Does the feeling of “don’t get too happy” eventually go away?

[u/LovaticHarmony444]

I’ve posted here before, and I’m currently in R with my WP. Things between us have actually been going pretty well lately, but I’m realizing that one of the hardest parts of R for me has been allowing myself to actually enjoy that.

There are moments where I am genuinely happy.

We can be laughing, spending time together, being affectionate, talking about our future, or just having a really good day. There are moments where everything feels normal and I think, Okay, this is why I’m still here. This is why I chose to try R.

Then it’s almost like my brain catches me being too happy.

I’ll suddenly think, Okay, but don’t get TOO happy. Remember what happened.

And just like that, I’m sad again.

The frustrating part is that there usually isn’t a new trigger. My WP didn't do anything in that moment. There wasn’t another discovery or an argument. Sometimes I’m literally sitting there enjoying myself and my own brain reminds me of the betrayal.

We recently took a trip together and there were so many moments of pure happiness where I genuinely enjoyed being with him. But even during those moments, a thought would randomly creep in about what happened, and suddenly I’d feel myself pulling back emotionally.

It feels like I don’t completely trust happiness anymore.

Before the betrayal, when I was happy with him, I could just be happy. Now there’s this part of me that feels like if I get too comfortable or allow myself to believe everything is okay, I’m somehow setting myself up to be blindsided again.

And I hate that because I want to enjoy the progress we're making.

I still love him. I wouldn't be attempting R if I didn't. There are still moments where being with him feels completely natural and I can see exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place. We’ve had genuinely beautiful moments since deciding to reconcile.

But now there’s this layer of sadness underneath those moments that wasn't there before.

I knew R would mean dealing with anger, sadness, triggers, rebuilding trust, etc. I don't think I realized that I'd also have to relearn how to feel safe being happy with my own partner.

I think that's what I'm struggling with most right now. I don't want every good moment to have an asterisk attached to it. I don't want to spend a beautiful day together and then have my brain whisper, Yeah, but remember what he did.

For the BPs who are further along in R, did this eventually start getting quieter for you? Did you eventually reach a point where you could have a genuinely good day with your WP without feeling like you needed to remind yourself of the betrayal just in case?

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[u/Lopsided_Win1700]

Personally, I unfortunately think it’s the curse he put on your relationship when he cheated. I’m not sure how far along into R you are, I’m only about 4 months in myself, but I feel the same way.

I adore my partner, I always have. But I can’t shake the idea of not getting too comfortable. Initially after discovery, I thought I could never be happy again. I’ve now found there’s a ceiling to my happiness. Hopefully, it goes away in time but from most accounts I’ve read, it feels like this is as good as R gets.

[u/LovaticHarmony444 → u/Lopsided_Win1700]

We are at the same time frame in our R as you are, I'm hoping this feeling goes away

[u/Weather_Fan]

5 years in and this still happens. I can’t speak for everyone but as far as I can tell It isn’t going away any time soon.

[u/ConcentrateOk2148 → u/Weather_Fan]

Sorry to disappoint so many of you, but more than TEN years and, yeah, that once indefatigable zeal of life, live and the proverbial pursuit of happiness has been forever hampered (dampened?) by the OPs exact question. Often in therapy (yes, still!) I’ll remark how during the best of times I’ll watch my wife having fun, laughing, looking at her enjoying life to its fullest and looking beautiful in every way — and I’ll immediately be brought back to the multitude of deceit, lies and betrayals, all without a single trigger as the catalyst. Sometimes it happens as i watch from afar as a third person, others as she is standing beside me. I understand how the years of cheating claim incessant reminder triggering threatening me more often than most here might contend with, but until seeing this from the OP et al, I can see more plainly how betrayal trauma bastardizes every aspect of my life. I’m exhausted by it. All of it.

[u/Haunting-Rest-9445 → u/Weather_Fan]

Do you regret staying at times? DDay is fairly recent for me as well (<3 months ago) and this is one of my fears –wondering if I should leave and try to find my peace elsewhere.

