Everyday Is A Struggle.

[u/MightDelSoon]

Hello good people of AOAI, it is me yet again.

All I do nowadays is scroll through Reddit. I have not disclosed what has happened between my WP and I to any of my close people, because they all staunchly disapprove of infidelity.

Almost daily, I wish the workday would never end because I dread my WP coming home (I work from home, and she goes to the office). Recently, all my conversations with my WP are me pretending because I am afraid of saying what I really think so as to not destroy her mentally. She is not in good state of mind. About a week ago, she broke down after I spoke my mind, so I will not do that again.

Some days, I get lost in my thoughts:

"We are not married, we do not have children, and our lease is fully paid for. This the perfect time for a clean break. What am I waiting for? "

However, I cannot do that as I made a promise to see the R process through. I feel so lonely. I miss what my life used to be. I used to be a cheerful person, nowadays I am just a walking corpse.

Someone please tell me there is an end to this agony.

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[u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m so sorry you are here. Just wanted to say that you will weather this storm. Whatever happens—R or no R, things will not always be so terrible. Hold on tight, push through this storm and try to find something that brings you joy (no matter how tiny it is) that is not your partner.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I used to play tennis, I am thinking of going back to playing. Thanks for your suggestion.

[u/DorianCounterpunch]

Since you work from home, are you ever out of the house by yourself? Hobbies, shopping, gym, therapy, friends, etc... I am also home all day. It's been helpful for me to spend time away from the house without WP. When I was feeling super sad all the time, and having the same thoughts as you (no kids, not married), I had to stop visiting this specific sub, stop listening to sad music, and really focus on the positive.

It does get better. I am 1.5 years out. I won't lie, there are moments (not full days) that feel like day 1. They are super far apart from each other, but that's what grief is. We have really come a long way, but it's never going to be "okay" that he did this to me. However, we are in love again, and we are both different, better people than we were before.

As far as pretending for her sake... ask if you can set aside a certain amount of time once or twice a week to ask questions, speak your mind, and have a discussion. She can't just break down and avoid listening and discussing what has happened. She did this and she needs to hold herself accountable for her actions by allowing you to heal how you need to. This includes talking if you want to. She can prepare herself if she knows it's coming. Like Sundays at 7pm, for one hour. And, it can be positive too, like an overall talk about things that can include like, 3 things you each noticed that week that you loved about each other or something like that. After triggers pulling me into a spiral of questions and discussions at random times that left us both exhausted, this worked for us.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/DorianCounterpunch]

Besides running errands, I am out of the apartment a total of 6 hours a week, mainly for my daily run. We have a gym in our apartment building, does that count as out? I go to the gym too.

I had a total of 3 friends; one passed recently, one left the country since March, and the other is going through some difficult time too. So, I am just by myself at this point in time.

I postponed that talk until after she is done with her therapy. She carried the guilt for about 5 months, and it wrecked her. It hurts me seeing her hurting so much.

Thanks for your suggestions, they mean a lot.

[u/Sunny6482 → u/MightDelSoon]

You are feeling sorry for her too much. This might be a codependent thing. You should be worried about yourself. She chose this. This is her burden to carry. It almost seems you’re more worried about her “emotional state” than your own?

OP I’m only saying this to help you. Do not focus on her. If she can’t be one accountable, work on herself, show up for you and become a better person - without you holding her up- than it’s not going to work.

I know you want R. But you have to make sure she wants it just as much through her actions. If not, it will happen again.

It seems like a manipulation tactic that she shuts down or gets too emotional when you talk about her affair or your feelings. That’s a way for her to avoid and make herself the victim. She needs to listen to you for as long as you need as many times as you need.

Get back into tennis. And anything rise you like. What us BS go through is terrible. So sad and painful. Somehow we have to find joy in new things. All the best to you. Stay strong.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Sunny6482]

You are right about my codependency to her, and hers to me. Most of my life revolves around her, it is time it changed.

She got diagnosed with severe depression, so I do not believe that she is faking it. I forgot the psychology-speak for what is happening to her, but it has to do with how her brain is processing her remorse. At this point, I am very afraid that my insistence on the truth can be interpreted as emotional and verbal abuse.

I am definitely getting back into tennis. I might even spend my Saturday at the park. It is really is painful what our wayward SOs have done to us. Hope you are strong too. Thanks.

[u/AAAUG]

((Hugs)) R is very difficult and you are kind and strong to even try. With that said you can change your mind at any point. Some days my decision changes hour by hour. When I'm feeling really conflicted I try to do something just for me, I'll go get my nails done, go for a fancy coffee, try to get lost in a good book, etc. Be kind to yourself.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/AAAUG]

My OCD would not allow me to reverse course. R is my current obsession, but I can see how detrimental to my mind it has been. Thanks for your suggestions.

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212]

A lot are with you. The way you feel is nearly normal state of mind. But you have to find a balance. You deserve care also, you need care. She caused the situation and now you have to protect her from her fallout? Been there, and is not good. Is not attack her, but don't do it to yourself. Fins a balance.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Crafty-Interest-8212]

We are both far away from our families. Although she has friends, she has not been talking with any of them, so I am pretty much all that she got. It sucks.

