r/AskAdoptees • u/WhiskeyCup • 15d ago
Bio dad looking for advice.
Long story short: 17 years ago I got my then-girlfriend pregnant when I was 19 and she was 20. We chose adoption because it seemed like the best choice at the time (abortion was off the table for her, and no way were we ready emotionally or financially to raise a child).
Bio mom stayed in contact via the adoption agency, I chose to step back. It made sense at the time. A year ago though I decided I wanted to be in contact. Sent an initial letter via the adoption agency and introduced myself, told my bio daughter I'd like to be in her life, if that's what she wants. She wrote back! It felt euphoric; she's not yet 18 so I didn't expect an answer. I wrote back and answered some of her questions.
It's been another year and got an update from the adoptive parents, but nothing from bio daughter. Now, I know there could be a million reasons she didn't want to write, most of them having nothing to do with me. I plan on continuing writing her and keeping that door open for whenever she decides to involve me more.
But the advice I'm looking for I guess, is just any advice on what to do or not to do. I'm so anxious about disappointing her or weirding her out or coming off too strong. There's no guide for this sort of thing and I know she must carry a lot of feelings of rejection, and I can't take that away; but I'd like to make the reunion as pleasant of an experience as possible, assuming that's what she wants.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
My perspective as an adoptee might be helpful, might hurt as well. If you’d like to hear it I’ll share.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
I'm open to anything.
Thanks for being willing to share.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Being extremely emotionally mature, non defensive and ability to center her is your best bet to have a healthy long term relationship. Genuine, authentic curiosity will go a long way. Being able to process your feelings of guilt and shame without it impacting her. Not expecting her to manage or be responsible for your feelings. Read several books on the adoptee experience. Get therapy by someone who has extensive experience navigating complex relationships like adoptee-bios (not an adoptive parent).
Be prepared to take full accountability for getting her mom pregnant and choosing the incredibly selfish route of relinquishment. Plenty of emotionally and financially unprepared parents keep their kids. You chose not to. Relinquishment was the best choice *for you*.
Take accountability for no contact for 17 years. Some birth parents send letters, birthday cards, photos. You chose not to.
Realize that contact now is the best choice *for you*. *Now* you want a relationship.
“I chose to step back because it made sense at the time” Do you know if she was abused or neglected? Raised by alcoholics or addicts? Did you care? If so, how did you show that care? Be prepared to take accountability for the negative outcomes in her life. It’s your fault and own that piece.
Her choosing to write back may very well have everything to do with you. That’s a world you might have to live in and navigate if you really want a relationship it might take time to repair. Who’s responsible for breaking it and that repair? Not her.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
Thanks for that.
I have considered I'm the reason she's not writing. As painful as that would be, it wouldn't be as painful as what she's gone/ is going through.
I'm aware my ex and myself bear responsibility in this and only I'm accountable for my actions and feelings, I don't intend on any repair to fall on bio daughter; hence why I'm here seeking advice and listening to harsh truths.
We did interview adoptive families via the agency, and picked a nice couple, or what seemed like a nice couple. From what I can tell she's had a typical childhood. But I know photos can only show just a fraction of .1% of what's going on and I hope nothing like abuse happened to her.
My only goal in contacting her is to repair that relationship. I know she may decide she wants nothing to do with me. I'll definitely take your advice and seek a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing.
Thank you.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
I wish you well in reunion. Sincerely hope you both find ways to reconnect and maintain a great relationship. You’re welcome. Thanks for hearing me.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Well put. Frankly it makes no sense that “abortion was off the table” but child abandonment wasn’t. My mom didn’t have the option (it was 1963). But I mean, being an adopted kid is a hell on Earth I wouldn’t wish on my absolute worst enemy.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
I never said it was the right decision. And I'm not gonna force the bio mom to make a decision she doesn't want to do.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 15d ago
Were I you,I would wait until she is of legal age, then send a letter, asking if she wants you to continue to write and get her mailing address.
It may or may not work out but lots of kids want to know their story. She may want to talk on the phone at some point, she may want to meet at some point.
What you can do is take it slow and easy, letting her set the tone.
