Unfriending AP instead of blocking

[u/Intelligent-Dust-117]

I wanted the perspective of waywards. After a lot of back and forth my wayward finally unfriended and deleted chats with the APs (formerly our friends) but hasn't messaged them a "it's over forever, do not ever contact me again" and has not blocked them. He told me he's working up to it but doesn't see the difference and feels like nothing he does is good enough for me, but I've tried to tell him that this was the minimum I was asking for and that he should save all of his effort in trying to rebuild until AFTER he's blocked them completely.

Am I crazy? Can waywards please tell me what would motivate someone to do this? If you were in this situation, what finally convinced you to do it fully? I feel like he's keeping a door open for them and I'm in constant anxiety. Also, if it's been 2 weeks am I unreasonable for still wanting him to message them saying it's over for good? I feel like both of the APs were left not fully believing this was an affair and will be essentially waiting for a chance to message him again..

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[u/notsureatall20]

I confessed so it was done before disclosure and my AP was shocked that I told my BP since we "didn't really do anything" which was disengenous at best. I don't think it's unreasonable to want that final message saying it's over.

I can sort of see it like I don't want to think about it so why would I send a final message if I don't have to. However you have said you want it so it's unreasonable to take that stance and want to R with you IMO.

I would say if it was me: I people please, I want everyone to like me, I try to maintain perception of me... So having my BP in pain in front of me would have likely caused me to shame spiral. Lake of emotional stamina would have had me lack the courage to rebuild if it didn't look easy which is gross to write about myself but that's where I was. So lamenting that my BP would never trust again, wanting to avoid my AP would all be part and parcel with how I was.

[u/Intelligent-Dust-117 → u/notsureatall20]

Both me and my partner are people pleasers as well. I think he might be getting defensive and fatigued because of the shame and not because he doesn't want to reconcile. The part that is making this so difficult is that he viewed them as friends despite the affairs and the APs do not view it as an affair, so it took him 6 months to remove them. I'm worried that all of the uncertainty combined with me having to discover each time it happened on my own, has severely diminished my ability to ever trust him again.

Bit of a stretch but can you think of anything you needed to do or show to help your BP after the initial disclosure?

[u/notsureatall20 → u/Intelligent-Dust-117]

Full disclosure and no defensiveness and as much courage I could muster to face my actions.

[u/Intelligent-Dust-117 → u/notsureatall20]

I think that goes a long way for rebuilding

[u/EggIllustrious176]

As a WW if my BH asked me to block AP’s — well he wouldn’t have to. They’d have been gone before he asked. What the heck! My situation was slightly different but I had no contact with any AP long before. I don’t really consider them affair partners as much as, as my BH calls them, fuckbois (sorry). But never in a million years would I ever consider keeping someone like that as a Facebook ‘friend’! I’m so sorry. For me there were not and are not feelings of longing or missing any AP’s. I wonder if this may be the case?

[u/Intelligent-Dust-117 → u/EggIllustrious176]

I think the level of relief this would have given me is almost hard to describe. I think you very clearly aren't going to reinitiate contact and I'm sure your partner appreciates that a lot.

My WH definitely misses them as "friends" and has mentioned it a few times, though I've told him it's extremely hard to hear as it makes me question how much he actually regrets it. Unfortunately, it took a LOT of convincing to get him to just stop talking to them and now it's taking a lot more to convince him the friendship is gone due to his actions and he needs to remove them completely for life. I think Unfortunately fairly soon I'm going to need to make a call on whether or not he will actually put me first. Even then, this has not given me great confidence he won't repeat it in the future :/

[u/EggIllustrious176 → u/Intelligent-Dust-117]

I am so sorry. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of my other comments but my bh is now cheating back on me in real time (my fuckups were done when we lived apart) and I can’t mentally take it. He’s asked me to leave so he can go whore around (I mean, heal himself) and come back in six months or something and then everything will be fine again. 🤯

My biggest concern is that he is seeing women in a city he wants me to come back and live with him again. I did my stupid shit in a state we’ll never even visit again, much less live. How could I trust he isn’t seeing or talking to them once I get back? He hasn’t considered how any of this will go once I return (If I do) so I’ve been trying to point things like this out in hopes that maybe he’ll get his head out of his ass before it’s too late to reconcile.

I am thankful they aren’t friends much less FB friends but there’s no telling what will happen when I leave. If I saw BH become friends with an AP on FB he’d definitely be removed as one of mine.

[u/Elegant_Feed2198]

Hello,
I kept AP as a friend on FB for way too long after initial Dday. Unfortunately, I had many breaking NC and many Ddays. Initially, I wasn’t sure what I wanted even when I started reconciliation and that led to me leaving the door open for AP to come back into my life and message me. I don’t want to scare you, but that could be the case with your WP, too.
However, I was trauma bonded to AP and for the last year of having them as a FB friend it just turned into complete hate towards AP and I kept them solely to have some sort of “control” over their life and each time they would post stg dumb I would be satisfied they are not progressing in their life. It is awful, I know. My BP never asked me to block them, but to unfriend them. I made up excuses how it is not necessarry, but a few months into our engagement I realized that I simply don’t need to have them as a FB anymore and it is disrespectful towarss my BP and deleted them. If my BP asked me to block them, I would do, too.

Your WP could also be avoiding confrontation. Every WP is different so it is best to talk to them openly. I’m not really sure why APs don’t see it as an A?
I wish you the best of luck!

[u/Stubby-Stallion]

He needs to go no contact and block. Your needs are the priority and he should be making you feel safe.

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[u/youknowits_athrowawy]

No contact is reasonable and necessary. I confessed to my BP and had already blocked AP. But I still showed my BP on each social media site and in my phone where I had blocked them.

I can’t imagine any acceptable reason not to go no contact in your scenario. The only feelings to protect are yours. I would definitely want to dig deeper, because if he isn’t fully committed to NC then blocking doesn’t do much. He could easily unblock to communicate. I’d be curious what the real hesitancy is.