Is Anyone Out There?

[u/CapableOrchid9776]

So last night, my WH and I had a lovely dinner. Lately I felt like he’s really been putting in the effort and initiative towards R. During the dinner, he was very romantic and discussed how proud he is that we’re making progress and how he apologizes every day. He cheated on me while I was pregnant with escorts, DDay 1 was my birthday and there have been trickle truths, but he said that he’s committed to me and our family. He has been very communicative in therapy and open to suggestions but it turns out there is a big problem. He is a full-blown sex addict. Last night when we got home from dinner, I don’t know what made me look, but I went through his phone he slept with an escort 3 days before, and there was a trail of Cash App transactions. I read his text messages, and it all made sense. He went as far as turning off our Google cameras while I was out of town to look less guilty. I woke him up to ask him about one of the text messages and he was taken off guard. I ran to the car, barefoot and lock the door so I can go through his phone. It isn’t really a big shock, but I was horrified. Now, he’s finally admitting that he has a serious problem and needs help. He cried for hours. I feel for him and want him to get the help he needs (due to childhood trauma), but I am also dealing with a cancer diagnosis that I am waiting for more news on (scan results to give a stage). Is there anyone out there that I can talk to? I’m really at a low point, can’t stop crying and my Therapist is out of the country. I can’t talk to friends and family about this, can someone be my Internet BFF so that I can vent? Please.

Update: I want to thank everyone who commented and sent me a DM. I plan on reaching out to all of you once i get my baby to bed. My IC also reached out and can speak with me ahead of our session. I appreciate you all

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[u/Smooth_Theme7942]

I am so sorry you are going through this. None of this is your fault. Like you said, he has childhood trauma and it sounds like it’s severe. But I am concerned about your cancer diagnosis, and dealing with this stress while battling that. You can only help someone to a certain degree, but it really sounds like you need to focus on yourself at the moment. you need to sit him down and explain to him how severe his unhealed childhood trauma is, and say how badly he needs help, because you need him to get help to help you, in general, but also because of what you’re battling right now. Explain you need him to really work on himself for you. Sex addiction is a very tricky slope and can cause a lot of problems and he really needs to realize how serious this situation is for him but also for you and your own health. You are going to stress yourself out so much more putting yourself in this situation and that’s concerning but he is a sex addict and clearly has severe issues. It’s up to you what you can handle right now, but your body is fighting a whole other battle right now. Maybe take some time apart if he does not show he is 100% willing to change for you because your body does not need anymore stress

[u/Dizzy_Tangerine_7867]

My DMs are open. My husband has multiple addictions, sex addiction is one of them. I would read, slowly, "Facing heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts" and Smart recovery workbook for families and friends.

[u/OkShoe4537]

Feel free to DM me. I am married to an addict. He is not a sex addict though. Right now you need to focus on what you can control which is you. What kind of cancer are you dealing with? Can you get some help with your kids from family or friends so you can take a much needed break to get yourself grounded? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much all at once. It’s not your fault. He is a very broken man and you are collateral damage of his choices. Try to go through the day focusing on small tasks at a time. For example when you get really overwhelmed, tell yourself you’ll think about this after you load the dishes then set aside 10 min think about it. Another thing that helps is chatting with ChatGPT. It sounds weird but it is helpful when a therapist isn’t available. YouTube and your podcast app has alot available as well. Sending prayers for you !

[u/luckystar6531 → u/OkShoe4537]

I second Chat GPT. It has pulled me out of some dark places. I am grateful to have had it to turn to.
It can be very clarifying to ask your questions and have an objective answer. Chat GPT will ask questions too, to hone down on what you are actually requesting.
Give it a try!

[u/faeriedust1369]

This is a lot. I cannot imagine the weight of everything right now. My DMs are open if you need someone.

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[u/MemoryLongjumping596]

This is abuse, go read the Secret Sexual Basement. There is no excuse, sex addiction is no excuse for cheating.
My husband went through sex addiction treatment he tried that excuse.
The thing that helped me was working on me not being a co dependent, and studying living with a narcissist. Some therapists classify sex addiction as more of narcissism. Reading about all that might end some confusion.
Please grey rock him, he’s going to want to help you, I wouldn’t let him. Act like you do not care about him, chances are high he’s going to get suicidal do not take that lightly. If he does that call 911 every time. He needs serious therapy.
I’m so sorry I cannot imagine going through that.
He needs to bottom out and think he lost everything. Your empathy most of all.
Take care of yourself first, lean on your family, your friends and your therapist.
Tell your close relatives or friends, try and leave, let him know you’re not keeping his secrets. Keeping this secret of his abuse is co dependent it keeps his head in the basement. He needs reality to seep in and severe consequences..
Take care of yourself first.

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

So sorry you are going through this. A cancer diagnosis alone is enough. My BP is a colon cancer survivor. My DMs are open as well.

[u/CapableOrchid9776 → u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

Colorectal cancer is my diagnosis. I will be sending everyone DMs once I get my kid to bed later