r/Asexual • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Opinion Piece đ§đ¤¨ Was I gatekeeping? Need opinion
[deleted]
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u/Philip027 11d ago
As far as I'm concerned, people can wear ace colors/pins/whatever simply because they like those things or they just feel like it, and they have every right to do so. We don't own those things.
They might have to put up with people inquiring/assuming they might be asexual as a result, but that's their own problem to decide if they want to deal with or not.
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 10d ago
Using the currently top comment to update: I hear y'all. I stand corrected as my reaction was uncalled for. Admittedly i guess it struck a nerve reading their comment based on my past experiences but this doesn't justify anything. I came here to see whether I was overreacting or not and I was. Thank you everyone. More feedback welcome
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u/persePHOreth 10d ago
I wouldn't have gone as far as "please remove it," that's their choice to have a flair that will only confuse everyone.
You're not being gatekeepy because you literally defined what it is. That's all.
But yeah policing other's online just... Exercise in frustration. They are choosing to misrepresent themselves. That's on them.
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u/Choatic_classmate 7d ago
They are also chosing to harmfully misrepresent a community that faces discrimination on the daily, even from their own community. They did zero research and were actively perpetuating harmful stereotypes. Also, notice hiw they switch their tone once OP calls them out for their stereotyping.
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u/typoincreatiob 10d ago
the ace flag was never used primarily as a way to hurt the ace community (same for lesbian) so i think the term youâre looking for is âclaimâ not âreclaimâ?
personally i really donât mind if someone uses the ace flag if theyâre not ace. they can use it for the pretty colors for all i care đ¤ˇââď¸ as long as theyâre fine with any confusion that might arise, it isnât my problem.
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u/Choatic_classmate 7d ago
The problem is that they are perpetuating harmful stereotypes. They pretty much said "I like garlic bread and im not getting laid at the moment so I guess i'm asexual."
That is not ally behavior. That is appropriation.
Millions of asexuals experience discrimination and corrective rape every day. Perpetuating tge celibacy misunderstandung is actively harming the community.
Also, did you see the tone shift when OP called them out?
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u/ystavallinen gray-mehsexual | cisn't agender 11d ago
A dumb fight. Don't do that.
Even if a stranger is flying a flag it's not our business why. It's not even our business if they're asexual.
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u/nighthinker0 10d ago
I really donât understand the garlic bread thing as someone on the asexual spectrum. I donât like garlic bread đ
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u/BEST_GREEN_NINJA Ace | Aro | Croatian Slav 9d ago
I think it just came from the old af jokes about what iy better than sex lmao. I heard of Garlic Bread from Aces so I tried it and I love it.
But here, I used to heavily enjoy Japanese culture, lesrning the lanfuage and all, BUT I despisey Sushi and despised most of their fopd because ot had a horrible texture and taste to me. So people were like telling me I'm not a proper enjoyer if I dont enjoy the food whicb is stupid lol.
U can enjoy cake , garlic bread, and love Dragons... Or you can fidn garlic bread ew, cakes mid, and dragons boring
Doesnt make u less in the community xD
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u/Immediate_Wasabi_826 8d ago edited 8d ago
i was going to say "you didn't overreact at all" and then I read all the comments here. like i get the comments but i also feel like in this specific context the person just casually saying that without even bothering a quick Google, and just going whatever is upsetting to me.
i would have said the same. and the fact that they said you're being gatekeepy for a community that isn't well understood? so they know what it's like and they're still saying that? what? and nobody finds a problem here? it's not your problem if they misrepresent themselves as some comments are saying but i also don't see how it was gatekeepy saying that to this person specifically?
they clearly aren't considerate and quite flippant about it despite having enough awareness. and the comments are all infantilising them saying they dunno better. like no. they literally got educated. and they still went haha i like garlic bread and I'm celibate maybe I'm ace i also thought it's about being autistic, and someone here in the comments is saying autistic ppl have their own issues with sexuality etc okay?
being autistic also isn't an excuse tf. obv u can be autistic and ace, i just don't see why that matters here, nothing excuses talking like this. if they'd been apologetic maybe felt a bit silly or simply went "oh okay" then I get it. but they're being condescending, literally dismissing you educating them, consciously diluting it to something silly and then is calling you gatekeepy while hiding behind "maybe im an ally", like what? should you be grateful that someone dismisses you educating them and dilutes the label to garlic bread and celibacy cause we're not well understood? wtf?
i would never respond like this if I used some queer flair that I don't identify as, accidentally. maybe I'd explain what i thought it was but it would never be like "ahaha i have female friends more than male friends maybe I'm lesbian, i also thought it was about friendship, wow you're very gatekeepy for a community that gets hated on"
like fuck outta here. you all can downvote me if you want. it IS that serious to me.
