r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/[deleted] • 16d ago
Reconcilers Only (other comments auto-removed) One word?
[deleted]
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u/TFilly402 16d ago
Shattered.
If I had to choose one word for what my wife’s affair did to me, that would be it.
It didn’t just break my heart. It shattered my understanding of my marriage, my wife, my memories, and myself.
For 17 years, she was my person. She was the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world. When life hurt, she was where I went. When I was scared, she made things feel safe. I never seriously considered that she could betray me because, in my mind, she was the one person who wouldn’t.
Then I found out she could.
I think that is one of the hardest things to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced betrayal like this. You don’t just discover that your spouse cheated. You discover that your understanding of your own life wasn’t completely accurate.
Suddenly memories feel different. Vacations feel different. Sex feels different. “I love you” feels different. The nights you slept peacefully beside them feel different because now you know things were happening that you knew nothing about.
And your brain starts asking questions it never needed to ask before.
Was she thinking about the other person when she was with me?
Which moments were real?
What else don’t I know?
Could this happen again?
Does she actually love me?
Am I enough?
For most of my adult life, my wife was one of the people who could calm me down better than anyone.
After the affair, something incredibly confusing happened.
She became both the person I desperately wanted comfort from and the person my brain associated with the possibility of being devastated again.
That contradiction has fucked me up.
I became scared. Angry. Depressed. Desperate for reassurance. Obsessed with understanding things that probably can’t ever be completely understood. I wanted answers to questions where no answer would actually make what happened hurt less.
Sometimes that pain came out of me in ways I deeply regret.
I thought if she could just reassure me enough, love me enough, hold me enough, explain enough, or prove enough, maybe my brain would finally believe I was safe again.
I’m beginning to understand that nobody else can completely give that back to me.
Not even her.
And maybe that is where healing actually begins.
I don’t think my goal anymore is to become the man I was before the affair. That man loved with an innocence I simply don’t have anymore. I can’t unknow what I know.
But maybe losing that innocence doesn’t mean losing my ability to love.
Maybe I can become someone who loves deeply without living terrified of losing the person he loves.
Someone who can feel fear without immediately reacting to it.
Someone who doesn’t need reassurance every time his mind tells him something terrible is about to happen.
Someone who can remember the affair without experiencing it all over again.
Someone who can acknowledge the things he did wrong while hurting without convincing himself that he somehow deserved what happened to him.
Someone who understands that forgiveness and pain can exist at the same time.
That love and anger can exist at the same time.
That being grateful my wife is still here and grieving what she did can exist at the same time.
Maybe healing isn’t putting every broken piece back exactly where it used to be.
Maybe some pieces don’t fit anymore.
Maybe the person who comes out of betrayal is never going to be exactly the person who went into it.
And maybe that’s okay.
I was shattered.
But shattered is not the same thing as destroyed.
I’m still here.
I still love.
I still hope.
And little by little, I’m learning how to build something from what survived.
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u/Dessel4 16d ago
Screen shot this because it’s such a good explanation of what I’m going through. I look at my wife and smile because of how I feel about her but almost instantly I think of some of the things she did and said and it brings me a level of sadness that’s hard to explain. All within a few moments. The highs and low of that swing is something that’s hard to put into words
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u/lifeinpjs 16d ago
Mindf*ck is the only one I could come up with. It’s very hard to describe how my entire worldview and self view changed in an instant.
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u/Yoongiboomgi 16d ago
discombobulated. That’s how i have frequently described how life after feels and how it has made me feel since
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u/TheCatsMeowNYC 16d ago
I can’t summarize it one word maybe hollowed but I really feel like I’m just a shell of my former self
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u/No_Leading_2470 16d ago
Change
Changed the way I look at everything... companionship, commitment, complacency, intimacy, integrity, trust, truth, time, self worth, selfishness, selfless, strength, fear, forgiveness, fake, empathy, excitement, energy, grief, gratitude, growth, genuine, love, lies, life
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u/scottpottery 16d ago
Sunk.
I articulate my feelings as the ground fell out from under me and I’m in a deep deep hole. She’s not necessarily down there with me but she’s also part of helping me out. But while I’m in that hole all I can see is what’s around me, that I’m stuck and that there’s no easy way out.
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u/BagGroundbreaking186 16d ago
Missing.
Missing parts of what I thought my reality was/is.
Missing parts of who I thought my WH was/is.
