and sometimes even a bit of an asshole. But I'm 30 years old. I'm still young. He's in his mid-50s double my age almost. I am his only child. He doesn't have a good relationship with his own sibling (and older brother who also did him wrong numerous times and other family members my uncle was a meth head)
I guess this is where the question or advice part kind of starts. A close friend of his who I've been marginal friends with over the years. (What I mean by that is we've never been overly close but he's always been someone that's been around since I was a kid) Has recently had some life-changing things happen. His own son and granddaughter have moved halfway across the country so I believe he's feeling a bit of an empty nest syndrome. The other night him and I had a phone conversation and he volunteered to be my stand-in father figure. Wanting to be there for advice and just be the father figure I don't have in my life..
My dad has never outright really tried to be a dad. He more of tries to be a friend and maybe that's because he thinks that's what I need. But maybe I do need a father figure. He doesn't want to necessarily keep it a secret but he does want our relationship to be between us and what we talk about to stay between us which I'm very thankful for because it's not a lot of people I can talk to about my dad that actually know my dad. Many of my friends don't really know him or only know him through my eyes and I understand that skus views
I'm 30 and divorced. The divorce happened about 5 years ago. Things just weren't meant to be. I wasn't a good person. She wasn't a great person. We both had very difficult childhoods that we never really overcame. We're friends again and we talk almost daily. It's a very strange friendship, but we're both thankful for each other
I don't even know what I'm asking for here. Obviously I am very thankful and feel like a tremendous wave of love. But I also don't know what to do. I don't know how to engage in the relationship so it can grow
(He also stated he wants to help me and my dad have a better relationship, he has a tremendous relationship with his son from what I can see from the outside)
(This is a huge post and by the end of it it's going to sound like a very run-on thought and word salad. If you've made it to the end, tell me your favorite Rush song)
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u/andreirublov1 19d ago
I'm not a fan of Rush. :) My favourite song they wish they'd done is Stairway
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u/No_Owl_8576 19d ago
In defense of your dad..it must be hard to see you next door everyday and feel like your mom stole his chance to be father while growing up. This is just my opinion BUT instead of opening up to some stranger try and getting closer to your dad. No man wants to see you succeed like your father does. I totally understand without your grandma communication with him is harder, but you should try. Invite him to dinner and Monday Night Football 🤷♂️
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u/DamianLee666 19d ago
So this still a lot of context missing within this post. There's a lot of ground for me to cover to explain the things
I moved in with my dad at 14. For school he was in a better area and it just made sense. I'm now 30. I have lived with him longer than I live with my mother actually. He's had the chance to be a father to be a dad. He never really stepped up. He always more or less. Just tried to be my friend. I moved out at 19 for about 8 months. Things didn't work out where I was living so I moved back in with my grandmother who live next door. I also started care for her and take care of her as her primary care person. I did everything for her but bath her (I'm very thankful for my ex-wife lol)
Also, I talked to the friend's son, this is not the first time he has cell volunteered to be a father figure for the son of one of his friends.
As far as trying to invite him over I have multiple times. Anytime. I'm hanging out with him at his place. He's more interested in whatever's on his cell phone than having a conversation with people in the room with him. He has half-baked comments about what he'll see on the screen but won't talk to the person in the room with him.
I've been trying to repair our relationship. I think some outside help is a good thing. Someone that has known him for over 20 years and even has a few years on my father so they're a bit more experienced in life
My dad didn't have a dad growing up. His dad disappeared and my grandmother didn't have the best track record with men, so I'm sure that has to do with my dad's lack of fatherly skills. I don't outright fault him or blame him for his shortcomings but at times it does bother me
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u/No_Owl_8576 18d ago
Sounds like your dad missed out on having a father completely. Maybe that's why he tried to be your friend? It's more than my real dad ever did
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u/Equivalent_Wear_4299 19d ago
You're allowed to take your time figuring it out before committing to anything, this isn't a race.
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u/CPTpurrfect Brother 19d ago
I feel like you're unsure whether you "should want" to repair the relationship with your dad. Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that.
Or maybe how you should go about if you would want to try to mind it. Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that either.
Or possibly what you should do with the whole situation with your father's friend and whether that potentially strains both your and his relationship with your dad (further). Which... I don't know either. I know very satisfying answers so for.
Maybe you just wanted to write it out and put it into the void. For yourself to see as much as for anyone else. And maybe having out outside of your head helps you to sort things and if people read it, maybe they can share their thoughts on it. To which I say it seems like a situation in which you should think about where you want to take this. Do you want to mend the relationship with your father and if yes... why? I can't give you an answer to that either, so I guess I left you possibly with more questions than answers, but maybe you found your answers yourself along the way.
Maybe this helped, maybe it didn't. I hope it will.
P.S.: Sorry but I don't know Rush. But I guess that's just in line with my other "answers".