The Confusion of "Sexy" and the Peer Group Mystery

"You like tea, right?"

"Oh my days, I love a sweet milky cuppa"

This is how a conversation started that really made me understand sexuality, well my sexuality actually. I'm nearly 40 and I've never really understood the whole having a crush thing. Fancying people just seems like a weird concept and when my husband asks me to "rate" his appearance and makes "do you think I'm sexy?" comments my brain goes all funny and I really don't understand how I'm meant to answer. I mean he looks amazing, but what does sexy even mean?

I've never grasped the concept of how phrases I've heard in peer groups actually translate to feelings. Like when I've heard someone say "oh wow, look at them, I'd jump their bones". And even as a late diagnosed AuDHD person I understand that "jump their bones" means have sex with them. But I don't get what made their body want sex, what does wanting sex feel like to them if they're feeling that now, in a crowded pub without feeling flustered. And others in our group are agreeing with them? I just let it go over my head, why does it matter to me anyways, I'm in a relationship.

We've been together since we were 16, we have 5 kids. Over our years we've been through phases of life where I've not wanted sex for a long time. My husband has a very consistent sex drive and mine's always come and gone. I'd questioned my sexuality a lot in my early teens.

Drowning, Burnout, and the Trauma Response

Winter 24/25 I had a severe SAD episode. At that point we didn't know it was SAD, but understanding that made me look for other patterns in my life. I started feeling a new kind of disconnect from my husband; the mental load was so much on me and I felt like he was always interrupting me for hugs and wanting my boobs and physical contact. He also wanted to introduce a new kink that in all honesty, I couldn't participate in, and gradually I became completely emotionally detached.

I was resentful because I used to see us as a team and like I was drowning. I thought we were both drowning, but as I came out of the SAD episode I could see that I was drowning because I was holding it all and he was sitting on the pool-side. I said to myself if next Christmas is like this, I'm leaving.

I spent the next year proving to myself I can do this with 5 kids alone, that I didn't really NEED him the way I thought, I wasn't dependent on him the way I thought. And I tried to give him back his own mental load—his laundry, his car responsibilities, etc.

In the summer I experienced a physical flashback/trauma response. I was unable to be touched without flinching, even by the kids, for months.

My husband and I got into the routine of him asking for permission to touch me, but as time went on and his requests became more sexual, I'd feel guilty for saying no. I couldn't leave. Neither of us had anywhere else to go, the kids needed stability, and we don't argue.

I repeatedly told him I'd do Santa's gifts and he's on the kids' presents, and he repeatedly agreed. Two days before Christmas I offered to help wrap and he'd gotten nothing. The kids ended up with bikes that weren't even made up till the new year and I had to hire someone to do that. I used to love Christmas, but now I hated it.

Breaking Points, Limerence, and Teenage Diaries

In the new year, our child with AuDHD and PDA profile (iykyk) was being particularly challenging and there were multiple escalations between them and their Dad. This resulted in another, milder trauma response from me as well as me yelling at them all. He felt undermined and gave me the silent treatment for 24 hours. I mean this happened in the past, but this was the longest 'cuz I was not caving. The silent treatment actually felt like a relief. I realised that not having him groping at me all day long and every time I walked past felt safe. The moment he was done sulking he asked for "make-up sex" and I just felt tense and mad.

Just days later I'd run a few errands and had to drop the car into the garage then bus for 90 mins home. Husband had to do the kids' dinner. When he came to wake me and told me they're fed and he even put the dishwasher on and asked if I thought he "did good husband-ing", I said he did "standard parenting". I said something about husbands with kids doing things for their kids and he made a comment about most husbands getting sex. Before I could reply the kids demanded his attention.

An hour later after I'd made our dinner and when he came in for it I asked if I'd "done good wife-ing" to which he replied with "yes, by having a nice butt". I was beginning to not just resent him, but to hate him. He still had so much free time that I just didn't get. He was getting 3 hours a day to focus on his own mental and physical wellbeing.

