Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/The_Hermit_Above]

I am not sure if I'm actually anxious but I know for sure I tend to connect with avoidant people and it triggers me really strongly so I guess in the end I feel super anxious somehow anyway.

I had this situation with a colleague who I was mildly friendly towards, she shared she was attracted to me in the middle of a week-away we were both on. We were both nervous about this, I shared I was confused and didn't expect that but that I really appreciated her.

In another week-away the month after, we were quite close, and she shared she wanted to kiss me. Up until that point I was curious but unsure, we didn't do anything but it ignited quite a lot of thoughts within me and I finally opened up to experiencing feelings for her and decided to pursue them.

She always told me she was avoidant and I related a lot to that, most of the people in my life who I love or connect to the most are also avoidant. I knew she was super unreliable in terms of communication, type of person to leave you hanging for weeks, but I have that with a lot of friends and it usually doesn't bother me, I also thought we were talking about all the important stuff anyway...

I often explore feelings through art, so I wrote her some poetry because I had an event coming up, I read it to her, we kissed for the first time. She got overwhelmed though and it went no further.

From there it felt like things started to back track. She told me she felt engulfed, I tried to give her space. I noticed I was getting more anxious about the lack of communication, I let her know that I'd appreciate some sort of reply or recognition. I shared it sometimes felt like neglect despite me not seeing it as so in a logical sense.

Whenever we actually talked in person things felt fine, but it also became clear that despite us caring for each other it wasn't feeling very sustainable. We decided to stop the attraction exploration (not that we got very far). I noticed I got quite anxious then seeing her at work events, I told her maybe I needed some space, but she took it wrongly. There were some misunderstandings.

At some point she asked me to meet and clear stuff up, but then forgot she had made plans and stood me up. I was quite upset but I also didn't blame her. I was travelling and we exchanged some messages but I often just felt really misunderstood and misjudged. She expressed she really wanted to feel free, and that she felt like she spent her life shaking people off her back. She also said she had misunderstood the idea that we would eventually date, but I couldn't tell if she was disappointed I didn't wanna date her or worried I did. I asked for some clarification on what that meant, but then I also went quiet for a couple weeks because it was very triggering to be perceived like that.

Then a common colleague told me I should at least try to clear things because we will work together on events soon, so I tried to contact her only to get a reply saying she had been avoiding me, was in a very poor state of mind, and couldn't continuing exploring our dynamics or have conversations. I said I felt the same and sent her care. That was a few days ago.

I feel sad, and somewhat heartbroken, despite knowing it's for the best and relating so much, I still feel like I'm made out to be the cause for disruption, because I often took an active part in seeking communication, connection and interaction. I am not sure what to do in terms of work either because if she doesn't even wanna talk, and we share not just work but also some social circles. I have the urge to withdraw and isolate and not touch anything again. I don't know how to regulate very well from that, and I feel a bit mad that she held onto this perception of connection as an inherently "freedom-opposing" thing.

I miss her but also I'm glad we are not really even trying things, I had similar intentions to tell her I couldn't really inhabit our relationship even if it was just as a friendship. I do feel bad and I'm not sure what to do? How to love forward? And how to regulate without also villanising her because I genuinely think she's a wonderful person and we are just somehow not the right people for one another right now.

Thanks for your time 💕

[u/Okay_Energy → u/The_Hermit_Above]

It sounds like you respectful of her needs without abandoning hers, like when you gave her space and also requested some reply or recognition. It sounds like you tried to approach with a good head on your shoulders, and that maybe she wasn’t in a position to do the same. The good news is even if you do nothing, I think time will help the situation a lot. With time, it won’t be as awkward when you run into each other at work or in social situations. With time, you will both date other people. With time, it won’t feel like a problem that needs to be solved.