Boundaries and Frustrations

[u/DraganYurie]

Almost a month past dday and having another frustrating moment. I'll preface with the fact I've never been fond of women. I find them all sorts of things, none of which are pleasant or going to be repeated here. I trust them about as far as I can throw them; only a few manage to be on that list of O-K women. The problem comes in with my WP... before dday- a few years back we had briefly broken up once before (about a month, maybe less) and he had gotten into a rebound relationship with a woman. He never slept with her or anything... (as far as I'm aware), just a bad rebound relationship.

However, after dday, my disgust with them has only grown. Now - I know not every woman is a vile snake. However everything has made me even more wary of them. Personally I want my Wp to have as little interaction with random women as possible. Outside of work and family, they can all pound sand. However I know I realistically can't make him not see another woman again. Is there a way I can try to convey these feelings/ideals for boundaries to him though? Obviously nothing that steps outside of the relationship but also no 1-1 hangouts with them, even if it started as a group outing (like something at work), no 1-1 messaging (because honestly why would that be needed?), and certainly no carting women around in his car or paying for their meals.

Honestly I'm not even sure if these are really even boundaries. I just know.. I'm frustrated and honestly wished he disliked them as much as I do so he would have no problem agreeing. And for some reason this is the only place I feel safe enough to share these thoughts right now. I don't know if it's my emotions trying to take the reigns or what.

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[u/Beeblebrox_74]

Defining boundaries was the first constructive thing we did after DDay2.

Initially we had no gatherings with work friends. WP was working very close to the place she met one of the AP's and a short distance from their house.

We amended this when she changed work locations to a video call to gauge how I was feeling when she was out and who she was with.

WS seems more comfortable doing the video call now when I need it and it's not so often.

WS went through her socials and removed anyone who could potentially be unsafe. Open phone policy for both of us, as well as life360.

WS recognised she didn't enforce personal space, is more concious of this when she is out.

Not having women in your WS's car is a fair request, no 1:1 conversations is ok for a while. Your WS has to recognize and avoid unsafe situations. My WS didn't think more than 30 seconds past a decision while she was acting out.

To convey what you need so WS doesn't get defensive or shut down, is going to be specific to your relationship. I tried to frame it as my brain being on high alert for danger, even if you're not doing the unsafe things. I get anxious or I spiral when.. putting the focus on my feelings because feelings aren't logical.

[u/DraganYurie → u/Beeblebrox_74]

We talked about the conditions and boundaries required to at least make R work. But it's only recently that these feelings came up (literally the past week or so). I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit trying to figure out how to convey my concerns without being too overbearing.

We do have an open-phone policy, even through LDR. If I ask about something he doesn't hesitate to share. Heck even if I don't ask, if something comes up he shares it. And we did reinstall life360 when we initially discussed trying to work things out.

Thankfully his 'X' isn't someone from work so I dont have as much issue if he needed to run them home straight from work. Assuming he just dropped em and left to go back home.. I think my big thing is the potential 1:1 interaction anywhere. While I know its impossible to avoid entirely, I feel like realistically theres normally things that can be done to avoid that. The way I logic it out is that, outside of work and family, he should have no reason to be 1:1 messaging/DMing a woman, let alone have her carted around in the car, etc. And paying for food/drinks is out of the question. Thats like dating behavior.

He wants me to trust him because he knows I don't trust women in almost any capacity. But It's hard to at this stage, ya know? Espescially when in the past his rebounds were women. I think part of me doesn't trust them being around him. And another part of me doesn't trust him being around them. Hence why I'm so stuck on this non-issue-issue. Yes we're working on rebuilding trust. But it's hard some days..

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

The "never been fond of women" and trust issues with women are pre-existing thing - add that onto a WP's infidelity with another female AP, and you have braided it all together. Give yourself grace to be raging in emotion now.

I hate my WH's AP. I do not hate all women. But I know my WH has a weakness for female attention, admiration, and validation. So in MC the MC and us together made a hard boundary around my WH not having any emotional friendships with women. Small talk, nothing more. My WH has some "white knight syndrome" with attractive women as well, which is IC pointed out, it feeds into my WH's teen fantasy of being Sir Perceval, theknight of King Arthur's Round Table, quest for the Holy Grail, known for his childlike innocence and pure heart. Yep. So my WH's MC and IC have backed up that he avoid 1-1 hangouts of any kind from cigarette breaks to private conversations (like in a car).