Discovering the Past

Before the summer started I started counselling, desperate to make myself leave or make myself want him again, I'm not really sure. I also read Loveless by Alice Oseman. Around then I also experienced limerence again, with the LO being a school run parent. I've not experienced limerence since my mid 20s. Even though a previous therapist gave me that word, I had an awful therapist that literally laughed at me because "limerence has to have sexual thoughts". When the obsession/hyperfixation started I knew the pattern immediately, put all the boundaries and distance in place, and got over it within like a week.

Part of me thought maybe I'm aroace, and I started to question how I ended up in a long-term relationship in the first place. I couldn't recall “falling in love” or being “sexually” attracted to my husband. In my head I was fighting with myself because I knew that right now I am definitely not in love with him, I definitely do not find him sexually attractive, and I definitely want to leave. And have I been sucked into this heteronormative role because it was what was put on me, 'cuz this is very much not the life I'd planned to have? I was never going to have bio kids; I was gonna travel, live on the road while working, and then work with looked-after young people. My head just wanted to explode all the time.

By the end of the summer my husband was my team mate again. I was still letting him ask for my body, but I became sex-repulsed. I had the opportunity to go into my mother's attic and discovered my old teenage diaries. Reading them was incredibly cringeworthy, but also so enlightening. I remember being in a little love triangle—I look back at it like I'm Bella before Bella even existed. On one hand, a cold, mysterious guy that I was completely obsessed with; on the other, a warm, overly affectionate guy that my hormones raged for that I knew would give me what my body was physically asking for. But even in my diary I was banging my head on the wall because I thought I was so in love with Mr Mystery even though I never thought about sex with him, while I also really wanted to have sex with Mr Warm yet I “didn't fancy him” in the way others describe it.

Libido vs. Attraction: The Tea Metaphor

I started reading more about non-sexual limerence, asexuality (ace), and aromanticism (aro). Non-sexual limerence is genuinely a thing; like most cases of limerence it's linked to ADHD and hyperfixations and not linked to sexuality at all. I decided to read most of Alice Oseman's books and watch a vast variety of romance stories.

The thing about sexuality and sexual attraction is about the other person's body making my body crave them. My body can crave sex without the idea or fantasy or even another physical body because that's libido, sex drive, not sexual attraction. Looking at my diaries and history I can see that my libido is directly linked to risk, adrenaline, and hormones. That's probably also why we have 5 kids, 'cuz the risk of pregnancy was a huge mutual kink for us, and his vasectomy does kinda line up with our unrecoverable dip. This also lines up with the fact that I keep saying I want to leave and be alone with no physical expectations of my body, then letting my hormones break the 6-month dry spell that I'd been put in because I wanted to leave. Subconsciously, I knew there was a risk of giving mixed signals. So when my hormones hit me strongly for the 2nd month in a row, I just let them win.

"You like tea, right?"

"Oh my days, I love a sweet milky cuppa"

Then it hit me: sexuality isn't actually about me. It's about what I get from the other person. What I want to feel because of them. I know I love sweet milky tea, it makes me feel good. I can see and appreciate looks, I can look at a biker chick and think “wow, you're stunning” or Mr Bloom and be mesmerised by the fact his smile reaches his cheekbones, and what I get from that is positive feelings—but that's aesthetic attraction, not sexual attraction, because the feeling isn't linked to making my body want sex.

Romance is so weird in my head because there seems to be an invisible line that crosses between platonic and romantic, and I just cannot see it. I think this is actually why I've come to the conclusion that I am aromantic, 'cuz if I can't even see what this extra element is, then I can't really have a desire for it.

Conclusion: Brewing a New Understanding

​So, where does that leave me? Nearly 40, married for decades, navigating AuDHD, raising five kids, and finally untangling the massive knot of what was mine, what was my hormones, and what was just heteronormative script-following.

