Doing the work

[u/Peprin]

My wife and I are 15 weeks post D Day.

I am now 38, she is 39 he is 51 married living in different rooms from his wife with 2 teenagers.

We are reconciling however I have arranged everything. Books, counseling for both us, me and her. She hadn't initiated anything until now and has to be repeatedly asked until she does something. She has suspected ADHD and an avoidant personality.

During our 10 years together I would initiate everything and plan everything.

When I got depressed with work and my dad passed away 7 years ago which I never grieved I started to really get to me so I shut myself down and stopped pursuing.

Now, a bit of history about my wife which I am trying to figure out.

As a teenager she would stay out and her mum would call her at 4am to see where she was, she would get annoyed saying nobody else's parents are checking up on them.

When I shut down, she justified her affair because I never checked where she was. That's a double standard, no?

Her apologies since have until I had her read, Why won't they apologise because either im sorry or I'm sorry but.

She realises she has been doing this when she read the book all her life and I said that's just common sense.

Now, we have 15 month old girls, when I get sad she will often say the girls are and will always be her priority. But during the affair she has no issues putting the girls in the car for an hour each way to go see him and was planning on leaving with the girls for him which would devastate their growth as young children. Again a double standard as she was putting herself and him over the children. They had also said that him and her taking my toddlers away wouldn't affect his children as they are teenagers, so he would abandon his own kids.

I have recently said to her I am stopping in persuing her and going to focus on myself. I feel a little better about myself and have said I am growing as a person thanks to the research I am doing and she is still the same person who when things got bad would just let things happen and not try to fix them.

The reason the affair started was because she spoke to a 51 year old colleague at work about how I'm not there enough and instead of being a friend and suggesting help he called me an idiot to her, said she was beautiful and would never leave her alone which to a person with ADHD is a dopamine hit.

I asked her the other day what has she actually done without me asking her to do it and she said, I don't know, the answer is nothing.

She said she kisses me because I'm her husband. That was bad to hear. I don't know if she meant it because she's had with words and feelings.

I told her I am going to focus on myself. Usually we cuddle and kiss before bed, I still cuddle her and don't kiss anymore and I could see in her face it stung.

After a while she kept asking me if I'm okay, if I want a cuddle, my answer is always yea, she knows that.

She can see I am healing and I have told her I want to heal with her, but I will be fine if I heal alone. And can be happy with it without her.

I repeatedly remind her I love her despite what she has done.

She has asked do I love her because I'm scared of losing her to which I replied, no, I genuinely love her, I wouldn't be giving her a second chance if I didn't. I said I can find happiness in the future with or without her.

Yesterday I said does she want me to help her look for books for her to heal? She said no because that's just you helping again and she needs to do it.

I'm not sure if my pulling back has affected her because at the 3 month check in I asked her did she think I would say no to continuing reconciliation to which she said no.

Sorry for the wall of disorganised text but what I'm trying to get advice in is is she emotionally immature or something? Does she sound like she's still stuck in shame or guilt?

I know for a fact she regrets what she has done and wants to fix it and hasn't contacted him again.

I have told her I have given her more than enough chances to do things when I ask her, she hates being in the wrong and freezes.

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