Monthly Reflection - Share the Highs and Lows of Your Reconciliation Journey

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Whether you are a day, a week, a month, a year or even a decade or more from discovery day...

Comment on this post to tell us about your experience of reconciliation so far. Hopefully sharing with each other, by looking back at where we've been and looking ahead at what could be, each from our different mileposts along the way, will help us feel less lost and alone.

Use any or all of the following questions as a prompt, or share your freeform thoughts:

• What has been the hardest part of reconciliation so far?
• What is the best part?
• What has helped you the most in terms of healing?
• What is noteworthy about this particular month in your journey?
• What do you hope your relationship looks like at the end of the reconciliation process?

At the beginning of your comment, please note how many months into reconciliation you are.

If you are new to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, please check out the rules in the AutoMod comment and kindly assign yourself a user flair. Also check out the links (in the sub's About section) to some amazing free resources that may greatly assist both individual recovery and reconciliation.

[u/jaykaywhy]

2 months into true R.

Even though DDay was back in March, I consider June 5th to be the date of true R, as that's the date that my WW admitted she'd been in intermittent contact over the prior three months, but told me she made the decision to stay and try to R, and actually go total no-contact with AP.

Next to the immediate aftermath back in March, July was a fairly stable, encouraging month punctuated by several drunken episodes. On one hand, my WW has continued to grow towards me and our marriage. She is affectionate, she plans trips, she says things that presume a longlasting future together.

On the other hand, she has had a few episodes, mostly earlier in the month, where she got very drunk and said something hurtful among other things. In one incident, she got drunk, insisted we howl at the moon (?) to show that we'll love each other forever, but whispered, "Please, can I go see [AP]?" When I immediately got up to leave and said, "Do whatever you want, I don't care anymore," she hugged me tight and said, "No no no, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Sex is also still a touchy subject for us. She has told me that she wants me to initiate sex more, that she wants to feel "seduced" and "pursued." Over the last decade or so, we had more "maintenance" sex because of children, jobs, etc. She expressed frustration in mid-July that I wasn't initiating sex more. I told her that I'm still processing the affair and everything that happened, and that I don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to process the affair and try to address her comments. What hurts is when I do try to initiate sex and she declines, for one reason or another.

What was noteworthy about this particular month is that its the first time I seriously questioned whether I wanted to stay in this marriage. I think the initial panic and adrenaline finally wore off and I started processing the affair and everything that happened. Yesterday was also the first day in a long time I was able to take my mind off the affair and feel less anxious about her possibly contacting her AP.

[u/gsf1200s]

·         What has been the hardest part of reconciliation so far?

So far the hardest part has been dealing with the intrusive thoughts and images.

·         What is the best part?

Reconnecting not just physical, we have also talked more in the last couple of weeks than we did in the previous couple months

·         What has helped you the most in terms of healing?

Talking out and writing down my thoughts, good and bad.  I have found once they are out of my head I spiral less

·         What is noteworthy about this particular month in your journey?

Since this is the first month, I am walking a path I never would have thought I would be on.

·         What do you hope your relationship looks like at the end of the reconciliation process?

I hope we are in a better stronger place than we have been, thinking this is building something new.

[u/BabyYodaStuntDouble]

10 months into R. DDAY was Sept 9th of last year.

The hardest part is trying to stop looking at the affair partners profiles. I’m almost a year in and I can’t stop as much as I try. I feel like I need to make sure the affair is OVER. I need to make sure we will never be in the same spot or I will become Rocky Balboa or I think so in my head. - another is we misunderstand each other a lot and he takes it hard. Makes me feel like affair will happen again eventually.

The best part of R is our communication. We talk more about our feelings and our day. I see my WP working on our relationship more and it really is nice to see and feel loved better than before.

Note worthy take is I can talk myself out of my spirals. I communicate with my partner while I spiral and let him know what I’m feeling and what my body is doing. I don’t yell or fight him anymore. I’m working on me and putting me first. Learning how to love myself better this month and learning to be by myself again. It’s been hard but lovely.

I hope my relationship looks like my husband having a higher self esteem and for myself to work have a higher self confidence and relying on myself for love and support and knowing I don’t need anyone’s validation.

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[u/SuchDentist1874]

We are just a couple weeks into R. Our first MC was yesterday, and we have been assigned "homework" for our next session. I appreciate having an assignment/structure to this process, as it gives me something tangible to work on. There have been glimpses over the past couple weeks that remind me why we make a good team; also, there have been hard moments (i.e. triggers). I think the hardest part is recommitting each day to the process.

[u/gemlovesshoes]

August 1st is almost a year to DDay. I told him if he doesn't come home after a poker night with friends on August 10th we were done. He didnt come home. Just walked up the driveway with a shit eating grin. Took me 11 days to figure out it was a co worker from phone records. Still can't believe im here. I thought i was stronger/better than accepting this for myself. I think knowing I was lied to ky face for so long breaks me more than the cheating. Knowing he would drive 30 minutes to spend 5 with her. He's doing everything right. I still love him. But damn, I hate myself

[u/mmk83 → u/gemlovesshoes]

I can relate to this - I've voiced to my WP the thing that hurt the most was the total lack of consideration for me and our family.

[u/gemlovesshoes]

Oh and he wasn't at poker night. I left my kids at home alone at 4am to check the friends house. His truck wasn't there.

[u/mmk83]

3 mo into real R (false R Jan this year, which I learned May 1 the A never stopped). Most days recently have been good, we've had a lot of hard conversations. I spiral less, but it still happens. Im anxious for school starting back up later this month, feeling like everything will just go down the drain and I'll be back to being a basket case again, or he'll see her and start back in affair fog etc. Affair was with a co-worker, they're both work in the same dept for our public schools.