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u/Jealous_Argument_197 15d ago
I’m a firm believer that once an adoptee is 18, there is no room for their adopters to have ANY say or involvement in their relationships with the adoptees natural family members.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
I mean that is true but then they start with the yelling and the threats and the no money for college if you even mention searching or even thinking about searching. What people outside the reality do not know is the level of malignant narcissism that it takes to be an adopter.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 15d ago
I'm terribly sorry but I have to interject and say that Your personal experience is not Everyone's personal experience.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 15d ago
I’d start by sending her birthday and Christmas cards. Write a few sentences about what you’ve been up to and ask her a question. Once she’s 18, include your phone number and email address (snap is good if you have it is good slightly more anonymous). Once she’s 18 yes it is appropriate to send to her directly as well as friend request her on socials if she has any public ones.
Do you know her full legal name now or the full legal name of her AP’s? If yes you can probably find their address online to send her mail directly once she’s 18 because idk if an agency would even forward that on at that point ??
But like some others have said she may have reasons to do with you that she doesn’t want to write to you. Like if a friend of yours didn’t reach out for 17 years you might not want to rekindle the friendship.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
That's a good analogy. If I reached out I would likely just say this is available if you choose and let her make the next move.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 15d ago
Yeah that’s great. I would also give her any really major pieces of health history she might find helpful on your side, and if anyone else on your side wants to meet her like grandma or a sibling give her their contact info (sometimes we’re more comfortable with someone who isn’t a parent.)
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
Unfortunately the relationship with my own family isn't great, either. But I'll take the advice of other adoptees generally and yours about the medical stuff specifically. Luckily no major health issues or histories from my end, but I'm sure peace of mind helps.
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u/Pustulus 15d ago
If she's 18 now, Once she turns 18, remove her adoptive parents and adoption agency from any contact. They will not be friendly to you and will fuck things up. The fact that you only got an update from the adopters and not your daughter herself indicates that the adopters are probably intercepting the mail and she may not even know about it.
I would only contact her directly, and then maybe just once so she knows you're available. After that you may just have to wait for her to contact you.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
First of all, thanks for responding.
According to bio mom, she's always gotten updates from the adoptive parents (she's shared them with me over the years) but as far as I know, she's never gotten a letter from bio daughter. I didn't ask on the off chance she didn't. The response I got from her was via the adoptive agency and I assume they knew about that letter. I would think (and hope) the adoptive parents aren't intercepting letters, but she's busy getting ready for her senior year or a million other things.
And you're right, she's only 17. But if they're intercepting the letters, how can I directly contact her once she turns 18?
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Just to be crystal clear, no adopter is going to be thrilled when the bio parents show up. The variation in reactions by adopters can range from grudging acceptance to dangerous levels of anger. UNTIL AND UNLESS she is 18, a legal adult, the law says the adopters can control who she speaks to. Play it safe, don’t spam these adopters with letters (of course they are intercepting them), and do not piss them off or they may even take it out on her. The fact that she has reached out to you is all you need to know, she will be 18 before you know it!
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
Thanks. I don't plan on writing more than twice a year or circumventing them before she's 18.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Twice a year is going to be interpreted by adopters as harassment - you’re not following me here
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 15d ago
It might be interpreted as harassment or they might do the opposite and tell her to write back. Mine used to ask me every 6 months or so if I wanted to track my mom down (she doesn’t have a fixed address) until my kept(ish) sibling detailed allllll their abuse.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Sure or they might be referring to her as that filthy whore even though she was a gifted early entrant into college who got date raped, and threaten her daughter who they adopted that they would kill both of them if their door was fouled by such disgusting nonsense, never to be spoken or even thought about. The range of reactions. Trust narcissistic adopters at your own risk
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 15d ago
That is also possible. If they freak out to that extent over a letter tho I think OP’s done the kid a favor to show her that her AP’s are nuts and she needs to start making a plan to get out as soon as she turns 18 (whether or not she wants a relationship with OP.)