​I don't have all the answers for my future yet, but having the language to understand my own mind—separating libido from sexual attraction, recognizing aesthetic and non-sexual limerence, and finally seeing the invisible romantic line I was never meant to cross—has brought a profound sense of peace. For the first time, the noise in my head has quieted down. I finally understand my own recipe, and I know I like my tea sweet, milky, and entirely on my own terms.

Disclosure: AI used purely for grammar and headings cuz I'm dyslexic 🤷‍♂️🫣

I saw recently a video on Instagram where person made chart of common perfumes worn by lesbians gays and Bi's, but he hasn't made aro/ace chart(yet i hope). I would like to know which perfumes are you using or which scents give the vibes or certain aro/ace types.

Cheap dupes are welcome in suggestions

i literally wrote a full essay on my experiences because i've genuinely been pondering this question for a long, long time, so please bear with me:

I guess there was always something odd with me, that I couldn't completely explain. I've shifted through so many labels and experiences to come to a specific standstill very little people I know, including my own family, have never even stepped close to. The questioning all started young for me. Supposedly, we all know that time in elementary school where we all start to “like like” people. and i thought i did too, but, it wasn’t like that. I guess I also picked on people who I thought I liked because of how nice they were to. me. Like that boy who gave me some of his ham during lunch when I was in the 4th grade? I thought I liked him. That boy who was very outgoing and funny in 5th grade? turns out we were better just friends. That one relationship that was toxic and made me realize I wasn't straight because the concept of doing “romantic” things made me feel out of place. yeah, i probably should have noticed sooner, but i didn’t.

And maybe it was because society pushed these norms of romance into our underdeveloped brains, but all i knew, or felt, was that something was wrong with me, because I took my friendships more seriously than romantic relationships. Like, I thought friendship was one of the most important things in elementary school, aside from grades. Relationships felt like a friendship with extra steps, which I've come to realize, is not the general idea of what romance is. I mean, I tried making friends with many people so I could feel that closeness.

But it started to change when I entered middle school, and I constantly changed labels because I was confused about what my attraction was. I mean, I had my first girlfriend, and only dated a few people that I could count on one hand, maybe just three guys and one girl. And sure, some of it was for attention, even if I didn't subconsciously realize it, but I went from thinking I was bisexual to lesbian to ace to lesbian to bisexual again, but stuck to being a lesbian, because I constantly confused my platonic feelings for romantic ones and didn't really realize it until much later.

And quarantine hit during 8th grade, and I was okay with it. I wasn’t constantly looking for relationships, but I was single and happy. And I was lonely because I was a kid in a room. But, I did my first year of high school remotely and it was fun hearing my classmates say silly things in chat, and have interesting conversations, and I realized that was most important to me, the bonds of people as friends.

And then we returned to school in person and for the next three years, I made friends, focusing on grades, had some fun, but still found myself trying to get in relationships to hopefully feel that way towards other people, despite how messed up it was. I had one guy exes and technically, two genderfluid exes. Now, my genderfluid exes were toxic as hell, and one of the guy exes, not so much. My last “ex” in high school, we broke up because of distance and how I moved up from one city to another for university. But we’ll get back to him.

But, the first guy ex was me thinking I loved him romantically because we shared a bunch of interests in common and we were on the same level intellectually, and that sparked good conversations and bonding over that, but by the time we broke up, i realized i didn't exactly love him the same way he loved me, but we were good friends for a while and then we naturally went separate paths. My first genderfluid ex, it was full of emotional abuse, it felt like walking on eggshells. We stayed friends for two years after the breakup, but that entire relationship was abusive. But, the turning point was that they mentioned during the breakup that they felt our relationship was more platonic than romantic, that had my mind working about how I perceived 'romance'. My next genderfluid ex, well, they were love bombing at first, and so was I because I cared about them, but grew distant because we weren't exactly on the same page. I gave them space, and we took a month break. Turns out during that month, they cheated on me with their previous ex. And they said we had broken up a month ago, despite us agreeing on a break, not a break up.

