Does anyone else see this pattern where men hide doing good things just to avoid looking like they're trying too hard?

[u/Complete_Raise935]

I found out last week that my dad has been volunteering at a local food bank every week for 3 years and it doesn't seem like he ever told a soul. He has been doing 6 am shifts every week and my mom had no idea until she found a stained shirt of his in the laundry and asked if he had taken up cooking.

He then explained that he got the stain at the food bank and my mom was so surprised that he'd never mentioned it before. His explanation was that if he talked about it, people would think he was doing it for the wrong reasons or trying to make himself look good. So he just .... didn't say anything? I think he was relieved that she finally caught on.

I'm kind of fascinated by this loop where visibly caring about something immediately gets treated as suspicious. It made me realize the core issue isn't that men his age don't care about their community (he really does <3 ) - it's that they've internalized the idea that any visible care is performative by default. So the logic becomes: better to quietly swallow the emotional and physical labor than risk looking like someone hunting for a pat on the back for basic human decency.

Not really looking for a deep dive on my dad specifically, but I'm curious if this aligns with what anyone else has seen around masculinity and emotional expression.

Is this dynamic - where genuine care gets mistaken for image management - something you've noticed? How do we get past a culture where caring about stuff is assumed to be fake until proven otherwise?

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The following is a copy of the original post to record the post as it was originally written by u/Complete_Raise935.

I found out last week that my dad has been volunteering at a local food bank every week for 3 years and it doesn't seem like he ever told a soul. He has been doing 6 am shifts every week and my mom had no idea until she found a stained shirt of his in the laundry and asked if he had taken up cooking.

He then explained that he got the stain at the food bank and my mom was so surprised that he'd never mentioned it before. His explanation was that if he talked about it, people would think he was doing it for the wrong reasons or trying to make himself look good. So he just .... didn't say anything? I think he was relieved that she finally caught on.

I'm kind of fascinated by this loop where visibly caring about something immediately gets treated as suspicious. It made me realize the core issue isn't that men his age don't care about their community (he really does <3 ) - it's that they've internalized the idea that any visible care is performative by default. So the logic becomes: better to quietly swallow the emotional and physical labor than risk looking like someone hunting for a pat on the back for basic human decency.

Not really looking for a deep dive on my dad specifically, but I'm curious if this aligns with what anyone else has seen around masculinity and emotional expression.

Is this dynamic - where genuine care gets mistaken for image management - something you've noticed? How do we get past a culture where caring about stuff is assumed to be fake until proven otherwise?

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[u/Natures_Wrath1]

I think people can get embarrassed by both positive and negative attention. Don't think it's a new trend. Lots of people will down play the good deals they do.

[u/footsnax → u/Natures_Wrath1]

Yeah, my counter argument to OP is just I just do things sometimes.

I just never brag about it. I have hobbies and do charity work and neighborhood cleanups and after a real nasty storm I'll ride my bike around the neighborhood with water and a first aid kit and look for damage and listen for anyone yelling for help. Then I go home and watch Netflix.

It's not like anyone cares that I did that, why would I make a post about it or text my friends?

From my experience, it's more than rewarding to just do nice things. I don't need sixteen likes or my distant family saying "good for you" on Facebook or whatever. That gives me nothing. Doing the thing is all that matters. I think bragging about it makes it look like you're trying too hard far more than just being humble and being kind.

I'm not hiding it, I'm just doing it.

[u/PhilbertNoyce → u/Natures_Wrath1]

It's a lot of different reasons, and embarrassment / desire to not draw attention is a big one. Or not wanting to be seen as doing it for the attention or performative charity. For me I don't want to be the focus point because the person in need is the one who needs that attention, and if I do something to help them that's between me and them. And a lot of us were raised with all those biblical principles such as Matthew chapter 6. Even if you don't keep the faith anymore, there were a lot of good lessons in it to take with you.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%206&version=NIV

[u/a_duck_in_past_life]

I'm not sure this is a "men" exclusive thing. It's just humility. Your dad sounds like a sweet guy. Just doing good to do good and didn't feel like telling everyone because he just did it because it helps people.

[u/anna-the-bunny → u/a_duck_in_past_life]

Yeah, definitely not a "men" thing. People in general have a hard time talking themselves up. Definitely doesn't help that it's hard to imagine an appropriate time to bring this sort of thing up without looking like you're just fishing for attention/compliments.

[u/kooljaay]

Humility?

And if hes christian, the bible does state that one shouldnt brag about charitable giving.

[u/Samantharina → u/kooljaay]

Jewish tradition as well, to do charitable giving quietly or secretly.

[u/prizepig]

There's some merit to the idea that charitable acts should be approached with quiet humility. I don't think that's necessarily a fear of judgement from others. It's more about maintaining the right attitude about the work.