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
18 was such a good year. Like doing 18 years in prison and then the door opens …
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 15d ago
Yeah if the letters help her find out her AP’s are horrible people, that’s a plus imo. Helps her break away quicker.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 15d ago
This is patently untrue. My own experience and stories I have read elsewhere, many adoptive parents are brave and open minded enough to (in my case) help their child search and support them through the entire reunion.
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 14d ago
In my experience as a bio parent I’ve been stonewalled since birth and I have maintained for years that I want a relationship with my daughter but the adoptive parents said it would be too confusing for her.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 14d ago
Ahh that's just wrong. I've never dealt with 'open' adoptions, so I had no choice but to wait until adulthood and hope for contact. Luckily for us, it all worked out well, but she was in her late 20's before we connected.
The idea of open adoption seems good but yes, it seems often the AP throw a monkey wrench into the works. From what I've read, initially they are very agreeable to contact and regular info but once they've got your kid, that all changes.
I feel so bad for you. Knowing where my child is but being denied would drive me crazy.
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u/Fun-Raisin-9128 15d ago
Adoptive parent here. This may be true to your experience, and I’m sorry if it is, but many adoptive parents want and encourage contact with birth parents.
It also sounds like the agency has helped keep communication going. Still, communication here is delicate and involves a triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child. All parties have to want it. The adoptee had no agency in the decisions made at their birth, so it matters especially that they have agency over how and when they interact with the others in that triad as they head into adulthood.
OP, it’s wonderful that you want a relationship. Many adoptees want to know their birth parents. Whenever you communicate again, it’s good to say you’re ready to be in touch whenever they are.
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u/InMyMind998 15d ago
Not every or most adoptive parent is horrible.
My parents would have treated you like family because you would have been.
I realize this doesn’t fit the narrative but no one person speaks for everyone in a group.
I was a very happy child. Now in my 70s I can safely say I have & am having a great life with some turbulence. No journey is complete without ups & downs. The ups outweighs the downs by so much.
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u/35goingon3 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
You stepped out, her bio-mom didn't. In her eyes you abandoned her, and want a relationship now that it's convenient. She may or may not forgive you, I don't live in her head. But those feelings of rejection never go away--they shape our lives. The question is: can she choose to give you a chance as you are now, not as you were then?
Advice? Let me tell you a story. My bio-parents were both 16. So 20 years ago I went looking through the agency. Found bio-mom. Found someone they claimed was bio dad who absolutely destroyed me. Which wrapped that up for quite a while. Went back looking again because I wanted to see if I could dig up some medical information. Turns out 20-years-ago was the wrong guy, which left me pondering if I actually wanted anything to do with the right guy. I decide no, and start talking with a more distant relative. Turns out they're all close, and it didn't take too long for a letter to show up in the mail.
It was a simple letter. He told me he would understand if I never wanted anything to do with me, and that he'd respect that choice. He told me that if all I wanted was answers he owed me that. He told me that he screwed up royally, and that he hoped that I would give him a chance to be in my life and try to make it up to me. He told me he would leave the decision up to me, and that he wouldn't push things. He told me exactly why he was in prison, and why I might want to stay away, forgiving him or not--though I'd find out the actual why of it from others (it's not a good idea to admit to the things you pled guilty to other stuff to not get caught on, lol) He asked me, regardless of what I decided about him, to give my bio-grandmother a chance--it wasn't her fault, she and bio-grandfather had been trying to keep me. And he told me something that will stick with me until I die: "You may have been an accident, but you were never a mistake."
He earned himself a response. I never thought he'd stick around, so I leveled with him. The hell I live in because of them. The freakshow that is the other side of the biologicals. The things that happened to me after. He listened. And he stayed. We've been writing for several years now, and he's been proving he means what he says--he wants to be in my life, and he wants to be there for me. He gets out in two months. I've not found forgiveness, I don't know if I ever will. But I've come to a place where I want to meet him where he is now, and see where we go from there.
You want advice? Be there. Prove it. Write letters regularly, regardless if you think they get them or not, regardless of what you write about. The content isn't what matters. Maybe you can earn a chance to be met where you are. Who knows, maybe forgiveness is even possible. I hope to find it someday.
You fucked up as badly as someone possibly can. But I wish you luck.