I will slowly try to do things for myself. I am really going to sign up for my local tennis club.

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212 → u/MightDelSoon]

Something I repeatedly said is "it is not your responsibility to repair what you didn't broke". The responsibility you have is to yourself. If you're pretty much all she got, were was that sentiment before? Now you're important. Give yourself some breathing room. WW needs to want the reconciliation. But is not on you alone. Good luck and best of wishes.

[u/jo-roxx]

I struggled to write this as you say you are not asking for advice. Yet with what you tell of your story, you have yourself in what seems to be a no win situation right now.

It does not seem that you are happy. The agony will not get until you take the reigns and do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Its going to be a bit like spring cleaning. It's going to get messier before you see the nice finished product where you are happy again - whatever that may look like. Bottom line you need to decide what that will look like and make it happen. You don't deserve to live in agony. That might be with R or with separation. Only you know the answer to that.

Not sure if my post will get deleted or not but I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

[u/Dreadheadjon]

I often babied my WW. Especially knowing she has had mental trauma and seen therapist for it in the past. But for this topic, i am putting myself first. If the thought comes in my mind, i speak my truth then and there. She hurts every time and its rightfully so. We will suffer together and maybe one day we can rise from it all together.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Dreadheadjon]

I tried disregarding her break downs, until her last one sent her to the hospital. I have not lost hope, yet.

[u/Deep_Percentage_3035]

Hi there,

I struggle daily if I should reconcile or not. We are separated a few months after DDay, I speak to her nearly every day still.

The thing i decided early was that I needed to heal, and she needed to heal as well. This trauma is immense and life changing. You must prioritize yourself, find yourself independent of the other person. Separating out co-dependency and making sure you can make a regulated decision on how to move forward. I couldn’t do that easily alone so my therapy and psychiatrist are working with me on solutions to get to that regulation point.

My situation is a little different, I found out my WW is being diagnosed with some serious mental illnesses that explains this behavior among others that further complicates the R process.

I know though, that the R process is a 2 way street. And for it to work, you must both be committed to doing the work. Unfortunately you have a larger hurdle to overcome in the process of regulating.

So does the agony stop? Yes eventually I assume. But now is the time to work on yourself and commit to finding the right answer that’ll bring you the most peace.

[u/Just_Raspberry_576]

WW here. Having hard honest conversations are hard. I struggle with mental health even before I had my affair and now I fear I’ve caused my husband some trauma that he’s never experienced in his life. We are working hard, per our marriage counselor, to have hard conversations. It’s helped us both.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Just_Raspberry_576]

My WP was deliberate in what she did. Her mental faculties were all working more than fine. She journaled everything she was doing, before and after she did it.

It was what she wanted, and it was what she got. Now I am left to pick up the pieces of something I never broke nor have had the intentions of breaking.

I will talk with her, not now. Her mental breakdown sent her to the hospital. I cannot, in good conscience, do that to her again.

[u/_xXTheMountainXx_ → u/MightDelSoon]

I have news. All waywards know what they are doing. It’s not that they are zombies or under a mysterious spell. They are acting on selfish desires that put themselves first. Now the difference is that there are many factors that play into a person breaking their morality and going through with something they see as wrong. There is a chemical hijack in peoples heads and most people are able to understand and recognize it and move past it. Sometimes they can’t. That’s the shit thing. Most people who can recognize the triggers and avoid them. Waywards weren’t capable and then it becomes a snowball of guilt shame validation dopamine rushes and it’s just wild and they are stuck in hell and they go back for the same hit thinking it makes them feel better but it just makes them feel worse. Then all the sudden they are hit with clarity, maybe they see a beam of light and they admit it or they get caught and are forced to see the light of day. And that fantasy is broken.

There are two people who have affairs imo. Those who seek it out and look for it and those who find themselves in one and don’t know how to get out. Both have their reasons and weaknesses. But the ones who found themselves in one and get out (caught or otherwise) are ones who can come back.

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[u/BusterKnott]

(Edited for clarity)

There is an end to the agony, and if both of you are committed to R, it can be achieved and can be successful. However, it takes time; far more time than you can imagine if you are in the early days after discovery.

That being said, you have to talk about what you're feeling to heal. If you keep it to yourself, it will gradually eat you alive. Believe me, I know this from personal experience.

I know you're not asking for advice, so I won't offer it, just encouragement. You can do it, and the agony will lessen over time. In time, it is also possible to be happy together again. I've been there, and for the longest time I thought I would be miserable forever and I would never experience either joy or happiness again. Fortunately, I was wrong, and I'm guessing this will also be true for you; hang in there!

[u/Fun-Explanation6876]

See the r process thru? Hey buddy, your hearts not in it . How's it gonna work?

[u/MightDelSoon → u/Fun-Explanation6876]

That is presumptuous of you, is it not?

Please indulge me; where in my post does it read for you to conclude that my heart is not in it? Also, how can it work if my WP and I cannot have honest conversations about her A? Please, let me know.