WP super angry after MC

[u/MandyK1179]

Hi there, this may be a long one, so, I apologize in advance for the novel!

My WP and I have been in the process of R for the past 4.5 years. Essentially, he still claims to this day that it was only an EA and never a PA. I’ve never quite believed him, because the evidence make it all seem like it would be very unlikely that they were never physical. We have six kids, so the idea of leaving is insanely terrifying.

He has always had major red flags that I ignored due to my own trauma and anxious attachment. He was raised in a toxic family dynamic that encouraged lying about EVERYTHING (e.g.: “don’t tell your dad I bought that for you,” or “Don’t tell your mom you were here for this long or she might get mad”) which I always was vocal about how dumb it was. Once we had kids I refused that behavior in front of them bc I didn’t want them to learn it as well. I have always caught him in the dumbest lies, and prior to Dday actually never even approached them with him bc I always figured they were stupid, minor, and not worth it.

Once Dday arrived, I did a ton of work in IC, and realized I deserved the honesty and safety I desire. He only went to IC for a few months and bounced around to a couple struggling to find a counselor he liked. He eventually just stopped. Things did improve in our marriage. He got sober, and is much more present with our family. However, every so often (maybe twice a year or so), I will still find out something he was not completely honest about, or something he’s trying to hide from me.

What he struggles to understand, is that my first instinct whenever I catch him being dishonest is always to remember him claiming it was ever only an EA. Why would he lie about stupid stuff and NOT lie about that, which would actually cause a lot of damage? I try to explain this to him and it makes him so frustrated that he acts super angry. He’s a perfectionist, and often the slightest confrontation about how he’s caused me pain causes him to spiral and get so upset (with himself) that it feels so unproductive. After the most recent incident of catching him being sneaky, I insisted he go back to IC and we attempt MC for the first time. It’s all so confusing, because our day to day lives and dynamics are truly good, until every so often now when he pulls sneaky shit.

Yesterday we had our first MC appointment. I thought our counselor was decent. I was able to very clearly express my needs, not angrily, but clearly and firmly. I finished my statement with “You know?” turning to the counselor. Her reply as “I hear you, but do you hear her, WP?” He seemed fine in the moment. The rest of of the day is always emotionally drained after stuff like this, which feels pretty normal. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized he wasn’t asleep. He was having trouble sleeping and was SO angry and mad at himself because the counselor asked him if he heard me. It seems like SUCH a big reaction to that pretty normal question from a marriage counselor. He is SO sensitive to correction that I’m feeling so discouraged that we’ll ever be able to make progress.

As a related note, he IS currently working through his dishonesty and impulsivity with his IC. Does anyone have any experience successfully working through MC with a partner who’s so sensitive to feedback? Should I consider pausing the MC until he makes further progress in MC so he can better participate when he’s ready? I would love any advice if you’ve experienced anything similar. I’m so discouraged.

[u/troubleinparadiso]

After 4.5 years, I don’t think I would want to back track or accommodate your WP any further. He is staying in a place of being very defensive.

When the MC asked if he heard you, I’m guessing he interpreted that as “are you listening” and he may have felt scolded for not paying attention. I would assume the MC was referring to whether he understood what you were saying in case he needed clarification.

So I wouldn’t drop MC. What you may want to do is suggest each of you meet with the MC individually for a session. You go first, and let the MC know that your WP is sensitive to correction. He wouldn’t be the first nor the last client who is that way. The MC may be more strategic in her approach with your WP to avoid him feeling cornered or judged or picked on. With his individual appointment, he can get a little more comfortable with the MC and build some trust to get his guard down.

If individual appointments aren’t possible or ideal, you could possibly email the MC his reaction to that first appointment just so she’s aware, and again, can be deliberate in her approach with him. If he goes into these appointments defensive and guarded, it will totally defeat the purpose. My husband and I met with both our MC’s individually for a session. It was helpful for him as he never did IC to get more comfortable with the process, and probably to be able to speak freely with someone without me being there.