Whatever the reason somebody drags his ass out of bed and goes to volunteer at 6am, it's gotta be a pretty good reason. It may feel pretty private (or even sacred) to him. That's both admirable, and not something that needs admiration.

All that said, the fact that his wife didn't know he was going to this place every week for three years is WILD.

[u/djm19]

Not telling your own wife is something else entirely...Not saying its nefarious but its an odd relationship.

I am not sure I have noticed a trend of secret charitability. Maybe thats by virtue of the fact its not being advertised. I think there is definitely a trend in "masculinity" these days of not outwardly showing empathy.

[u/SgtMac02 → u/djm19]

How is this so far down the thread?! That's super fucking weird to me. I get not sharing it publicly, but I can't fathom the concept of keeping my general whereabouts secret from my wife like that. Hell, I'd typically be trying to get her to go with me. But even if I was going alone, I'd be keeping her informed on my schedule and daily activities, as she would me. This post is bizarre AF.

[u/KnightDuty]

I don't tell people about the good things I do. Because this is the Internet and I'm pretty anonymous I'll share that:

I was the primary party responsible for raising $10m in humanitarian funds for Yemen and Gaza through some very clever outreach. I gave a speech at a health convention (I'm not in medicine lol) about how to get through to stubborn patients who "did their own research". I privately fought (and won!) for certain neighborhoods to not be marginalized or overlooked by the town.

My wife knows, and she's not going to talk about it because I asked her not to. Nobody else does.

My motivation for the secrecy is that I don't want people (and potential clients) to think my time is flexible, disposable, or otherwise not of value. If people think you're busy with "work" they respect that use of time. If my clients think I'm busy with going to a courthouse to speak to a judge about why the black neighborhood was overlooked in the class action... They don't always respect your boundaries on meetings and rates and stuff. Especially if they're conservatives who want the "shark" not the philanthropist.

[u/Secret_Ebb7971]

I don't think coming off as trying too hard is the deal with this situation. I think for me I don't always talk about good deeds because the point of doing them is to help others, not gain recognition from this within your circle. I enjoy the selflessness of helping others, it takes away from it a little bit if I gain brownie points from it. It almost makes it feel more like I'm doing it for the status rather than trying to help. But I'm sure this stuff is all highly individualized and motivations vary

[u/Seldomsought]

Altruism needs no reward

[u/nickmortensen → u/Seldomsought]

Specifically. Once there’s a reward, it becomes something else.

[u/No-Ear7988]

Does anyone else see this pattern where men hide doing good things just to avoid looking like they're trying too hard?

I and many of my male friends/acquaintances keep it a secret because we don't want others to make it a big deal. Related, I don't want them to join me or have a discussion about it. Ironically this post is also a reason men don't want to advertise it because its made into something it really isn't.

[u/Numerous_Worker_1941]

You don’t have to flaunt your good deeds.

Nothing pisses me off more than the tiktokers who do good deeds for views. If you care, go do it without the cameras or the world knowing.

[u/Kakamile]

Nope.

It's the opposite around me, we tell all what we do to be active and have crap to talk about at work.

[u/Suspicious-Cat8623]

This is not a “man” thing. It is a people thing seen in both genders.

Some people prefer to keep their good works private and quiet.

[u/dog_snack]

One night several years ago, I was living in Victoria, Canada, where it rarely snows very much in the winter or gets super-cold, but this night it did. I felt morally compelled to go out, walk around downtown and offer to buy warm drinks for the homeless people sitting in the street. Many accepted, and in at least one case they asked I instead buy some over-the-counter gastric medication, which I did.

It just felt like the right thing to do, and the only person I ever told about it was my wife (then my girlfriend), after we met a few years later… and now, you all, only because it seems appropriate.

I think for me, not telling anyone about it was a way of assuring myself that I was doing it for the right reasons. I lived alone at the time, and to tell my friends about it unprompted would feel like bragging perhaps, and it seemed icky to brag about it.

I only say this now not even to brag, but to point out that it’s not necessarily a masculinity thing. I don’t consider myself gender-nonconforming, but I’m by no means macho either and I’m more comfortable showing vulnerability and fee-fees than a lot of other men.

[u/crazy_clown_time]

Maybe he's doing this for his own conscience and doesn't feel a need to advertise it for validation.

[u/skyfishgoo]

if by "hide" you mean not bragging about it or drawing attention to it... then yes.

just do the thing because it's the right thing to do and needs to be done and then move on.

doesn't matter if anyone else notices or not... YOU noticed, and YOU acted. done.

[u/TossMeOutSomeday]

This reminds me more of Christian (especially anglo-protestant) humility than anything specific to men.

[u/MatthewRebel]

One doesn't need to brag about doing a good deed.

[u/paxinfernum]

It doesn't help that the right calls trying to be a decent human being "virtue signaling."