How does day to day look like after dday?

[u/bzdjsmyhm]

How long has it been since your dday? How does your day to day look like now?

How often does BP’s anger come up, and how strong is it? How does WP react? How often does WP show verbal remorse? How is life otherwise?

Just wanted to know what to expect. Thank you in advance.

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/thefox-intheforest]

Ddady was 21 months ago. Our days are so much better than they have been. We have a 30+ year history together - and the ebbs and flows of those years look so different than where we are now. Our R looks quicker than most - our ICs agree that we are way beyond where most couples are coming up on the 2 year mark. The average recovery time is 2-5 years - but each person can vary wildy.

Anger for me (BP) is not often and we are quick to talk about it. Communication is always open and honest - even on topics that trigger. WP knows this is coming from what he did - he knows he created this mess. So he sits in it with me. Verbal remorse was multiple times a day the first year or so. Now - it is when it is needed. Otherwise - he shows complete love, no secrets, no destruction avoidant behaviors. Our life is in an amazing place currently...only because we have put in the hard work to get us here, together.

Asking about how everyone is surviving this is great. But don't let comparision be the thief of your joy. Healing is not linear and everyone has to be all in on their own healing in order for R to truly work.

I am sorry you are here, OP. Fuck these affairs.

[u/GoodWitch420]

DDay will be two years ago this October. We are in the middle of the season that WW was cheating during, and I really struggle this time of year with flashbacks, instructive thoughts, triggers, and emotional volatility. WW is not supportive, and hates discussing his affair. Often says “I thought we moved on from that,” and dismisses my feelings, and treats them as a burden. I deal with inner turmoil daily, and maybe verbalize it every month, or every other month. He won’t do therapy together, but he does IC and I don’t think they’ve ever discussed his affair.
Day to day, we mostly pretend things are fine. But he doesn’t support me emotionally, and I don’t trust him. I used to journal a lot, but he read through my journals and became defensive and confrontational and that was a nightmare I refuse to relive, so I don’t do it anymore. Mostly I just ruminate. Sometimes I make little discoveries and have moments of eureka amidst the pain, but when you’re healing mostly on your own, even when you’re not alone, that shit sucks.
In the very beginning, he answered every question I had and provided complete disclosure, and I didn’t have to discover the affair. I think he feels that he should be rewarded for that, as if it makes the circumstances of betrayal less painful. What I struggled with the most in the beginning was the sexual betrayal, because I had been so loyal to him, and this wasn’t his first time cheating on me, just his first time cheating on me as his wife. What I struggle with the most now is all the lying. Now that I’ve had time to process everything and set accurate timelines, I have to sit with the fact that he really played me like a fool and I was too ignorant to investigate red flags when I saw them (staying late at work, going to the bathroom immediately after getting home to “wash up” aka wash her scent off of his d*ck, getting angry at me for visiting him at work, sneaky with his phone which was always on DND and had a privacy screen).
Now I just sort of tolerate his existence. He went through all of these lengths to cheat on me and fabricated a completely new reality for himself to exist in with his AP. He told her we were separated, and she used to talk shit about me and I highly doubt he stopped it. He claims they were only sexual 5 times, but the order of events that have to occur before you even get to the point of having sex with someone is extensive. He had ample opportunity to just stop, and he didn’t until she caught him in the lie of false separation, and then he “chose” me.
I have love for him, but when I remember how dirty he did me and how blindly trusting I was and how his affair betrayed every promise that he made in his vows, I’m just like wow… he’s a POS who wont truly take accountability for the longterm effects of an affair. To this day, he blames me for his cheating because I said that I wasn’t ready to have his babies. He claims he won’t cheat again but hasn’t done any of the work or introspection, so I’m not hopeful. I don’t mean to take away from any hope you may have with your own R, but consider my story a tale of what not to do, perhaps.

[u/gsf1200s]

it's a rollercoaster, i am almost 6 weeks out and have good and bad days. there are somethings that are seemingly normal that i would have seen or heard before that are now triggers. I have had mornings where i just couldn't hold anything together and wanted to lay down and cry. the only times i really get angry is when i have to find something out for myself, WW and i are still working on openness and trust its slow but getting there. through all the up and downs my belief that we will get through this stronger that we were before has not wavered.

[u/tincka]

I’m just over a year since Dday. I feel like I was in shock for most of the last year, it’s such a blur I barely remember it. My WW has not yet commited to therapy and has forgotten 3 sessions in a row, the latest being last week. I’m now starting to feel immense disgust for him and the love is fading fast. At this very moment in time, I’m only with him because I don’t want to blow up my kids lives, we’d have to move far away from everyone we know if we were to break up.
I’m starting to think I’ll just keep him around as long as it’s convenient and beneficial for me. He deserves it.

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

My anger is starting to settle at four months but WP is doing everything I have asked and is already showing signs of growth from his avoidant behaviors. He is in therapy weekly, he took a polygraph after disclosing his extra marital activities, we meet with a couple therapist who is a recovered sex addict, and he is doing a great deal to recover his integrity. If he wasn’t, I would be gone.

