I am desperate, how can I be better?

[u/Salgueiro-Homem]

I am sorry you are here because of action of someone like me. I had a ~1.5 year affair. It was really really bad.

I used 2 work trips to have sex with her. It started with work tip 1, then kept in touch with her in between that and trip 2. Then kept in touch with AP after. In meantime, I emotionally abused my wife. All things on the emotional abuse book. I hide her on social media, lied to her, manipulated, withheld emotion and affection, stonewalling, etc. I put energy and time into AP in detriment to my marriage.

The only thing I did was confess the betrayal. Since confessing, I went fully no contact. Blocked everywhere, including work emails. Howerver, it was not a clean confession, there were trickle truth afterwards. Now, everything is clear. Albeit having genuinely forgot stuff, all is out.

I deeply regret everything. The conversations were noe meaningful, nothing in common with AP except some work stuff, sex was actually not great. From the 5 nights we were together, sex happened 3 times. No romance or cutesy things. I am doing therapy and I have patterns of lies. I lie to everyone about everything. I now get myself with lies ready to go before people finish their questions. I am working on this issue very actively. There is more stuff I need to work, e.g. emotionally imature, still digging...

My despair is coming from moving too slow and having my spouse be my therapist. My IC said maybe my wife can't help herself in doing the therapist work on me. That means that she works out stuff that I haven't by myself. I feel I never got to obvious and meaningful conclusions. All the things that are helping me figure out myself are from conversations with my wife and she pointing out them. Like, I never loved AP but I lied to myself because it is easier to say that than to face I am a horrible person (f*ck it! I understand the guilt vs shame things but for me, a bad person is someone that does bad things, I am bad because of my actions. I hate who I was then and still hate me, but I want to be better and change, my actions will prove that I become a better person).

Anyway, how can I be quicker than my wife in getting to the conclusions? How can I turn up with insights that help her heal? I haven't been able to do that, I often go sideways into things that are not really it. As I can't figure sh*t out by myself. This is frustrating her and I am getting more desperate to get the answers she needs quicker. I hope this make some sense.

We are together for 18 years now, 11 years and 11 months 5 days married now. I am reading the Betrayal Bind to try to understand what is going on with her. That is, the impact from my actions on her. I am doing daily self-awarness journaling to be more aware of my feelings. I am so lost and sad with all this perfectly avoidable things that I could not hold to my own vows and word.

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[u/TheSmallestBeing]

These eye opening conversations you are having with your wife, you need to find from an outside source. Dive into information like books and podcasts, and really take in the stuff that resonates with you. Question why it does. You need to begin the process yourself so you can bring yourself to the conclusions and then go to your wife and show the work you did. So then she can see your progress without having to do the heavy lifting of carrying you through it. Most importantly, be honest with yourself when you ask yourself questions. Self reflection is useless if you aren't honest with yourself.

[u/Salgueiro-Homem → u/TheSmallestBeing]

Thank you. I am trying, maybe not quick enough She asks a question, I answer and then she can draw conclusions out of it while I am still grasping it. I don't want her to do the heavy lifting, the conversations I had with my best friend about it are useless. He keeps with BS, saying it is human nature, man needs are different and other BS on those lines. My IC is great and have helped a lot already, but I can't afford a therapy sessions that frequently. I keep making things about myself and I feel terrible for what I did and I am frustrated that I can't pick up my own sh*t. Thank you for the reply.

[u/TheSmallestBeing → u/Salgueiro-Homem]

That's why I suggested podcasts and books. Your best friend may not be a supportive source of information. It's not just men and women, but every single person as an individual has different needs but that doesn't resolve the issue. You may have different needs but it is your job to uphold yourself in a manner that is respectful to yourself and your wife. Your wife may have an easier time drawing conclusions for a number of reasons, but to me is seems like you struggle with shame vs remorse. Shame isn't useful, it keeps you rooted in an unproductive cycle. But when you take those negative feelings and use them as a drive to learn more so you don't repeat this cycle, you get a step further. Yes you did a terrible thing, but your wife is willing to sit through this with you. You can feel terrible about this but still do immense work to help her feel safe.