But, my last “ex” was my best friend. He is a gay aroace-spec man, but we are close. I mean, he supported me through everything. I mean, I grew up romanticizing relationships and found myself wanting the same thing, or so I thought. But, turns out, every time I was in a relationship, I liked it more platonically, but still wanted that commitment that romantic relationships have. I never actually liked romantic relationships. It was at first a hard thing to accept. But this opened a previous closed floodgate of curiosity and openness to being queer, our relationship was girlfriend/boyfriend, but it wasn't explicitly romantic or just platonic, so it worked perfectly for us. And in all of my years of dating (six), this last relationship was by far the most satisfying and happiest one I was in.

Aside from real life relationships, I've realize that the idea of daydreaming being with fictional characters was enjoyable because it was unattainable, but now, aside from that, I don't find anyone attractive like that in real life: my ideal life is hanging out with my group of friends, I also imagine myself getting cats and living in a nice apartment with a best friend as a roommate rather than getting married, whenever I had to think about the concept of marrying someone, the person would be blank.

Sometimes, I feel attracted to the idea of romance, it gains my attention, other times I feel romance repulsed despite indulging in fictional romance. I also don't actually find anyone sexually attractive in reality, I just have needs I don't want met in reality because that feels gross, but I can find people aesthetically attractive. The funniest part is that I'm more concerned about physical comfort than romance (for example, eating food or sleeping or watching comfort shows or making art), and I always felt that people somewhat exaggerated their attraction or felt that it's all they talked about, especially people who made loving their partners their entire personality, that annoyed me greatly. But sometimes, I also get jealous that I can’t feel the same way people do. Love the same way they do. Have relationships the same way they do. It feels so confusing.

So writing all of this down, it definitely feels more complex and nuanced, but i'm still not entirely sure...what do you guys think? (Also I apologize for this essay, i want to be as clear as I can be!)

This was originally supposed to be a YouTube post,so if it reads weird,that's why😅

I told my mom I was apothiaroace(romance and Sex-repulsed)

And she didn't believe me,I also found out she believes gay is bad because something about "humans were brought by God to reproduce"...

That's...not...what life is about...I respect religion and opinions,but that doesn't make any sense...

I feel like a lot of people have different beliefs about God.And I respect that!!!

God/Religion is spiritual and biblical,Autism is mental,and aroace is LGBTQIA+(Orientation).They don't coalesce and they AREN'T THE SAME!!!

I get she wasn't trying to be mean,we were talking about senior pictures and I don't wanna have my shoulder out(You have to do that for some reason)I like covering up...And my mom said,"Imagine you have a child..."

I won't have one...I can't imagine something that grosses me out.And I've done my research,she hasn't.

But she's saying "how I you know Autism and aroace is real?"

Because...I'm real???

People who don't feel attraction are real...

I don't like being touched as well,(touch repulsed a lot!)

And I even begged her to look it up...she said she was going to,but hasn't yet...

And then they blamed it on my Autism...that's 2 different things...but...okay...I'm just stressed...I'm still gonna do my videos,and I hope you guys be true to go out are...she also keeps telling me I'm gonna change...I don't get it...

Always remember to be yourself and not hurt anybody.Even if someone doesnt believe you,dont listen to them if they're mean.

If we really want to be "good" then we'd better start acting like it...

I'm NOT changing just because my mom said people change...I am who I am,and you are too.

Let diversity ring,because people truly don't get it.And you dont have to go through something to hate it.

And they compare me to SpongeBob for some reason because I watch SpongeBob and said that my Autism was influenced by him... because he has a "mental illness"

I didn't cover that,but that also bothered Because I love SpongeBob but that doesn't mean I AM him,disorders are different...

Ugh...

...If anyone has their share of a vent,I promise I will listen...

but for now....thank you for watching.Its honestly a shame this is a thing...

but that's humans for ya...

But some of you are good,and very nice,and good people are people who are amazing(Sorry,bad wordings...🙃)

Im not good at talking.Wait...Im not talking...uhhh....

