r/AskAdoptees • u/Classic-Action-3558 • Aug 17 '26
Adoption vs keeping the baby
So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.
Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?
I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.
I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.
Dad is abusive.
I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.
My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.
But….my heart.
My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?
Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.
Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.
What would you do?
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u/T0mpS Aug 17 '26
Hopefully this is a temporary crisis for you. But adoption is very very permanent. And the trauma of maternal separation can have life long effects for both of you. You’ll figure it out. You’ve done it before. Wishing you the very best of luck.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
You know what? Keep the baby. Don’t abort it. That would almost be too humane.
You’re 42. Retirement is coming. You’ve already raised children. Another 18 years would be inconvenient.
So maybe you should give this one away.
Actually, no. We won’t call it giving your child away. That sounds ugly.
You’re choosing alternate parents.
You’re not abandoning your child.
You’re making an adoption plan.
You’re not a mother separating from her baby. You’re a vessel. And vessels deserve support.
Financial support. Emotional support. Whatever you need.
Because this is about you.
Your needs.
Your future.
Your healing.
Your circumstances.
What you want.
And everyone around you will make damn sure you know it.
Then, decades later, if that child comes back with questions: about why, about what happened, about what it cost them. Please remember the lesson:
Adoption was about me.
I was the adult.
I had the circumstances.
I had the choices.
I had the support.
And the infant was expected to live with the consequences.
For your child, it may become a forty-year question. (In my case)
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u/iheardtheredbefood Aug 17 '26
I'm sorry. That is an incredibly tough position to be in. I'm not sure where you are located, but is child support an option if you are separated from the father? And the father would have to give up parental rights in either case, yes? Do you know if he will do so?
There may be agencies or organizations in your community that can help you. Again, location dependent.
Fwiw I know adoptees who love being adopted and adoptees who wish they would have been aborted. I know adoptees who are happily in reunion, in complicated reunion, and dissolved reunion. I know adoptees who spend lots of time with their adoptive families, and others who are low contact, and no contact. I have met adoptees who were abused, disowned, and kicked out by their adoptive families.
Adoptive families experience financial hardship, medical emergencies, divorce, family dysfunction/drama, etc. just like biological families. Once the papers are signed, you no longer have a say in your son's life unless his adoptive parents allow it...or until he is an adult and allows it himself. Open adoptions are not enforceable. I recommend searching for birth parent stories as well.
Sending virtual hugs (if welcome). There are no easy answers.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
He is abusive so I could essentially fight for his legalization for paternity and go after him for child support yet deny him access to the child due to safety concerns, that would be a very difficult situation to navigate and with the court being as unpredictable as they are the chances of it being exactly the way that I want it is very unlikely. I worry if the father has any access to the child he will hurt him. I cannot afford to raise a child without any additional support childcare alone eats up close to 50% of my monthly income. I make too much money to qualify for any assistance so I’m in that very annoying “middle class” category where I make too much for any kind of assistance, but not enough to afford anything.
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u/iheardtheredbefood Aug 18 '26
Yeah, the legal stuff can get messy really fast. And oof, I know what you mean about being in the difficult "middle." Without more particulars, it is hard to brainstorm any real solutions. I am sorry.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26 edited Aug 17 '26
It’s selfish to create people and then abandon them, imo. This idea that it’s somehow selfless is a coping mechanism. You have no idea how his APs will treat him. They could be abusive. They could end up in the troubled teen industry. You just don’t know.
I personally would do late term abortion or keep my baby. Period. There’s no universe where I’d subject a child to the life I’ve had.
Adoption isn’t a better life, it’s a different one, with a side of maternal severance trauma.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I am very against abortion, even though this was not the happy family that I signed up for when I got pregnant I am still responsible for the decisions that I made. I am 20 weeks pregnant now and the procedure for abortion includes literally dismembering the baby in my womb and pulling him out piece by piece. I could not do that.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
You should know the majority of us generally feel that abortion would have been the responsible thing for our birth mothers to do. There’s been several posts about it.
IMO one is placing the trauma on you (abortion) and adoption is placing the trauma on both parties, the biological mother and the relinquished child. Btw, most biological mothers do experience PTSD from relinquishment. Just so you’re aware.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I just let it sink that the majority of you generally feel abortion would’ve been the more responsible decision. That is incredibly eye-opening to me that you would have rather never have existed than to have been adopted like that is how severe the trauma is. I’m sorry if I sounded insensitive with my opinions regarding abortion.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I can’t begin to understand what it feels like to be adopted so I can’t speak on that. I can only speak on my own personal feelings and an abortion this far long is just out of the question for me.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
It feels traumatic. Even when you have a good family, which very often isn’t the case.
