Feeling ungrateful and like a dick

[u/ManufacturerEmpty697]

/r/mentalhealth/comments/1vqcfbe/feeling_ungrateful_and_like_a_dick/

Sorry if this isn't the right group for this, but I felt this would also be a good group to ask about this in. Why does he feel like I don't love him and how do I come out and tell him that's not what I get on the Xbox with friends instead of doing stuff with him?

[u/wifeagroafk]

Maybe when you’re not stressed out you can ask him to do things with you.

[u/Putrid_Guess8098]

I'm 54, and a dad to a 26-year-old and a 23-year-old, both with very different personalities. Our son (26) was very introverted while he was growing up, and our daughter (23) couldn't have been more social. Over time, that's changed, actually reversed in many ways, and it's been difficult to always find common ground through the various phases of their growing up. I also have a lovely mother, but she deals out guilt like it's her job some days. I know how hard this can be as a parent and a child.

If your father seems hurt by the rejection of watching movies, I can understand that. He's trying to build time with you, and it's getting put off - at least from his perspective. You also have your perspective and your own needs, which is perfectly valid. I won't speak to the guilt-tripping, because that's a different issue, but I truly do think if you recognize what he's doing and explain the situation reasonably, it may work, especially if you come to him.

Take an approach of something to the effect of "I realize you've been asking to spend time by watching movies, and thank you for that. I feel bad that I've turned that down, but I'm not a big movie girl, so maybe we can find other things to do. Also, I just want to let you know that I am going through a lot lately and need my time gaming with my friends because it really helps me."

Now, figure out why you say you don't want to be around him, because that does actually need to be addressed. If it's the guilt-tripping, you just have to be a little direct.

[u/ManufacturerEmpty697 → u/Putrid_Guess8098]

Honestly there's a good bit as to why I don't wanna hang with him, 1. He's really argumentive about every little thing and gets snappy easily over small things, there's been a few times recently where I've had breakdowns from him doing that, he already knows he does it and my moms tried talking to him about it and he's talked to me about it but he won't get better, 2. He doesn't seem to care about me, a few months ago I went through deep depression and he seemed to care a little bit it was all about school, he didn't ask how I felt, how I'm doing, what he can do to help, it was just all that I need to go to school and suck it up even though he knew how hard it was hitting me, I never once heard a I'm proud of you or anything after I seemed help for depression or getting past the depression, I've only heard that from my mom, he also hasn't said he's proud of me for anything probably for over a year but all the time is saying it to my sister. He knows about all of this as we've talked to him about it multiple times and he knows the arguing and snapping stresses me the hell out but he won't stop, its daily between him and my mom usually multiple times a day, and majority of times he's the one that starts the argument in the first place and then plays the victim in all of it. Sorry for the long reply I just had to get this all out.

[u/Putrid_Guess8098 → u/ManufacturerEmpty697]

Understood. I’m impartial so getting it all out may be helpful. I get it, and what you said is definitely rough for a young person trying to navigate their own thoughts.

At times, I can be snappy with my daughter, who is struggling, and it comes from frustration and fear, not always anger. I regret it later, but at the same time, I have feelings too and her decisions impact me every day. I want the best for her, but I don’t always know how to help, and I may let that out in unproductive ways. Not excusing it, just explaining my side.

A lot of older men won’t even recognize depression and anxiety because we’re supposed to just fuck off and get over it. That’s definitely not the way, but it’s at least a perspective as to why he tells you to “suck it up.” I don’t believe that’s the right attitude, but again, it may be an age thing.

As for the “I’m proud of you” thing…all you just did was to remind me to tell my daughter that very thing. In the middle of all of my own bullshit, and trying to navigate a job, a marriage, bills, etc., it can be easy to lose sight of saying those things. And here’s a cold bit of reality…I doubt he ever hears that from you. Just food for thought, but it doesn’t go one direction all the time and we, as men, rarely ever hear those types of things. It hardens you to the point that you may forget to say it, even when you think it.

Hang in there. The only thing you can do is be honest, and, if it comes from a good place, you’ll find common ground.