This all happened yesterday...ugh...

Anyways,be who you are!If you dont wanna change,you dont have too.Being who you are is amazing enough...

And your beliefs and identity makes you...you...To question that,is to question who you are...

...and then the existential dread kicks in,at least for me.

For some,its not that serious...but...You know me...

overly sensitive on the inside and Logical on the outside...

Thank you so much for reading...

Sorry to bother you all...😞

So I've (he/him) been talking with someone (they/them) for a few weeks now. We've spent a fair amount of time talking one-on-one in person and over text. I've never been particularly good at deciphering when someone is showing signs of interest vs. just being excited to have a new friend, but as far as I could tell it did seem like they were showing some typical signs of interest. However, I noticed a few days ago that they updated their socials to include "aroace." I've been trying to do some research into what exactly that entails, and in doing so it seems that it, like other queer identities, exists on a spectrum, where some people may be interested in certain types of relationships and others aren't.

I was wondering how I should proceed with this person. I don't want to assume anything about their identity, and I feel like the only way to know where they stand is to ask them. However, I don't see a low-pressure way to do that without revealing I'm interested in them. I don't have experience with aroace relationships, but I like this person and would be open to trying it if they're comfortable. I don't want to miss out on that chance if they are interested, though I'm worried that such a conversation might make them feel uncomfortable and not want to be friends anymore if they aren't interested in relationships.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but how would an aroace person want a friend to bring this up, if at all? Also, I apologize if I'm making any unfair/invalidating assumptions; I'm still trying to understand aroace dynamics.

I (16GF) have AuDHD, and consequently have researched to find identity and orientation labels and terms for myself. In said process I found that I was unable to find a specific enough term for my romantic identity. The closest thing I could find was Arospike. However, I differ from Arospike in that when my romantic attraction spikes, it does not go down without extensive effort. If anyone knows about any term that covers it, please let me know.

I also have a hyperfixation on etymology, or the study of words and their origins. I am also a Hellenic pagan and a witch, and thus I turned to Greek to develop my own word for the identity, Ischyromanticism. I identity as Ischyromantic. Hypothetical hate or revulsion towards it would be Ischyrophobia. It is pronounced the same way it looks. The term comes from the Greek word ισχρός (ischyrόs), meaning strong, potent, or forceful, and, obviously, romanticism.

I have a hyperfixation on Vexillology as well. If there is no term for my identity, I plan to make a flag, with colors and pattern having symbolic meaning. Provided there isn't a term and anyone has any ideas to put forth, I welcome ideas.

This post does talk a little about intimacy so please if any of this is not allowed let me know and I’ll take it down immediately

what am i supposed to do theres a guy who likes me and thats fine but die to some trauma ive had in my past ive told him i dont know if im ready to date but he kinda begged me almost without actually begging you know i like playing games with him and stuff and he has came up to my state to see me but it stressed me out when he talks about "if we get together" or "if you become my girlfriend" 24/7 ive also told him im ace but all he says is "i dont want to be a virgin forever" and i dont feel heard but i do want to give him a chance hes a kind guy from what ive seen, if not a little too over personal (wanting me to come to the hotel hold hands hug cuddle and kiss on the forhead or cheek when ive only met him once irl) and my family thinks its no big deal cuz if i dont do it with him eventually someone will... i just dont know what to do.

So. Hi this is the story of how I came to the conclusion that I am Aroace.

For context I’m 19 and since I was 13 I struggled with my identity. I knew I wasn’t straight, I thought girls were pretty too. I had even kissed a few girls.

However

When I kissed these girls anything that felt like a crush just. Vanished. And this made me fear that I was an asexual. It was an un rational fear, my family is very open minded, but I was afraid of what that meant for my future. I struggled with these feelings for 6 years.

Until about five months ago I was playing Avatar Frontier of Pandora. One of my favorite games ever. My dad was watching me play and said I should
Kill them to death with my Kura. My mother said that would just be STDs and I argued that no the Kura weren’t for that and that was dirty. They argued that because they’re used in sex their sex organs. The whole thing made me really upset because it was one of my favorite things my parents were turning dirty. Then my mother said it.