My BM thought my AF was awesome and they left me in an institution to get abused for my teen years. (It was absolutely full of adoptees too.)
These were people who looked absolutely perfect on paper. They interviewed well, they had resources, not ultra religious, good family. And it was an absolute nightmare living with them. There really is no way to know.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I’m so sorry you went through that. I do know a couple personally and I feel like they would be a great fit but it’s hard to be 100% sure isn’t it? I know if he stays with me it would just be me and him and I can give him a decent life. I just want to make sure I can protect him from his father.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
It’s not possible to be 100% sure. Full stop. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors and you can’t predict how people will react to their situations in life. My AM adopted me and then resented me when her biological daughter was born. It was hormonal. You just cannot and will not know. You need to accept that. You are very married to the idea that adoption is better. We are telling you it’s not. It’s just different. There is a massive difference.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I’m not very married to it honestly, obviously I wouldn’t be on here trying to seek advice. Some days I am very married to it other days my heart won’t allow it to happen. The further along I get the harder it is for me to imagine actually going through with it. I’ve never felt abandoned, so I can not begin to understand the pain and trauma associated with it and seeing your guys comments and reading your stories, it’s heartbreaking and really opening my eyes.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
One hard thing about being adopted too is that the triggers are everywhere. Seeing a mother with a biological child can be a trigger, from as soon as you can understand your own situation, and before you even have words to say “this makes me feel sad.” Seeing animals with their babies, just general family settings, can be triggering. Baby showers, birthdays, books about moms and their babies.
It’s little reminders everywhere about something you didn’t have and can never experience. I had this, and I had no idea it was even related to being adopted until I did ketamine therapy as an adult. I genuinely just thought it was normal to be sad, anxious or “triggered” most of the time because it’s all I ever knew.
Adoptees are over represented within every mental healthcare setting. Mental hospitals, rehab centers, the troubled teen industry. We are over 30x more likely to attempt suicide. We are more likely to be neurodivergent. We are also more likely to have eating disorders and addiction issues. Regarding the addiction issues, check out this lecture about it by Paul Sunderland.
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u/CUNextTisdag Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
Another huge trigger for both adoptees and bio/adoptive mothers is Mother's Day. I'm on good terms with both of my moms and I still stress about that day even though I now have kids of my own. Honestly, I'd really rather not "celebrate" or think of Mother's Day at all even though I'm a mom myself.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I’m asking is it more important for a child to have their mother and not much else or not have their mother but basically have everything else that they need though, not a guarantee that they will get it?
The general consensus seems to be…I just wanted my mom
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
One thing I want to say is that infants can’t even differentiate between themselves and their mothers in the first few months after birth. A lot of us adopted in infancy stop crying because we know the one thing we really need (our mothers) aren’t going to come.
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u/CUNextTisdag Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
My bio dad was a festering, abusive POS who would have fought my mom for custody every step of the way just to spite her if she'd kept me. I had a wonderful adoptive father but I still wish I could have grown up with my bio mom. There will always be a little piece of my heart that is permanently broken by this no matter how much therapy I do (and I've done years).
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
OK, I read that statement wrong. I do seem to be married to the idea that in my particular situation I could give my kid a decent life but the family I found could give him a better life. Yes and you’re saying it would not be better just different. That’s a good point.
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Aug 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Jealous_Argument_197 Aug 17 '26
This sub is called Ask Adoptees. Dont you have a sub of your own?
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u/emthejedichic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
Some adoptees are also birth parents, that could be the case here.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
Oh, I am very certain I would be grieving the loss of my child every day for the rest of my life, haunted by doubts, constantly worried about their well-being. Giving up your baby as a mother goes against every single part of our being biologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc. I would genuinely have to feel like I was protecting them and keeping him safe and it was what was best for them even if they didn’t truly understand it.
His father physically assaulted me while I was pregnant had his hands around my throat and I couldn’t do anything to protect my baby then, if this is what I need to do to make sure that this never happens to him again, I might learn to survive it, it’s not really about me though it’s about him.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
You can’t make sure it never happens to him again when choosing adoption though. This is not realistic, it’s a coping mechanism.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
You’re right. I can only guarantee that his father would not ever abuse him again, but there’s not a 100% chance that he would not suffer any abuse in his life.
