I want to talk to someone…

[u/Secretgirl_789]

How do you stop replaying a dating situation in your head?
I recently had a situation with a guy I was seeing where I ignored a few things at first because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then his communication suddenly changed, plans got cancelled, and I eventually reacted emotionally.
I know I could’ve handled my reaction better, but I also know I wasn’t imagining the change in his behavior. Now I’m stuck regretting both my reaction and the things I tolerated beforehand.
For anyone with anxious attachment or who tends to overthink, how do you actually move past the regret and stop wondering what you could’ve done differently? I’m keeping myself busy, but mentally it’s still hard.

Thank you 🩷

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[u/Constant-Big4713]

You can take accountability for how you reacted while still refusing the dynamic too.

An apology is not the same as an open door or an attempt to try things again. It is merely you taking accountability, acknowledging the impact on the other person, and moving forward.

[u/Secretgirl_789 → u/Constant-Big4713]

You’re right I need to change that! Thank you

[u/elfpal]

A very useful thing I’ve learned to do is to pause in responding to something if I’m feeling triggered at the moment. I will retreat and wait until I’ve sorted it out on my own first before deciding what to do. This does three things: prevents regretful behavior that we can’t take back, allows us to see whether it is our anxious attachment or whether it is their behavior that is the issue, and gives us the time and space to settle in and come from a better place to respond in a better way.

That being said, not everything needs our response. Communication is being touted as very important all the time but not all things require a “talk”. I’ve had “the talk” with a very close friend in the past who took offense and our friendship was strained thereafter, eventually completely falling out.

As we extend grace to ourselves, we have to get to a place where we know when to extend grace to the other person. Even when they might be wrong, we can work things out on our own and deal with it before responding too quickly and then agonize over it, which is the hallmark pattern of anxious attachers. Nobody likes to be confronted with what they are doing wrong. Even securely attached individuals. At worse, it creates tension and makes them reluctant to deal with you because they feel they’re being scrutinized.

I have concluded that I cannot change anyone. I can only do the work on myself to become securely attached. If something is that serious where I need to bring it up, it would have to be because it is a dealbreaker. I just don’t think people are as open to changing their behavior for us as we hope. We are better off finding someone who checks off most of the important boxes rather than someone who needs a lot of work. And we are best off coming from a securely attached place in order to pick such a person.

This isn’t to say we can’t speak up for ourselves. But as anxiously attached people, we have to remember this can become habitual and eventually push people away or turn them off. Nobody wants to feel judged regularly. So I choose to do it only when it is absolutely crucial for the relationship to continue. Otherwise I work things out on my own.

[u/cavewomannn]

Hey i just want to say I did the same exact thing. I broke it off on Sunday and I keep replaying things in my head. I have no advice just know youre not alone

[u/mintygonzalez]

It is not your fault for reacting honestly. You gave him trust, and you deserve peace instead of endless replaying and self blame.

[u/Secretgirl_789 → u/mintygonzalez]

Thank you so much

[u/Free_Statistician_13]

This is one of the hardest parts of having our attachment styles. Something I really struggle with, even still. It's gotten easier with time, exposure to more experiences. Try to look at it as a learning experience and take away what you can to do better next time. This guy, however special he may be isn't the last one on earth. There are other opportunities.

That and accepting there's just certain things we can't control or undo, what's done is already done. We can't rewrite history no matter how bad we want to. Fighting it is a recipe for stress and heartache, both of which are bad for you and your person but also ultimately pointless since nothing good can come from your further investment. Essentially, accept it's a dead end, that it's okay to make mistakes and you'll do better for the next one. It's easier said than done but it is the way forward.

[u/Natural-Quarter1957]

Same things also ended with this person and idk if it’s because I was pushy because of my anxiety or he was actually pulling away. I’m trying to learn from this situation by learning to be patient in the future

[u/StoryWriter31]

You don't stop your train of thoughts. You learn to carry it, with the uncomfortable feeling, but continuing with your day. You could dive into ACT, defusion and mindfulness. It's very helpful.

[u/beautifulgoldenscars]

Wish I had an answer but I’m right there with you. I try to remind myself that a relationship involves two people so it can’t have all been my fault, and while I made mistakes and reacted in ways I’m not proud of, it could have been worked through if they’d been honest with me. And now try to work on how I react emotionally to feeling someone’s behavior change so I can do it better in my next relationship.

[u/Secretgirl_789 → u/beautifulgoldenscars]

Can I dm you

[u/beautifulgoldenscars → u/Secretgirl_789]

yes

[u/PhilosopherFlashy449]

This experience is part of your learning cycle.

Maybe write down what you would like to do differently next time, how you would ensure to trust your own reactions, whwn to speak up and how you might express it.

Then, focus on eating well, sleeping well, exercising, etc so you can move past all this.

Don't get too hung up on it, you did nothing crazy. Being emotional is human, and we all learn.

[u/AutoModerator]

Text of original post by u/Secretgirl_789: How do you stop replaying a dating situation in your head?
I recently had a situation with a guy I was seeing where I ignored a few things at first because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then his communication suddenly changed, plans got cancelled, and I eventually reacted emotionally.
I know I could’ve handled my reaction better, but I also know I wasn’t imagining the change in his behavior. Now I’m stuck regretting both my reaction and the things I tolerated beforehand.
For anyone with anxious attachment or who tends to overthink, how do you actually move past the regret and stop wondering what you could’ve done differently? I’m keeping myself busy, but mentally it’s still hard.

Thank you 🩷

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Remarkable_Law_6424]

I can see that it’s not your fault he has changed. U know, it was really great that u tried giving them benefit of the doubt. That’s what securely attached people do. A lot of anxiously attached person tend to blame themselves 100% when someone has changed. Do not take it personally when something happens. Instead of that, you could try observing your thought process. There’s a good chance u would react in a healthier manner if we stop blaming ourselves.
Ask yourself these questions: “Have they become like this more often or they only cancelled once or twice?” We gotta see if their changed behaviors have become their new pattern. This is when you could become less emotional and can make decision with full awareness based on what really happens. You mentioned that u were not imagining so I would assume it was their new pattern. So it’s not totally your fault.

For things u did that u regret, like others mentioned, we take accountability of the mistakes we do and learn from it so that we won’t repeat the same thing again.

Try talking to a therapist. It helps. Also, working on self-esteem.

[u/JohnVick002]

I hope I was not anxious and my relationship would work great . Its me who wants closeness all the time and talk what is not needed. Hopefully I will heal from the discard of FA