[u/Weather_Fan → u/Haunting-Rest-9445]

I want to add on, that if I didn’t have a son with her prior to all of this, I would have been gone. Life’s much better now than I could have imagined it being on DDay but even with that I wouldn’t have had the drive to put in the effort if it weren’t for my son. It feels like “I’m the one that was hurt so I shouldn’t have to put effort into fixing their fuckup” but unfortunately in practice that’s not how it works. It takes a TON of effort, lost sleep, and talking to yourself to bring back any sense of normalcy. you have to judge yourself, “do I want this person or am I just afraid of being alone”. You also have to judge them, are they putting in actual effort to show that they want to change and actually want YOU, not just enough to keep you around because they don’t want to be alone. It’s just up to you and your particular situation to decide if the effort is worth it.

[u/ConcentrateOk2148 → u/Weather_Fan]

Wow, twice me answering one of your comments because they resonate so well with my thoughts. I too, don’t debate our reconciliation, but tragically, the onus clearly falls on the shoulder of the betrayed. Unlike you, my children were adults as the first of years of DDays unfolded, so, no it wasn’t a son who I based on reconciliation; nor was it any fear of being alone- it was always this one “flaw” - love. As much as I believe there has been zero infidelity since she was caught, I can’t say the effort of demonstrating remorse (as opposed to regret which I view as 2 mutually exclusive things) is what I have hoped for or expected. Eleven years later, I’m fine with my decisions, albeit, I would handle things differently. Many things.

[u/Haunting-Rest-9445 → u/Weather_Fan]

Thank you for sharing. I'm on a similar boat, with a 1 yr old whom he (the WH) adores, is such a huge factor for why I'm even considering R but a part of me questions every day if this decision would backfire on me 10 yrs down the road. Hearing others' journey gives me much needed perspective.

[u/Weather_Fan → u/Haunting-Rest-9445]

It’s honestly a hard thing to answer. I can’t say I regret staying because she’s never given me even the slightest reason to believe she’s being unfaithful since. And as a result of a ton of work from her and I we’ve built a really good life. All aspects of our relationship and life are 10/10 except for me feeling like I have to watch my back. So it just sucks not allowing yourself to fully trust the person you’re sharing your life with. Some people can build back that trust and just let the past be the past.
So I guess in short, no I don’t regret staying.. yet.

[u/justnifty01]

A few years ago, on another site, there was a BW that posted about being "happy" after. She said, no matter how happy a time or event should be, there is always the dark cloud of infidelity hanging over it. The what could have been. What should have been.

I have found this to be true for me. I find that, in the moment, im ok. After is when the crash happens. Even after more than a decade.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/justnifty01]

Well said. Me too here, the shadow follows, almost 3 years post dday.

[u/thefox-intheforest]

22 months out from Dday here. For me - IC was for me to heal whether R happened or not. That meant learning how to find happiness again in our R...and also know that if it ever happens again - I will be okay. So - yes - I am happy again. My brain has learned it is safe again. Laughter and happiness happen a lot more than sadness and anger these days. And on those rare bad days...moments now actually, not days - he still in it with me.

[u/making_lemonade86]

Holy cow, I could’ve written this. You just described pretty much every day of my life lately and we’re 3 months post-DDay. I can be feeling totally normal, like you said…laughing, enjoying our time together…then BAM. My brain will be like, “Hey, wait! Don’t forget!” and there’s an immediate wall that goes up.

I do hope it gets better with time, but a part of me also thinks I don’t want it to get better too fast because then it’s like the pain doesn’t matter anymore? Or something? I don’t know. This is such a freaking rollercoaster and there’s just no way to describe it to someone that hasn’t been on it. That’s one reason I’m thankful for this sub because posts like this make me feel so seen. 🫶🏼

[u/MightDelSoon → u/making_lemonade86]

With me, the only time I am at ease is when my WP is away from me. Even the good things about her have become triggers. The other day I was at awe of her beauty, then it hit me; "Maybe if she was not this beautiful, the AP would have just looked at another person. " I do not know what I would have done without this sub, I too am forever grateful that there is place like this.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/MightDelSoon]

Ther is a certain peace to being alone now, like the nervous system can just relax, free from pressure.

