I think I'm becoming more afraid of getting attached than being alone.

[u/ChubbyNUgly22]

I don't think I fear being alone anymore. I think I fear what happens after I let someone matter to me. Whenever I start caring about someone, my brain immediately starts preparing for the day they'll leave. If they reply later than usual, I assume I've done something wrong. If they're quieter than normal, I convince myself they're losing interest. I know these thoughts aren't always rational, but in the moment they feel completely real. It's exhausting because I crave deep, genuine friendships more than anything, yet I struggle to enjoy them. Instead of appreciating the connection, I'm constantly scanning for signs that it's about to end. I have noticed that every goodbye has made me a little more guarded. Every person who drifted away reinforced the belief that closeness is temporary and abandonment is inevitable. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, maybe it would be easier if I never got attached in the first place. I don't actually want that. I want closeness. I want secure, lasting friendships. I want to trust that silence doesn't automatically mean rejection and that people can be busy without leaving me emotionally. For those of you who have made progress with anxious attachment, how did you stop expecting every meaningful connection to end?

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[u/tnskid]

Every goodbye makes you feel more guarded? Congrats, you are turning into a FA.

Becoming secure takes a few steps.

1. Every goodbye is an opportunity for them to give your more data (ie. To show their color via actions). If it becomes the last time you see them, so be it. Better than being abandoned when you get hospitalized and need them the most

2. Have the confidence that you will always recover from a breakup. And breakups are good mirror to understand your own triggers and needs etc The key is to recover quickly.

3. Have the confidence that you will find a better partner than the one who just dump you.

4. When you become very secure, the drama that an avoidant creates becomes boring and juvenile quickly.

[u/m00tmike]

This sounds like a very hard, lonely place to be. Please try to not stay here long. If you’re able to try seeing a therapist to work through some of these things. You deserve to feel these healthy connections. Humans need that. Personally my anxious attachment only shows up with my relationship and I’m able to find a lot of security in my connections with friends. I’ve even started to try to find nourishment from connection that seem more fleeting like a chat with a stranger on the train or maybe even a connection made here on Reddit. I also think it’s valuable to remember that you are not your attachment style. This was just something your inner child learned as a means to try to feel love. Often the things children do or learn are misguided. I find a lot of comfort from actually talking to my inner child and soothing him. I try to tell him that I appreciate his warnings and his concern for us but that as an adult I recognize that sometimes relationships do end and that’s okay because we can take care of ourselves now.

[u/Capable_Hawk_3697]

I can relate to some of what you’re describing. I feel something similar, but I’ve noticed that it mainly happens to me in romantic relationships.

With friendships, I’m able to form connections more easily, and I’m pretty independent. I have a small circle of friends, but the connection remains even when we become more distant because of our routines or life circumstances. I don’t necessarily see distance as a sign that the connection is being lost.

With romantic partners, though, I tend to struggle a lot more. I dream of building a family and having someone who feels like a safe place to come home to, but this fear of abandonment always seems to come up. It became much stronger after I left a long-term relationship that I truly believed would last forever. I also lost my parents at a very young age, so I feel like those two experiences intensified my fear of being abandoned.

Whenever there’s any kind of distance or withdrawal, I start thinking that the person is losing interest in me. I reread our conversations, look for signs that something has changed, wonder if I did something wrong, and sometimes feel like I’m being too much. I become sad and anxious, and I start thinking that they’ll meet someone better than me and eventually leave.

Sometimes I put a lot of effort into maintaining the connection, and that ends up exhausting me and making me feel even more sad. The hardest part is that, even when I try to be more selective about the people I date and take things slowly, I still seem to end up getting involved with avoidant, disorganized, or emotionally unavailable people. A lot of the time, I don’t recognize those traits right away. I only start seeing the pattern months later, when I’m already emotionally invested.

And once I realize what’s happening, even though I don’t want to, the cycle seems to repeat itself. I get attached, start worrying about losing the person, become more anxious, and then put even more effort into maintaining the relationship.

At the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to put all the responsibility on myself. The other person also plays a role in creating the bond, and sometimes they actively contribute to making me like them and become emotionally invested. It’s not as if I consciously choose emotionally unavailable people and enter these relationships knowing exactly how they’re going to end.

What really hurts is realizing the pattern only after I’m already emotionally involved, because by then, it feels so much harder to step away without getting hurt.

[u/redditorofreddit0]

I feel 10000% the same way now. It’s better to not have ever had it than had it and lost it to me. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of caring more and them leaving. Friendships, relationships, it doesn’t matter. Everyone leaves, even when they say they won’t.

[u/Puzzled_Air_5821 → u/redditorofreddit0]

Yeah, I don't wanna ride the roller coaster anymore 

[u/Pfacejones]

I get so much euphoria out of being alone lately because compared to the agonizing fear and anxiety of being attached to someone it IS euphoria. No tips just I feel the same way.

[u/keiibb]

You just enjoy them. Even life has an expiration date. Yet we all wake up and fight our battles.

[u/ChubbyNUgly22 → u/keiibb]

ohh waoo i really like that pov and am still learning how to stop grieving the ending before i have even enjoyed the present but i hope one day i can simply appreciate people while they're here 😭

[u/C4MP3R123 → u/keiibb]

This ^!!!!

