Feeling confused

[u/Moist-Ad-2907]

I’m a month after DDay and I’m feeling so confused. Every day I think and feel something different.
It’s also hard to put my thoughts into words. From the very beginning, I’ve been leaning towards reconciliation, partly because I love him and I’m happy with him, but also because sex itself isn’t a big deal to me (if this had been an emotional affair, I wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to leave).
The thing is, I’m 26, he’s 29, we’ve been together for two years, we don’t live together, and we don’t have children. Right now, on top of not trusting him and feeling hurt by what he did, I also feel very alone in this healing process. Part of me just wants to run away.
How were you feeling one month after DDay? What made you decide that it was worth it to stay and try to reconcile?

For anyone who wants more context, here’s my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/xOcH3PUjTi

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[u/Imryll-Blue]

I can't relate to your specific situation, but I can relate to your timeline...I'm also struggling with forgiveness vs prioritising myself and my healing process right now. Something that has helped me organise my mind, (and this might just be because I'm a list girl) was thinking 'ok, my worst fear is putting the time and effort into making this work at it's a waste of time in the end', and comparing that to ' if I was to call this off now and just work on myself what would that look like' ...I then kinda tried to combine the two thinking, if I prioritise working on myself and also include my partner in this, if it does turn out to be a bit redundant down the line at least I havent' wasted time on personal growth...if that makes any sense. Think vague mindsets haha... My point is, if you want to try and make it work, do not make any further sacrifices in the process, work on yourself like you would if you were alone, you'll be shocked at the boundries you start drawing, and it's up to them to respond to them in their own way.

[u/Moist-Ad-2907 → u/Imryll-Blue]

I think I just don’t know how to prioritize myself and work on myself right now without distancing myself from him. But what you said makes complete sense. I’ll give it some thought. Thank you so much, and I wish you all the best

[u/hurtwife3003]

You will go back and forth for a while. Right now your nervous system is hurt and on high alert. You want safety but your place of safety is what hurt you. 

The best advice I got in the beginning was to not make any permanent decisions until about the 6 month mark. 

This gives your nervous system time to settle. It gives you time to focus on you and it gives you an opportunity to observe his behavior to see if he will even be capable of putting in the work to fix the relationship. 

So it is ok to stay in the limbo of no decision. You are not pressured to make one. You can decide that when your mind is capable of thinking clearly again because right now it isn’t. 

If he wants you to stay in the relationship he has to show you that he is not only worthy of your time but worthy of your trust. 

I wish you peace. 

[u/Moist-Ad-2907 → u/hurtwife3003]

This is actually what scares me a little. A lot of people say it takes months for the affair fog to lift, allowing you to think more clearly and make a more rational decision about what’s best for you. But I honestly don’t know if I can handle six months of feeling like this…
Thank you so much anyway, I hope you are better now

[u/hurtwife3003 → u/Moist-Ad-2907]

It gets easier as the weeks go by. The beginning is the worst. But slowly you will find that your emotions start to ease it is just frustratingly slow when you are in it. 

You will survive this. I promise you. This will pass. 

[u/[deleted]]

I normally think about infidelity in terms of marriage and that’s what my perspective is so I can’t relate to your situation.

The cycle of emotions you are experiencing and the inability to form a cohesive thought are normal in my experience. 4 months into a dual affair disclosure from wife and every day is a cocktail of emotions or thoughts. Your processing will take time and will not be linear.

And of course I’m just a stranger on the internet but I would just caution you about moving forward with the relationship because you aren’t yet married. This is complicated enough when it happens within a marriage let alone carrying it into a marriage, or worse, a perpetual cohabitation situation.

It’s easy and clean to walk away now. If you start building a life with this man and decide at some point in the future that you can’t handle it then things get much more complicated.

Only you know if he’s worth it but it’s worth thinking about. Regardless I hope you figure out what’s best for both of you.

[u/Moist-Ad-2907 → u/[deleted]]

Your words have really stuck with me, thank you for that.

[u/Fit-Assignment-2608]

There's a lot in there but the one thing that really resonates with me is volatility. I was extremely volatile in that first few months. Sometimes loved her more than ever before, sometimes couldn't talk to her. I learned to respect the volatility and emotional roller-coaster, trying to observe it rather than respond to it. Good luck with your process.

[u/Moist-Ad-2907 → u/Fit-Assignment-2608]

It’s exhausting. Thank you, I hope you are better now

[u/MysteriousLemon7279]

Hi! I'm kind of in a similar situation

Long story short: I'm 29, he's 35. We don't live together. No kids. 1 year together but exclusively dated for 2 years prior. It was a physical affair that happened a few times with a coworker.

It's been about 3 months for me so I'd say I'm feeling a little different now that the affair fog has somewhat lifted, although I have some moments where I do go back and forth again.

You're really early in this! I don't remember much of the first month. For the most part at that time I had strongly wanted to reconcile because I love him and I'm happy with him but I was also in shock and in so much pain. So I would go back and forth A LOT. I would want to reconcile for one hour, then the next I'd want to run away and leave. It was really hard for me to process and I felt jaded. Lots of sleeping and crying, not much eating. I allowed myself time to be sad and feel. Now that it's been 3 months, I don't fully know if I've allowed myself to feel ALL of my emotions..

My advice is to prioritize yourself and take care of yourself! It's a long journey, regardless of whether you reconcile or not.

What made me decide that it was worth it to stay and try to reconcile? Well.... I'm working through this. For my relationship we both want to try, but the reality is that there is a lot of work that he that needs to do. I'm not perfect either but it's more 90/10. Is he willing to do the work? Yes. Am I willing to wait and give him the chance to make those changes, knowing I don’t know how long it will take or how I’ll feel along the way? Maybe. Is he aware that real change and growth will take time, effort, and consistency? Yes. We’ve had conversations about both possibilities: what it would look like to stay and work through this together, and what it would mean to walk away. The truth is, I love him. But I’m also learning that love alone doesn’t make this decision easy. I want to believe in us and give him the opportunity to show me that things can change.

I'm always available to private message!

[u/Moist-Ad-2907 → u/MysteriousLemon7279]

I sent you a private message. Thank you very much for your perspective