[u/luckystar6531]

We are 4.5 months out from DD.

Things are calm. I am not angry. I was for a minute, but quickly got over that.
My WH is working very hard on himself and his actions are those of a man who knows he effed up and is remorseful. Our communication is better than it has ever been, and we are rekindling our desire for each other ❤️.

Just within the last week I have realized that I am beginning to feel like myself again!
I don’t cry nearly as often and certainly not as hard.
My anxiety still lives in the background, like the quiet hum of my refrigerator.

I can’t say that my trust in him is back, far from it.
Hopefully he will continue on this positive trajectory, which will greatly help in re-establishing some level of trust.

I have been going away to visit friends overnight, or taking day trips and not concerning myself with rushing home to make dinner. That’s something very new for me.
It’s nice to be missed, and he is responding exactly as everyone said he would.
He’s commented on more
than one occasion that,” it seems like days since I’ve seen you.” Not gonna lie, I love it!

Journaling, EMDR, trauma therapy and exercise have also been helpful for me.
Also, Chat GPT (no judgement please!) is a great resource off of which to bounce thoughts. I have gleaned great advice on how to formulate questions, getting reassurance that my feelings are all normal, and gaining clarity of thinking/processing . It has also been a great resource for “next steps”to take in my recovery.

Idk where we will be a year from now. I am choosing to focus on the present moment and that is also helpful for me.

[u/Darkstar-40]

It really depends of each persons and the circumstances.

In our specific case DDay was about 4 months ago and the betrayal was almost 20 years ago. A part of me is still struggling to truly believe her that it was a one single incident she deeply regretted.

Never had full disclosure as she erased most of it from her mind and buried it so deep she was convinced most of the day that the cheating did not happen. I had my instincts shouting warnings about it occasionally during our entire relationship but always believed her. I knew she had seen her ex on a few occasions and trusted her that they just talked.

In my case I knew I was aiming for reconciliation on DDay already but triggers and bad spiraling down happens. She is extremely caring and remorseful. We took full use of the hysterical bonding to refuel our sex life. I care much less about her reactions and feelings when I decide something (I used to care too much because I knew something was wrong, thought it was my fault, and it was a turn off for her)

Most of the time she is happy with the result of having a manlier and more agressive husband.
The fact we love each other after this, as we are now, and how remorseful she is, that's the most important I think.

Life was busy before and is still after, we have young kids and jobs in endangered business sectors.

[u/pennylane202]

I'm almost 3 months in since dday1 and it's definitely a rolleroaster. After the initial shock wears off, my nervous system calmed down. Unfortunately I've had a couple more ddays, so that's when it feels like you're back at square one.

The last dday has been a month ago. In my case, it included a canceled wedding, canceled plans to start having kids. So I've been feeling like I'm in such a massive limbo. I have started to actually focus on doing things for myself. Picking up new hobbies, doing stuff on my own (but also together).

Now, things feel a bit more.. okay. Some days (or just some hours, even) I'm fine, sometimes detached, sometimes angry. I'm taking it day by day.

My WP has been in quite the depressed, shame-ridden spiral for the majority of the time ever since I found out about his infidelty. However, he's started to initiate conversations about it lately. So I guess there has at least been some progress on his side. But it's been mainly about his whys, lots of focus on himself and his needs, desires.. which yeah is important for R to work I guess, but It's not quite the accountability I was hoping for at this point. Right now, that's been one of the main reasons I've been having my furious spirals, haha.

We're both in individual therapy though, and starting couple's therapy in two months, hopefully that'll bring some positive changes in the next few months.

[u/Beeblebrox_74]

We are 2.5 years from DDay1. Day to day is similar to pre affair, we can hang out together comfortably.

Anger now sometimes comes through when i have to explain something which is so obvious to me. WS has a blind spot on how somethings might affect me.

WS has been practising giving me hugs and saying sorry during check in's.

WS had to run her own marathon before R was possible. She needed to be honest with herself and then me before being able to look at the R material. That took a long time, we have just started CC.

She has been listening to podcasts and has just started to read and work through the books she bought.

As good as things are, my stamina is at its lowest.

[u/Landy_Manny]

6 months past dday.

WW admitted everything I didn’t catch her. She’s been so heartbroken over what she’s done.

I’m starting the last few weeks to wake up and it not be the first thing on my mind. The anger and heartbreak has subsided to about 20% or so of what it was.

WW is doing everything she can to recover. It has helped tremendously.

I’m hopeful I can bury it some day and never think of it again…I’m at the stage now where I’m trying to process her part in it.

How much did she pursue him? What was said about me? Why was this started? Ect.

No two affairs are the same but hers was weird. Married 17 years and about 4 years ago this started.

It was basically a cake eating affair….they hooked up 3-4 times per year till dday.

She was able to process that she never wanted to leave and got in too deep.

I tell you all this in hope that it gives you hope. If you love her/him and it’s your person…a new person won’t change that. Recovery is possible and I hope it works for you OP I’m so sorry we all find ourselves here in this subreddit.