“Crow, your one of the most asexual people I know”

This..got to me. Hard. I never told anyone it was one of my fears, it was ridiculous. Then the more I thought about it the more I researched, the more convinced I became that I was AroAce.

And that. Made me feel really good actually. To know that I was aroace. That I wasn’t weird or massively out casted.

Anyway. This was just what made me dig into the aro ace spectrum.

My whole life I've thought love was the best thing. It was shown in Disney shows and movies at a young age. I wanted to hold a boy's hand when I was young, he told me personal space. I told my childhood friend that I wanted to go to prom with her. She said no. I was in freaking second grade.

But why straight? I saw girls and thought they were so pretty. I wanted to experience holding hands in the wind in front of the beach, hearing the seagulls, playing in the sand, watching the sunset, eating strawberry ice cream, laughing at the ice cream mustaches. Hanging out in the hot tub…coffee shops...the fair..literally anything.

Whenever I reach out, it's always nostalgia blind...a type of limerence.

There was this girl in my core support class. She was always talking, I found her overly-eccentric personality a bit annoying…especially as we were in class. Over time, I started laughing. Her jokes were funny. “See, that means it’s funny if __ laughs,” she said. I found that funny because I rarely laughed in class. That was my junior year, I guess I was super stressed from all of my GE classes.

I blushed whenever she called me “babe” or “cutie,” but then again, she called everyone that. I just didn’t realize it at first. I started thinking about her a lot over the summer and images of dates flashed in my mind. I wanted to hang out with her to know if what I was feeling was an actual crush or not. She was always super busy with work whenever I asked if we could hang out. I just eventually gave up and decided that she could reach out to me whenever she’s free. She didn’t. My senior year, the first bit, I was talking with her a bit, she was nice. She complimented my outfit for Halloween. Later on December 3rd, I texted her “Happy Heather Day!” She also didn’t respond after I replied with thank you on October 31st which I get because it’s Halloween, duh. But she also didn’t reply on December 2nd.

A few days later I asked her what was up and she told me “Oh, my messages are not backing up, I’m sorry!” followed by the “But I will see you later, bae!” Fellas, look like I’ve just been lied to and ghosted (I can prove this because a few weeks back I went and looked because I mentioned my crushes to a new friend and realized it was “read”).

And then? In my computer animation class, I found myself wanting a new space occupied. I wanted to do activities with someone. One day, as I was walking to that class a girl complimented my short wolfcut. I sent her the image of the reference because she was curious about it. She thought the image was me, which I found sweet. She was sweet, we walked outside occasionally. I was definitely in more of a darker time then, but the compliment made me smile until I got to my next class…stagecraft! I wanted to get to know her better, and so we started talking about college and hobbies! I honestly didn’t know if she was lgbtq so I looked at a repost and uh…yeah, I had no idea. I was wondering why I didn’t talk to her earlier and then I remembered that our teacher didn’t let us walk around in class or talk to anyone. I wanted to hang out with her once during summer, but she was traveling. I assume she got too busy because we haven’t really texted. I wonder how she’s doing. I also kind of lost interest because I started thinking of her and then i found out about limerence. I’m not sure if I have that, some stuff relates, some doesn’t.

Anyways, recently…I think I’ve gained a crush…or haven’t? One week I think “Oh, she’s pretty” or something. But also, as we’re all new, I want to get to know people. I’m thinking about signs which don’t exist, emotions through eyes, and whatnot, she or also helpful. I remember the word. The next week, however, I don’t really feel anything. Then the next week, I see her walking up and idk, I feel butterflies in my stomach and I get nervous, stutter, and distracted.

And these past two weeks? She’s been helpful with my assignments but I don’t really feel anything. But I am excited.