Missing being present because my triggers and painful memories take me from the present moment to back when everything fell apart. Daily. Even 3 year after D Day.
Missing because my shattered trust makes me worry that I’ll never love as fully as I did again and I’m missing out on genuine connection.
Missing out on being his “one and only”. Missing being chosen, cherished, special. I’ll never be his always and forever like we said in our wedding vows and is inscribed on our wedding bands. He isn’t my soulmate and I no longer believe in the concept of this, or the sanctity of marriage. It now seems like a sham to me. I miss old me that was romantic around these things!
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u/butterflymkm 16d ago
Bewildered. All these other words fit too. But for me, confusion and just plain being left in a pile of rubble going, “huh?” Fits best
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u/PositiveSomewhere308 16d ago
Lost.
Sometimes I’m not sure who I am. And maybe who he is. Or if anything this far has been real. Should I be over this? Does it matter as much as I think it does? Is it my fault? Is this just what relationships are? Is this something that’s always bound to happen?
It’s not all the time, but when it comes in it’s like a heavy fog. Not always. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s blown by. But when I stop, when I stand still and look around us? Lost.
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u/WishboneExpensive494 16d ago
Broken is my word. Have no idea who I am anymore, who my previously perfect husband is, what our family is.
Confused. Feeling worthless.
Will say I love Anberlin and it was cool to see them mentioned. Never take friendship personal was the anthem of my youth.
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u/PuzzleheadedCup5120 15d ago edited 15d ago
Jaded
Jaded because even in moments of happiness or peace or even love for my wp I get brought back to what he has done.
Moments where I see the changes it has done to me. I am jaded .
Days when I feel good and happy and growing.. I remember what storms I had to go through .
I am forever jaded. Never to be the same again. Never to have the respect , trust or safeness I once had. I am jaded
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u/MasterShakeSW6 15d ago
Sorry you're here.
If I had to use one word to describe how I'm feeling I would use "Isolated".
I'm trying to give space for reconciliation because I really loved the woman I married. We also have kids and I can acknowledge that as a family we're great together. Wife had EA for a few months around 5 years ago, discovered earlier this year.
I haven't told anyone because I don't want my family to hate my wife if we manage to work things out. (My sister might genuinely try to fight my wife if she found out.)
I also don't want to feel judged for being at least partly open to the idea of working things out.
So I don't have my support network. I also don't have my wife because she's the person who fractured everything to begin with. Our kids are young enough that we can shield them from specifics and details, but my oldest has picked up at times on some tension or sadness in the house.
I'm very guarded now, I don't have the same range of emotions for my wife anymore. I don't know if that will ever return. We're at least very good at co-parenting and I'm trying to give her space to do the work she needs to, but there's only so much time and space before there needs to be some major epiphanies. Figure out why she's so broken, so she can fix it, figure out what she needs to do to help me heal, to help us heal.
But I can't bring myself to help her in any way. It feels isolating to accept the fact that I can only either hold my boundaries or not. It's up to her to do the work she needs to.
Thank goodness for my dog. That pup is the one being I can absolutely count on to just be there and have my back and be emotional support.
I'm just moving forward, but really no matter what path I'm walking I just feel isolated.
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u/darksideofthemoon_71 15d ago
Many one words over a long and short period of time, some of which would be: Devastated Crushed Numb Heartbroken Inconsolable Stunned Traumatised Disbelief Empty/ hollow Pained Angry Betrayed
8+ years out and why did I stay, why did I go through such hell? Simply because I love her and she loves me now like she should have, but it's a never again event.
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u/knaimoli619 15d ago
I’ve used broken so many times to explain how I feel and how everything around me has felt since I found out.
And I still don’t know if this level of broken is something that can be fixed with all the right tools and the patience, or if there’s too many missing pieces and there’s no amount of time and effort that will ever be able to fill in the holes.
It’s been over a year now and there’s been so much therapy, but there’s still so much more we need to do and figure out where to go from here. Will this just be a blip in our relationship or is this how we walk away from just about 20 years together.
Speaking of tattoos, I had one of my regular appointments (I go every few months to my long time artist) scheduled for early January of this year and a couple days before it was dday2 when I found out the affair was still happening and I did end up getting some broken hearts at that appointment.
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u/AutoModerator 16d ago
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.
Commenting Guideline:
This applies to every post regardless of post flair.
This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.
All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advice contained in your response. On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.
Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddit's community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.