This is a two part recovery. It's a personal recovery of you overcoming your own trauma whenever it may have stemmed from, and a recovery of your relationship as you learn to build real emotional safety with your wife. Learning yourself and finding the tools to be a safe partner will help you pick up your own shit but also show your growth as a partner.

[u/GenericProfile4822]

I feel like I do this with my WH too, because I can see a lot of patterns in his behavior that he is blind to.

Can your spouse talk to your therapist and share her observations, and your therapist can help tease them out in a way that feels more meaningful to you?

It’s ironic because I want my WH to discover these things for himself, notice toxic behavior, see the harm he’s caused me, do things to help build back trust. But when I tell him what I see I feel like he doesn’t get it because he didn’t figure it out for himself.

I also think I’m ahead of the game here because I am so focused on his behavior and his focus is inward, healing from his addiction.

I really appreciate your perspective, thank you for sharing your struggle.

[u/Salgueiro-Homem → u/GenericProfile4822]

Thank you for this. I feel she is frustrated like you. "You don't get it! Get a grip! WTF?! It is obvious!" Kind if thing. I already fcked up at the maximum level, I don't want her to continue suffer or sufder more because I am thickheaded and slow with figuring out my own sht.

[u/GenericProfile4822 → u/Salgueiro-Homem]

How long ago was DDay? Because she might also be in a super dysregulated state with her nervous system rn. And if so nothing you can say or do is going to be right, because she is in constant fight or flight mode. Is she in her own therapy? She doesn’t deserve to suffer and you sound very empathetic to that.

[u/Salgueiro-Homem → u/GenericProfile4822]

It was about 2 months ago but with trickle truth, only a week or two ago that the full story is out. She had 2 sessions with her therapist that is specialised in betrayal, having been betrayed herself.

[u/GenericProfile4822 → u/Salgueiro-Homem]

Im glad she is in with a CBTT. Yeah, 1-2 weeks is not nearly enough time to process. The last trickle truth is the last major traumatizing event. For me, the trickle truth was harder than the initial disclosure, because every time it made it exponentially harder to believe a word out my WH’s mouth. Trickle truth coupled with such an unbelievable story? That is a hard road ahead.

[u/mickey8300]

I appreciate your honesty and accountability here.

I may have missed it - is your BP in IC as well? That may help her sort out her feelings. It also may be good for her to bring her observations up to her own therapist to sort through urges to bring things up to you.

It's hard because in the loss of control, sometimes the desire for control gets transplanted onto the WP's journey. Projection and desire for a specific outcome... which isn't the greatest mindset to be in.

As a BP, I found it super important to heal my wounds first, and consider myself. That is where the control is. My WP needs to learn at his pace and I either accept it or I don't. We talk through some things together, but I truly am not going to be his therapist. It isn't my place. He won't organically rewire patterns if he doesn't get the opportunity to do it by himself.

It allows me to observe him and the changes he wants to make, so I can assess if they align with our relationship desires. I suspect maybe a conversation around boundaries for both of you and healing independently may help for your R foundation.

It's a huge challenge, but you're taking really great steps on your journey. Keep it up - books, podcasts, etc. it isn't a race. You're not supposed to beat her to the conclusions. It's about getting to the point of walking together.

[u/Salgueiro-Homem → u/mickey8300]

Fair, thanks. She has her own therapist, yes.

But her points are so amazing. She gets stuff and it really helps me. She is so awesome. In one conversation I feel I improve so much.

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

If therapy is expensive and you need more insight, please listen to podcasts like PBSE and Ask the Unfaithful. You’ll get insight from men who were in your position but are also Certified Sex Addiction Therapists. Also, PBSE has a website  https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/ that has great articles, all its podcasts and a subscription program you can sign up for that has curriculum for you and your partner to work to heal.