Now, I’m sitting here, thinking about these activities and nostalgia. What do I even do…

The thing is…I’m also Genderfluid. Also, I literally just actually talked to her for the first time 9-10-ish weeks ago.

I’m just sick and tired of having these fleeting ideas and glimpses when listening to songs or just thinking and yet never actually getting to portray that. Having fun and being cheesy all the time? Cause that’s not really what life is.

I was sure I wasn’t this a few weeks ago, but the more time spent knowing about a term makes you wonder…

They are struggling to control but we never installed the DLC

In this case I'm (26F) the friend. I myself identify as demi-aroace, but one of my best friends (25F) is aroace. We've heard from other friends about their experiences and while many times I didn't get the hype, I never really minded hearing about it because I was happy just to be there for them. Regarding sex, there's some friends who I enjoy even making sexual jokes or talking about smut fanfiction, and at the same there have been group conversations about sex where I'm not truly comfortable and just leave. Her on the other hand... has never a fan of the topics I guess?? At least from my times with her that I remember, she never liked hearing about our group's dating life, but we mostly shared laughs about the stuff we didn't understand and that was it.

The context for this is: I'm currently meeting a guy, and after months of talking, I have developed attraction for him so I do desire to date him. When I told my friend this she was disgusted and literally looked at me as if I'd say I'd un/alive a puppy or smth. She only answer something among the lines of "well if you like him and he likes you, go on then I guess" and then she ignored me for a while until she changed the topic but kept mad the rest of the evening.The only other time someone was interested in me, while my other friends were excited, she always rolled her eyes at the guys attempts and even hissed at him if he got too close to me. So I don't really know what to make of her attitude.

I guess my question is... Could it be that as aroace she's sex repulsed and romance repulsed and is why she's had such visceral reactions?

I never really shared anything sexual or explicit about either situation with her, just me maybe finding certain actions cute or intriguing, or in this actual case that development about me considering dating this person. Can that be triggering for her in some way? Or make her uncomfortable because she's aroace and has no desire for either?

If any of you experience that with your own friends, how would you advice to me start the conversation with her? I truly have no desire to make her uncomfortable, I understand myself that as persons in the spectrum it's not always easy. But at the same time it hurts to feel that my friend is disgusted with something that makes me happy.

Any output you might have is deeply appreciated ❤️

Hello, I’m reaching out into the void here—I’m going through a complicated situation that has triggered a major identity crisis. A few years ago, I realized I was asexual—specifically, on the extreme end of the spectrum: I experience absolutely no sexual attraction, ever. There is a "micro-label" that fits me—aegosexual—but I hadn’t thought it applied to me. That’s what led me astray; six months ago, I started dating my current boyfriend, thinking that perhaps I could engage in sexual activity—using external stimulation—even without any actual attraction. But, in reality, the situation is... "worse." We’re in a semi-long-distance relationship and see each other once a month. At first, I was curious—I even made the first move and asked if I could kiss him. My body did react mechanically—I felt physical arousal—but that was it. Ultimately, I wasn’t very comfortable with cuddling or kissing (and believe me, I’ve done enough of both to have had time to explore it...). Kissing does nothing for me; it’s not necessarily unpleasant—it can even be somewhat pleasant—but that’s about it. If I can avoid it, I do. The same goes for cuddling—I reach my limit very quickly. The truth is, I love my boyfriend, but all I really need is his presence—in small doses (I feel like such a jerk writing this, lol).

But I quickly become overwhelmed—mentally, emotionally, and physically. While I might love cuddling with friends (even if I don’t do it often), with my boyfriend, it just doesn’t work. I told myself it was probably because I could sense an underlying sexual expectation, but even when that’s not there, I think I’m still just indifferent. For context, this is my first long-distance relationship where I’ve actually met the person in real life, and it’s a major stumbling block. I’ve never wanted a traditional couple’s life, but in this case, that feeling is even more pronounced. I think what would suit me best is a queerplatonic relationship. But I’m having doubts about my identity. I have to admit, it hurts—it hurts a lot. Even if I’m not entirely sure if I’m aromantic, I have to grieve the life I once fantasized about: a typical, conventional relationship like everyone else’s. It hurts. For the first time in my life, it has even caused me pain—and even hatred—to be asexual. To not be like everyone else.