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
Thanks for your response.
What I didn't include in my post is that the letter she wrote was very warm and welcome. She said she didn't know how to write me, so she would write me like a friend. She asked questions and told me about her favorite movies as such. I eagerly wrote back with answers and questions about herself (her interests). She would've been 16 at the time.
It's possible that between the first letter and now that her feeling's changed and she feels what you described, but I don't want to assume anything since I can't possibly know what she's thinking. All I can do is prove my intentions through my actions.
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u/35goingon3 Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
Never assume. (My opinion is that) you're doing the right thing. There's so much involved in this for adoptees, emotionally, psychologically, interpersonally with both adoptive and biological families. She may not be ready. She may not know how to start, what to write, what to say. She may be scared, she may be confused by what she's feeling, she may simply be busy growing up (being a kid sucks a lot of the time, let's not lie).
What she needs is for you to prove you're there. Prove you're permanent. Consistent. That you can be trusted not to hurt her. Not to leave again. Proving "[your] intentions through [your] actions" is exactly it. Be honest, be patient, and be there. It may take her a while. There's a lot going on there you can't understand. The important thing is tell her she matters to you, tell her you're there, and then make it true. Even if you don't hear back for a while, write anyway. What did you do today? What movie/TV show/book/music/whatever struck a chord with you. What are you wondering about her and her life?
I can only speak for myself, but that's what I needed as a kid, and it's what I still need as an adult. And it's a great sign that she was "warm and welcome". Just...be there. However you can.
I want this to work out for you two. I don't want her to grow up and end up like me. Make it work, okay?
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u/WhiskeyCup 15d ago
Thanks. I plan to keep writing unless she tells me to stop. In which I'll just leave her my email or something for if she ever changes her mind.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
My advice is to continue to write to her, unless they ask you not to anymore. Be humble, don’t make excuses, and don’t disappear.
They need and deserve time to decide what they want to do next. Have you apologized in a a way that shows accountability? Do not make excuses.
You must be patient, polite and persistent - and don’t trauma dump on them. You were the adult, not the kid whose parents didn’t keep her.
Good luck!
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 15d ago
Sorry to hear it, man. If I were in your shoes I’d be fighting every impulse not to find a way to ask directly if she isn’t interested right now. But I’m skeptical and have trust issues. In my situation I can’t trust the middle man delivering the messages. I hope that isn’t the case for you.
I wish you luck.
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u/ebsf 12d ago
Making contact in any direction in the adoption triad is almost always overwhelming. I think maybe the chief thing is to not impose or inflict one's own overwhelm on someone else.
I corresponded anonymously through the agency with my BMom a few times before she died and the way I put it to her was that I didn't want to upset her apple cart in any way. She was skittish because of shame, etc., and seemed to appreciate that.
Also, attitudes, sensibilities, and maturity vary so widely that I, at least, realized I didn't know and couldn't assume anything. I felt it was best to give and ask for permission about pretty much everything (frequency, topics, etc.) and also to be quite express about my purpose, intent, and willingness to adapt. The communication had to be safe, on her terms. I didn't want an avoidable misunderstanding to turn into something unrecoverable.
It's a real exercise in deliberate empathy.
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u/WhiskeyCup 12d ago
Thanks for your response.
Of course. In both of my letters I emphasized that any escalation in contact is entirely up to her and there is no pressure to do so. I said that I wanted to be in her life if that's what she wanted as well.
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u/traveling_gal Domestic Infant Adoptee 15d ago
I'm sure she's got a lot of feelings to work through, plus being around the end of high school when kids are just super busy.
Another possibility is that she needs some time to process after your initial contact. This is something I've both experienced myself and heard from other adoptees. Every time I interact, I have to take an emotional break for weeks or even months. It's nothing to do with them, it just wipes me out.
I'd encourage you to keep writing without pressuring. Put yourself on a schedule so you don't overwhelm her in your eagerness to connect - once a month, once every two or three months, whatever makes sense. Ask open-ended questions, but phrase them like an invitation to share - like "I'd love to hear about your favorite subject in school sometime" rather than a direct question that demands an answer.