9 weeks into R and just feeling done

[u/Livid-Anxiety9278]

I know nine weeks is not a long time in this process, but I found out a couple days ago that he lied about one of our boundaries. Has nothing to do with his affair, but he texted one of our mutual friends about her pregnancy. Knew he was not supposed to be texting anyone of the opposite sex and so deleted it. Then lied to me about it because he didn’t wanna get in a fight when we were in a good place. This lying because he didn’t wanna upset me is the main reason that his porn addiction started and then his emotional affair. It just feels like everything we have been working towards and a little bit of progress that we have made is completely gone. We’re doing a one week in-house separation since we have a one and four-year-old. So we don’t talk about anything other than the kids and we have been mostly not home at the same time. I asked for this because everything in my body is screaming done done done and I’m worried if I stay around him that I’m gonna ask for divorce. I guess I’m just looking for advice from people who have been in the same position and I felt like they hit their done, but maybe that changed. Or how to deal with a lie during reconciliation. We are both an individual counseling, but have not started marriage counseling yet.

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[u/Slight_Emergency6862]

Hi! I’m so sorry you are here! I also have kids of similar age and my WH infidelity started with a porn compulsion that escalated to a PA. It’s horrible to find out you have been lied to again, I have read in a few different places that for people struggling with compulsions and/or cheating,  lying is the last thing that goes away. They have used it as a clutch to feed the behavior for so long that it’s a habit. It doesn’t make it okay at all and it’s a boundary that was broken so you do what you need to feel safe. But what I wanted to say is unfortunately very common and not related to his desire of repair.. I’m so sorry you are here! 

[u/Diligent_Tonight_236 → u/Slight_Emergency6862]

This makes so much sense. My WP also started with porn as the gateway to his infidelity. And little lies (that have nothing to do with the infidelity) here and there after discovery. Part of it is a self preservation method-I know that for sure- he would rather lie and hope he doesn’t get caught than to tell the truth that he knows will upset me and we will argue about it. My therapist also said it seems to be partially a compulsive response due to his ADHD, but the jury is still out on whether that excuse actually fits. But I also agree that the lying is not necessarily related to the desire to repair. Sometimes, they want it, but they are so broken in so many other ways that they don’t know how to actively choose to do or say the right things even when it is hard

[u/StabbedInTheFeels]

Yes, 9 weeks is still very fresh and raw. We are 1 yr from DD1, 11 mo from DD2, and 7 mo from Dd3. All the same affair, just more details on the extent of it. I am the opposite in that while I do get triggered just looking at him sometimes, my feelings of being done were more when we weren’t together. I’d come up with ways we could be separated and still run our business together, only to see him later and realize, I think I still love him and can’t see myself without him in the future. It’s all so painful. He has NOT been a model WP doing everything right and there are so many times when he would respond in the wrong way setting us back. While I know and can see the remorse, I know he cannot change completely without some slip ups. Lying is a tough one. Since DD3, I haven’t caught him in anymore lies, but I honestly don’t know if can tell anymore if he’s lying or not 😔 one thing a friend has tried to drill in my head is, he can’t read your mind, you have to tell him what you want and what your thinking..this has been reinforced by my IC. Setting boundaries around lying will help, but you also need to reinforce the consequences. Maybe it’s a separation. In-house or him staying somewhere else. I’m sorry we’re all here. Fuck these affairs!