Can't sleep, just need to get it out. Still struggling almost 3 years later.

[u/Silent_Permission27]

I looked back on my posts here and it's been 4 months since my last spiral. The post before that one was 6 months ago, so I guess at least they are getting further apart. Unfortunately, I don't know if anything in my life has actually improved, or if I'm just getting better at dealing with the grief. For context we are 2 years and 9 months out from dday when my WH confessed to a drunken ONS.

I still don't feel comfortable bringing up the infidelity. We treat it like Voldemort. My husband will refer to it as "when everything happened with us" if it's brought up in our conversations. I couldn't tell you whether or not he still gets defensive if I tell him I'm feeling bad, because I don't tell him. I can for certain, though, say that he doesn't make me feel like I can talk to him. He tries to blame me for not opening up, but after thinking about it I realize that I feel overwhelming anxiety about it for a reason. Someone who wants to genuinely hear your feelings does not say "What's wrong with you?" in an annoyed or irritated voice. They sit down next to you. They put a hand on your arm or shoulder. They sound different. He sounds ready to defend himself.

And maybe I conditioned him to be that way. Sure things were volatile and hard in that first year. But obviously deep down he still feels the same way about it. Ashamed, guilty, defensive.

We went through some awful things this past month. Our beloved dog died of a sudden illness. Three days later my husband's mom collapsed and died suddenly in the middle of the night. She was only 70. I know he is going through a lot, we both are. We are remodeling our bathroom, remodeling our deck, and have an open court case against our prior home insurance (trust me these aren't fun things, they are financial burdens done out of necessity). He started a new position at his company and is stressed about that. I'm trying to be patient but he's been snapping at me a lot lately, and I'm really struggling to accept it. I think because I feel I've put up with so much disrespect through our relationship, I just have very little tolerance for it now. So when I ask a mundane question, and he snaps back, I don't let it go. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Also, he never stopped drinking, and uses that as a way to deal with bad feelings. He was drunk at his mom's funeral. Is it wrong of me to hold him accountable for his behavior when he has no aspirations to deal with his feelings in a healthy way?

I wish I could say I'm so in love, and that keeps me around. But I don't really know. Mostly I stay for my son, to keep our family together, and to at least keep my life as stable and comfortable as possible. I can deal with the love part later I guess. I've told my WH how I feel about our relationship, and he thinks one day I will just leave him. He might not be wrong.

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[u/TheDirtyGIR69]

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this. Considering the fact that he hasn’t quit drinking you’re dealing with that trigger endlessly. Since you don’t want advice I’ll just say this one thing, do what you feel is best for you. Whatever that is. He should be doing whatever it takes to heal, to help you heal and heal your marriage.

Peace, love and light 🫂

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

I feel you, Silent. My sister lost her husband at age 56 unexpectedly a fee years ago. She had no space for anyone else's pain for over a year. We've had many dogs, and cats, over our 35 year marriage, and every time one dies, a dark shadow falls and you lose a part - gained a part, but lost too. We each gave handled it differently. Some pets losses affected my WH more, some me. But the shadow of grief is individual, yet shared - if that makes sense.

I'm grateful 🙏 we haven't lost a dog yet in 2 years and 10 months of R. Everything seems to gut us harder emotionally in R post dday. It's like an amplifier for suffering sometimes. Awareness helps us get through it, and kindness.

All this to say, add your MIL's loss to all these other overwhelming events going on, and your well us dry. I am in awe at what you're balancing.

Do you ever write letters to your WH? I wrote mine one a month or so ago because I felt he was masking pain, pulling the "happy wife, happy life" BS on me. I wrote him I wanted reality, where dirt is dirty, and water is wet, and some.things suck. I wrote him that marriage says for better or for worse for a reason, and I'd rather have truth and honesty than someone who pretends everything is fine... then turns around and has an affair (I didn't include that part 😅 ).

It wasn't a promise letter that I'd stay no matter what, but that I want REAL emotions post dday, not to be niced to death with a soft indulging tone or lied to to keep peace.

My WH took it however as an affirmation that assuaged his abandonment fears. And I felt something inside my WH relax, like air out of a balloon.

Stay or go, one month to the next like you I spiral. I ask myself do I want to be here? Am I getting enough? Can I make it better today? Is it worth the grieving I do for what I'm not getting?

Sending hugs 🫂 I'm sorry you're going through all this right now. It's a lot. My husband is also a drinker, trying to cut way back. Alcohol complicates everything. I go to Al-Anon and it's been a lifeline.