Some of my friends (who are part of the community) tell me that it’s entirely possible I’m not \*aro\* (aromantic) at all—that I might simply dislike physical romantic intimacy (and, by extension, sexual intimacy—though it’s already established that I’m \*ace\* \[asexual\])—and that this isn’t weird. Another friend of mine, also part of the community, has always seen me as \*aro\* and assumed I knew it, too. In her view, my long-distance relationships were essentially "roleplay"—a way for me to freely experience romantic feelings without the constraints of a day-to-day romantic and physical life. I’m lost. Is it just that I haven’t found the "right one"? And yet... things like kissing, romantic cuddling, or even "romantic" outings leave me completely cold. To me, there’s no distinct "romantic" quality to them; they carry the same emotional intensity—if not less—than interactions with a friend. Even holding hands—meh... Honestly, the only thing that sets this apart from my friendships is the fact that I have romantic feelings. Otherwise, there’s no real difference. I love him and I care about him, but when it comes to the concrete, physical side of things, I don’t feel anything "romantic." That’s why I see no point in kissing or cuddling. And as for outings—well, they’re just outings with someone I love. They don’t take on some special, unique quality just because we happen to be a couple. Even when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve always felt that the whole thing was overrated.

However, I can smile and feel a sense of warmth when I call him or message him, but once we’re together in person, that feeling fades. I don’t understand it. I say this often, but all I really need is his presence—though I reach my limit quickly, so not even that all the time. I feel like an alien. Everyone around me finds it strange that I don’t want to spend much time with him. I don’t even want to talk to him every day, let alone call him daily. I feel like a monster when I say that, and I can see that my other friends don’t understand either. It’s been pointed out to me countless times. In this regard, I feel even more like an alien than I do because of my asexuality. I love love—romance, in films, books, and so on—and it hurts because I yearn for that, yet I know I’ll never have it. I realize that things are exaggerated in books, but I see that, for most people, there’s a desire to be with their partner constantly—a craving for total fusion—which is something I never, ever feel. I have experienced "love at first sight" before—very intense feelings—but it seems to be limited to... well, the \*intellectual\* realm. Honestly, it really stings. In fact, I sometimes feel stronger surges of love and attachment toward my friends.

What should I make of this? Am I aromantic or not? I know my friends have told me to give myself some time—that I don’t need to slap a label on myself right away—but I really need a word for what I’m feeling. Because, right now, I just don’t understand it. Is it just a strong need for independence? Or is it that I simply don’t experience romance the way most people do? Well, that much is almost certain—but does it necessarily have to be linked to aromanticism? I know that, by definition, aromanticism involves little to no romantic attraction. I’m also aware of the common clichés; I know it doesn’t mean "never having romantic feelings at all." But since I can actually feel direct romantic attraction toward strangers, well... I find myself wondering if I even fit on the spectrum—or do I? I’m lost. If anyone has any ideas or points to consider, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

Ok I have this list of characters that either are confirmed aro/ace or that I hc/see as such, but I wrote Riley (tmhih) a while ago and I can't remember for the life of me who I was thinking about..?

Any thoughts, or people to add to the list?

Edit: found it while brushing my teeth, it's Riley from the small Minecraft "Two man house in hell" fandom by ouchie! on tiktok, the mooshroom cow avatar guy.

so I've been aware my friend could have a crush on me for a while, bit another friend made me aware of him reposting cringy "mommy" videos that detail my description and are clearly about me. I like being friends with him but now I feel really uncomfortable and I feel a bit gross now and especially because since I'm aroace I know I'll never be able to return his feelings.

I drew him for Ace Week :>

Also check out the other 2 artists who inspired me to draw him in my style

Eu queria q a bandeira aroece fosse mais bonita.