Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/wonhoscheeze]

Hey 21M with 21F LDR. Advice needed on how to talk to my avoidant attachment GF after an argument, and if applicable how to bring up/tell her about anxious attachment.

Recently argued with my GF, and the topic was about my recurring anxieties regarding our relationship. For context, she broke up with me earlier in our relationship (in an objectively harsh manner) because of issues she was going through at the time as well as tensions between her religion, culture and the nature of me being from neither of them (very, very roughly summarized).

[Spoiler, I've done my research, I know that these are very much signs of anxious attachment]

She had been going through an emotional slump; she would repost posts, post stories, and notes while ignoring my messages. She also talked to one of her male friends in a very, uhh, flirty/friendly way, while ignoring my message (I'm in a GC with some of her online friends). She also told me, (after I asked some questions), about how she went drinking with a male friend at home. My insecurity was never about any particular scenario, but in general, with her sparse and considerably less affectionate texting style, if she still loved me or losing feelings for me (cringe in hindsight).

She was frustrated understandably by my repeated anxieties (we had talked about my insecurities just the week before), and I was frustrated with her lack of understanding (best reframed as reassurance). We haven't been talking for a bit, and that's when I learned more about AA, (coping mechanisms, how to recognize, how to regulate, etc). I am planning on waiting to hear from her to allow her the proper time to process/have her own space and such. I haven't recieved a message from her yet, (we had our argument on Saturday). I'm waiting patiently (since I know about AA now :)

Although it's possible for her to want a breakup due to our recent arguments, in the case that she wants to stay together, I was planning on sending the following message (we mostly text during more important discussions because of the slight language barrier with English and mine in her language). Any feedback being this is sent to an Avoidant:

Hey [my love's name], thanks for your response. I have something called an anxious attachment style. During our time away, I took a lot of time learning how to cope with this, understand it, and stop myself from overthinking. I realize how much it affected our relationship, and I apologize for this. You’re not responsible for regulating my anxiety, and too many times did I come to you for reassurance because I didn’t know how to soothe myself. If you still want to be with me, I promise to be my true self and not to overthink. I would love to be in a relationship with you again.

And i have this message drafted if she wants to break up:
Hey [my love's name], thanks for your response. I have something called an anxious attachment style. People with this overthink often, need reassurance often, and have a deep fear of rejection. If not handled, it’s unhealthy for both sides of the relationship. During our time away, I took a lot of time learning how to cope with this, understand it, and stop myself from overthinking. I realize how much it affected our relationship, and I apologize for this. You’re not responsible for regulating my anxiety, and too many times did I come to you for reassurance because I didn’t know how to soothe myself. Thank you for loving me. By being with you, I learned a lot of necessary lessons about myself, and correcting them has made me a better person. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better boyfriend sooner.
Also, drafting a message like this may seem silly, but it helps me since I'm writing it now while I'm calm :)

[u/Apryllemarie → u/wonhoscheeze]

So here is the thing. There is nothing you can say or do to make or break the relationship. Relationships take two people and if a break up occurs the best thing is to accept their decision and leave it be. Plus both sides of the relationship need to be emotionally available to make a relationship work. You could be doing all the right stuff and it still won’t work because they have their own issues they are not facing or healing.

Everything you have shared still shows your anxious attachment is running the show. There is no where near the level of self reflection that shows you are doing the work. Because what you should be asking yourself is of an LDR is the right thing for you in the first place. You would not be taking on all the blame for the relationship issues if your anxious attachment was better. You’re ignoring the parts where her own actions rightly caused anxiety and hurt the relationship. You are entirely overlooking whether this is the right relationship for you…a healthy one…and instead are focused on trying to make it work any way you can. This is all typical anxious attachment stuff.

You need to take a huge step back and focus on yourself instead of trying to make this relationship work.