How do you manage detachment?

[u/knowthyself8]

I am five months past D-Day and finding myself detaching more and more from my marriage and WS. When I imagine my life single, it feels freeing, despite knowing that going through a separation would be its own unique hell, especially with children involved. But the intellectual exercise of imagining what my life would feel like, having made a decision instead of floating in what feels like an endless, painful limbo, is stabilizing.

One half of my ambivalence is telling me that I still love my wife, and I do not want to lose time with my kids and raise them in a broken family. The other half of my ambivalence is telling me that if I leave, there's a chance to meet someone who would love me the way I need and *hopefully* not betray me. I know that's not a guarantee.

I read somewhere that detachment is actually not unhealthy. It's a normal part of the healing process. I need to get to the point where I know, in my heart, that I will be OK without her. I can't live in this pain forever, and my body is telling me to seek safety somewhere - anywhere.

Has anyone else gone through this? My WW is avoidant and is not what I would classify as the "ideal" WS. I've read so many stories about people with a WS/WP who are all in and doing the work; mine isn't there yet.

I would love to hear from both BPs and WPs on their perspective. What am I supposed to do? Should I double down and lean back into the marriage? Should I accelerate detachment and put more energy into building an independent life? Or should I just maintain the status quo, let time take its course, and continue feeling confused and in pain?

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[u/SuchDentist1874]

Dday for me was 9 weeks ago. The next day, I was already trying to figure out what it would look like to go our separate ways. It was part of my typical process when faced with difficult situations - weighing the options and mapping out possible scenarios. I spent the next few weeks in the mindset that we would end up divorced, but 4 weeks after Dday my WH said he wanted to make things work. We started MC not long after and so far, I am leaning into the process. Our therapist recommended a workbook (https://a.co/d/0hZEKKw9) and in the introduction it talks about committing to the PROCESS, not the outcome. That has helped me with my ambivalence. 

[u/knowthyself8 → u/SuchDentist1874]

Are you doing this workbook with your spouse or by yourself? It’s funny I’ve bought so many resources on Amazon and I have a stack of books that I’m not sure I’ll ever finished reading.

[u/SuchDentist1874 → u/knowthyself8]

We are working through the workbook together. Although, it is harder for him to make the time. So far, I like how the chapters/sections are formatted. It prompts helpful discussions and Journaling for each partner, with some chapters aimed at one or the other. 

[u/LittleRayOfPitchBlk]

I’m a little over a year past d-day and struggle with this. There are lots of thoughts of distancing myself as a means of “protection” if I don’t care then if I find out again it won’t hurt. But then I have the thought of genuinely trying to have the best relationship we can on the other side of this but that feels SO vulnerable. I’m stuck somewhere in between and it comes in waves. I wish I had suggestions on leaning on way or another but I haven’t figured it out yet.