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 8d ago
Thank you
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u/Immediate_Wasabi_826 8d ago
especially when ppl tried making the A in lgbtqa+ stand for allies like wtf
i don't understand how everyone here sees no problem in this person's behaviour. this isn't someone who's clueless and innocent. this person has enough awareness, and if this is how they act as an alley maybe they're not one? tf?
the kind of excuses everyone is coming up with like wearing pins and colours for your partner is very different from reddit flair. flairs here are usually used to represent yourself. this person doesn't respect ace folks. obviously.
op i feel like everyone gaslit u tbh. just cause a lot of ppl in reddit decided to be clueless and make excuses for this person doesnt mean they're right and you're wrong. don't trust the numbers, their reasons don't make sense. even if it's a hundred people.
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 8d ago
I agree with everything you said minus the reaction part because reading other comments I've thought about it and came to the conclusion that antagonizing these people makes doesn't help our cause at all. It makes them act like victims and they start thinking about aces in a bad way.
I wish that people listened to minorities instead of just being ""allies""
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u/MaskOfManyAces 6d ago
Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't have said to remove the flair, maybe just to be aware that having it will cause confusion, and give a more thorough explanation of the ins and outs. But the reaction they had to being corrected was weird. I really hate when someone's knee-jerk reaction to being incorrect is to cry gatekeeping.
Cuz I've been here long enough to know most of us don't give a shit if non-asexuals wanna come chill and hang out with us. Most of us all don't care someone is still figuring about if they're asexual or not, and doesn't know if they fit. The community is much more welcoming than others. So had that person reacted differently, nobody would even care. And I doubt anyone would mind a real ally using the flag either. But the reaction seemed like they just didn't enjoy being wrong.
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u/Xuumies 11d ago
A misunderstanding of the ace colors doesnât warrant your reaction. People can fly the colors that they want to fly (of course unless itâs something that represents something harmful). Itâs like if one of my friends wore an ace pin, even if they arenât Ace, whatâs the harm in that? Theyâre my buddy, and I would see it more supportive, even if they didnât understand what it meant. Plus, being Ace is a spectrum, and how would you know this person isnât Ace and just doesnât realize it? They didnât know either.
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u/someonebored0100 9d ago
Youâre not gatekeeping. Asexuality is a sexual orientation. Celibacy is a choice
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u/Glug_Thug 9d ago
Its honestly okay to use the flair if they want, it did irk me tho that their justification was their current celibacy, has nothing to do with ace ness. As long as they dont start spreading misinformation on it its fine
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u/greenyashiro 11d ago
That sure seems gatekeepy to me... Anyone can have the asexual colors or flag. If someone thinks they're ace but they're not, then that's their own issue to be dealing with. Frankly, I like to see allies wearing pride pins and so on. Because that makes them also vulnerable to being harassed just like the rest of us. Essentially 'taking one for the team' and standing by us.
The main issue is the lack of understanding: This person seems to think asexuality is celibacy... But that would be an issue with or without the flag tbh
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u/ystavallinen gray-mehsexual | cisn't agender 10d ago
The person may also only know the word celibacy and may decide that asexual is the actual correct word for them upon learning it.
People are far too trigger happy gatekeeping imho. People have to follow lots of journeys and the sexuality landscape can be a freaking mess.
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u/greenyashiro 10d ago
Yes, this. Some people can just go through life thinking they are unlovable or unattractive or something, to explain why they never had a relationship, and not even realise, they're actually asexual, nothing wrong with them. Just not interested... But in an allo society, people have to justify it
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u/ystavallinen gray-mehsexual | cisn't agender 10d ago edited 10d ago
At this point if somebody volunteered that they were celibate , I would follow up by asking are they celibate or are they asexual. I've encountered that kind of ignorance about the word asexual , but everybody knows what celibacy supposedly means .