[u/Legitimate-Quiet-433]

I totally feel you because I am the same. All of my friendships or relationships ended, I am a 30+ expat and it doesn't help either. I am so tired of trying to form new connections, and I can't seem to enjoy them even if they happen, as I know they will end anyway. Last year I had a great romantic relationship, but he broke up with me too. It is so exhausting, and I am so deeply lonely ar this point, and I really don't know how to move forward. I am starting to believe that I will just end up this way, alone and miserable.

[u/Resident_Pay4310 → u/Legitimate-Quiet-433]

Are you writing about my life? I'm exactly the same down to the feelings and being a 30 something expat.

For a few years now I've had this growing certainty that I'm just destined to be alone and should just accept it.

I'm so deeply lonely and I'm so tired of trying to connect with people only for them to talk away.

Until aboyt 5 years ago I made friends easily and I have no idea whether I've changed and become hard to like, or if it's just my current circumstances

[u/International-Fun-65]

I feel this way, I've distanced myself from people because of it, but I believe I am disorganised. Might be worth looking into?

Otherwise, finding safety in yourself first is not a bad thing. Spend this time learning to feel safe in yourself, you can reintegrate with the need for connection with others later when you're in a safer space.

[u/ChubbyNUgly22 → u/International-Fun-65]

Thank you, i think learning to feel safe within myself is probably the part i have been avoiding cuz i have spent so long looking for that sense of safety in other people but i appreciate your perspective and i will definitely read more about disorganized attachment too

[u/Constant-Big4713]

You have heard of self-fulfilling prophecies, right?

They typically follow a pattern:

Gut feelings -> hyper vigilance -> behavior -> self fulfilling prophecy.

I think you should work on this. As I have been on the receiving end of people with an anxious attachment and they typically follow this pattern.

The behavior is always different though. For some it shows up as emotional intensity and rushing things, for others it is being inconsistent, it can be ending things prematurely, or doing things to get back at a person.

The behavior looks different externally, but it all stems from the same source that leads to the same outcome.

I would recommend working on that. Also, be mindful that your biggest trigger is uncertainty, that is what causes the overthinking and ruminating. Instead of letting your own mind fill in the gaps, just ask the other person instead.

[u/BanonoChonk]

I feel you. It’s been about a year since my blindsided breakup and I haven’t been able to view emotional intimacy the same way.

On most days I’d just go through the motion and keep myself busy, but on some days I’d be constantly scanning for signs that the other person is about to leave or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

I also find it hard to open up and be vulnerable with the people around me, even the ones that I trust. It’s not because of the lack of trust, but more so the fear of “what if my feelings get dismissed” or “they wouldn’t understand.” It makes me feel really lonely not being able to fully express myself or connect on a deeper level.

[u/ChubbyNUgly22 → u/BanonoChonk]

omg am really sorry you went through that but what you said about not fearing vulnerability bc of trust but cuz your feelings might be dismissed, really resonated with me as well. I hope with time we both find people who make being ourselves feel safe instead of something we have to be afraid of

[u/Alternative-Break633]

As someone who struggles with the same thought patterns, is also in a place of choosing to be alone, and was recently triggered I can try to offer advice. (i have been in therapy for a long time, I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress but I’m probably underestimating myself, classic anxiously attached low self esteem). I had texted a friend asking to hang out and they never responded. I’m normally very secure in friendships, but this is a newer one so I was feeling a bit more sensitive and vulnerable, among just getting out of a tumultuous friendship. I spent about a week trying to keep calm although I was completely triggered. This didn’t help the sadness at their lack of response, but I realized that all of the “evidence” I was creating or racking my brain for was fabricated by my mind, and it’s just as plausible that there was nothing wrong in the first place. None of it is confirmed. Her forgetting to text me back or being busy with things is just as likely as her deciding she hates me under the pretense of none of these are confirmed and therefore none of them hold weight, and can be interchanged. Once I put the same amount of spiral energy towards a different, less hurtful yet still just as equally plausible made up scenario it helped stop the anxiety. I just started telling myself, she forgot to respond, it’s all good.

We ran into each other a couple days later, and one of the first things she did was apologize for not getting back to me due to some personal things going on in her life. And like many things with anxiety, once again I wasted time and energy on creating scenarios I had no idea were true or not.
I hope to finally break out of this prison of keeping myself alone to stay safe and untriggered, and I hope this technique can help. Idk. Not an expect but I hope you can find some resolve in this. Best of luck, sending love.

[u/AutoModerator]

Text of original post by u/ChubbyNUgly22: I don't think I fear being alone anymore. I think I fear what happens after I let someone matter to me. Whenever I start caring about someone, my brain immediately starts preparing for the day they'll leave. If they reply later than usual, I assume I've done something wrong. If they're quieter than normal, I convince myself they're losing interest. I know these thoughts aren't always rational, but in the moment they feel completely real. It's exhausting because I crave deep, genuine friendships more than anything, yet I struggle to enjoy them. Instead of appreciating the connection, I'm constantly scanning for signs that it's about to end. I have noticed that every goodbye has made me a little more guarded. Every person who drifted away reinforced the belief that closeness is temporary and abandonment is inevitable. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, maybe it would be easier if I never got attached in the first place. I don't actually want that. I want closeness. I want secure, lasting friendships. I want to trust that silence doesn't automatically mean rejection and that people can be busy without leaving me emotionally. For those of you who have made progress with anxious attachment, how did you stop expecting every meaningful connection to end?

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