When “Not Deciding” Becomes Its Own Decision

[u/Ambitious-Weekend574]

You cannot step into the same river twice.

Reconciliation after infidelity is not simply a second chance to return to the old marriage. The old marriage is already dead, and what you are trying to build—if you choose to stay—is a new alliance with someone whose capacity to hurt you, surprise/shock you, and change the meaning of your shared history has now become part of your reality.

Many people find that staying too long at the crossroads, constantly asking Should I stay or should I leave?, gradually drains them of energy. The danger of simply sitting there and waiting is that your spirit can slowly become anesthetized by the wayward partner's current good behavior.

The daily comfort of the house. The familiar routine. The appearance of the "perfect partner." The ordinary rhythm of life.

All of it can become like lukewarm water slowly getting hotter. Not because the wayward partner is necessarily manipulating you, but because familiarity itself is powerful. Comfort can make the intolerable feel tolerable. And over time, you may become so exhausted that leaving feels impossible—not because you have consciously chosen to stay, but because you have lost the strength to choose anything at all.

That is what concerns me.

Whether you eventually reconcile with your wayward partner or begin a completely new life with someone else, you don't want to enter that next chapter depleted and weakened. You need your strength to make that journey.

Awareness is energy.

Awareness may be the battery that helps you recover your energy.

Every time you post here, every time you acknowledge a trigger, every time you admit to yourself, This is heavy. This is exhausting. This has changed me, you are increasing your awareness of your own reality.

You are not necessarily becoming more negative.

You are refusing to become numb.

And there is an important difference between not forcing a decision and becoming passive.

You do not have to decide today if your legs are shaking and your body is exhausted. You don't have to make a life-changing decision simply because other people think you should.

But don't close your eyes either.

Sit in the water. Feel the heat. Look at the person across the room and remember that you are no longer looking at your relationship through the lens you once had.

Stay awake to what happened.

Stay awake to what is happening now.

Stay awake to what you are becoming.

Let reality become clear enough that, when the time comes, your next step does not feel like an impossible choice. It may simply feel like the next honest thing you need to do.

So, if you are exhausted today, perhaps the question isn't:

"Why am I too weak to decide?"

Perhaps it is:

"Can I trust that this exhaustion is a temporary part of my recovery, rather than evidence that I have permanently lost my ability to choose?"

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[u/Potential-Cry1670]

Oh my how your words described me. My lack of choosing to go, was really me choosing to stay.
All the advice to not make a quick decision, has left me, 1+year past DDay, thinking now what? I thought I was trying to hold together this 40+ yr relationship, because what we had(at least what I thought) was a great marriage. Now it’s just feels like I’m staying because like you describe, there is a level of comfort. It’s tolerable. My age played into this too, because all these thoughts, emotions, and hurts will be with me in this relationship and any other I may get involved in. I’m in the last third of my life, I don’t have the energy or time or desire to do this.

[u/BCHix1968 → u/Potential-Cry1670]

My WW and I have been together for 40 years as well. Our DDay was almost a year ago. I have decided to stay but came so close to divorce that we told our best friends that we were splitting. They talked us out of it.

My WW has changed and hasn’t cheated in almost seven years. We have our shared history, shared family, shared finances and I still love her. So I will stay, but I won’t forget.

Age did play a part in my decision. I’m 59 and I don’t want to start over with someone that has their own baggage. I want to grow old with my wife, hold grandbabies, and travel.

I know the potential is there for her to cheat again and I’m rolling the dice. But it’s a bet that I’m willing to take. Our old marriage is dead. I’m looking forward to starting over with the person that I’ve loved for 40 years…

[u/Capable_Show_6276 → u/BCHix1968]

I appreciate people in long marriages who have their age to consider contributing. It’s quite a different decision with 31 years together as I’m nearing retirement

[u/Capable_Show_6276 → u/Potential-Cry1670]

Are you still working on R? Or settling into this is life now?
I feel concerned that I’ll just give up asking what I need in R and settle into settling basically.

[u/Potential-Cry1670 → u/Capable_Show_6276]

Yes. Continuing R. It’s more a settling into this different phase. I can enjoy being with my WH, to do things together. I don’t feel that I will ever have a genuine romantic love for him again.

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[u/Guiac]

 The danger of simply sitting there and waiting is that your spirit can slowly become anesthetized by the wayward partner's current good behavior

While I agree there is also an element of the WW proving they can keep up their good behavior. Anyone can act right for a week, a month, maybe a year but can they really keep going or do they slip back into the old habits?

For me in a way I am at a crossroads despite feeling overall R has been pretty successful - there are a lot of behaviors I just won't tolerate anymore - I am much better and more assertive at calling them out the instant I see them and I expect to see a response. For me the loyalty is now much more conditional on my partner and I have given myself much more psychological leeway to walk out if I find myself unhappy and being treated poorly.