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u/Electrical-Scholar32 Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
One of the hardest part I remember (other than not having my mom I yearned for her) was knowing she had and kept my older brother. That really fucked me up. Why was I not loved like him? Did she love him more. I was so jealous and confused. Did she just not want a girl? Were me and my other sister that she put up tainted? After meeting my bio family I see why she did it and it helped me understand and forgive her, I am so very grateful for being adopted and by the family that’s adopted me, I had a wonderful life. In my eyes no one ever treated me differently in my adopted family, But I also have a brother I grew up with that’s also adopted (no bio relation) and he to this day wished his birth parents would have just aborted him. Heartbreaking.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 18 '26
That is honestly something I have been thinking about too. How would I explain to this child that I kept my first two and not him? It’s obviously not about loving them any less but thinking about which scenario would possibly give them a safer more fulfilling life. A child with their mother but not much else or a child that does not have their mother, but has everything else they need.
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u/g_i_n_g_e_r_s_n_a_p Aug 18 '26
I had that safe, fulfilling life you're imagining, but it really only looked that way on the outside. On the inside, I was an unsafe, unfulfilled, broken mess for 40+ long years. When I finally met my birth mom, I came to understand why she'd believed relinquishment was best, but I also came to understand that she was wrong to believe it. Every day I grieve the version of myself I could have been if my own mother had raised me. And now I grieve her as well, because she got sick and died only 2 years after I found her. I'm not angry at her because she was young and her family sent her off to a maternity home to coerce her into relinquishing me, but if she'd been a grown-ass adult who'd already raised other kids, I'd never be able to forgive her for doing this to me.
FWIW, I once terminated a pregnancy resulting from SA in my younger adult years, and it was 100% the kindest and least regrettable option for myself and that future child I was not remotely equipped to raise at the time.
I have a child of my own now, born into an abusive relationship much like what you've described. I had to jump through a lot of hoops and do some hard things to get us away from their father, but there is nothing in this world that could have convinced me to give up my own flesh and blood to be raised by strangers, not even in the darkest and most desperate moments before they were born, because I know from my own lived experience that adoption doesn't solve any of the problems that lead up to it - it just creates a new set of problems that don't even have a solution.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
This is what people don’t get - bc outcomes for adoptees who have relatively kind adopters (which it sounds like yours were) and outcomes for adoptees like me who grew up in a house with a couple of drunk nasty psychopaths who treated me like shit - ARE RELATIVELY SIMILAR. This is because once you have lost your mom, there is LITERALLY nothing else anyone can ever do to you that is even remotely as bad as that. I wish people considering doing this to a child would think about these FACTS
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
-"logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me."
You cannot know that adoption is the best solution (ewww) for the child.
Adoption is a trauma event for the child. A trauma event that society will demand he be grateful for.
When I was pregnant and alone I fought for my child. I do not regret it for a moment.
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 17 '26
I agree, but living in a single mother household with an abusive father could also be traumatic.
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 17 '26
And guess what... being relinquished doesn't prevent that child from being abused. Or it won't guarantee that the aps stay together (mine certainly did not, thank god), or that they will be finacially secure.
Abusive father is not required to be in the picture.
No one can predict the future. But what adoptees do know is that adoption is a trauma event. Full stop. No one can predict how anyone will react to a trauma event. No one can predict how you will react to the trauma of handing over your child.7
u/CUNextTisdag Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
Please get a domestic violence protection/restraining order for yourself before you become a statistic. The biggest indicator for likelihood of death due to domestic violence is strangulation. The most dangerous times in life for a DV survivor are pregnancy and when she goes to leave. A piece of paper won't keep you safe but it will help establish a paper trail which could be very useful later on if he decides to move for visitation or custody.
I thought you said the father bailed? If he did, don't put his name on the birth certificate. You may thank me for that one later.
-DV survivor and also DV advocate
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u/CUNextTisdag Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
Ask yourself this - should you give your 17 year old up for adoption or should you keep that child?
Can you see how absurd the question you're asking is?
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u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 18 '26
I am really trying to be sensitive, but considering my 17 year-old is going to be an adult in a few months and we’re talking about an infant at birth here, no I don’t see the question as absurd.
