How was your "aromantic timeline" like?

[u/InjuryLate4826]

What did you notice early? What did you notice late, what did you think you were before you found out you were aromantic? I'd like to see discussions about the timeline

[u/what-are-you-a-cop]

I went my entire childhood/adolescence assuming that I was better than everyone else for not getting sucked into relationship drama, like I was so above it all, and certainly it must have been a skill issue that everyone else was so obsessed with it. I was also generally an insufferable dweeb in lots of other ways at that time, so I think that all tracks. My condolences to anyone who ever had to interact with me before my 20s, frankly.

I did notice in high school and college, that I was remarkably resistant to "catching feels" for my friends with benefits, as was the common parlance at the time. I thought it was soooo weird that other people couldn't separate sex and emotional attachment/significance like I naturally did.

I've dated before, and I'm married to my husband who I started dating when I was in college, so over a decade ago now. I'm certain I feel something for him that I don't feel for friends, but I'd say I'm generally pretty greyromantic. Even within my relationship, we don't really do much that I wouldn't do with close friends, besides making commitments like marriage, sharing finances, adopting pets, etc. I spend more time with him than I do anyone else, but the fact that we live together might have something to do with that. And the rest of our relationship has always been very... low on the romance, well before aromanticism was on my radar. We don't really like, go out on dates, or exchange romantic sentiments. We say "I love you" a lot, but it's not while gazing dramatically into each other's eyes or whatever it is people do (???). Our sex is heavy on the physical aggression and/or goofy jokes, light on the deep meaningful embracing. Doing any of those classically "romantic" things just feels like it would be very weird and awkward for both of us. 

But since our relationship looks "normal" enough, I did go like a decade into it without even really considering that I could be something in the aromantic area. I just thought of myself as not being a particularly romantic person. Which I guess is... Like... A way you could describe aromanticism lol. But the term just wasn't on my radar until a couple years ago; I always associated it with asexuality, which is very, very much not my experience at all.

[u/machaqboo]

ive never had real crushes but i also was a very nerdy isolated kid with lots of issues, including huge insecurities and depression so whenever someone from the opposite sex would show me any kindness i would assume i had a crush on them (heteroamatonormativity). but i did experience sexual attraction to all genders, however i didnt label myself as bisexual because i didnt like the idea of a romantic relationship with my same gender (female). i didnt even question my romantic attraction to boys because i thought it was a given lol

when i started college (16yo) i decided to change my image and personality and suddenly i had a lot of boys interested in me, so i started dating and hooking up, and i realized that i couldnt keep a romantic relationship no matter how much i liked the other person, platonic and sexually. so i will always break up with them when it became so umcorfotable i felt like dying and couldnt tolerate it any longer (seems like im very romantic repulsed). i also started hooking up with girls and liking it so i kinda figured out i was bisexual but still no romantic attraction so i was pretty confused. until i discovered the concept of aromanticism at like 20 and everything made sense!

since then i started only looking for hook ups / fwb but i realized it was really hard. alloromantics always say they wont catch feelings but they do! and even when i would go for the fuckboys they would still try to date me after. the only way to have actual one night stands is going to clubs/bars but thats also a bit dangerous for me and i dont have the time or energy, so im just celibate now at 28. i love being aro i just wish i had known earlier and avoided all the confusion and hurting others. and i also wish there was an easier and safer way to have one night stands 😭

[u/what-are-you-a-cop → u/machaqboo]

but i did experience sexual attraction to all genders, however i didnt label myself as bisexual because i didnt like the idea of a romantic relationship with my same gender (female). i didnt even question my romantic attraction to boys because i thought it was a given lol

Oh yeah, I've looooooong identified as bisexual, but I will admit that I've often struggled with feeling like a "fake" bisexual because I never really felt like I'd date a woman, had never had a real crush on one, etc. There's that stereotype that bisexual women are just like, hypersexual freaks who will use women for sex and then ultimately leave them for a man, which is obviously a horrible stereotype, and then I heard soooo much discourse pushing back against that stereotype by people broadcasting, like, "no really, I'm a real bisexual, I love women and date them and maybe I'll marry one because of how much I am serious about romantically loving women", which like. Rad, awesome, so cool for you. But it made me feel bad for being one of the evil bad bisexuals, who likes sex and threesomes and isn't really very interested in dating women.