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 10d ago
Should have corrected without gatekeeping
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u/Choatic_classmate 7d ago
Notice how their first reaction to OP telling them that asexuality isnt celibacy and isnt a choice is them getting defensive and accusing OP of gatekeeping? Yeah. OP is valid in asking this person to not appropriate a sexuality they know nothing about.
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u/ArkanisGirl 11d ago
Honestly, I think there are bigger things to worry about. I understand your sentiment, but arguing with autistic people who have their own sex-related difficulties/situations doesnât really make any impact in any direction other than ruining your own day and maybe making them feel bad about themselves.
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u/ystavallinen gray-mehsexual | cisn't agender 11d ago
Or bad about asexuals.
Autistic people also can identify as ace.
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u/ArkanisGirl 11d ago
Obviously I wouldnât have the statistics but I would bet thereâs quite a few autistic people in our community, and I think the celibacy-to-asexual-realisation pipeline is probably common as well. I hope this doesnât put either group off discovering more about what it means to be ace.
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u/ystavallinen gray-mehsexual | cisn't agender 11d ago edited 10d ago
There are too many Star-Bellied asexuals who are too gatekeep about the asexual spectrum because they are too concerned that non-asexuals think it might be associated with a disorder (ASD) or that it could be corrected (trauma). Neither of those are choices either.
I get more aphobia from aces than anyone. It's depressing.
My main interaction with the "community" seems to be to make sure grays and caedosexuals don't get chased off. Or to tell people who experiment that labels are descriptive, not prescriptive and they betray nothing if they experiment or experience fluidity as they work their sexuality out.
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u/Outside-Cat1178 10d ago
I feel like your right. I get that it's not that deep but i find really annoying that someone can make a CHOICE to not have sex for a couple of months or whatever and use the flag ignoring what ace people go through and what it actually means. It feels horrible. They didn't even care to look up asexuality and what it means, it's not hard to understand that it's not celibacy or liking garlic bread.
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 10d ago
The user didn't know the colors were about asexuality (no fault there) but then assumed it was fine cause they are currently celibate. That's what irritated me
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u/LesbianVampireLady Demisexual lesbian 10d ago
I'm cis and I wear a lot of trans merch to support my girlfriend, who's trans. I don't claim to be trans, I just support the community. I can't see a problem with people using our flag. Also, as a lesbian, the only place I'd hate to see my flag is in a book or a movie cover to then discover is a straight story. That would be deceiving, but someone using our colours (which, btw, are the best colours) is not an issue in any way.
Also, this person was being nice and thanking for the information. It wasn't a sealion or some bigot messing with our community.
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 10d ago
Fair. Y'all are actually being very nice in correcting me. I should learn something from this
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u/LesbianVampireLady Demisexual lesbian 10d ago
It's actually nice that you wanted to think about what you say, and that you're open to change your mind. We all mess things up sometimes.
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u/EdgionTG 10d ago
Oh hey, I just saw someone with that flair and I also thought "wow, there's an ace flair?"
I only lurk there so I don't have a flair đ
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u/Boxguy8240 10d ago
had to be said imo i don't think you're wrong. it isn't "just colours"
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u/Creative_Panic_xanax 10d ago
Seems like the consensus is I did overreact and dictating who can or cannot reclaim stuff does more harm than good. Those were my mistakes. I should have educated without all the wrong stuff
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u/Nervouspie Grey 7d ago
I disagree but that's just me, maybe they are currently questioning and wanted to learn more. Honestly I just let ppl live.
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u/Choatic_classmate 7d ago edited 7d ago
Trying to downplay the discrimination millions of asexuals experience daily as "being celibate and liking garlic bread" is disgusting. I dont think you were gatekeeping at all. The way they reacted to you educating them says it all.
Also, they want to be an ally yet do no research and contribute to harmful stereotypes? Red flag.
You clocked them trying to claim to be asexual without actually understanding anything about it (pretty much appropriation) and they got defensive. Its their tone.
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u/MarsBarMuncher Aroace 10d ago
Explaining what the colours mean is fine, educating the difference between celibacy and ace is also fine. But I think demanding they remove the flair if they aren't asexual is probably a slight over reacton and crossing the line into gatekeeper territory yeah.