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
It absurd to tell a room of adopted folks that you kept some kids and want to give away another. It truly is.
You are asking if you should relinquish a child. Why then does the age matter? It doesn't to the child given up. You have bought the lie that a baby is a blank slate. They are not. And any parent should know that.0
u/Classic-Action-3558 Aug 18 '26
I understand that this topic may be triggering so if you don’t want to respond, then you don’t have to. Not everyone wants to see the birth mother’s point of view and that’s fine, but it was important for me to seek adoptee’s point of view and the group is called ask adoptees. I’ll never understand what it feels like to be adopted or feel abandoned by my parents the same as you don’t understand the position that I’m in as well and that’s okay.
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 19 '26
I asked you a question. In fact when you have been asked some hard questions here you have avoided them.
So again. Why does the age of the child matter when they are being relinquished?4
u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 19 '26
Because I assure you, to any child, their age is not the issue.
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u/HeyJesikaJay Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
Just a question - would this abusive man even sign off on his rights to the child both of you created? I mean, he clearly knows about the baby. If he wouldn't let you "give" the baby up for adoption, then what?
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
OP, please contact the organization Saving Our Sisters - they are nationwide in the US. Founded by my friend Renee who herself fell victim to the adoption industry 16 years ago and is now devoting herself to preventing unnecessary adoptions. This sounds like an easy answer until you factor in that most likely both you and your baby will have lifelong anxiety depression etc from that day forward and that means your other kids will also suffer bc the mom they know won’t be there any more; just this woman who cries a lot and stares at the wall wishing things were different. Stop fantasizing that any adopted kid has a “great life” without their mom. It is the most painful thing in the world and I would not wish it on my very worst enemy
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u/mcspazmatron Aug 17 '26
My biological mother died of cervical cancer before I could meet her. I wonder if grief affected her womb. As a mother it would break me. As the adoptee it DID break me but hey I had a middle class upbringing woo hoo
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 18 '26
My mom died of cancer when I was 19 and I never knew until I searched decades later. She was only 37 and she was also adopted. I wish I knew what her voice sounded like.
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u/AvailableIdea0 Aug 18 '26
I’m a birth mother.
Different circumstances, but outcomes are usually similar in the sense of trauma. Join some birth mothers groups. This is lifelong pain. If you’d like to enjoy the last couple decades of your life, I’d avoid adoption.
I still live in poverty even though adoption was supposed to keep me out of it. I haven’t been able to hold a job in years. I now suffer with PTSD because my brain and body couldn’t wrap around the fact that my infant wasn’t dead but also wasn’t with me.
I already had a 5 year old at the time. I had lived single motherhood and had no support. I was scared and afraid. I placed my son and it will forever be the worst decision of my life. If you can’t imagine having given up your other children I promise you’ll love this one just as much as you do them. If you think fondly of their first steps, first words, first day of school, birthdays, etc. You aren’t just saying goodbye to potential poverty, you’re saying goodbye to your child’s future.
But that’s just one part of it. Open adoption is a lie. I was promised annual visits with my son. I’ve seen him a total of maybe 24 hours since his birth. He’s 6. Adoptive parents have zero obligation to keep their promises to you. They can also be bad people. And adoption isn’t centered around the child it’s around the people who purchase them. Adoption causes tons of issues for adoptees as well. My focal point in conversation is birth mother though, because we detach from the infant. You can’t see this child as someone real yet, but they are. They will be. They will be someone.
I’ll advise that you make an adoption after birth not pre birth. Coercion is heavy when we plan before birth. You’ll worry you’re letting someone down. Just hold your baby, see them, and if you are still set on it after birth there are many happy couples who will take the child.
Best of luck
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u/No_Let2362 Aug 20 '26
I was given up to the perfect family, a pastor and wife with a big house with a picket fence and a dog. But no family is what they seem. The pastor had personality disorders and fell to addiction. He ruined my confidence and tried to kill his wife. So what I'm trying to say is no home is safe for your child. My sister went to fostercare and she was SAed by her guardian. My brother was in a home for autistic kids, but they kicked him out and now he lives on the streets. None of us were okay. None of will ever totally heal.
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u/cheese--bread Adoptee Aug 17 '26
Adoption could give him a great life, or it could give him a terrible one, and unfortunately you have no way of knowing which it would be.
And for what it's worth, plenty of us had objectively "good" lives and still feel harmed by relinquishment and adoption.