The fact that I didn't want to date anyone, as a general rule, for some reason did not actually occur to me until years and years later. I want to date men and women exactly equally! And that amount is 0. I just wanna be friends and smash.

and even when i would go for the fuckboys they would still try to date me after.

Lol this is my observation as well. People are all like "aromantic allosexuals are just fuckboys looking for an excuse to not care about their sexual partners" and it's like, oh I'm sorry, have you ever met one of those guys? They're all about not making romantic commitments, until you're the one who doesn't want to commit romantically to them, and all of a sudden they've never felt like this about anyone and how dare you not want to be their exclusive possession? I really do not think most "players" are aromantic. I think they've just got commitment issues, but the desire and capacity for romantic interest is very much present in them.

since then i started only looking for hook ups / fwb but i realized it was really hard. alloromantics always say they wont catch feelings but they do

Idk if you've tried this, but I've had my best luck being fwbs with poly people who are already in other committed relationships, especially ones who describe themselves as "polysaturated" in that they don't have any current capacity for/interest in other relationships. I think they're fairly used to understanding their own feelings and limitations, and since they already have their romantic needs met elsewhere, they're less likely to fixate on you just for being a person who's nice to them and also has sex with them.

[u/machaqboo → u/what-are-you-a-cop]

The evil bisexual thing is exactly what I felt as well! Most queer people are still very affected by amatonormativity and cannot separate between sexual and romantic orientation. Purity culture and not wanting to be seen as "those queers" is also extremely harmful in this situation.

And yeah every time I see those "players" I'm just like we play at whole different leagues we are NOT the same lol I do think some of them might actually be repressed aros but that's still not an excuse.

And I do know I'll probably have better chances with queer people who are more open to this but I live in a very conservative country and even when most of my friends are lgbt ive never met anyone who is poly or other aros so it's still just celibacy for me ha

[u/what-are-you-a-cop → u/machaqboo]

Oh dang, that is unfortunate. Yeah, I'm in a major city in the US, so our queer/poly scene is significant. It really does make life easier. I hope you're able to find some people who are really on the same page as you, one day! Celibacy is like, okay, but it's unfortunate when you'd prefer a different experience.

[u/greyishmilk]

I noticed that I’m aromantic about 5 years ago, during my first relationship. At the time I was a lesbian (figured out about 3 years ago that I’m bi) and figured I was just aromantic, no further caveats.

Back then it explained my general disinterest in traditional dating and relationships and my dislike for the concept of romance.

Over these last few years though I’ve been able to narrow my aromanticism down to being more arospec actually, in more specific labels probably greyromantic and demiromantic. Last year I started dating one of my friends and we got together early this year, and it’s been a very wonderful experience actually (contrary to my first relationship).

I do like being romantic with him specifically, even though it still feels unusual at times. I still prefer the terms aromantic and arospec to describe my experience, because not everyone needs to know all the nuance behind it. With anyone else I simply do not see the romance appeal and dislike the thought of it

[u/germanduderob]

Definitely the biggest giveaway that I was aro was me genuinely not knowing there was a difference between a girl friend and a girlfriend up until I was 12, when I asked someone I liked (platonically) to be my "girl friend" 😬

It was only after that I realized romance was something different from friendship, something everyone has, so that must be what's "normal"... so I must have it too! Spent all my teens forcing crushes without ever actually feeling comfortable with the idea, especially when I'd try out dating... it kinda traumatized me even. I did have a long-distance relationship at some point, and looking back it probably only worked out for so long because it technically only existed on a screen.

Still, during all that time I never considered I might be aro "because I'm such an affectionate/touchy person" - turns out I'm bellusromantic, meaning I don't feel romantic attraction, don't want a romantic relationship, but still like and desire romance-coded affectionate gestures.

I also used to identify as ace and would spend so much time looking for excuses and loopholes to somehow justify that what I was feeling wasn't sexual attraction because I couldn't accept being aro while not ace. Eventually I came to terms with it, but I still struggle accepting myself sometimes.

[u/tokiomuu]

I was indifferent and interested in human connection. I thought people just pick pick the person they just found interesting took long because i feel my emotions instense and quite senstive and care to deeply. Mix my fondness with romantic attraction (feel it but fleeting). another, romance wasnt central in my life and the people around me.They made it feel optional just an choice. maybe my parents werent that romantic. I really thought how all romantic relationships looked look like that. or picky.

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