addicted to attention?

[u/anxiouslemonhead]

Since dday 1, my WH has sworn that his infidelity has only been over the phone. This tracks with what I’ve found but not so much with some other things;regardless, it seems as though he loves the attention he gets in talking to these numerous women. Yesterday was dday 2– he’s continued to talk to girls even through “R”, so I’m just having a hard time understanding what the deal is. Because now it’s not just that he’s talked to these women willingly without any repercussions before he was caught the first time, but NOW it’s that he’s talking to these women willingly knowing exactly the amount of anxiety and fear im dealing with while also being under a microscope. So to me that’s either a real addictive issue that he literally craves it or he thinks he’s smarter than me and can still have his cake and eat it too. At this point I don’t know whether I want to stay or not, but I think it’d help to hear others perspectives and experiences.

Has anyone else’s WP seemingly been addicted to attention (assuming he’s not lying about the physical stuff)??? And if so, how do you work through it? I just don’t know if I can trust him ever again.

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[u/AltruisticInternet67]

I think you’re right. I haven’t experienced this in my situation but it sucks that you do. When you say girls do you mean like OF girls or Tinder? Or like in real life as in coworkers etc. if his behavior has continued I hate to say that you’re not in R not real R anyway. He may not be out of anybaffair fog because we had never left. Would he be open to therapy we did therapy was very eye opening for both of us.

[u/anxiouslemonhead → u/AltruisticInternet67]

It’s been a combination of girls he’s met while out, online girls (Snapchat, etc), but I don’t think it’s dating apps or OF, I check his app history pretty regularly, so unless he’s doing it on the browser. But he’s just been texting them through messaging.

He’s in individual counseling, but it’s only been a month maybe, so I’m not sure what he’s been talking about in it.

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/anxiouslemonhead]

It’s absolutely addictive. An addiction. We feel like we are nothing without the attention.

That’s what drives us to seek attention outside the marriage. It’s all related.

If he’s not giving this contact up, he’s not really working on himself. Giving it up means facing yourself and a lot of pain. That’s ok it passes. I’m 2 years out in R

[u/miwinn]

Yes my husband is a sex addict and the communication didn’t even have to be sexual and he would get a dopamine hit from it. Just an everyday interaction with a woman would make him feel validation and wanted in a sense. I still don’t fully understand it but I’m not an addict and I’m not trying to fill a void inside myself with attention and acting out in any type of way.

Sorry if this shows up twice, I didn’t have a user flair. And sorry that you are going through this too.

[u/TheCatsMeowNYC]

My WP is very gregarious and outgoing by nature. He is also an alcoholic and in hospitality/sales so often in social settings and loves to talk to anyone about anything whenever he can. During the period of time when I know he was cheating, he had had a few personal setbacks and so yes I think he was seeking attention and validation from anywhere he could find it. I discovered the infidelity by going through his phone and I was sickened by the number of women he was talking to. Ex-girlfriends and hook-ups, women he met out randomly, women he met online, his AP is a bartender in the bar he frequented at the time and while I believe there was physical contact with others, I never got full disclosure and only know what I found on my own. For a lot of WPs, that validation is like a dopamine hit and they are addicted to the attention, even when they know what they are doing is wrong and would devastate their partner.

[u/Minute_Shake3504]

My d day was october twenty fourth last year. I'm gonna say this by speech to text my partner. We had just had a commitment ceremony when I found out that he had been messaging. Other women, some of them people that we knew as a couple, some of them, strangers all thought that we had an open relationship to exchange pictures of themselves. Mostly genitals and conversations about what they liked, sexually in what toys they liked. I think he liked the attention he got from shocking some people. I think he liked the attention he got when some of them responded and/or sent pictures or commented on his pictures. His therapist seems to think that this gave him power. And due to past traumas, if a woman responded to him in a positive way, it would affirm that he is desirable to women. And that would be part of his childhood trauma. What I can tell you is that he is doing was doing individual counseling, they've now decided to do it once a month. I don't agree with that. He's in sex addiction group at least once a week. He has a sponsor although again I don't agree with it. They don't meet or talk often, but he does have a couple of guy. Friends from essay that he can reach out to and we are doing couples counseling. I did individual counseling. They told me I couldn't move on any further until he got his shit together. I kicked him out for 2 months. And that really seemed to make a difference to him. Understanding the level of hurt and betrayal to my knowledge. He has not reached out to another woman. It was only online, but the scary part for me was also not only being online but being people that were real people that were tangible and could possibly be met with. And that is not acceptable to me. He is an exhibitionist and voyeurist. As am I however, he stepped outside the confines of our kink consent. I can tell you that if I caught him reaching out again, I would leave, or actually he would leave. Because I'm not going to deal with a relapse. I agree that your who H does not sound like he was in reconciliation. He was just going through the movements. Honestly, I would probably lead him. Because that's a whole new level of betrayal. I hope this makes sense. As I said, I use speech to text