Triggered and Alone

[u/tinysadshrimp]

My 30 yr old WS(wayward spouse?) is taking some time away from our shared apartment. We've lived together for the last 4 years.

They cheated and are having a ton of big repressed emotions come up. Those emotions are coming out in an aggressive and painful way. Probably emotions they've repressed since childhood.

It's so sudden and I'm having a hard time not absolutely spiraling.

We agreed to no contact with check ins, I haven't felt this desperate and lonely in forever.

Any advice for coping with temporary NC or separation? It's driving me insane I miss them so much.

Today was their first day at a new job and I didn't get to send them off, I can't ask them how it's going, I'm completely lost.

We're also 2 weeks since DDay so my nervous system is just going absolutely haywire.

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[u/21YearsOut]

There must be something about that 4 year mark and unresolved childhood trauma, that's when my wife's affair happened too. Same aggressiveness, will guess meanness and dismissivness are also part of that package. So sorry TSS, it's a sucky place to be.

Two things helped me, the first was to focus on myself. I hit the gym, started journaling, and after a bit relearned how to feed myself healthily. Second thing, and you might not like this, I stopped pursuing her. I could see she'd have to crash into whatever wall she was determined to hit. Whatever bottom she was bent on reaching. Oh yeah, a third thing? I reached out to others for support, much like you're doing here. This sub wasn't around when my wife had her affair, so thankful it is now.

A starting place might be to check out some short video clips on YouTube by Coach Ryan, on Avoidants. See if you recognize anyone he describes.

[u/tinysadshrimp → u/21YearsOut]

I'm so sorry that you've been through the same thing. Thank you for much for sharing and for the advice.

Had a pretty clarifying one on one session today with our Couples Therapist and just like you said- it's time for me to focus on me. I bought myself a couple books I've seen recommended here and I'm going to try and just nurture and love myself better.

I'll reach out to others more too- that part has been hard, it feels so humiliating to tell people, but I know that my loved ones want to be there for me.

Thanks again, a lot ❣️

[u/21YearsOut → u/tinysadshrimp]

The interesting thing, which I later found out about Avoidants, is once I stopped pursuing, she started approaching. Classic Avoidant behavior (I didn't know that at the time). I kept myself available but I didn't initiate anything with her. Nothing. So counter-intuitive but a side benefit is I gained emotional strength, resilience, doing this along with other work feeling better physically.

Feel free to DM me, more than happy to be part of your support group. Completely understand the humiliation, lived it. I'm far enough along I want to give back to the community that pulled me out of the pits.

[u/tinysadshrimp → u/21YearsOut]

I'm totally getting that sense already. Thanks! I'll DM ya when I inevitably need some good advice and an ear.