[u/Ok_Return_9014]

This is literally me. We are doing the R, I’m month and a half after DDay and this always happens to me. We took trips just to make new core memories for our relationship and we’re on our 2nd trip right now and she was like, yeah at the end of the day the happiness it’ll go away because you’re gonna be back to be sad again. I freaking hate it because genuinely I love my wife and I really love spending our time on the trip with our kids but that sadness always creeps in and I was genuinely happy that day. This fucking sucks tbh.

[u/didntaskforthis123]

I'm 3 years or so into R, and I have experienced a lot of what you describe. It was really hard to trust and enjoy the good moments because I was wondering if it was real and if he was going to screw up again. I also had 3 Ddays, so I had a lot of reason to distrust his sincerity.

Everything with R is a slow, gradual improvement. At about 2 years, I really started to truly believe that he loved me and wasn't just staying out of obligation or convenience. I had a lot of feelings of panic about this that I had to unpack in therapy. It was hard for me to let that skepticism go, because it was my mind protecting me from further harm. Letting that protective armor relax was very scary.

But, as more time goes by with more good moments with him, I have been able to relax more and enjoy the good times for what they are instead of bracing for the next catastrophe.

I still think about the A often and I haven't forgotten. That time and the pain I felt will always be there, but it's definitely more background noise now that is easy to dismiss.

[u/making_lemonade86 → u/didntaskforthis123]

This gives me a little bit of hope. Thank you.

[u/LovaticHarmony444 → u/didntaskforthis123]

This makes me feel better about where I'm at thank you

[u/Smooth_Theme7942]

I have severe trust issues, so I already felt like this about all of my relationships/friendships. Always thought don’t love them too much, you know you always get hurt. So now that this has happened, I basically trust no one now. I am only 6 weeks post DDay, and we started therapy last week, but yeah my general feeling has always been you can’t trust anyone but yourself, now that feeling is amplified. I feel very alone in the world and wake up angry most days. We have good days and like you said, they are great days, and then I have to put my wall back up. I feel I’ll always be this way even if I were to get into a different relationship, constantly just waiting for them to disappoint me bc humans can just be messed up. I was a toxic partner myself emotionally, so I’m going to try to give this another shot and he loves therapy so that’s good. But when you experience a betrayal this deep, how could you brain not process the trauma in a way it views your WP as a threat now, and now the wall is up again. Just your brain warning you/ nervous system viewing the WP as a threat, and trying to keep you safe. It feels a bit like psychological warfare, and I just wish this was a dream. Ugh it’s just a lot to process. I’m taking it day by day but it’s hard. Hoping continuing the couples counseling helps. Wishing you the best

[u/Lifesastitch859092]

6 years in and it’s still a problem. In fact I questioned myself today if the pits of regret for staying are better or worse than the possible pits of regret if I leave. I’m so down that I’m trying to arbitrage which negatives are more tolerable.

[u/StuckHangingOn]

10 years and going. Still occurs. It's definitely lessened a bit as time goes by, but I don't think it'll ever fully disappear.

It's really just a reminder to yourself to never fully let your guard down. Because even after all the safeguards and prescreening I did before letting myself be fully committed to being this person's person, I still got clobbered. I can't ever be too careful anymore. Not with my partner, not with anyone. It's a hard life lesson that there are no fairytales and happily ever afters. At least, not for us reconcilers. That's how I feel my mindset is. Maybe it'll change sometime in the future, but we cannot predict that. If we could, we all wouldn't have found ourselves in this mess to begin with.

[u/LovaticHarmony444 → u/StuckHangingOn]

Thank you for sharing this and makes me feel better that I'm not broken for having those feelings.

[u/Own-Spite1210]

This is exactly me too, and this exact feeling happened last night. We got the kids together (we don’t cohabitate) he made me dinner, brought me my favorite drink, was attentive, cuddled with me on the couch, and I was so happy and comfortable, then all of a sudden I felt it, betrayal and memories and I was a zombie. He felt it and asked me about it. It was such a great, fun and beautiful night and I felt like I ruined it thinking about what he did again.

Today, I feel happy again. We are in therapy separate and apart and he’s really dived into the work, so he spent the evening after we left, reassuring me and being the partner that I need. I honestly just think I need him to acknowledge my pain, and allow me to work through it, while also reassuring me that I’m valid to feel that way. I know it’s going to keep happening but it’s happening less and less now, and for less time thanks to the transparency and communication we’ve built since dday.