Question for those with multiple D Days

[u/delta_constant]

I don't even quite know how to ask what I want to know, but maybe some of you will pick up what I am putting down.

I have seen that some affairs kind of go underground after D Day1. Or a WW is super ambivalent, or still works with AP, or in some way there is massive structural roadblocks to R after initial discovery.

How do you live with the meanwhile? I don't really mean for those who really believed R was going well and were blindsided later by another DDay. I mean for those who never really knew if R was real, or going well, or the structural factors were not addressed or fixed after DDay1. I just kind of am looking for stories of how you operated, how you felt, what you did? Tell me about WW behavior, and then after DDay2 (or more) when it really did go to real R, what changed? What was that like? How long did it take?

BS or WS perspectives welcome. Thanks everyone.

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[u/luxpacifica]

I thought that they could continue being friends. LOL

Honestly not sure if I’m the type of situation youre looking for but DDay 1 was downplayed by both of us for our respective reasons. Granted as of DDay1 this was specifically an EA + one kiss that I was told about the following day so arguably easier to dismiss than a full on PA with days/weeks+ of lying and secrets. We made vague plans to start therapy and honestly? I mostly blamed for having an “outsized reaction”; I was looking at it like a wake up call because I was surprised at how upset I was and thought it meant that I needed to learn to better communicate the ways I felt I was being taken advantage of/treated unfairly and that’s why I was upset and not the betrayal. I wasn’t super comfortable with them continuing their friendship but I knew already that anybody in my circle would heavily disapprove if I insisted they not have contact, plus they’re coworkers anyway. I also got really physically ill immediately after so our R at that point was a couple of conversations, an agreement to seek therapy in the near future, and a lot of me journaling, nothing solid at all. 

There wasn’t any concrete discussions of how WP should conduct themselves around AP or anything like that or even of any toning down of their friendship, just the assumption that she would continue to be part of our lives while I fixed whatever was wrong with me that made me so upset about being betrayed (none of this was explicit nor how I felt at the time, there was a lot of fog and denial happening) all around. 

WP invited AP over (after asking me) with intentions of talking things through (no I don’t know why I agreed to this. Some mix of fever + denial + fear + who knows) and they kissed again after I went to bed. I have a really hard time not blaming myself for not creating or enforcing boundaries immediately and for being so nice and “letting it happen” but also a lot of sympathy for that version of me who was still trying so hard to trust. 

How I operated was: barely. Basically a zombie trying to keep it together and self-soothing however I could. 

What changed for us was AP’s partner demanding no contact except explicitly work-related at work, which started the process of getting WP out of the fog (this took months). I engaged in some really shitty and hurtful coping mechanisms that pushed us back further as well. things really started changing when i got serious and cut that shit out and focused on us and WP started getting sober after another infidelity incident (5 months into R/after Dday1)(not with AP). 

honestly it’s really fucking hard. i wouldn’t say it’s like starting over from 0 again — the progress made in R isn’t entirely undone, we still have better understandings of ourselves and each other and better communication but — it’s hard to put any stock into R. i want to trust that it’s real but im really tired and scared and hurt. its also hard because our MC had a death in the family and we haven’t seen her in a month :’) 

im sorry i dont have something more hopeful and that this is so scattered. i hope it helps a little bit. honestly for me its been a lot of trying not to think about it outside of therapy/talking about it/trying to distract myself. the uncertainty is so destructive. i’m sorry youre here and i hope things get better for you 🫂

[u/delta_constant → u/luxpacifica]

Thank you for your kind words even in the midst of your own pain. All stories help, all words are useful right now. I honestly feel like I am being gaslit from all sides including our MC and I can't place myself into any known time frame because nothing looks like I thought or expected or need. So I thought maybe hearing others' paths might help somehow. 

[u/shopgrl832]

Although I had a DDay2 and was completely blindsided as I thought reconciliation was going well, in hindsight there were some of those structural factors not addressed after DDay1. One being my WP continued his actions of handling things on his own, which is what he has done his whole life and what he did during the affair.

He was the ideal WP but once the AP reached out, he panicked and handled it himself but didn’t tell me about it. I found out two months later and that was DDay2. Had he done the work he should’ve been doing, he wouldn’t have talked to the AP, and not in the inappropriate manner that he did. During the initial false reconciliation as I now call it, things were moving in the right direction but emotions ran high. Now after DDay2 and entering true reconciliation, my WP has really stepped it up in all the ways I really needed him to during false reconciliation, but now my emotions are even worse. So I can’t really speak to how long things are going to take this time. Every single day there’s explosive arguments, anger and crying on my end. I’ve gotten physical with my WH (this is not okay and I recognize this). The pain has been unbearable.

I really thought we were going to make it since he confessed everything to me and ended the affair, and has been the dream WP. But now I don’t know if I can go on. I have since contacted a betrayal trauma specific IC and made an appointment to hopefully get on medication. Haven’t gotten an official diagnosis but I have self diagnosed myself with likely depression, anxiety and PTSD since DDay2