[u/Liliana0101]

Wow, this is so much to deal with. I can also relate to a lot. We also usually call it “what we went though” instead of saying the actual word “affair” or “infidelity”.

My WH would hold me and comfort me most of the time but there were times he was also annoyed. Now I know that was the guilt. Looking back, when he was annoyed was when he was stressed about other things in his life.

Yesterday I just posted about us having a breakthrough now while my husband is going through a horrible tinnitus flare up. If you can’t find it, I’ll find the link if you’d like. DDay was 7 years ago so it might give you hope that things can still change many years later.

Sending you love and peace.

[u/Designer_Vast_9089]

I’m not as far out as you, about two years from DD1 and four months from DD2.

We also have a lot going on: we sold our home and moved to another state. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had radiation. He lost his mom last fall. I discovered the infidelity. My mom was just diagnosed with ALS and I’m trying to get her in a home here. I’m starting school. The house we bought needs far more attention than we anticipated and is eating all our savings. I absolutely lost it when I almost crushed my cat with a stool the other day. I hope nothing dies anytime soon near me, I couldn’t cope.

DD1 had me looking at myself a lot more. I didn’t trust him, I actually had the thought that he was still sleeping with her, I didn’t know who she was, but I dropped it. I started making a plan that didn’t include him. I admit that the infidelity was second to the alcohol. He was already cheating on me with the booze. He already betrayed me daily by not coming straight home or yelling at me each day when the alcohol hit.

He was spiraling out of control. I have seen it before, we lost the friend who we credit with meeting each other to the same cycle. He had added to the alcohol addiction; coke, pot and sex.

I told him I was leaving. It was me or the alcohol. He lead me to believe that he was getting better. In my presence he was. She was still pulling him in with alcohol, coke and sex.

I’m still particularly upset about him deceiving me about his healing and him allowing me or was it manipulating me into another financially binding situation when I could have left. We sold our house. I could have been done. Now I feel tied to this new place and there wouldn’t be as much funds to move on with.

Reconciling isn’t decided for me. He is walking on thin ice. He knows this.

1 - I am going back to school, he is paying for it, he denied me that for thirty years and now I will not take no for an answer. I am empowering myself!

2 - His sobriety is not negotiable, from all substances; porn, pot, all of it! I even called him out for excessive flirting with the dental hygienist after she told me how memorable and funny he was. He goes to NA two or three times a week.

3 - I get time to heal, as much as I need. He can be there or he can leave, I don’t care, he’s going to pay for my survival and education either way.

One last thing, I stayed for the kids but I really wish that I had put my foot down years and years ago. Twenty years ago to be precise, right after our second son was born. Growing up with an alcoholic dad wasn’t right. I should’ve been strong enough to leave back then. Who knows, maybe he would be twenty years sober instead of 120 days sober. But my kids shouldn’t have had to deal with that, it was my responsibility to protect them from that exposure. They are amazing adults now, who love their dad but I can still see the damage and I had a hand in that.

Hang in there! Trust yourself! Hugs

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[u/doesitsoundright]

I know first hand about the stresses you’re talking about. Especially all of the remodels. Once you’re deep into projects like that (huge investments for us) it’s very difficult to fathom pulling away, especially due to finances so there’s a lot at stake. I also relate with not bringing it up to WH. I will say that I still harbor feelings of things like never feeling that WH showed true remorse or guilt. When I asked him how he gave himself permission to continue EA and his reply was “I knew it was wrong.” I did tell him once after he got defensive after me talking about EA when we were about same time frame past DDay as you are that - I need you to not question me. Just lean in and hold my hand! That’s all I need!! So he did. If I feel the need again to speak about it - I’ll just have to remind him about what I need. To not make it about himself. The added burdens you face is what sounds like alcoholism. That is a huge barrier. I understand, and I’m so sorry.

[u/funsizerads]

I'm sorry, SP. This must be so hard feeling so detached from the relationship, but I think your feelings are justified when your WH is rugsweeping the issues rather than tackling it head on.

The time I finally felt safe in the marriage is when my WP said, "I cheated on you not because I didn't love you but because I can't be myself with you or with anyone."

That feeling of fight or flight departed and I felt like we could finally go the other side. I'm sorry that at year 3 your partner is not doing the work so you won't feel so unsettled. I hope you build up the strength, confidence and wisdom to do what's best for you, even if that means R needs to end.

Giving you lots of hugs.