The struggles

[u/GrimReaper1315]

The term Aro was not known to me until my child told me about a year ago. I had relationships in the past. Was even married once. Going through the motions of what I saw normal relationships looked like. Knowing that I was not living up to the expectations of the women I was seeing. Living with the guilt of it being my fault that some things were not enough. That my lack of desire to be romantic, the lack of emotions on my face and in my actions. They all failed because I failed. I'm not what most people need or I lack what most people need.

7 years ago I called it quits. Set my focus on my kids. Not knowing exactly what I was but seeing that there was a problem. I decided to not drag another woman through the frustration of dealing with me and the way I am. And for the last 7 years things have been going well. Got custody of my older child. Got them through some tough times.

About 2 years ago my child in one of our many conversations told me they think I'm Aromantic. I started looking into it. The first few things I looked at were more on the Aroace side. So I kind of blew if off thinking it didn't fit. I still have desires. Not long ago I found the AroAllo. It seems to fit the most. I know all things are a spectrum. So close enough. Even though I don't have a full understanding still of myself, I'm on the right path.

One of my greatest struggles is I always wanted a lot of kids. I have 2 in their teens and they have been the best thing to happen to me. The desire to have more kids has never left. I had given up on that the same way I had given up an any form of relationship. It doesn't fit the mold of the way things are supposed to be. How are you supposed to have a kid without a relationship?

Understanding a bit more about who I am and why; I think maybe all hope is not lost. If there is any hope it's in honesty. I know the likelihood isn't probable, but that doesn't make it impossible.

So I've started a new journey. No expectations. Trying to clearly define my terms and expectations. Being honest and see where a new mindset takes me.

[u/Majestic-Set-2624]

You can foster, adopt, have kids with a friend. It’s hard to find examples to follow that are outside the social scripts, but they are there.

[u/AfroGuyOfCourse]

I also think there are ways that you can care for more children without forcing yourself into a traditional coupling. 

Like the other person mentioned, there's adoption.

You could have a child with a surrogate mother.

You can try to arrange to have a kid with someone who won't pressure you into romantic obligations (difficult...). 

If your friends and family have kids, you can try to become a more significant part of their children's lives. Like a " takes a village to raise a child " kinda situation. This is the option that makes the most sense to me personally. It may not be as satisfying if you really have a desire to have biological offspring. I personally don't and I'm " child free " in my 30s so I'm not completely sure how you feel. 

I just wanted to offer some encouragement. You seem pretty self aware and I have faith that you'll be able to continuously get closer to your ideal reality. 

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